Seeker

I need some help with this issue. It is in regards to two friends that I have 'moved away from'. One female and one male. I will try to give you a little background to understand my position.

Female: We were friends for around 5 years. Over the last twelve months she left an abusive marriage. She found her own place, her kids were happy, and our friendship grew and I watched with a warm heart as she began to find her happiness and freedom in the world. I was really pleased for her.

Male: We were great friends for around 2 years. Was in an 'open marriage', and while I was seperated from my SO we 'hooked up', the rule was 'no complications'. I had my own issues and he was happy with the arrangement. I went on holiday and when I returned he had split with his wife & family and expected that because we were getting on so well, we should live together. I said no. Twelve months of indirect pressure and endeavoured manipulation - I didn't give in so he left in a huff. Couldn't be my friend.

This is where it gets messy for me. He started communicating with my female friend and amazingly two weeks later I get a call and they are together and he is happy and wants to maintain the friendship for all of us. I say I am happy for them (I am when I look at their individual circumstances and I can see the why and the how) but I prefer not to have anything further to do with them.

My reasoning:
His friendship was conditional - it was only based on what he ultimately wanted. Because of this I see him differently and do not have the same amount of respect for him. Why continue with the friendship?
Her friendship was good - but given that she could not discuss this with me, and her constant judgement about other areas of my life, I decide that I don't want to put in the extra work to maintain this new aspect.

Now, he keeps contacting me wanting to pick up our great friendship, last night I got a message from him wanting to 'catch up' and an email from her supporting his case and asking me to consider 'staying friends' with him. Nothing for her case, I was a great friend but she seems to accept that 'she has blown it'.

I have not shared my reasoning with either of them, I don't hold any resentment, I just don't want to continue the friendship based on this new situation. They both judged me, analysed me, and justified their situation by these assumptions. I don't see any reason to prove otherwise, what for?

Yes, my initial 'fall from grace hurt', and I was disappointed that she made her decision based on her thought that she would lose my friendship. But what could he possibly want from me now? Apparently she is giving him everything I wouldn't give, so what is this all about?

My first reaction is to tell them both 'no thanks', but I thought I could throw this at you all to see what you think. Given my heart pounds when I read her email I still feel that I'm reacting to emotion. I really don't know what I'm meant to be thinking or feeling.

Any help or perspective from an outside source would really be appreciated.

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To those who wander but who are not lost...

~ Knowledge is not something you acquire, it is something you open yourself to.