Changing your name when you get married
 

I'm wondering what people's opinions and experiences are on this issue. When ratbastid and I got married, I didn't really want to keep my maiden name (Updike, ugh) but at the same time, I didn't really want to change it, either. I saw it as giving up some piece of my former identity just because I was a woman getting married and it was traditional, while ratbastid got to keep his. But we both wanted to have the same last name, as sort of a shared identity because we're married now. So we made a deal: I'd give up something (my maiden name), and he'd give up something (smoking). It took him 5 years, but he did quit. And now I don't have to live with "Updike" as a last name. Or some hyphenate, which bothers me just because it's clunky.

I have other friends who have handled it by ditching both last names and changing it to something else entirely (like some grandmother's maiden name that sounded cool); I know people who have both kept their unmarried names; I know women who have kept both last names as their "professional" name, but who go socially by their husband's last name only. Seems like people come up with all kinds of solutions. I also know plenty of people who have just gone the traditional route, and had the woman change her name to her husband's.

So what's you're opinion? If you're married, what were the considerations that went into whether to keep or change names? If you're not, what are your thoughts about how you might eventually handle this?

(I'm posting it in this forum because I think issues of gender-based traditions ought to be consciously examined. We take far too much for granted, I think, even post-feminism.)

My wife wanted to keep her name, and I wanted her to take mine.

Her reasons were (a) established professional identity in her company and (b) her dad, who was the only male child in his family, only had daughters; that would be the "end of the line" for the direct family name.

My reasons were... cavemanish. I spent a couple of weeks trying to come up with rational reasons, and couldn't find any that sounded good even to me.

We toyed with alternate last names, but they all sounded stupid, and ultimately insulting to both of our extended families.

So, she kept her last name, but we also decided that any children would have my last name. I hope this doesn't confuse our son (now 22 months old); I don't think it will.

When I married the first time there was no thought of doing other than taking my husbands last name. There will be no question of it when Dave and I get married either.

I really wonder why so many people seem "down" on traditions involving marriage...Im seeing way to much of it and I honestly dont understand it. Maybe its my religious upbringing that guides my thinking...who knows....

I've thought about this quite a bit - I can be pretty anal about sex equality. I've come to the conclusion that the only thing that preserves the equality of both sides is changing the name entirely. I'm not sure 100% that I'd go for it necessarily, but it's definitely the best way. It would be nice if that were simply how it was done - no extended family getting upset, no one side giving up more than the other, and the entire immediate family still has the same last name.

Here were my basic thoughts regarding this:

Traditional - bad for obvious reasons
Converse Traditional - no better than above
Female Hyphenated - the female is stuck with a hyphenated name, while the male takes on nothing of the female's. Do the kids have the hyphenated name? What happens when they get married (assuming they go for the "fair" solution as well), more hyphenation?
Dual Hyphenated - which name goes first and gets priority?
New and Unique Name - neither spouse gets priority based on sex. The name (ideally) is chosen by both and is yet another representation of their new life together. Children share the new name, preserving the traditional nuclear family naming convention. As a new standard, this works because the children will also choose a new name when they are married, thus eliminating sexist tradition as well as resisting inelegant solutions.

----

As for being "down" on traditions, it's really not the case. Names are arbitrary in the first place and, thus, there's no reason to have any convention that favors one thing over the other. Giving a man's, OR a woman's name priority is simply a completely unnecessary form of sexism.

Bingo! My "beef" with most wedding traditions is not that they favor the man, or hearken back to sexist symbolism (though they usually do) but that they favor one sex over the other for no good reason except for sexist privelege (I'd be just as upset if it was tradition for the mother of the bride to walk her down the aisle), and that most people adopt them just because they're traditional without really thinking about what they MEAN. I don't feel the least twinge about changing my name when I got married because 1. it was a conscious decision after weighing all the alternatives, and 2. we worked it out so that ratbastid was changing something, and I was changing something, and everyone was happy. The end result might be the same, but the process we used to come to the decision was one that was empowering rather than unthinkingly adherent.

When my wife and I were married we each kept our own names... no hyphenates, no new names. It really never occurred to me that she would change her name and when it came up in a conversation with one of our parents my only answer was that I really didn't care what name she wanted.

The issue is almost a non-issue.

When it became an issue for some was when we had our son and we gave him her last name rather than mine. It always seems to confuse people. My decision to do this was in part the desire to not give him my father's last name... but mostly it was that I just didn't care one way or the other.

It's just a name and it doesn't make him any less my flesh and blood.

Interestingly, my son, who already has a long name has chosen to tell people that his last name is a hypenate of our two last names. He doesn't like not having my last name...

I told my wife she could do whatever she wanted, but would have probably pressured her to change it if she hadn't wanted to do so anyway.

Dealing with many married couples, I have run across almost every possibility. The one thing I do not understand is one client of ours who has changed her name every time she has gotten married - which has been three times since she has been with us, plus another two or three before that. After the first/second marriage ends I think you need to make a decision on what you are going to stay with. It just confuses the dog when you keep changing names.

I don't really have any opinions on these types of traditions. I think it's really an individual thing that each and every couple has to think over and come to their own conclusions regarding it. As of now, I would not be willing to change my name for marriage. A lot of marriages end in divorce. I don't want all the confusion regarding that....so I think I'd probably keep my name the same on most official documents (SS card, drivers liscense, passport etc) and maybe change it for things like...registering at the PTA at my daughter's school.
My mom and other people I know have had problems due to conflicting names on credit cards, SS cards, and other stuff. I'd rather not deal with any of that.....but who knows, maybe my opinion on this will be different when I'm with a guy who I could really see myself spending the rest of my life with.

My fiancee wants her name to be the same as mine, partly so people will stop asking if she's related to Wyatt Earp. (Which she is, he was her great grandfather's cousin.)the other reason is she likes my last name.

So she and I have good experiences with the ol' tradition so far. ;)

With my first husband I didn't change my last name. At first I thought I'd hyphenate for the kids sake, but that was a pain in the butt. So, I simply kept my last name as that is what I had gone by professionally, etc. My 18-year-old son has my last name as well. My younger two ask me sometimes why they don't have my name -- but they like having their dad's name.

With Lebell I decided to change my name. I did this because it is a different relationship with a much stronger commitment. We want to be together for the rest of our lives. We have a much stronger bond and a much stronger love. Interestingly, he never asked me to change my name and has been extremely gracious in receiving the action as a gift. That made it all the easier to do.

if i were to marry my bf today, i would probably stick with my last name. im chinese but my mother gave me an american name which is actually a rather popular hispanic name. my boyfriend is hispanic so if i took his last name, anyone hearing it would assume that im hispanic. not that id mind very much, but id rather not have ppl expecting something else before they see me.

and it would mean we'd have the same initials. this is only weird to me because my mother very specifically made sure that my siblings and i did not have the same initials so when we were kids, we'd leave notes for each other with simply the first letter of our names (R, M, J, u get the point). now it's ok b/c my bros will send me an email addressing me as J and my boyfriend an email addressing him as JA. but if we had the same initials? bah, it would mean massive confusion and we'd have to come up with a difft system lol

I would like my GF (fiancee actually) to take my name when we get married, but its not an issue for me if she does not want to. If she wants to keep her name its fine.

Luckily for me she wants to take my name, and she wants to get rid of her old one - bad family stuff - so its all good. She likes the idea of her taking my last name, and I like it too so we're both happy about it.

my last name means nothing to me and i'd be happy to ditch it. in the Philippine tradition, when a woman marries, her maiden name becomes her middle name.. And all her kids will also have that middle maiden name.. My middle name is Cui because that's my mom's maiden name but before then, it was Floreta because that was my grandma's maiden name and Cui was my last name.. When I get married, i want to put Floreta back into my name, keep the Cui and use Will's last name. I already have more connection to that than the one I use now :P

Id certainly like the woman I marry to change her last name. Part of it I just think is tradition... Another part is that I think a married couple should have the same last name.

What many people do (my mother included), and something that I like, is for the woman to take her maiden name as a middle name. It keeps the name in the family, without having a couple with two different last names. My brother is also named for that maiden name.

I didnt take my maiden name as my middle name, I chose to keep Faye....our family tradition is that the oldest daughter has that for a middle name, its been that way for generations and I love it. luckily I was the oldest daughter, and my only child is a girl so she gets to carry on the tradition too....she loves it so much (you dont meet many people here that go by Faye...that shes trying to convince everybody to call her that now since her first name is so common.

i chose to keep my maiden name, for professional, and feminist (lol) reasons...it's just easier, since i had already established my life with that name and i am an only child

I think you should keep it too... I like the last name Salt...

lol...clever...;)

I was argued into taking his last name. Shoulda seen it coming back then....

When the day comes when I marry, I'll be taking his last name. It's just what I want to do :)

Why is it the woman who has to take the man's name?

In my opinion, it's just another outdated and sexist tradition. Thankfully, barely anybody does it where I live. When I get married, I'll keep my name and my wife will keep her's.

http://www.libragrrl.com/forums/imag...lies/dunno.gif

I'm not doing it b/c it's tradition. My choice is that way b/c that's what I want to do, as I said before :)

I've kind of had this idea that, when I get married, my husband and I will BOTH change our names to a hyphenated name. I don't know how well any man would take that, but I guess we'll see...

I'll either hyphenate my last name with his, or keep my last name entirely. We only have two kids in our family and knowing my brothers track record with his wives, I would be the one to keep the last name in the family. I would name our daughters with my last name, and our sons with his last name.

I'll take his last name, I am kinda tired of mine.

I wouldnt mind so much changing my name. I wouldnt expect my wife to take my name, but if she wanted to I wouldnt mind either. But I guess my ideal - or how it would be if my wife couldnt care less - would be I keep my name, she keeps her's, and the children can take either her last name or a double barrelled name. But it wouldnt really be a big deal for me whichever way it played out

I wouldn't have a problem with changing my last name. I'm kind of traditional in that sense. When my future husband and I get married I want he and I to become one and build a life together. I can't imagine me or my husband not having the same last name as our very own children.

I just ran the idea over to my boyfriend and he's totally willing to do it :) Idea is my previous post. He even suggested to name on of the boys my last name so he can continue my family name :)

And that is why I love him.

As usual, there are many reasons for the cultural norm. Primarily, one gender taking the other's sir name is a way to identify familial connections. That the woman takes the man's name is because they woman is thought to join the man's family, more than the man joins the woman's. This is somewhat because the couple would usually live on the man's father's farm/ranch, etc., and then take it over when he died. The son/husband would then support his mother, his wife and their children, by working the farm/ranch, until this cycle repeated.

While there certainly were exceptions, this naming thing went along with the normative practice. Geneologists will tell you that where this patern of name adoption at marriage was rejected, it is much more tricky to identify the line. So it worked, for so many generations.

But, like when and how many babies to have, a loving man is very careful to respect his wife and lover's feelings. I didn't tell or try to persuade my wife (of 3 years) what to do. But I did get angaged to a very traditional girl, and she adopted my last name without feeling it was an issue. Her 5 stepdaughters retain there last names, of course. This minimizes confusion.

Choi

God! I started reading all some of these posts and those who said they kept both names or had one name for this and another for that blah blah blah all said that neither one of the couple had a problem with it for whatever reason, tradition is old, it is sexist, whatever. But then I read on and see comments like, well, when we had a kid, we gave him/her my last name, or we hope this doesn't confuse people.

There is a (wanted to insert explicative) reason to take the last name. It is NOT sexist. One: just look at the complications that can occure that I mentioned above. So who decides whose name goes to what kid, does it cause fights. What about legal issues? Second: What happens when Angela Gorman-Turkin gets married to Thomas Jones-Feely and they have kids who are now Gorman-Turkin-Jones-Feely and they grow up and get married to a hyphenated person? Where the fuck does it stop. There was/is a reason to take the last name of the man. Although some of you do not believe in the word of God, God also had his reasons.

I am tired of hearing that it is sexist. It makes me mad that our society is trying to become gender neutral, turning us into a androgonous being. Males and females are different and we should stay that way. How does that relate to this thread. Well, the more we as males and females try to be equal in EVERY WAY, the more we become the same. The next thing you know is that men will claim sexism that only women can have babies.

I'm no Bible scholar, but where the heck did this part come from?

this post does my heart good, Im REALLY glad to know Im not the only one that feels this way.

You're welcome ShaniFaye

I took my ex husbands name when we married and didn't really think about keeping my own. We already had a son and had given him his fathers surname. At the time it seemed to signify that we were a 'family'. When we divirced I decided to revert to my maiden name because I wanted to 'mark' my single staus. I had been known by my married name professionally for many years and it was a bit of a hassle at the time to notify folk but they soon got used to it and now I am as well known by my maiden name. This thread got me thinking tho' because I now think I would be reluctant to give up my name again and I'm not really sure why...getting a bit set in my ways perhaps.I

Bentley Little, I completely agree regarding hyphenated names and such. That is why I stated that the best solution is a tradition in which a new name is chosen by the couple, representative of their new life and union together. It's poetic, it's romantic, it lacks sexism, and it avoids naming conundrums. It is easily the best solution to the last name situation as far as I see it. The only problem is how reluctant people are to change. I'd be thoroughly shocked if something so reasonably logical actually caught on and became popular :rolleyes:

I agree that out of the possible solutions, not counting tradition (which you will be hard pressed to change my opinion on) is the best option. Although I haven't thought it all through, I still think this would cause superficial complications. I mean, 1) tracing family history/roots, 2) confusion in relation to other family members 3) agreement on name change? 4) think of all the confusion this would cause the world when it comes to identity in the government, business world, etc. and 5) I still believe God intended it to be this way not as a sexist thing, but as a His will.

Again, can you point to anything to back up this statement? I always assumed that the naming convention grew out of tradition, not from the Bible. (This isn't an attack, I'm curious for information.)

ah see that's the source of the issue IMO. on one hand you believe that, and on the other hand I believe that God does not "intend" for superficial and meaningless things such as what one's name should be and who should inheret it. Personally, I believe God is above simplistic human matters such as that.

Nonetheless, that's exactly where resistance for change is rooted. If one believes that such a tradition has a root in something greater than arbitrary action and historical patriarchal sexism, then it is no longer tradition for that person and it becomes an indoctrinated example of the "right way" to do things and the "less right" or "wrong" way. Hence, arguments such as "what's wrong with the tradition the way it is?" and "it just makes sense that way" and so forth. The truth is, superficial complications such as problems with genealogy due to ever-changing surnames are irrelevant in my mind. Good records are an easy remedy. Not to mention that if changing names were such a huge detriment to tracing ancestry, then the matriarchal path would be almost always impossible to trace. Just like there are "maiden names" now, there would be the equivalent were people to both change names entirely upon marriage. As far as other family members go, I don't see how it would lead to confusion. If someone needs a last name to recognize they're related to someone, that's the least of their problems with their family members. By a quick count, I can think of 6 different surnames in my extended family. I recognize all my relatives despite the different names. If couples have trouble agreeing on a name to change to, again, that can be indicative of a greater problem. Couples choose names for their children together all the time, I don't see how choosing a mutual surname is much different. Confusion over identity would be little more than it is now. Plus, if one's surname is so linked to identity you've just pointed out exactly how sexist and denying of the individuality of woman the curernt tradition is. As it stands, the woman is expected to give up her last name (which you've linked to identity) despite the (according to you) potential consequences and confusion over identity in government, business, etc. However, the male keeps his identity and avoids this supposed confusion. Really though, I think that a person chooses their own identity over the course of their life and marriage is a convenient and fitting time for one to assume control of yet another aspect of his or her identity - the surname. I don't buy that the confusion is all that significant either, and even if it is I see no reason why a woman should be expected to go through that confusion but not a man.

Addressing the sexism in this tradition is not a matter of asserting that men and women are equal in "EVERY WAY," or of attempting to androgynize society. I simply fail to see how a female is different in a way that dictates she should change her surname and the male should not, other than the fact it is a pre-existing tradition. Last I checked, surnames are not biological traits - they did not always exist and one cannot determine another person's surname by scanning DNA. So, this is completely unrelated to something such as the fact women are different from men since one can give birth and the other can't. Some biological differences exist, of course. But cutting through "tradition" to find what is rooted in truth and what is simply a created difference is not androgynization, it is equality. It is the same thing that moved us, as a society, towards realizing blacks are more than 1/3 human and women are intelligent and concerned enough to vote. Without seeking the abolition of unnecessary differentiation there can be no progress as a race or as a culture.

One of the two times that I was engaged, the straw that broke the camel's back and ended the engagement was my refusal to take his last name.

I was in my late 20s, somewhat established in my career, not as much of a feminist as I am now, my refusal was based on his last name. I didn't like it. If I took his name, i would have gone thru life as a Dr Seuss tale, or something worse. His name rhymed a little too much with my first name, wasn't going to happen...

SecretMethod, you are quite the rebuttal artist. Very good points you raised. I don't think I can quite debate them. This is a subject I guess I haven't thouroughly thought through (consonance and alliteration anyone?) yet. As for finding it in the Bible, I could very well be wrong redlemon. I just remember it being told to me many many moons ago. As you SM70 rebutted my ever point it will be hard to negate what you have stated. Although I will have to further think through this and its implications before I make any further judgments, I will still side that some traditions do make sense and have a purposeful reason. I want to discuss this in further depth as it has become an area which I have had a very strong opinion on but will step back and analyze my reasons.

following Icelandic tradition the woman does not take the mans name but keeps her FATHERS name.

Icelandic Names

Most Icelanders still follow the age old tradition
of using the first name of their father as the basis for their last name.
"Sonur" is added to the fathers name if the child is a boy, and
"dóttir" if the child is female.
Family names as such are not commonly used in Iceland,
and the question "Do you know Eiríksson?"
is really meaningless, as the definition is missing.

In the example below, the siblings are the children of Jóhann Már,
so the last names are Jóhannsson and Jóhannsdóttir, respectively.

I took my husbands last name.. Both times I was married. This time I'm hoping to keep this one.

I didn't feel obligated in anyway, I just felt it was right for me. I don't think a name really makes you who you are, but it sure makes paperwork a lot easier when you have the same name. Man that sounds unromantic. I love my husband to pieces and love having his last name, too bad the rest of his family does too ..

My mother kept her maiden name because of "feminist" reasons, as she says, but I think it's because my father's last name is 'Berger.' How awful.

Anyway, it was difficult for me, with my father's last name, to explain to other young children at school that my mother and my father were not divorced, or anything like that. Plus my friends always say: 'Hello, Mrs Berger' instead of 'Ms Lattimore.'

Oh yeah, she always kept the title of Ms, instead of Mrs.

My mother liked emasculation. She made Bambi a girl and Frosty a snowwoman. Also, in books, she made mama birds into daddy birds...and the like.

The strangest thing about all this is that my father works, and my mother stays home still. She hasn't held a job in 17 years.

I don't think you have to have a career or even a job to be a "good" feminist - the issue is not that women should work, but that women should be just as free as men to work, if that's what they choose, and men should be just as free as women to stay home, if that's what they choose. There's a difference between staying home because your want to and staying home because you're a woman and "that's just what women do."

It's not an issue of what individuals do, it's an issue of what society trains us to think of as "men's" roles and "women's" roles.

I don't much consider whether it is a sexist thing or not. Personally I would like to keep my name because I'm an only daughter and otherwise the name would be lost, in that line. On the other hand I would like to take the name of my husband too. Then I think of children. Selfishly I woud like them to have my name. But then he probably would like that too. The hyphenated names just sounds like a chore (too right about hyphenated mae people marrying each other, what a mess). Choosing a new name would be like messing with history for me. Seems a bit careless. In my country you can have both parents names, with no hyphen, and that's considered your surname, even if it is 2 words. I think that's what I'll do for my kids, and then if they get married it's their choice which names to keep and which to suppress. As for keeping my maiden name when I get married, I think it will have to depend mainly on my career. If it's important to my professional life to keep my maiden name I will. If it's not so essential, then I will add to my name my husband's name. As for him, of course it's also his choice to take my name into his, or not. Seeing as this problem probably doesn't cross most guys' minds, I doubt he will, it's just not a habit.

Hmmm... I'm very pleased that my wife took my name. Her mother never took her father's name, but rather kept her maiden name. Personally, I don't think it's a bad thing either way. In my own marriage, I would be mildly upset if my wife had not taken my name. I guess my reasons stem around tradition (not that I'm a huge traditionalist), social brainwashing (it's just how things are done, right?) and personal preference.

If you do NOT have the same last name, then what happens if you have a child? Giving the child the father's last name is traditional for most cultures throughout history, but if the wife kept her name so as to not "end the line" of her family, that would be counter-productive. If the child takes the wife's name, then there are other social issues that come up if it's found out. Especially as a younger child in primary school, anything that makes you different gets you ostrocized. If you hyphenate the name things can get odd as well, besides the name just being too damned long (unless the couples names are short).

I think that dumping both names and creating something new is interesting, but more of a fad than anything else. It really can be quit offensive to both extended familes, and the family name is sure to cease if the man is the last remaining son in the family (as would have been my case).

On a psuedo-note, my son has my ex's last name as we never got married. This was a point of some contention as well, but I came to be comfortable with her decision and am pleased that after she got married, our son kept her maiden family name. It's maybe unusual, but I'm glad it worked out that way.

Aren't there some cultures where the married couple takes on the woman's family name? After all, it would make sense if the children took the mother's family name because even if it is not sure who the father is there is no confusion as to who the mother is.

My fiancee is going to be taking my last name, but I think it's more just because she likes it. :) I don't know why, but I really like the idea of her taking my last name. It's a tradition thing, I guess, but I don't know, it's something that really appeals to me.

I'm glad for you and a bit jealous. I do wish that Skogafoss would have taken my name. I find it the equivalent of the girls "dream wedding day".

From the first time I saw it printed on a generic envelope... Mr. & Mrs. Cyn Thetiq.

When primal and I got married I never really considered not taking his last name because it was easier than my maiden name for people to spell and pronounce. But then he told me wouldn't wear a wedding ring. He broke his ring finger years ago and it's kind of deformed, so he said a ring would make it hurt. I thought he should wear one anyway, so I said I wasn't going to change my last name if he wouldn't wear the ring. Several arguments later, my name is his and he's wearing that damn ring. :)

I think a family should all have the same last name to show solidarity. But making up a new one would also solve that problem, I just know primal would have never gone for it.

I had a professor in college who put her and her husbands' name together and made a new one that their whole family used. I thought that was pretty cool. Generally you don't find guys that progressive (except on TFP!).

When xepherys and I got married, there was no question that I would take his last name. However, figuring out the rest of my name was interesting. Should I keep my maiden name in my name, giving me two middle names? Should I hypehate my last name?

In the end, I simply swapped out my last name for his, since my middle name was also a very important family name. I have two brothers to carry on my father's name, and I personally think that it is very romantic to take your husband's name. Plus, now people can spell my last name! Although I did go from first alphabetically to last... which sucks for random urinalyses at work...

I guess it's all personal preference. As long as you're both happy, a name is just a name.

Except my mother would ALWAYS present women as being the bread winners, and would tell us not to stay home if we got married because that would mean we were letting men walk all over us. She complained about how women should be employed and equal to men.

I dont know, call it trite or something, but I am the only male child of my bloodline. So i kind of feel some sort of duty to have children that continue my family name. I mean I know deep down that it doesnt really matter, but I still feel that need.

I've Been Racking My Brain
 

Trying to come up with a solution to this! Tonight I typed 'Sexist wedding traditions' into the search engine, and found this site. I don't really like my last name, and his is really lovely. But ,I don't want to abondon my last name to take his. I would be happy to hyphenate, but then I don't think it's fair that I have to hyphenate and he doesn't. Then again , I wouldn't expect him to demand that I change my last name, so I can't demand that he change his. But it's still not fair, because I'm taking his name so we can have that in common, but he's not taking anything of mine. The whole thing is very sexist, stemming, I believe from the idea that after a woman is married, she is the man's property. Like the father 'giving' the bride away. I won't be doing that either. For those of you who think that it is God's plan that a woman take a man's name, that is no where to be found in the Bible. And if you believe it because someone else "Told you so", I suggest you do some scripture study of your own. Biblical views of women have been misconstrued for years, and I am just now learning the true origins (Greek) of the translations we have now. Please, let's keep thinking about this everyone, I need a solution or I'll never be ready to sign my marriage license!

I don't think it's necessary to have any set rules for this. If a married couple's equality is at stake if one takes the other's last name, then which name to go with is not necessarily the couple's biggest problem.

Just do what feels good and right to you. I didn't try and pressure my wife into anything. I said I'd be perfectly content with whatever she chose - whether she decided to take my name or hang on to her maiden name. Or even pick a totally new one.

What I wouldn't do, though, is change my name. For one thing, I like my last name, and in all honesty I am quite proud of it. If it was good enough for my father, grandfather, greatgrandfather, and his father before him, then it's good enough for me. I come from a small country where you could almost tell what part of the country, or even which city a man was from based simply on his last name.

She chose to take my name, and I am actually glad that she did. While I would have been fine with whatever she chose, I do feel that if you're my wife, you take my name, as will any children we may have. That is essentially how I feel about it, and if not being able to justify that outlook according to all sorts of anti-sexist rules and guidelines means I am a prick, then fine, I'll be a prick. I can live with that.

I find this topic very interesting. Some people think that names are arbitrary and really not all that meaningful, yet look at how much discussion this thread has generated. From the time I had my first crush I would practice writing "Mr. and Mrs. Homer D. Poe" over and over again in my notebooks. I always wanted to get married and never questioned that I would one day take my husbands name.

When we did get married, I took his name although I did feel some pangs at losing my maiden name because my parents only had two girls. I found it an interesting experience having a new name and getting used to that transition in my life.

I never even entertained the idea of hyphenating our names because they are both very similar with just two consonents different so it would have been something like "Mrs. Ali Swoon-Broom" :lol: (Edit: O'kay so three consonents are different in that example but you get the idea!)

My younger sister just got married (in a cool ceremony on the beach of Lake Michigan) and they've done something I've never heard of before. She kept her maiden name as a middle name and took his as her last, no hyphenating. Not to unusual, but, he also took her maiden name as a middle name. I never thought of keeping my maiden name as a middle, however I already have two middle names and therefore would've ended up with five names. And there'd still be that Swoon-Broom thing. ;)

I know a couple where they both took each others name and did the hyphen route. It's flows pretty funny because she's chinese and he's norweigen and the names couldn't be more different! :lol:

Ali

I enjoy my name and Scottish heritage, so my name feels like a natural extension of myself, and I'll always keep it.

So, I'm resurrecting this thread because ktspktsp and I may be getting married soon, :icare: and I have been unable to resolve this issue for myself...

First of all, ktspktsp says I can choose whichever name I want, which is nice of him (I wouldn't be marrying someone who was forcing me to change my name to his). :icare: However, I don't think he wants to change his own name after we marry. So I guess if I change my name, then I'll be changing part of my identity and he won't. I'm not sure how I feel about that... I'd like for both of us to be changing something fundamental about the way we identify ourselves, because marriage is just one of those major life-deals that deserves a change. :) I'm just not sure if changing names is required.

However, let's say I follow tradition and change my last name to his. My name has always been rather difficult to spell and pronounce for most people, and it's also a bit messed up culturally, so in some senses I wouldn't mind changing it. My father was Icelandic, and as Cyn explained earlier, I should have taken his first name (followed by the addition "-dottir") as my last name if I was born in Iceland.

However, instead my mother made that father-dottir combo into my middle name, and she and I both have my father's last name as our own (she changed hers). So my last name is the same as my father's last name, which is HIS father's name followed by "-son"... so here is my whole name: my first name (taken from my Icelandic grandmother), my middle name (daughter of my Icelandic father), and my last name (son of my Icelandic grandfather). That's a whole lot of Icelandic naming going on.

Basically, my current middle name SHOULD have been my last name, if I had been born in Iceland. As a matter of tradition, Icelandic women NEVER change their last names after marriage; there ARE no family names there, just the first name of your father... and some people use their mother's first name, these days. So, if I take ktspktsp's last name and keep my proper Icelandic middle name (father's -dottir), then it will basically be like I kept my proper maiden name as a middle name, no harm done. Not to mention ktspktsp's name is easier to spell and pronounce and is higher in the alphabet. :lol:

I also feel like since we are merging our lives, I want to give up part of my Icelandic name and take his Lebanese name, to signify that we are sharing those cultures with each other and with our children. But then his whole name is still Lebanese. :| Not sure what to do there... we'll have to talk about it.

Also, I *am* somewhat attached to my maiden name, though, as messed up as it is! It's what I got for being born in America, and it's what I've been known as for my whole life. When I was teaching, my students made all kinds of nicknames for me based on my last name, which I loved. But I no longer teach, and I haven't published anything significant yet (I'm a PhD student), so changing my name this year is not going to harm anything professionally. But it does change my heretofore American identity... since I am not really culturally Icelandic, and my name reflects my mixed-up upbringing... which I take great pride in. :D

So, basically I am leaning towards taking his last name and keeping my middle name (since it's technically my Icelandic last name, anyway)... though maybe I should throw in a Thai name somewhere? :lol: But I'd like to have suggestions for how the man can reflect the change in his life after marriage. I kinda like what both lurkette and redgirl said about having their husbands sacrifice something else, even if it wasn't their own name, in order for the women to take the husbands' name. Has anyone else had experience with that?

Thanks for reading my convoluted name story. :D

I'm planning on being (First Name) (Middle Name) (Maiden Name) (Married Name). Trust me, it's a mouthful. I'll be Ms. (Married Name). Quite honestly, it will be an improvement over certain teachers addressing me as Ms. (Maiden Name) because they were singling me out (the beauty of having a principal for a father). And I don't know that I would want to keep my father's name as the name I use professionally, given that he is a very well-known educator in the state I want to teach in, and I'd like to earn something on my own merits. Besides, I have no concerns about passing on my dad's family name given that I'm the ONLY girl on that side of the family :). My uncle had three sons, his eldest son has a son, and my aunt had a son. Either way, there's plenty of (Maiden Name)s and (Married Name)s out there. I really don't think my last name is all that special, especially given it's one of the many forms of "son of John" out there.

Owl, I considered that arrangement but it seemed even more convoluted than what I currently have (since I have two mismatched Icelandic last names). :rolleyes:

So you are taking your man's last name, but keeping both your middle and maiden names. Which name do you put down when a form asks for your middle name? Which name when they ask for your last name? Those are the confusing parts for me.

Also, I forgot to mention that I'm an only child... so yeah, the name stops with me, but then again, it only started with me in the first place :lol: since Icelanders don't have family names. :D So I guess it's no big loss, in that sense.

I'm probably going to have my maiden name legally changed to a middle name, so then my middle name would be my original middle name (which is very short and sweet) plus my maiden name (which isn't much either).

All told though I'm going to end up with 8 syllables and 25 letters over four names!

Hee hee, yeah, see I already have 10 syllables in my current name (3 in first, 4 in second, 3 in last) and 26 letters... and ktspktsp's last name ony has 2 syllables and 6 letters... so you tell me what's more economical! :D

I was born with (first name) (middle name) (father's last name). When my parents divorced I took my mom's maiden name (first name) (middle name) (mom's maiden name). When I married I became (first name) (mom's maiden name) (mojodragon's last name). The really odd thing about that is that people still call me by my original middle name, even though it's no longer a legal part of my name. Even though it's traditional to lose your maiden middle name and take your maiden last name as your middle when you marry, it's confusing as anything. So I'm thinking about changing my name to (first name) (middle name) (mojodragon's last name). It makes more sense that way to me.

I've kept my middle name both times I've been married. Who would want to get rid of a great name like Faye!!!

Anything other than traditional makes it hell for genealogist like myself :lol:

I never considered this to be an issue and honestly can't understand the fuss around it. I always knew I'd get married and take my husband's name...and I did. I had no attachment to my maiden name, and I rather like his last name (it's pretty unique), and even though I'm not religious or believe in "traditional" women's roles...I don't mind adhering to this particular tradition. I guess this is one of those "whatever floats your boat" kind of situations.

My wife took my name and says she likes it better than her maiden name.
She has the attitude she is she no matter who or what she is called. As there are only the two of us(she is not close to her family, I have no siblings or father) is sort of nice to be in a little family all of our own and be known as the Bennett family.

My wife took my name, hopefully by the 3rd anniversary she will actually change her drivers license, passport, etc... And at her next job, maybe even go by our last name...

lol

As I said above, my wife kept her last name and our two children have her last name as well...

It isn't complicated. I don't see why it would be. Occasionally, I have to explain that my last name is different from theirs. This takes no more time than is does for someone with a complitcated last name to explain the spelling of their name.

Getting married in August and my fiancee is taking my name, simply because she wants to. Personally I couldn't care less if she took my lastname or not. I would be a bit reluctant to changing my last name since it is a part of me, and I guess that's why I would never demand that she took my name unless she absolutely wanted to.

My wife and I discussed this before getting married, and mutually decided it really wasnt a big deal. Truth is, if it wasnt for the fact she dislikes Hyphens.....we could have used both for all I care.

Well, I've already got a hypenated last name, and I'm sick of it, so we're making up a new name. I just can't bring myself to take her name, and we don't want to deal with the hassle of having two different last names. I'm excited about not having to deal with a hypenated last name anymore; it's impossible for stupid people and computer systems to understand.

I've never really looked at this as much of a big deal. I had always hoped that I would find a man that I loved with a easy to spell name...lol. (I have a Polish last name, so you can imagine....) But alas, I've fallen in love with a man with a German last name with MORE letters in his last name than mine (He has 12 letters to be exact).

He actually has his mother's maiden name. When he was born, he was the only male child and his mom was worried that no one would be able to carry on the family name.

I'll be taking his last name when we get married..lol. I love him, long last name and all.

ooooh, I remember this thread :) A year and a half and my opinion hasn't changed.

This was an argument for us. I wanted to keep my birth name-he was insisting I take his. He won the argument, I had to change all my documents and now when I go to renew my driver's license, each time I have to bring a copy of my marriage license-does he? No.
My parents gave me my name. In essence I went from their daughter with their choice of name to his wife with his last name (which, by the way kind of rhymes with my first name, so it always sounded funny to me and I've been teased by friends about it).
In my heart, I've always been L.A.K...to the world, I'm L.A.R.
There shouldn't be arguments about a name; had I had it to do over, it would be at least hyphenated.

personally, i don't believe in the institution of marriage. it is an archaic ceremony based in the transfer of property (the bride) from the father to the husband - nothing more.
and it makes me want to vomit when i hear people exchange the more traditional vows "to honour and obey" (i bet you can guess what i am going to say about taking your partners name ;) )
- even if this weren't true, i am not one for bringing the government into any of my relationships.
if i truelly love someone and plan to eternally cherish them - i can do so without a piece of paper and a minister/judge.
if i want to express my love for them and pledge my commitment to them in front of friends and family - i can still do so without a piece of paper and a minister/judge.

with one of my friends,... bout 8 yrs. ago, a small group of us gathered in the forest. the couple stripped their bodies of all binding material and held hands as they exchanged some beautiful words. then they turned and ran and jumped into the lake, holding hands.
it was the most meaningful and real union i have ever been to (unfortunately, i have been tortured to sit through many weddings) and i am certain their bond will outlast all those that i have witnessed come together.

all that said, i did get married. :hmm:
i was young and in love and was not as aware of the history and the legal consequences and, consequently, didn't feel as strongly opposed to marriage as i do now.
i was never one of those little girls who played wedding and, in fact, never wanted to get married.
but my ex really wanted me to marry him, and it came down to weighing his desire against my feeling that it is just a piece of paper. since he felt more strongly about the matter, i gave into a small and casual wedding/party in his parent's living room and backyard. it was arguably, THE stupidest thing i have ever done... heh...
i totally would have kicked myself if i'd taken his name!!! but that is something that would have NEVER come to pass. i like my last name, but even if i didn't,... i have convictions.
he brought it up to me once. i told him it's not happening, but if he felt the need he could certainly take mine. he never brought it up again. :)
(i wouldn't have liked him to take my name either. i don't see it as any different)

i understand some people, in starting a new life together, want to do something symbolic to show their unity.
i think that can be very beautiful, but i don't think the female taking the males name, out of tradition, is (in any way) beautful or symbolic of unity.
it is not a fusion of two beings, but the absorption of one into the other. ughh....
many females these days "keep" their "maiden" name as their middle name and take their spouse's as their surname to try to alleviate some of that feelng of giving so much up. i don't see how that is any different. they are still trading in their identity for their partner's (and who pays attention to or even knows other's middle names - i rarely even care to know people's last names). i think they are just deluding themselves.
even if i was into getting married, i don't even know any guys (that i could love or even be attracted to) that would ever even consider making the last name an issue -- especially because it is based on bullshit tradition & especially especially because it is based on bullshit SEXIST tradition. (anyone who contends that the female taking the males name is not based in sexist tradition is in vital need of a history lesson)
intelligence, enlightenment, and egalitarian sentiments are all prerequisites for occupying the space between my legs..... not to mention, a place in my heart&mind.
BOTH PARTNERS hyphenating the names is an option. but if i were ever possessed to change my name in a show of union with another, i would probably pick something that represents both me and my mate, or our love for eachother, and change both of our names to that.

i think SecretMethod70's well thought-out and sobering post (#38) said it all... just had to put my 2 cents in there. :thumbsup:

damn.. and the same for me, a year and a half later it still upsets me, not to the same degree, but it still does upset me.

I'd like to comment on some ideas presented.

It came from the ritualized property transfer, more or less, as you describe. However, for myself and my wife and plenty of other people too, that's the last thing it currently symbolizes. Debate that all you want, but it won't change its truth.

While your visceral response is impressive, there's nothing wrong with honoring one's spouse/life partner/what-have-you. I believe mutual respect is important. Perhaps it's your take on the meaning of the word "honor" that causes your gorge to rise.

"Obey" is an interesting word. I believe it was part of our vows, but I can't remember a time when I presumed to give my wife an order I expected her to obey; or vice versa. On that one, had we thought about it, it likely would have been replaced with another word. "Obey" does have connotations that are not in line with what marriage means to me. I'm with you on that one.

That is very true.
The piece of paper does not make a marriage.
However, some people choose to express thier commitment to share two lifetimes through the symbol of marriage. Of course, the symbol takes many forms.
Choosing to, or not to, express the life commitment through the state/traditionally recognized marriage is a personal choice.
Its value is set by those that make it, not those that observe it.

On the one hand, it's nice that your friends did what worked for them. That's the important part to what you're saying, what I'm saying, and this thread's question as well.

On the other hand:

You choose certain words (perhaps words I can call "flowery") to describe a forest ceremony where the partners "stripped their bodies of all binding material and held hands as they exchanged some beautiful words. then they turned and ran and jumped into the lake, holding hands."

To you (if I understood you clearly) that's more beautiful and meaningful than my traditional wedding simply by default.
In reality, how you and I view other's bonding ceremony is completely unimportant.
The people expressing thier bond forge its strength from within themselves.
Your or my opinion about the type of ceremony means very little in relation to how meaningful, real, or long lasting thier bond is.

I can say "two people met in the woods, stripped naked, then held hands and jumped in a lake" and go on believing that they are "hippies" "flakes" or any other derisive terms.
Just as you can say my wife and I are traditional morans who've succumbed to societies lies, etc etc.

Both those trains of thought are tiresome and unoriginal.

In reality though, things are much more clear and exciting.
The comittment a couple has is hardly decided by how they choose to express it. Be it a forest site or a church site, the level and depth depend on the couple's hearts and minds.

Your friend's forest wedding and mine do nothing to negate each other.
Yet, it would seem you believe a union is more meaningful and real depending on how far it veers from the traditional wedding ceremony.
That's a cheap fallacy, and I'm sure you know better.

There's a tendancy for those who have chosen alternative paths to mistakenly believe that those choosing traditional paths are somehow less enlightened, less "real," less meaningful, have thought about it less, are less informed, and generally just poor saps who don't know better.

While it's exciting to meet people like your friends, people who found thier own path, it's also important to learn there's no negation of one path by the other.

When my wife and I got married, we asked what other people thought. Not many people had strong feelings about it. I felt then and today that last names are disappearing just as fast as languages and cultures. So Jen and I traded last names so that neither one of our last names would stop existing. That said, if my last name was Smith, I might consider taking her last name as mine would be pretty common.

When we went to the drivers license DMV, we changed our names and the 60 year old guy that worked there said that about 25 years ago, he did the same thing for another married couple. So it is not that common to do, but no one has ever told us it was stupid or foolish to trade last names. Most people say it is great or cool to have done it.

Some last names work really well hyphenated. Smith-Brown is not clunky and Love-Hewitt is fine. In Jay Leno's Tonight Show comedy skits, there are lots of funny hyphenated last names.

Jonathan

I take it you have brothers to carry on your name, then? That's a pretty cool idea, if so. I like hearing all these alternatives! :thumbsup:

Jen and I took out the three offending parts of the vows.

1. Obey was taken out. Most all people who do the weddings will graciously alter the text for you and they might slightly stumble through your new vows, but we chose a non-religious person to marry us and she did a good job reading our vows to us that we edited.

2. "To have and to hold from this day forward" is also part of the historical property tradition that you speak of. We took that out. We added some other loving things in it's place. I think we changed it to "To love, respect, and laugh with from this day forward." *smile*

3. Since my wife and I had an open relationship before we got married (we are both bi), we chose to remove the part "To forsake all others". I can't remember what we put in its place, but something about family.

Government does not legislate what is spoken at a wedding. Some religions won't allow you to edit the vows however.

All government and institutions of religion can be reformed to be better every generation. Rejecting 100% of something just because one part of it is rotten is like tossing out an apple just because of one small blemish on one side.

I personally favor goverment documenting weddings and unions because I am a fan of family tree and geneology searching. Without government archives, then I would have a very difficult time tracing my family tree and history. Some of the government archives have kept medical and social history on my family tree and saved it in fire proof buildings. (One is here in Seattle) Some of my family in generations past have had fires in their homes and lost all family tree info. Without the government saving that info for me, it would be lost permanently and long lost cousins would be reunited at our family reunions we have in the summer.

The census also helps in many ways by documenting how society is changing by documenting weddings, unions, and other data. Yes, sometimes government gets crazy about data gathering and wire tapping, but reform is a good option instead of rejecting it. Sometimes it take many generations for government to reform however. (^:

Jonathan

I am an ordained minister (yet another trade of mine haha) I encourage people to write their own vows. As for the last name issue... I as well am an only child and alas female. The end of my fathers line..... however, I am growing more attached to the significant others last name and have not yet decided if I will take his or keep my own. Time tells all things so.....

Here's what happened when my wife and I thought about this same thing during our engaugement.

She asked me how I felt about her keeping her last name. I felt through my feelings and answered her after a while.

There's a certain part of me, ego, that wanted her to take my last name. There's also part of me that respects her heratage as I resepect my own. That part of me wanted her to keep her name if she wanted to.

The third part of me was basically practical. I've done some work in the "paper processing" area of a huge company's new hire process. From this processing work, I understand how much "fun" people with all thier cute names are. I mean "fun" in the "I have a spreadsheet of employee info I have to process" kind of way. The whole "lastname-lastname" bit is especially tiresome when it comes to form filling out. Soz, here's what I told her.

I said: honey, I'd like you to take my last name. both from ego and because it's a tradition I kind of like. It's a naming convention that shows we're together as a couple. However, if you want to keep your last name, that's really fine too. The only thing I don't want to do is hypehnate, because that's just awkward when it comes to filling out paperwork.

She suggested I could take her name...and I considered it as an option. We ended up talking through why we thought people take last names, or don't take them. What worked for the two of us was her decision to take my last name.

I think the more we talked about the various options available to us, the more we realized that it didn't mean a whole lot to us either way; that it was just paperwork, not who we are.

This may or may not sound crazy but I really like the last name change/unification. In my opinion for a marriage to actually work both people must abandon their former self-driven personalities and become in a sense, one person. The melding of the last name is legal just like the financial, physical, and emotional ties become. Now whether or not the man's name replaces the female or they combine or in the case of gay relationships one chooses over the other etc. doesn't matter to me at all. As the commitment deepens so should the ties and thus the names as well.

Officially, I changed mine to my husband's name.

Unofficially, I sometimes use my maiden name, purely because 1. haven't gotten around to changing it on some things - like work stuff and 2. I like my maiden name and felt I lost part of myself when I changed.

All legal docs are changed over, but it's purely for my own satisfaction. I change the spelling of my name sometimes too.

I recently went to my high school reunion and men way outnumbered women, because most women could not be located because they have a new last name.

Jonathan

I think this is a very nice summation of the beginning of laying the foundation for a successful marriage. When I got married, I wanted to change my last name because I wanted to show to the world that I was a new and different person- my husband's wife. It's really special for me to have his last name- and it really represents a sense of unity for us, our joining into a family. Althought now I'm stuck with a last name that people don't know how to spell, unlike my maiden name! :lol:

You know, it's not that big a deal to me these days (what others choose to do), but in my case I was very happy to cast off my step-father's name (he adopted me after marrying my mother) and adopt my husband's name. I had not only no emotional tie to my maiden name nor the man who "gave" it to me, I had an antipathy towards it.

I felt that in accepting a new last name, I was accepting a big part of Jack's background and family history, that he was offering me in love. It wasn't an ownership thing, it was an offer of a very intimate part of him, and I was proud and happy to accept it.

But I do totally see how it can be accuartely perceived as a continuation of female-dominance, "females are not as important" type of attitude in society.

Hmm, good to see this thread has come up again.

I've been thinking a lot about this again, and am a little torn. Mostly, I do think it's okay to switch my last name out for ktspktsp's, but I'm a little to feminist to go down that easily.

With all the development of women's rights in the last 50 years, it's amazing that while women are no longer forced to change their names to their husband's, men still have no pressure or motivation to change their own names. Why not ask both people to change their names?

For example, I know only one couple where both people DID change their names. BOTH the man and woman's last names changed and became two words... the last name of the wife first, and then the husband's last name (with a space in between). I know it's still just as long as a hyphenated one, but at least it doesn't have that annoying hyphen... and both man and woman change their names to reflect their unity.

I guess, to me, I fully agree with what everyone is saying about unity and abandoning one's selfish tendencies upon marriage... and how this should be reflected in a common name. I don't like the idea of not changing my name at all. But I also don't like the idea of the man not changing HIS name whatsoever. It just doesn't seem fair in terms of both people changing their identities together.

But I don't see how to go about it any other way, unless to adopt a brand new last name by both people (which just seems weird to me, and awkward). I would like to somehow keep the uniqueness of both last names for both
people, but without a hyphen! :lol:

However, in the end I will most likely just take ktspktsp's name and be done with it, because I don't want to fuss around with all my massively long Icelandic names in addition to his Lebanese one. Sigh. Practicality wins, I guess. :rolleyes:

It's an individual decision but my wife took my last name and we are both very satisfied with that. I'm sure someone thinks that means my wife has betrayed her gender and I'm a dominating caveman, but I could care less what anyone who thinks that way believes, y'know?

Do whatever feels good.

Eh, it's honestly just a hold-over of days when women were considered property, pure and simple. I guess we should be grateful they didn't get into the habit of branding women when they wed, or else we'd have a thread on "Did you get branded when you got married?", and discussing the merits of why or why not brand, how meaningful it can be, and branding as a symbol of selflessness and unity... ;)

I would say its more of a hold over days when the woman would join the mans family. Taking the last name would be a way of saying you are now part of that clan, no longer an outsider. If anything it would have been a way of saying you were equal to the other family members. We forget that prior to the industrial age, families tended to stay together, in the same home, for many generations.

I've said this before, but not all cultures have always required women to change their names. In Iceland, women have NEVER changed their last name. It's just not expected, so there's no "discussion" about it. It's still an historically-patriarchal society, since women (and men's) last names are based on their father's first name (with a -dottir or -son after it)... so the discussion there is often regarding whether to give your child the father's first name, or the mother's (again, with the appropriate affix... and who knows what happens when people are transgender, therefore not clearly a son OR a daughter).

Anyway, I am half-Icelandic but I wasn't raised in that society. I was raised in the US, where women still generally take their husbands' name. But even though I don't judge other women for taking their husbands' names, it doesn't feel right to me. But it also doesn't feel right to have my name (and his) remain unchangd after marriage, either. :( So, when highthief said:
I agree, but I don't know what "feels good" to me in this case. It doesn't feel good to have to change my name when the man isn't expected to do anything, either. But then again, I can't think of any viable alternative (I don't like hyphens or whatever). The way the system is, it seems that ONE name wins out, unless you're willing to hyphenate, which is frickin' annoying. So it's just "easier" to go along with the man's name, for practical reasons, and to try and ignore all the ideological shit that comes with it.

And that doesn't feel very good to me, but I don't know what else to do. :| I love ktspktsp's last name as much as I love mine, but I also want us to share those names somehow. What to do?

Don't know if this has been already mentioned or not, but I have some friends who recently got married, and they BOTH changed their name to something completely different from what eithers had been before. It's certainly an option.

Bet it's confusing at family reunions though. "You're the whatses?"

Hey I know the Earps in Arizona, is she from here?

I hope my future wife will take my last name, but I don't care too much. Mostly to avoid confusion.

That sounds a little ... competitive? Is that what you meant to say?

No single thing is ever exactly equal in a marriage. Someone will always make more money, or do more housework, or have more friends. And someone might change their last name. Marriage is not about exact equality in each and every little thing, it is about equality and respect in the overall scheme of things.

I think in many places now it is very much easier to keep your maiden name as you have to go through a process to get all your IDs changed. I know in Quebec, it is quite an ordeal and most women now just keep the maiden name.

Anyway, it's what you have to live with until the divorce (just kidding!) so make sure you like your decision. I guess it is easy to keep your own name then switch if you so desire. It is harder (sans divorce) to take his name, then decide you made the wrong move and go back to the maiden name.

Good luck!

Change both your names or get over it.

As for me, I don't really want to give up my last name, but I wouldn't care if my wife didn't want to give up hers either. Hyphenating them would be stupid because I have a long last name, plus it's just stupid.

My fiancee wants my name? And I'm not forcing it on her.

Don't call it something it's not. And it's certainly not sexist to want to be a part of someone. If ash was stuck on her name I would take it; it's much better then mine. But she wants mine, and I want her to have it.

Not sexist... just nice.

Y'know, I was kind of asking a hypothetical question, more for the sake of discussion than anything else. Most women (and some men) have had to think carefully about this decision, and I respect people for what they do decide. I wanted to hear other people's processes, not judgments.

Anyway, I already said earlier: ... so that's pretty much already my decision, but I was looking for other suggestions that I might not have considered.

I don't think it's wrong or sexist to always take the man's name; my point was that it IS a bit much if a man *expects* the woman to take his name, and not even consider what that might mean for her. For some women, it means nothing. Fine. For me, it does mean something. From what I can tell here, most TFP'ers have realized that in their own relationships, and it was part of their decision; I appreciate those stories.

I should also mention that because I'm in academia and publishing papers that will be under my maiden name, changing my name after marriage will make things a bit more complicated for research and job interviews. Female academics are notorious for using hyphenated names because of this very issue. I never said it was a great idea, at least not for me, but other people are just fine with it.
Thanks for the considerate post. Always good to hear people getting called "stupid" for a rather complex decision. It's what TFP is all about. :rolleyes:

:confused:

Whatever. Only my first line was in reply to your post. I thought that saying "as for me" would have signalled that, but I guess you failed to understand.

dammit.... I have to unsubscribe from this thread. It really bothers me that she didn't change her name...almost 5 years later and I'm still bothered by it.