At least you're honest about it. What would she say if you told her that you were still bothered by it? Maybe she would reconsider if she knew how important it was to you?

See, this is why I am thinking through my rationale for changing my name... I don't want to realize five years from now that I regretted changing it, or regretted not changing it. There is just no easy solution, but I do want to feel good about it, in the end.

Nah, I understood, I just didn't like your tone.

Seriously, though, when you said "Change both of your names or get over it," what did you mean by changing both of our names? I assume you don't mean hyphenating... but I'd like to know more about your suggestion. Changing them to something brand-new, like what Zar talked about?

highthief--interesting that you thought I sounded competitive. Honestly, that wasn't my intention. Mostly it's in the interest of equality, which I do believe is attainable (or at least, something to strive for) in marriage. But I agree with you that the overall picture is often more important than the minor details. To me, though, changing one's name is akin to changing one's identity in some way... not something to be taken lightly, by men or women. That's not to say it shouldn't be done, but that it shouldn't be brushed off, either.

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One more comment on this. Ktspktsp and I were discussing this earlier, and he has always reiterated that he doesn't care one way or the other if I change my name or not. But then I asked him what name he would want our children to have?... and he said that yes, it would bother him if they did not have his name. Because there is this expectation that our children would have his name, to carry it on.

This is what bothers me. Not about him personally, but about the system most of us live in. Why is the woman's name seen as disposable? Maybe not in marriage itself, but most often for the children? This is one holdover from the old days that I cannot make sense of.

Yeah yeah, I'll get over it. But like I said, I won't go down easy. :)

Sorry Carno... you directly said that anyone who hyphenates is stupid. Unless english is not your first language.... ?

Jonathan

Well, there is a lot of Spanish spoken in Flori-duh... ;)

No I didn't. Is english your first language? I said hyphenating names is stupid; I did not say that people who hyphenate their names are stupid. Semantics maybe, but you chose to go there and you are wrong.

In any case, that's my opinion, love it or hate it. If you choose to get offended by my opinion, have at it; it doesn't bother me in the least.

does getting tattooed count? :lol: Dave and I got matching tats unique to US...so in a sense yes to me...yes I got branded :thumbsup:

I considered several different options when I was married. I could keep my father's name, take my mother's maiden name, move my maiden name to my middle, hyphenate my name with Grace's, or just take Grace's name. Alternately, we could have chosen something new for the family.

Keeping my maiden name was the first thing I dismissed. Breaking ties with my father and his line was actually a big positive, and thus, keeping it in any way, as my last, middle, or hyphenated, was discarded easily.

I felt little connection to my mother's maiden name, and didn't like the "son of [male name] patriarchal formation of it.

I did want to have the same last name as her, and since I was changing it anyway, it made the most sense to take her name. I like the idea of being a part of her family more than my own birth family anyway, and it helps reinforce for us the sense of family. It's also symbolic for us in that it's a way of saying that our marriage is as real as anybody else's.

We had a traditional marriage ceremony with a slight accommodation for there being no groom. When referring to "traditional" wedding vows or ceremonies, you should keep in mind that not everyone has a Christian ceremony. Grace and I had a traditional ceremony--a traditional Shinto ceremony.

Sissy says there is no way she's changing her name for some man after so carefully choosing just the right name to fit who she is as a person.

Gilda

When I got married, It really didn't matter to me if my wife took my last name or not. I thought of it as her decision. Her coice was to take my last name, and move her maiden name to the middle name. That way she got to keep her name and take mine. She treats it just liek a middle name (i.e. when she signs her name she puts the middle initial)

Although we live in the US, we spend a lot of time in Quebec. In Quebec it appears to be tradition that legally everyone keeps their name, but socially are called by the husbands name.

We have one set of friends that both changed their last name to Bandon. It was the name of a town that they had been visiting on a bike tour where they met and started the relationship that led their to marriage. I thought it was amusing the grief that he got for changing his name... A LOT of puzzled looks. Hey! If Madonna and Elton John can change their name, why not him... :)

Life is to short to be unhappy. If you care about you name, keep it, or stick it some where that makes you happy. ;)

Okay, Carno, so you are saying that the second stupid is exactly the same as the first stupid in your english correct grammar sentence ?

So to use your own logic, your sentence is stupid, but you are not stupid.

LOL

Jonathan

I contested your use of the word "directly," not whether or not I was implying people were stupid for hyphenating their names; which I am not.

Thinking that hyphenating names is stupid does not mean that I think that people who hyphenate their names are stupid.

Why do you think it is the same thing?

EDIT: and yes, it is possible to say something stupid and not be stupid, but my sentence was not stupid. Einstein could have said that the moon was made of cheese (a stupid sentence), but that does not mean that he is automatically stupid.

Sidebar: Carno's logic is sound. Are you saying is that everyone who ever said a stupid sentence is stupid?

Back to topic: If I understand some viewpoints correctly, although men are routinely ridiculed or dissed for "inability to commit," a woman who can't commit to a marriage enough to change her name is a feminist to be admired.

Sorry, not buying that. I understand if both parties want to change their name, but IMO, the woman can easily solve the problem by not getting married.

Of course, that could interfere with alimony, but hey--she shouldn't compromise her convictions.

Maybe I am misunderstanding, but are you saying that if a woman doesn't change her name, that means she "can't commit to a marriage?" :| Or are you just playing devil's advocate?

In any case, glad this thread has come up again, because I'm getting married in two weeks and must sign the license in 7 days. I thought I had resigned myself to taking ktspktsp's last name, mostly due to a mix of personal and professional reasons. No sooner do I announce this, than I start feeling the same old way again... that it's just plain unfair, and why doesn't he have to go through the same shit (I get hellfire and brimstone whether I change it or not, these days), etc. I just hate the whole system right now, and I hate how it's been bred into both me and him from day one. As if that means we can't stand up and do our own thing??? BLEH.

dammit... why am I still subscribed to this thread that bugs the jeebus out of me.

and yes abaya all that anxiety, multiplied by 100 and toss in some guilt there.

Who has ridiculed men for not committing in this thread? I'd think that since we are discussing marriage, the commitment is a given.

What does changing her name have to do with committing to the marriage? What about the man? If both parties are keeping their own name, wouldn't that mean, by this logic, that the man wasn't committing to the marriage by keeping his name?

Or by keeping her name is that's what is best for her.

Of course, because divorce and the subsequent spousal support, which can go both ways, and the ensuing drop in quality of life for both spouses, that's the purpose of marriage. Not, say, commitment to the person you love.

Gilda

I've never been married, but have been engaged 3 times. Which will explain the following.

The first time I was nineteen and a little superficial I wanted his name and mine because I thought it was the cool thing to do.

The second I wanted both because he was so obsessed with keeping his name and I was loosing my own identity in a very controling relationship.

The third time I said no worries I want his name and didnt hesitate in saying so when he asked. I suprised myself. I want to be a part of his family completely.:love: