How Closely to get Involved? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

sillygirl · 12-16-2003, 04:07 PM

I work as a caregiver for an agency in my city. I go to old peoples' homes and I'll cook for them, take them to appts, whatever they need.

Well, I just got assigned a new client. I went over Sunday to get a key to her house (she's got a hoyer lift to get out of bed, so she can't get to the door in the morning), she seems like a nice lady, she shows me around, etc. I'm supposed to be there every morning to get her out of bed, and then in the afternoons again so she can take a nap, etc.

I show up Monday morning, bright and early with a smile on my face, ready for this new adventure. I learn the hoyer lift, do everything that needs to be done, we end up chatting and I learn that she has no family or close friends in Arizona. Everyone lives in Minnesota.

Well, I go back that afternoon, and she's not there. Her electric wheelchair is there, she's not in bed, front door's unlocked, something's majorly wrong. I track her down to an ER in a hospital across town. She ends up having 2 broken legs plus more fractures. I, being the person that I am, end up spending about 5 hours total in the hospital with her because she doesn't have anyone else to help her. I took care of her dog, her house, etc. Looks like she's gonna be in the hospital for about a week.

My boyfriend is concerned that I'm going to overextend myself, stretch myself too far between her and my other clients, plus my massage clients, etc, especially because I'm not sure if I'm going to get paid for all my hours with her until she comes back home.

What's your advice? How involved is too involved? I don't want to leave her alone in the hospital, and it's obvious that she appreciates all my efforts. But I don't want to cross the line between caring for her as my job and caring for her as my grandma... ya know??

Cynthetiq · 12-16-2003, 07:10 PM

IMHO since you don't know her so well, play it by ear. Do what you can for what time you have. Give as much as you can without compromising the rest of your clients, lover, and family.

good luck

oberon · 12-16-2003, 07:29 PM

Well, if you already signed up to spend X hours of time helping this woman each day, I'd do just that.

I guess I agree with Cynthetiq.

analog · 12-16-2003, 11:31 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Cynthetiq
IMHO since you don't know her so well, play it by ear. Do what you can for what time you have. Give as much as you can without compromising the rest of your clients, lover, and family.

Agreed.

Bill O'Rights · 12-17-2003, 08:41 AM

Well, I suppose that the right thing would be to spend as much time helping her as you can, without jeopardizing your other obligations. Since you really have no emotional buy in with this woman yet, you are certainly free to step back and let the universe take care of it. However, sillygirl, I think that you and I both know that you won't do that, because the universe (or God, if you must) has already taken care of it by providing her with...you. You know that she needs you, so do for her what you can, emotionally and physically, without stretching yourself so thin that all aspects of your life begin to suffer, and you'll be fine. Your rewards will be far greater than any paycheck, so don't factor that in. See this thing through and you, sillygirl, are my hero.

Try contacting her family to see if anyone can come down to help.

sillygirl · 12-17-2003, 02:24 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Bill O'Rights
However, sillygirl, I think that you and I both know that you won't do that, because the universe (or God, if you must) has already taken care of it by providing her with...you. You know that she needs you, so do for her what you can, emotionally and physically, without stretching yourself so thin that all aspects of your life begin to suffer, and you'll be fine. Your rewards will be far greater than any paycheck, so don't factor that in. See this thing through and you, sillygirl, are my hero.

Try contacting her family to see if anyone can come down to help.

All 6 of her kids live in Minnesota, none of them will come down.

I'm going to help her whether or not I get paid for it. She needs someone who cares about her, who's willing to take care of her. She's got a catheter, a colostomy bag, she's diabetic, she is always either in her electric wheelchair or in bed laying down. She can't even roll over by herself. I want someone to help me if I ever wasn't able to take care of myself, and I can't expect that if I don't help whomever I can in my life, right? Besides, she's 77 years old. She's had 6 kids. She has already earned my respect because of that. She's a happy lady, sweet as can be. I think that she deserves to have someone care about her, and it comes so easily because of who she is.

It brought tears to my eyes the other night when I was sitting with her in the ER. I had gone home for food and to take care of JoJo, her dog. When I came back her eyes lit up and she just held my hand. She kept telling me how much she appreciated that I would come back to see her, and how she was quickly growing to love me. She kept saying that she wanted to pay me back somehow. All I could say to her was, "Well, you would've done the same for me, right?" Her response, "If I could use my legs I would. " My response to that, "Well, then we're even." I can't stand the thought of leaving such a sweet lady alone in the hospital all day every day, with no family, cards, flowers, visitors, etc.

Bill O'Rights · 12-17-2003, 02:45 PM

Hey, then you're already getting some of that payback...right?

I knew that you'd do the right thing, just from what little that I do know of you. This lady needs you now, probably more than anyone will ever need you. You are making a massive difference in this womans life, and in the balance of the universe. A big huge e-hug, and a big wet e-kiss, on the cheek, from me to you.

You rock!!

sillygirl · 12-17-2003, 06:19 PM

Awww, shucks. *blushes* Thanks!

bermuDa · 12-18-2003, 01:33 AM

wow, I couldn't handle a job like that... mostly because I would definitely get attached, and I can't handle watching people fall apart... I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that my neighbors are aging rapidly

Bill O'Rights · 12-18-2003, 02:58 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by sillygirl
Awww, shucks. *blushes* Thanks!

Hey, don't thank me...it's you that deserve the thanks. It's you that's doing the sacrificing, not me. And certainly not her children. (I edited out the word "ungrateful" children, because I really don't the circumstances behind it all, now do I?) What you are doing for this elderly lady means more to her than you will ever know. And while I can offer you little in the way of physical support, I offer to you emotional and moral support. It would be so easy to just turn your back, and say "Screw this, it's not my problem. Let her kids deal with it." And you would be justified in doing so. You, however, have chosen to take the higher road and in the course have evolved into a being that transcends the rest of us...you are now a true "Human" Being.

In short, (a little late for that) thank you.

oberon · 12-18-2003, 03:08 PM

I thought I'd recommend a good book about somebody who was in a similar position, sillygirl. I think it's a great book about life, love, family, emotions, and especially death.

Tuesdays with Morrie, by Mitch Albom (1997)

sillygirl · 12-18-2003, 06:40 PM

I just today found out that she's in the ICU. I was told that I was on the list of people that would be contacted, but the nurse wouldn't tell me anything. He wouldn't even tell me what ROOM she's in. I couldn't get down there today though. Shitty.

wry1 · 12-21-2003, 01:48 AM

I've got to agree with what I've been reading to this point....be there for her, but not at the expense of your other commitments. If she's all alone in Arizona, then it really should be addressed by her family (in Minnesota). Perhaps she moves back up there; or if health reasons prohibit this, then perhaps a member of the family would like to take time and live in AZ for a while?

From my 10 years living in Tempe, I sure can say that I'd be willing to do it if it was a member of my family!

Of course, it might just be the fact that I'm looking at a few inches of snow outside my window right now that makes that hot, dry climate all the more attractive....

sillygirl · 12-22-2003, 04:36 PM

I went and saw her at the hospital today. She's pretty bad. They can't do anything for her legs, there's practically no bone left there. And she's got pneumonia, and apparently went into cardiac arrest last Thursday. They don't think she's ever gonna make it home, if anything (act of God), she'll end up in a managed care facility.

She couldn't even talk to me, could barely open her eyes.

Sometimes I wish that I didn't care for people the way I do... but then... I'd want someone to care for me, and not enough people out there DO care for the elderly.

My boyfriend has been telling me that he doesn't think it was an accident that I was assigned to her just as she would need me most. I think I agree.... it's just so hard....

amonkie · 12-22-2003, 06:05 PM

Sillygirl,

I can share your pain. One of the young kids I work with ( 5 yrs old) in respite has been in the hospital for the last week, after they found a tumor in his spine. I was very torn between wanting to be there for him and has family, and spending quality time studying for my finals. In the end, all you can really do is follow your heart. If you don't, you'll always have this feeling you didn't do everything you could or thought you should have done. Even though it's not your fault her family won't come down, the fact that you care enough to go out of your way to help her may mean so much more to this gentle lady who has touched your heart, because no one is dragging you to be there with her. She is in my prayers, as are you, for any strength you need. People like you are what make living worthwhile.

12-16-2003, 04:07 PM	#1 (permalink)
sillygirl Newlywed Location: at home	How Closely to get Involved? I work as a caregiver for an agency in my city. I go to old peoples' homes and I'll cook for them, take them to appts, whatever they need. Well, I just got assigned a new client. I went over Sunday to get a key to her house (she's got a hoyer lift to get out of bed, so she can't get to the door in the morning), she seems like a nice lady, she shows me around, etc. I'm supposed to be there every morning to get her out of bed, and then in the afternoons again so she can take a nap, etc. I show up Monday morning, bright and early with a smile on my face, ready for this new adventure. I learn the hoyer lift, do everything that needs to be done, we end up chatting and I learn that she has no family or close friends in Arizona. Everyone lives in Minnesota. Well, I go back that afternoon, and she's not there. Her electric wheelchair is there, she's not in bed, front door's unlocked, something's majorly wrong. I track her down to an ER in a hospital across town. She ends up having 2 broken legs plus more fractures. I, being the person that I am, end up spending about 5 hours total in the hospital with her because she doesn't have anyone else to help her. I took care of her dog, her house, etc. Looks like she's gonna be in the hospital for about a week. My boyfriend is concerned that I'm going to overextend myself, stretch myself too far between her and my other clients, plus my massage clients, etc, especially because I'm not sure if I'm going to get paid for all my hours with her until she comes back home. What's your advice? How involved is too involved? I don't want to leave her alone in the hospital, and it's obvious that she appreciates all my efforts. But I don't want to cross the line between caring for her as my job and caring for her as my grandma... ya know?? __________________ Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken ....absence makes me miss him more...

12-16-2003, 07:10 PM	#2 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	IMHO since you don't know her so well, play it by ear. Do what you can for what time you have. Give as much as you can without compromising the rest of your clients, lover, and family. good luck __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

12-16-2003, 07:29 PM	#3 (permalink)
oberon Quadrature Amplitude Modulator Location: Denver	Well, if you already signed up to spend X hours of time helping this woman each day, I'd do just that. I guess I agree with Cynthetiq. __________________ "There are finer fish in the sea than have ever been caught." -- Irish proverb

12-17-2003, 08:41 AM	#5 (permalink)
Bill O'Rights will always be an Alyson Hanniganite Location: In the dust of the archives	Well, I suppose that the right thing would be to spend as much time helping her as you can, without jeopardizing your other obligations. Since you really have no emotional buy in with this woman yet, you are certainly free to step back and let the universe take care of it. However, sillygirl, I think that you and I both know that you won't do that, because the universe (or God, if you must) has already taken care of it by providing her with...you. You know that she needs you, so do for her what you can, emotionally and physically, without stretching yourself so thin that all aspects of your life begin to suffer, and you'll be fine. Your rewards will be far greater than any paycheck, so don't factor that in. See this thing through and you, sillygirl, are my hero. Try contacting her family to see if anyone can come down to help. __________________ "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony "Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt. Last edited by Bill O'Rights; 12-17-2003 at 08:44 AM..

12-17-2003, 02:45 PM	#7 (permalink)
Bill O'Rights will always be an Alyson Hanniganite Location: In the dust of the archives	Hey, then you're already getting some of that payback...right? I knew that you'd do the right thing, just from what little that I do know of you. This lady needs you now, probably more than anyone will ever need you. You are making a massive difference in this womans life, and in the balance of the universe. A big huge e-hug, and a big wet e-kiss, on the cheek, from me to you. You rock!! __________________ "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony "Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

12-17-2003, 06:19 PM	#8 (permalink)
sillygirl Newlywed Location: at home	Awww, shucks. blushes Thanks! __________________ Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken ....absence makes me miss him more...

12-18-2003, 01:33 AM	#9 (permalink)
bermuDa don't ignore this--> Location: CA	wow, I couldn't handle a job like that... mostly because I would definitely get attached, and I can't handle watching people fall apart... I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that my neighbors are aging rapidly __________________ I am the very model of a moderator gentleman.

12-18-2003, 03:08 PM	#11 (permalink)
oberon Quadrature Amplitude Modulator Location: Denver	I thought I'd recommend a good book about somebody who was in a similar position, sillygirl. I think it's a great book about life, love, family, emotions, and especially death. Tuesdays with Morrie, by Mitch Albom (1997) __________________ "There are finer fish in the sea than have ever been caught." -- Irish proverb

12-18-2003, 06:40 PM	#12 (permalink)
sillygirl Newlywed Location: at home	I just today found out that she's in the ICU. I was told that I was on the list of people that would be contacted, but the nurse wouldn't tell me anything. He wouldn't even tell me what ROOM she's in. I couldn't get down there today though. Shitty. __________________ Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken ....absence makes me miss him more...

12-21-2003, 01:48 AM	#13 (permalink)
wry1 Loser Location: Far too far from my Angel....	I've got to agree with what I've been reading to this point....be there for her, but not at the expense of your other commitments. If she's all alone in Arizona, then it really should be addressed by her family (in Minnesota). Perhaps she moves back up there; or if health reasons prohibit this, then perhaps a member of the family would like to take time and live in AZ for a while? From my 10 years living in Tempe, I sure can say that I'd be willing to do it if it was a member of my family! Of course, it might just be the fact that I'm looking at a few inches of snow outside my window right now that makes that hot, dry climate all the more attractive....

12-22-2003, 04:36 PM	#14 (permalink)
sillygirl Newlywed Location: at home	I went and saw her at the hospital today. She's pretty bad. They can't do anything for her legs, there's practically no bone left there. And she's got pneumonia, and apparently went into cardiac arrest last Thursday. They don't think she's ever gonna make it home, if anything (act of God), she'll end up in a managed care facility. She couldn't even talk to me, could barely open her eyes. Sometimes I wish that I didn't care for people the way I do... but then... I'd want someone to care for me, and not enough people out there DO care for the elderly. My boyfriend has been telling me that he doesn't think it was an accident that I was assigned to her just as she would need me most. I think I agree.... it's just so hard.... __________________ Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken ....absence makes me miss him more... Last edited by sillygirl; 12-22-2003 at 04:59 PM..

12-22-2003, 06:05 PM	#15 (permalink)
amonkie Drifting Administrator Location: Windy City	Sillygirl, I can share your pain. One of the young kids I work with ( 5 yrs old) in respite has been in the hospital for the last week, after they found a tumor in his spine. I was very torn between wanting to be there for him and has family, and spending quality time studying for my finals. In the end, all you can really do is follow your heart. If you don't, you'll always have this feeling you didn't do everything you could or thought you should have done. Even though it's not your fault her family won't come down, the fact that you care enough to go out of your way to help her may mean so much more to this gentle lady who has touched your heart, because no one is dragging you to be there with her. She is in my prayers, as are you, for any strength you need. People like you are what make living worthwhile. __________________ Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna