my best friends grilfriend - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

dragon2fire · 11-19-2003, 09:04 PM

over the last few months me and my best friends grilfriend have been talking alot online

i wonder just how far is it ok to go with out stepping over the line

is it ok to become good friends with her

please note i am not trying to take her away form my best friend

should i stay away form her so as not to cause problems

thoughts?

JStrider · 11-19-2003, 09:12 PM

its fine to be friends with her... just make sure your friend knows your just friends... and doesnt get jealous... and a good way to tell how he feels about it is to think how you would feel if he were to start becoming friends with your girlfriend...

dragon2fire · 11-19-2003, 09:14 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by JStrider
its fine to be friends with her... just make sure your friend knows your just friends... and doesnt get jealous... and a good way to tell how he feels about it is to think how you would feel if he were to start becoming friends with your girlfriend...

thanks for the advice but you see this is were this gets gray for me

i don have a grilfriend and never have

so i just plain dont know how far is to far

i will let him know we are just friends

numist · 11-19-2003, 10:12 PM

whatever you do - make sure he knows whats going on - improves your credibility and keeps everything above-board, dont get into anything your not comfortable with.

You are the judge on this one, just keep a little bit of a safety zone and you'll be fine.

my g/f and my best friends are great friends, they greet with a hug and do a lot together. I'm not worried at all because him and I are close and open, and I trust him.

Keep all that in mind, and act accordingly.

majik_6 · 11-20-2003, 12:03 AM

If you keep your head on straight, then there's nothing wrong with it.

I was very good friends with my best friend's (now ex) girlfriend. We had a lot in common, and it was allowed us all to hang out together. It was also nice to have each other to lean on when he was in basic training (they were young, and inseparable, and I was very close with him, we spent most of our time together). It was a rough summer for me and my (now ex) g/f, so in my friend's absence, his g/f was a great person to just talk to and hang around with. But I have deep respect for my friend, and I knew to never take it too far. That's the key. It's sometimes a blurry line, but that just means you may have to look a little harder.

Kyo · 11-20-2003, 07:19 AM

- I aruge that it would be unnatural if such a friendship did not develop. After all, both of you are closely attached to the same person - it is a logical second step that a close bond would develop between the two of you.

- As long as everyone is clear about what exactly is going on, difficulties should be avoided. Problems in relationships generally arise from lack of sufficient communication.

txlovely · 11-20-2003, 10:56 AM

I would be very careful and as others have advised, be sure your friend knows of your relationship with his girlfriend. Also, I would include him in some of the conversations you share via e-mail. He won't feel left out. NEVER EVER let her discuss their relationship with you. That will most definitely push things in a completely different direction. Walk the fine line carefully...

xtreemmar1ne · 11-20-2003, 12:14 PM

That's the most important part right there, keeping your friend advised. Even if he trusts you completely there still might be that sneaking little doubt in the back of his mind that says you are trying to get with his girl.

Bloodslick · 11-20-2003, 12:23 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by txlovely
NEVER EVER let her discuss their relationship with you. That will most definitely push things in a completely different direction. Walk the fine line carefully...

While it's not fun to hear and may be a little straining on the friendship, this is good advice. Either of them may want to come to you as a disinterested third party at times for advice. Unfortunately, you're not a disinterested third party. You're someone who likes and respects both people. When one person goes to another for advice, they're usually seeking out a sympathetic ear who will tell them the things they've already decided. You won't be able to tell both of them what they want to hear.

Also, never buy her an expensive gift because you have the money at the time and your friend doesn't. It seems like such common sense advice, doesn't it? A friend of mine in high school actually thought that I would understand his giving my girlfriend a pair of diamond earrings. If I had gone to the store with him to pick them out and had been allowed to deliver them as a joint gift, things would have been fine. As it happened, I didn't speak to him for over a year, I believe.

Vyk · 11-20-2003, 03:43 PM

One good piece of advice that a counselor once gave me was this: never discuss things with her that you wouldn't feel comfortable discussing in front of her boyfriend.

Take that advice to heart and you should stay out of trouble.

Cross that line and well... tis a slippery slope ye walk.

onetime2 · 11-20-2003, 03:55 PM

I lost a friend when the possibility of a relationship grew between me and his girlfriend. We hung out quite a bit and he had been abusive to her in the past. I always advised her to get out of the situation. Some have said I should have been more loyal to him and not offered such advice. To me, morally, I couldn't not offer that advice.

When I went to visit them after a business trip, I spent most of the weekend with her while he worked (not my idea, and I didn't know that before going to visit) and things got ugly. When the three of us went out to a bar and he went to the men's room, she leaned in and said "You can kiss me, if you want." I said no way and thought that was it.

I left the next day and a few months later we were all at a party together. The girlfriend and I sat down to talk about what happened and my friend went ballistic. I felt I didn't cross any lines but apparently he did. I didn't tell him about it since I attributed it to her being drunk and us spending so much time together that weekend.

He felt betrayed and I felt insulted by his thought that I had betrayed him.

bermuDa · 11-21-2003, 12:34 AM

Vyk's advice is awesome

dragon2fire · 11-23-2003, 12:36 PM

thanks for the advice everyone

Rubyee · 11-23-2003, 03:17 PM

I think it is great that the two of you can become friends. After all, a lot of friendship problems are created when a friend does not get along with the other's girlfriend. I would say that talking on the internet is fine, as long as you are not talking about your friend behind his back. The crossing of the line might begin if the two of you started going out together.

I never had this problem, as my boyfriend and I and his friend always hung out together. If Ryan was at work, I would sometimes get dinner with his friend. But that was acceptable because I always asked him, and I knew that IF Ryan had a problem with it, it would come back on me, and not him.

mr_smith99 · 11-23-2003, 06:05 PM

She used to be mine

[/The Cars]

Sorry, title made me think of that.

mr_smith99

Vyk · 11-23-2003, 08:15 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by bermuDa
Vyk's advice is awesome

Thanks bermuDa

arael · 11-23-2003, 08:23 PM

be really careful...
maybe i'm just saying this because i just read othello again a few days ago... but jealousy is very dangerous -_-

xtreemmar1ne · 11-24-2003, 07:29 AM

I have to agree with Rubyee. It's definitely easier to make good friends with the gf/ bf. Theres only been a few of my friends gfs that I absolutely couldn't stand.....made for some interesting dinner conversation. But on the other hand, theres also a few that I became really good friends with and we're still friends even after they broke up with their bfs.

skysooner · 11-24-2003, 08:13 AM

This is pretty normal. I'm pretty good friends with my wife's sister. The key thing is to be open with your friend about the things you discuss, etc. You should also never cross a line in conversation unless they ask you. For instance, my sister-in-law would ask me for relationship advice (i.e. why do guys do certain things). I used to give it to her until she got married 2 years ago. Now I tread carefully and offer such advice only through my wife (who is best friends with her sister). I'm not particularly close to my brother-in-law, but I feel that offering such advice now has more implications than when she was just dating guys.

Sho Nuff · 11-25-2003, 12:45 PM

Absolutely nothing good can come of this. STAY AWAY!

RemyLebeau97 · 11-26-2003, 11:29 PM

Ima have to agree with Vyk on this also, cause that's how shit gets started, then your best friend approaches you like.....Why didn't you tell me she said that, I thought we were best friends.

JohnS72 · 11-28-2003, 08:46 AM

I think it all depends on your friend. If he becomes paranoid that you're friends with his girlfriend, ditch your friend. I trust all of my friends, so I don't see why he couldn't do the same with you if you guys were really friends.

ReggErving · 12-04-2003, 09:24 PM

Your obviously worried which means you are probably crossing the line.

dragon2fire · 12-05-2003, 01:28 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by ReggErving
Your obviously worried which means you are probably crossing the line.

i was a littled worried when i frist made this post but after nurmerous leagthy talks with her and my best friend i am no longer concerned at all

i belive all three of us have a understanding

thanks for the input all

analog · 12-06-2003, 01:00 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by txlovely
NEVER EVER let her discuss their relationship with you.

Absolutely. That's a path not travelled by the friend of the guy, that's the path travelled by HER friends. You are the guy's friend. Don't get in the middle.

Sounds like you have nothing but pure intentions, and as long as they stay that way, you should be fine.

As someone else pointed out, if you're going to remain HIS friend, you're pretty much going to become a friend of some kind to her no matter what, so let things go as they will.

krwlz · 12-06-2003, 06:38 PM

Im in a similar situation with my friends ex. Im not really sure whats appropriate, so I dont encourage it... I definatly dont try to stem her interests either though

ashap · 12-09-2003, 06:24 AM

It's okay to be good friends with your friends lady, just keep your wits about you. It could put you in a very sticky situation. Don't get trapped in the he said, she said thing between them. I definitely agree that you should let your buddy know you two are becoming good friends, but make sure it is just that. I've seen situations where things get kinda ugly and the middleman (you) gets stuck between a rock andd a hard place, so to speak.

macro · 12-10-2003, 11:52 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Sho Nuff
Absolutely nothing good can come of this. STAY AWAY!

Why? I'm great friends with a lot of my best mate's girlfriends and in a way where we can chat about just about anything. Her status as a friend's girl shouldn't stop you from being friends.

You will know the line when you get to it. You may never get there, nor will you want to - you will have a beautiful friendship as a result.

11-19-2003, 09:04 PM	#1 (permalink)
dragon2fire Junkie	my best friends grilfriend over the last few months me and my best friends grilfriend have been talking alot online i wonder just how far is it ok to go with out stepping over the line is it ok to become good friends with her please note i am not trying to take her away form my best friend should i stay away form her so as not to cause problems thoughts?

11-19-2003, 09:12 PM	#2 (permalink)
JStrider Poo-tee-weet? Location: The Woodlands, TX	its fine to be friends with her... just make sure your friend knows your just friends... and doesnt get jealous... and a good way to tell how he feels about it is to think how you would feel if he were to start becoming friends with your girlfriend... __________________ -=JStrider=- ~Clatto Verata Nicto

11-20-2003, 12:03 AM	#5 (permalink)
majik_6 narcissist Location: looking in a mirror	If you keep your head on straight, then there's nothing wrong with it. I was very good friends with my best friend's (now ex) girlfriend. We had a lot in common, and it was allowed us all to hang out together. It was also nice to have each other to lean on when he was in basic training (they were young, and inseparable, and I was very close with him, we spent most of our time together). It was a rough summer for me and my (now ex) g/f, so in my friend's absence, his g/f was a great person to just talk to and hang around with. But I have deep respect for my friend, and I knew to never take it too far. That's the key. It's sometimes a blurry line, but that just means you may have to look a little harder. __________________ it's all about self-indulgence

11-20-2003, 07:19 AM	#6 (permalink)
Kyo Crazy	- I aruge that it would be unnatural if such a friendship did not develop. After all, both of you are closely attached to the same person - it is a logical second step that a close bond would develop between the two of you. - As long as everyone is clear about what exactly is going on, difficulties should be avoided. Problems in relationships generally arise from lack of sufficient communication. __________________ Sure I have a heart; it's floating in a jar in my closet, along with my tonsils, my appendix, and all of the other useless organs I ripped out.

11-20-2003, 10:56 AM	#7 (permalink)
txlovely Insane Location: ...We have a problem.	I would be very careful and as others have advised, be sure your friend knows of your relationship with his girlfriend. Also, I would include him in some of the conversations you share via e-mail. He won't feel left out. NEVER EVER let her discuss their relationship with you. That will most definitely push things in a completely different direction. Walk the fine line carefully... __________________ Cruel words erode self-esteem like the ocean eats away the shore.

11-19-2003, 10:12 PM	#4 (permalink)
numist Banned Location: UCSD, 510.49 miles from my love	whatever you do - make sure he knows whats going on - improves your credibility and keeps everything above-board, dont get into anything your not comfortable with. You are the judge on this one, just keep a little bit of a safety zone and you'll be fine. my g/f and my best friends are great friends, they greet with a hug and do a lot together. I'm not worried at all because him and I are close and open, and I trust him. Keep all that in mind, and act accordingly.

11-20-2003, 12:14 PM	#8 (permalink)
xtreemmar1ne Upright Location: South Kakilaky	That's the most important part right there, keeping your friend advised. Even if he trusts you completely there still might be that sneaking little doubt in the back of his mind that says you are trying to get with his girl. __________________ A true gentleman believes that others are more important than he, that kindness is not a sign of weakness, and that respect is a necessity.

11-20-2003, 03:43 PM	#10 (permalink)
Vyk Insane Location: Dayton, Ohio	One good piece of advice that a counselor once gave me was this: never discuss things with her that you wouldn't feel comfortable discussing in front of her boyfriend. Take that advice to heart and you should stay out of trouble. Cross that line and well... tis a slippery slope ye walk. __________________ "Courage of the heart is very rare" Last edited by Vyk; 11-21-2003 at 08:11 AM..

11-20-2003, 03:55 PM	#11 (permalink)
onetime2 Junkie Location: NJ	I lost a friend when the possibility of a relationship grew between me and his girlfriend. We hung out quite a bit and he had been abusive to her in the past. I always advised her to get out of the situation. Some have said I should have been more loyal to him and not offered such advice. To me, morally, I couldn't not offer that advice. When I went to visit them after a business trip, I spent most of the weekend with her while he worked (not my idea, and I didn't know that before going to visit) and things got ugly. When the three of us went out to a bar and he went to the men's room, she leaned in and said "You can kiss me, if you want." I said no way and thought that was it. I left the next day and a few months later we were all at a party together. The girlfriend and I sat down to talk about what happened and my friend went ballistic. I felt I didn't cross any lines but apparently he did. I didn't tell him about it since I attributed it to her being drunk and us spending so much time together that weekend. He felt betrayed and I felt insulted by his thought that I had betrayed him. __________________ Strive to be more curious than ignorant.

11-21-2003, 12:34 AM	#12 (permalink)
bermuDa don't ignore this--> Location: CA	Vyk's advice is awesome __________________ I am the very model of a moderator gentleman.

11-23-2003, 12:36 PM	#13 (permalink)
dragon2fire Junkie	thanks for the advice everyone

11-23-2003, 03:17 PM	#14 (permalink)
Rubyee I'm baaaaack!	I think it is great that the two of you can become friends. After all, a lot of friendship problems are created when a friend does not get along with the other's girlfriend. I would say that talking on the internet is fine, as long as you are not talking about your friend behind his back. The crossing of the line might begin if the two of you started going out together. I never had this problem, as my boyfriend and I and his friend always hung out together. If Ryan was at work, I would sometimes get dinner with his friend. But that was acceptable because I always asked him, and I knew that IF Ryan had a problem with it, it would come back on me, and not him. __________________ You don't know from fun.

11-23-2003, 06:05 PM	#15 (permalink)
mr_smith99 Upright	She used to be mine [/The Cars] Sorry, title made me think of that. mr_smith99 __________________ (----Mr Smith99----)

11-23-2003, 08:23 PM	#17 (permalink)
arael Banned	be really careful... maybe i'm just saying this because i just read othello again a few days ago... but jealousy is very dangerous -_-

11-24-2003, 07:29 AM	#18 (permalink)
xtreemmar1ne Upright Location: South Kakilaky	I have to agree with Rubyee. It's definitely easier to make good friends with the gf/ bf. Theres only been a few of my friends gfs that I absolutely couldn't stand.....made for some interesting dinner conversation. But on the other hand, theres also a few that I became really good friends with and we're still friends even after they broke up with their bfs. __________________ A true gentleman believes that others are more important than he, that kindness is not a sign of weakness, and that respect is a necessity.

11-24-2003, 08:13 AM	#19 (permalink)
skysooner Registered User Location: Oklahoma	This is pretty normal. I'm pretty good friends with my wife's sister. The key thing is to be open with your friend about the things you discuss, etc. You should also never cross a line in conversation unless they ask you. For instance, my sister-in-law would ask me for relationship advice (i.e. why do guys do certain things). I used to give it to her until she got married 2 years ago. Now I tread carefully and offer such advice only through my wife (who is best friends with her sister). I'm not particularly close to my brother-in-law, but I feel that offering such advice now has more implications than when she was just dating guys.

11-25-2003, 12:45 PM	#20 (permalink)
Sho Nuff Addict Location: Harlem	Absolutely nothing good can come of this. STAY AWAY! __________________ I know Nietzsche doesnt rhyme with peachy, but you sound like a pretentious prick when you correct me.

11-26-2003, 11:29 PM	#21 (permalink)
RemyLebeau97 I stole my boyfriends TFP, hehe !! Location: Galveston, TX	Ima have to agree with Vyk on this also, cause that's how shit gets started, then your best friend approaches you like.....Why didn't you tell me she said that, I thought we were best friends.

11-28-2003, 08:46 AM	#22 (permalink)
JohnS72 Crazy	I think it all depends on your friend. If he becomes paranoid that you're friends with his girlfriend, ditch your friend. I trust all of my friends, so I don't see why he couldn't do the same with you if you guys were really friends.

12-04-2003, 09:24 PM	#23 (permalink)
ReggErving Addict	Your obviously worried which means you are probably crossing the line. __________________ ...sitting on your bed with a samauri pose.

12-06-2003, 06:38 PM	#26 (permalink)
krwlz Fledgling Dead Head Location: Clarkson U.	Im in a similar situation with my friends ex. Im not really sure whats appropriate, so I dont encourage it... I definatly dont try to stem her interests either though

12-09-2003, 06:24 AM	#27 (permalink)
ashap Crazy Location: Great white north	It's okay to be good friends with your friends lady, just keep your wits about you. It could put you in a very sticky situation. Don't get trapped in the he said, she said thing between them. I definitely agree that you should let your buddy know you two are becoming good friends, but make sure it is just that. I've seen situations where things get kinda ugly and the middleman (you) gets stuck between a rock andd a hard place, so to speak.