Letting her know that I like her - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

kryoptic · 10-10-2003, 09:26 PM

How do I let the girl that I'm attracted to know that I have romantic interests about her? A little background follows. I've known this girl for a few months now, we've hung out and done things together, had great chats and whatnot. While I can't say that I'm in love with her, I certainly would like the opportunity to explore this possibility, very much so. I would definitely like to get to know her better. Now I'm going to throw a wrench into the works. Her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer back in March and has been through chemotherapy and is currently undergoing radiation therapy. So I guess in addition to my original question, is this a good time for bringing this up with her? It doesn't have to be all serious right now and I will not make excessive demands on her time as her priorities lie elsewhere at the moment, but I would like to get this out into the open for consideration. Sometimes I think I'm using this as an excuse to not say anything, while at the same time I think that it would be better not to bring it up until perhaps a later time. But a later time may be too late. This is really quite a dilemma for me as I'm sure most people can appreciate. I've already been through this with my "real life" friends. I just would like some more opinions on this.

I would appreciate any sort of advice you all may have. Thanks.

Rubyee · 10-11-2003, 06:42 AM

First of all, I would like to point out that most of the time, if you have a crush on a girl, and you are close as friends, the girl can usually tell. I hate all those shows where the friend has a crush on the other friend, only the other friend doesn't know it. No. Not true. It is usually pretty easy to tell when someone likes you. Or maybe it is just me.

That being said, she may already know. That is why I always advise the not beating around the bush technique. Just be blunt and tell her the truth. Lets say that she does know you like her. Okay, if she likes you back, she will have to wait FOREVER for you to act on it, and it will get annoying. If she does not return the feelings, it will just be a long period of akwardness that might hurt the friendship. If she doesn't know, then chances are the answer would be the same whether you asked her tomorrow, or three months from now. If she feels no romantic connection for you, chances are that won't change.

Now, when you throw the mother into the picture, that just really depends on how she is handling it. If she is mopey and depressed, then asking her may seem a bad time for her. It really just depends on how things are going for her.

But I still go with being blunt and getting all your feelings out there. Girls don't like to be played games with the same as guys. Besides, you might as well know now- if she likes you, it saves you wasted time. If not, it saves you from getting your hopes up.

kryoptic · 10-11-2003, 09:31 AM

Thanks for the great advice. Just being blunt and honest seems to be the advice that I'm getting from most people. Most. I guess I've been lulled into the mainstream media's idea of romance, for example the TLC program "A Wedding Story". *shrung* Also I do get the impression that she does have something for me, this is sort of an intuitive hunch though. You make a lot of good points and I think your advice is the turning point of my indecisiveness. Thanks.

Rubyee · 10-11-2003, 10:06 AM

No problem! I wish you luck and hope that all turns out well for you.

bermuDa · 10-11-2003, 03:23 PM

i agree with rubyee that it's important how she's handling the situation with her mother. It's a bad time to ask someone out when they're depressed, not only cause they might say no but they might jump into the relationship to try and make them feel better, which creates a kind of codependancy that isn't healthy. I say be a friend to her in this trying time, and give her an oppurtunity to develop the same feelings for you. Don't wait too long though, in the tragic possibility that her mother dies, she probably will be depressed and you'll have a lot longer wait.

kryoptic · 10-11-2003, 06:25 PM

She isn't depressed but she is the only person looking after her mom. I'll be careful.

yellowgowild · 10-12-2003, 08:23 AM

When my mom was going through chemo I was 16 and all I wanted was some girl to be by my side while I struggled through the ordeal. Maybe she wants the same thing with you.

The most important thing is to look for whatever signals she might be throwing your way.

skysooner · 10-12-2003, 03:01 PM

You just need to be really, really understanding. Cancer hurts more than just the person who has it. My wife's mom lingered a year after she was diagnosed with Stage 4 ovarian cancer. It was basically impossible to be too supporting to my wife. It is also very easy to say the wrong thing as this is a very difficult time. The best thing you can do is just to listen to her when she needs to talk and to let her know you are always available to talk.

Averett · 10-14-2003, 05:16 AM

Please tell her you like her!!

My mom had a breast cancer 3 years ago (she's thankfully fine now) and I was so glad to have my boyfriend at the time to lean on for support.

Talk to her. Tell her you're interested in her. I'm sure you've been supportive for her through her moms ordeal already, and as a boyfriend type that support can be so much more. I can understand that you are worried that at the moment she might not be in the best mindset to start a relationship, but don't wait.

She may or may not know that you have feelings for her. A few months back a good friend of mine told me that he had a crush on me last year and I had no clue at all. Sometimes you just have to come out and tell the other person. We're not all mind readers

Good luck, let us know how it goes.

BentNotTwisted · 10-14-2003, 07:12 PM

If you haven't told her yet, make sure you are clear that you don't want to put any pressure on her. She is surely stressed out about the cancer. Let her know how you fell and that you will be there for her if she needs you. Then let her decide if the time is right or if it's not meant to be.

Rubyee · 10-15-2003, 02:27 PM

SO?!?!?!?!?!?!

Are you going to follow up with some details?

burntmonkey · 10-15-2003, 05:02 PM

Go for it, bud, there really never is a perfect scenario for this kind of thing.

You have to be willing to accept and deal with the possibility that she might not recipricate your feelings. Tell her you are interested in her but keep developing your friendship with her.

omega2K4 · 10-18-2003, 09:56 PM

Chances are, she already knows how you feel. Women have some sort of goddamned "spidey" sense whenever you are around them. Anyways, tell her how you feel, don't be scared. If she's stayed this long around you, chances are she might feel the same way about you.

kryoptic · 10-19-2003, 05:50 PM

I'm going to go for it this Thursday. I held off last Thursday because she's got lots of stuff due this week. Also, that's a convenient excuse that makes me feel better for not doing so then. Anyways, I'll update then on how things went. Thanks for all of your help/encouragement. It's really great.

kryoptic · 10-23-2003, 07:21 PM

Update, for those who care. I told her that I have started to like her in a more than friends sort of way and asked her what she thought. She tells me that she likes hanging out with me, fun, etc. but she'd like to keep it that way. She gave some really good reasons and was pretty nice about it all. One reason, she lives too far and can't devote enough time to me. Now I was thinking, "I don't think I'd mind", but I didn't say it because my subconscious rational ego tells me I'm lying to myself. So that's a pretty good reason. Reason two, she has things that she needs to clear up, her life is still bungled up right now. Okay, that's a good reason too. I only hope that she wasn't lying to dull the edge of unrequited affection. Let's see, I had other stuff I wanted to say. What did I learn from this experience? My life is not over because of this. Don't give so much thought to any one person. I plan on still remaining friends though. I'm not sure how that will turn out but I really do value our friendship that I cannot just toss it because my feelings are not returned. Yes, I feel like shit right now, but time heals all wounds, right? Right??? I guess I hijacked my own thread. Oh well. Thanks for reading this.

twotimesadingo · 10-23-2003, 07:38 PM

way to go, kryoptic!

yeah, it feels bad now, but once you've gone ahead and declared your feelings for someone, it makes it a lot easier to do in the future.

i'm sorry she wants to keep the friendship in a static state, but that certainly does not seem a bad thing; if she's a good friend, she'll continue to be a good friend, and having someone to chill with is never a bad thing.

don't let her get all weird on you now, what with her knowing that you like her. you'll find that your feelings for her will probably change, given that (at this point) they're unreciprocated. she, however, may feel a bit awkward around you because she knows you have "more than friend" feelings. simply tell her that you still consider your intentions as though of a friend, you were merely interested in exploring a possibility. it should put her to ease, and allow you to continue developing your friendship.

Averett · 10-24-2003, 06:17 AM

I'm glad you told her but I'm sorry she didn't feel the same way.

It took courage

Mitzkrieg · 10-24-2003, 08:47 AM

just read through this thread. nice of ya to come back with an update.

got balls?

YES! Kryoptic has bigguns! way to go man, you took a shot (something i might not have been able to pull off) and you're right, keep the friendship. if she sees that you're still stickin around after she turned you down for now, she'll come around and i bet you guys hook up later on down the road. GOOD LUCK!

mb99usa · 10-24-2003, 09:04 AM

Sorry the outcome was not what you hoped for. Look at it this way you still have a good friend who you are no longer hiding your feelings from and you are free to explore othe roptions if you want.

FroMan · 10-25-2003, 07:44 PM

just be honest and your self. plain and simple. there are no hard and fast rules as to how to get a girl. just pay attention to the little things. they generally like that.

simply walking up to her and having a conversation about your feelings towards her or even asking her out for a one on one date will giver her an indication on how you feel. You just have to get up the curage to talk to her... that is 90% of the challange!

Nimbletoe · 10-25-2003, 07:56 PM

I just went through a very similar situation. Cept the girl was a friend of mine for a few years. I was sick of holding my feelings in, so one day I just told her. She doesn't feel the same, it sucks, and its been akward hanging out ever since (not REALLY akward, but our relationship is now definitley different).

But MAN, am I glad I got that off my chest. It felt really good to share how I felt after the initial rejection :P

10-10-2003, 09:26 PM	#1 (permalink)
kryoptic Upright Location: Toronto	Letting her know that I like her How do I let the girl that I'm attracted to know that I have romantic interests about her? A little background follows. I've known this girl for a few months now, we've hung out and done things together, had great chats and whatnot. While I can't say that I'm in love with her, I certainly would like the opportunity to explore this possibility, very much so. I would definitely like to get to know her better. Now I'm going to throw a wrench into the works. Her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer back in March and has been through chemotherapy and is currently undergoing radiation therapy. So I guess in addition to my original question, is this a good time for bringing this up with her? It doesn't have to be all serious right now and I will not make excessive demands on her time as her priorities lie elsewhere at the moment, but I would like to get this out into the open for consideration. Sometimes I think I'm using this as an excuse to not say anything, while at the same time I think that it would be better not to bring it up until perhaps a later time. But a later time may be too late. This is really quite a dilemma for me as I'm sure most people can appreciate. I've already been through this with my "real life" friends. I just would like some more opinions on this. I would appreciate any sort of advice you all may have. Thanks.

10-11-2003, 06:42 AM	#2 (permalink)
Rubyee I'm baaaaack!	First of all, I would like to point out that most of the time, if you have a crush on a girl, and you are close as friends, the girl can usually tell. I hate all those shows where the friend has a crush on the other friend, only the other friend doesn't know it. No. Not true. It is usually pretty easy to tell when someone likes you. Or maybe it is just me. That being said, she may already know. That is why I always advise the not beating around the bush technique. Just be blunt and tell her the truth. Lets say that she does know you like her. Okay, if she likes you back, she will have to wait FOREVER for you to act on it, and it will get annoying. If she does not return the feelings, it will just be a long period of akwardness that might hurt the friendship. If she doesn't know, then chances are the answer would be the same whether you asked her tomorrow, or three months from now. If she feels no romantic connection for you, chances are that won't change. Now, when you throw the mother into the picture, that just really depends on how she is handling it. If she is mopey and depressed, then asking her may seem a bad time for her. It really just depends on how things are going for her. But I still go with being blunt and getting all your feelings out there. Girls don't like to be played games with the same as guys. Besides, you might as well know now- if she likes you, it saves you wasted time. If not, it saves you from getting your hopes up. __________________ You don't know from fun.

10-11-2003, 10:06 AM	#4 (permalink)
Rubyee I'm baaaaack!	No problem! I wish you luck and hope that all turns out well for you. __________________ You don't know from fun.

10-11-2003, 03:23 PM	#5 (permalink)
bermuDa don't ignore this--> Location: CA	i agree with rubyee that it's important how she's handling the situation with her mother. It's a bad time to ask someone out when they're depressed, not only cause they might say no but they might jump into the relationship to try and make them feel better, which creates a kind of codependancy that isn't healthy. I say be a friend to her in this trying time, and give her an oppurtunity to develop the same feelings for you. Don't wait too long though, in the tragic possibility that her mother dies, she probably will be depressed and you'll have a lot longer wait. __________________ I am the very model of a moderator gentleman.

10-14-2003, 05:16 AM	#9 (permalink)
Averett Is In Love Location: I'm workin' on it	Please tell her you like her!! My mom had a breast cancer 3 years ago (she's thankfully fine now) and I was so glad to have my boyfriend at the time to lean on for support. Talk to her. Tell her you're interested in her. I'm sure you've been supportive for her through her moms ordeal already, and as a boyfriend type that support can be so much more. I can understand that you are worried that at the moment she might not be in the best mindset to start a relationship, but don't wait. She may or may not know that you have feelings for her. A few months back a good friend of mine told me that he had a crush on me last year and I had no clue at all. Sometimes you just have to come out and tell the other person. We're not all mind readers Good luck, let us know how it goes. __________________ Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

10-11-2003, 09:31 AM	#3 (permalink)
kryoptic Upright Location: Toronto	Thanks for the great advice. Just being blunt and honest seems to be the advice that I'm getting from most people. Most. I guess I've been lulled into the mainstream media's idea of romance, for example the TLC program "A Wedding Story". shrung Also I do get the impression that she does have something for me, this is sort of an intuitive hunch though. You make a lot of good points and I think your advice is the turning point of my indecisiveness. Thanks.

10-11-2003, 06:25 PM	#6 (permalink)
kryoptic Upright Location: Toronto	She isn't depressed but she is the only person looking after her mom. I'll be careful.

10-12-2003, 08:23 AM	#7 (permalink)
yellowgowild Psycho Location: Tampa	When my mom was going through chemo I was 16 and all I wanted was some girl to be by my side while I struggled through the ordeal. Maybe she wants the same thing with you. The most important thing is to look for whatever signals she might be throwing your way.

10-12-2003, 03:01 PM	#8 (permalink)
skysooner Registered User Location: Oklahoma	You just need to be really, really understanding. Cancer hurts more than just the person who has it. My wife's mom lingered a year after she was diagnosed with Stage 4 ovarian cancer. It was basically impossible to be too supporting to my wife. It is also very easy to say the wrong thing as this is a very difficult time. The best thing you can do is just to listen to her when she needs to talk and to let her know you are always available to talk.

10-14-2003, 07:12 PM	#10 (permalink)
BentNotTwisted Optimistic Skeptic Location: Midway between a Beehive and Centennial	If you haven't told her yet, make sure you are clear that you don't want to put any pressure on her. She is surely stressed out about the cancer. Let her know how you fell and that you will be there for her if she needs you. Then let her decide if the time is right or if it's not meant to be. __________________ IS THAT IT ???!!! Do you even know what 'it' is? When the last man dies for just words that he said... We Shall Be Free

10-15-2003, 02:27 PM	#11 (permalink)
Rubyee I'm baaaaack!	SO?!?!?!?!?!?! Are you going to follow up with some details? __________________ You don't know from fun.

10-15-2003, 05:02 PM	#12 (permalink)
burntmonkey Tilted	Go for it, bud, there really never is a perfect scenario for this kind of thing. You have to be willing to accept and deal with the possibility that she might not recipricate your feelings. Tell her you are interested in her but keep developing your friendship with her.

10-18-2003, 09:56 PM	#13 (permalink)
omega2K4 Natalie Portman is sexy. Location: The Outer Rim	Chances are, she already knows how you feel. Women have some sort of goddamned "spidey" sense whenever you are around them. Anyways, tell her how you feel, don't be scared. If she's stayed this long around you, chances are she might feel the same way about you. __________________ "While the State exists there can be no freedom. When there is freedom there will be no State." - Vladimir Ilyich Lenin "Reason has always existed, but not always in a reasonable form."- Karl Marx

10-19-2003, 05:50 PM	#14 (permalink)
kryoptic Upright Location: Toronto	I'm going to go for it this Thursday. I held off last Thursday because she's got lots of stuff due this week. Also, that's a convenient excuse that makes me feel better for not doing so then. Anyways, I'll update then on how things went. Thanks for all of your help/encouragement. It's really great.

10-23-2003, 07:21 PM	#15 (permalink)
kryoptic Upright Location: Toronto	Update, for those who care. I told her that I have started to like her in a more than friends sort of way and asked her what she thought. She tells me that she likes hanging out with me, fun, etc. but she'd like to keep it that way. She gave some really good reasons and was pretty nice about it all. One reason, she lives too far and can't devote enough time to me. Now I was thinking, "I don't think I'd mind", but I didn't say it because my subconscious rational ego tells me I'm lying to myself. So that's a pretty good reason. Reason two, she has things that she needs to clear up, her life is still bungled up right now. Okay, that's a good reason too. I only hope that she wasn't lying to dull the edge of unrequited affection. Let's see, I had other stuff I wanted to say. What did I learn from this experience? My life is not over because of this. Don't give so much thought to any one person. I plan on still remaining friends though. I'm not sure how that will turn out but I really do value our friendship that I cannot just toss it because my feelings are not returned. Yes, I feel like shit right now, but time heals all wounds, right? Right??? I guess I hijacked my own thread. Oh well. Thanks for reading this.

10-23-2003, 07:38 PM	#16 (permalink)
twotimesadingo Psycho Location: that place with the thing	way to go, kryoptic! yeah, it feels bad now, but once you've gone ahead and declared your feelings for someone, it makes it a lot easier to do in the future. i'm sorry she wants to keep the friendship in a static state, but that certainly does not seem a bad thing; if she's a good friend, she'll continue to be a good friend, and having someone to chill with is never a bad thing. don't let her get all weird on you now, what with her knowing that you like her. you'll find that your feelings for her will probably change, given that (at this point) they're unreciprocated. she, however, may feel a bit awkward around you because she knows you have "more than friend" feelings. simply tell her that you still consider your intentions as though of a friend, you were merely interested in exploring a possibility. it should put her to ease, and allow you to continue developing your friendship. __________________ I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and all your demons. I'll be the one to protect you from a will to survive and voice of reason. I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and your choices, son. They're one and the same I must isolate you, isolate and save you from yourself." - A Perfect Circle

10-24-2003, 06:17 AM	#17 (permalink)
Averett Is In Love Location: I'm workin' on it	I'm glad you told her but I'm sorry she didn't feel the same way. It took courage __________________ Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

10-24-2003, 08:47 AM	#18 (permalink)
Mitzkrieg Insane	just read through this thread. nice of ya to come back with an update. got balls? YES! Kryoptic has bigguns! way to go man, you took a shot (something i might not have been able to pull off) and you're right, keep the friendship. if she sees that you're still stickin around after she turned you down for now, she'll come around and i bet you guys hook up later on down the road. GOOD LUCK!

10-24-2003, 09:04 AM	#19 (permalink)
mb99usa Keep on rolling. It only hurts for a little while. Location: wherever I am	Sorry the outcome was not what you hoped for. Look at it this way you still have a good friend who you are no longer hiding your feelings from and you are free to explore othe roptions if you want. __________________ So, what's your point? It's not an attitude, it's a way of life.

10-25-2003, 07:44 PM	#20 (permalink)
FroMan Upright	just be honest and your self. plain and simple. there are no hard and fast rules as to how to get a girl. just pay attention to the little things. they generally like that. simply walking up to her and having a conversation about your feelings towards her or even asking her out for a one on one date will giver her an indication on how you feel. You just have to get up the curage to talk to her... that is 90% of the challange!

10-25-2003, 07:56 PM	#21 (permalink)
Nimbletoe Junkie Location: Michigan	I just went through a very similar situation. Cept the girl was a friend of mine for a few years. I was sick of holding my feelings in, so one day I just told her. She doesn't feel the same, it sucks, and its been akward hanging out ever since (not REALLY akward, but our relationship is now definitley different). But MAN, am I glad I got that off my chest. It felt really good to share how I felt after the initial rejection :P __________________ Go Pistons!