Who has to leave the bedroom?

[bagatelle]

We have a married couple at work - in fact several, but that's not relevant to the story. They've been married for a few years, their ages are near to fifty on both sides.

The wife admitted, that she has to sleep in another room due to her husband snoring so loud. The husband is overweight, has knee problems and bad walking, he breathes heavily awake at work too. They both also have a lot of stress from work.

So the wife says, she has to sleep in another room.

Usually when either spouse of the couple snores, he/she is able to sleep, but the other one has to find ways to get their sleep. My husband has a slightly disturbing snore/heavy breathing at times too, especially when he has had some alcohol, which according to a doctor, relaxes the respiratory muscles and tends to increase snoring. I often have to use earplugs, which is uncomfortable and doesn't always muffle the noise. I don't sleep well on sofas or in other rooms.

In my opinion the snorer should move out of the bedroom, if he or she causes the problem, but mostly it's the other way round. Or is it? What are your experiences on this?

[Craven Morehead]

For fear of incrimination, I can't answer this.

I will say that due to some lower back issues, on most nights I sleep in a recliner. If I roll over and sleep on my stomach, my back will ache for the entire next day. And that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

[Plan9]

My current partner is a heavy breather / light snorer and back sleeper. Kinda like cuddling up to a drunken badger. I have to stuff pillows under her head or get her to roll on her side occasionally. I have no problem waking her up to tell her to fix herself when she's sawing away. I'm a very light sleeper and always sleep on my side. I'm not going anywhere, that's just ridiculous. If I was with someone who was a real chainsaw, we'd have separate bedrooms.

I highly recommend Breathe Right nasal strips. They seem to work well for those nights when no amount of pillows will work.

[Zeraph]

The snorer, snoree? Should have to be the one who sleeps on the reclining chair or couch. There are operations for that you know.

[jewels]

I'm not sure this a black-and-white thing.

My dad snores and he's moved to another room because the master bed was customized to accomodate my mom's back problems.

But I've had SO's who were heavy snorers and I would sleep elsewhere to get away from it. My guess would be that the non-snorers started that way (leaving the snorer as he/she was nearly impossible to move or awaken) and became used to sleeping in the secondary area.

I second the Breathe Right strips.

[uncle phil]

there are operations; i've had one - but, breathe-right strips work also if it's just nasal congestion...

[snowy]

I have a hard time sleeping without my husband, and he snores pretty heavily, so I just deal with it. Like 9er, I just shake his shoulder, and he knows in his sleep to move because he's snoring. He rolls himself around and stops snoring. Luckily, I'm a pretty heavy sleeper, so it's not a huge deal for me.

[bagatelle]

You know, I'm very light sleeper and many things disturb me. My husband is not loud, but even his heavy breathing bothers me, and also the rhythm of his breathing, which is somewhat irregular. This bothers me, because he tends to take pauses, and this means he will then take a loud and deep breath in a while. If I'm asleep, this will wake me up and I also begin to worry, if he has Sleep Apnea.

We're in our 40's, basic healthy. Hubby has gained a bit weight, not much, but he recently had health check up from work, and I urged him to ask the doctor about the snoring and how I thought, he might not breathe at times for a longer while.

The doctor was not worried at all seeing my husband's general health. He adviced him to avoid alcohol in the evening and contact them again, IF the wife starts to plan leaving the house... not only the bedroom.

Originally Posted by snowy

I have a hard time sleeping without my husband, and he snores pretty heavily, so I just deal with it. Like 9er, I just shake his shoulder, and he knows in his sleep to move because he's snoring. He rolls himself around and stops snoring. Luckily, I'm a pretty heavy sleeper, so it's not a huge deal for me.

Yes, my aunt says, that she's so used to uncle snoring - and he is loud - that it's hard for her to sleep, when he's elsewhere.

So, maybe this is more my problem.

[PonyPotato]

I can't sleep with a snorer without earplugs, and even then it tends to be hit-or-miss depending on how tired I am.

Dating someone who snores heavily? Unless I fall asleep first and don't get woken by him getting into bed, I'm usually the one leaving. I get irritated to the point of RAGE by being prevented from sleeping by a noise like snoring, especially if the person is a heavy sleeper who won't respond to me poking, pushing, rolling, or KICKING him to try to get a position adjustment for the snoring.

Usually I just leave the bed shortly after snoring starts, sleep somewhere quieter, and return in the morning. I really shouldn't date snorers, though.. I get incredibly bitchy without adequate sleep, and highly resentful of the reason for me being unable to sleep.

[ASU2003]

I couldn't deal with snoring either. And I can't wake up to an alarm clock if I'm wearing earplugs.

[TheCrimsonGhost]

Yeah, I dunno, After reading OP I am feeling bad. I snore and my girl leaves the bed after I fall asleep usually, unless she falls asleep first, but that's just the way things have always been. She likes to lye in bed with me and fall asleep, but if I fall asleep first and she can't stop me from snoring long enough by nudging me, she has been known to sleep in the spare bedroom. So, yeah, I would totally voluntarily sleep in the other room, but she always seems to want to go to bed together and it's never come up as a problem, though maybe it is a problem and I'm just a man, who knows.

[Charlatan]

I am a deep sleeper... no problems when my wife snores (she is also a very light snorer).

Regarding the OP... the snorer should have to leave.

[amonkie]

I am deaf and can pretty much sleep through anything.

One question I do have though.. for those of you who are either the light sleeper OR the snorer, did you enter the relationship with this as an existing condition, or did it develop after you were together?

I ask this because of the replies from people saying they couldn't be with someone who snores. If this was something that developed after you'd already been together for a while, would you still consider it a deal breaker?

[bagatelle]

I do poke and push my husband in order to make him turn. I try to do this so that I wouldn't wake him up, because he's not always getting enough sleep either and I don't want him grumpier due to lack of sleep. Yet gentle pushing does not seem to work and I end up waiting in vain for him to start breathing more silently.

It's even more difficult, when I work, it's always in the evenings and he has a day job, so he's ready to go to sleep earlier than I am. He's disturbed by me getting to bed later and there's a chance I wake up to his alarm in the morning, when I could still continue sleeping - this was solved by him sleeping in the trailer in the summer, but otherwise it's not tempting to permanently sleep in different rooms.

My husband didn't always snore, but him gaining a bit weight and often drinking a beer late in the evening must have influence. He says that I also snore at times, which must be true, but he wouldn't dare to push me, since he knows how hard it often is for me to get back to sleep.

It's interesting though that many couples of our grandparents' generation didn't have doublebeds. They mostly slept in separate rooms too.

Would it be considered too alienating for the relationship to plan the living conditions from the start so that both had their own bedrooms? Sleep is important and sleeping is done alone.

[ItWasMe]

bagatelle, try plucking a hair out of the top of his head every time he snores. when he suddenly awakes, snorting 'who? what? huh?" ... feign sleep. when he goes back to sleep and snores again, pluck again/feign sleep again. Repeat process until he stops.

[MSD]

Originally Posted by bagatelle

You know, I'm very light sleeper and many things disturb me. My husband is not loud, but even his heavy breathing bothers me, and also the rhythm of his breathing, which is somewhat irregular. This bothers me, because he tends to take pauses, and this means he will then take a loud and deep breath in a while. If I'm asleep, this will wake me up and I also begin to worry, if he has Sleep Apnea.

That sounds a whole lot like sleep apnea. He really should talk to his doctor about that.

[Grasshopper Green]

My husband snores. Sometimes it doesn't bother me, sometimes it does. On the rare occasion that we really need separation for me to get rest, I leave because he gets up much earlier than me and he needs his sleep. It seems he snores no matter his position, so prodding him only makes it stop until he's back asleep. I suppose it could be worse; I twitch in my sleep and hubby has told me I frequently kick him at night.

I don't remember him snoring when we first met, it seems like it's just gotten worse as we've gotten older. He weighs a little more than we first met. Alcohol makes it worse, but he rarely drinks anything other than an occasional beer.

I actually sleep better when I'm alone. I remember my great-grandparents had separate bedrooms and I always thought that was strange when we would visit them. Now I know why!

[jadangel]

My bf snores occasionally, but it usually doesn't bother me....I would rather have him in the bed with me than not.....we are big cuddlers and if he weren't in the bed I wouldn't sleep as well.....I guess his snoring is comforting to me.....

[PonyPotato]

Originally Posted by amonkie

I am deaf and can pretty much sleep through anything.

One question I do have though.. for those of you who are either the light sleeper OR the snorer, did you enter the relationship with this as an existing condition, or did it develop after you were together?

I ask this because of the replies from people saying they couldn't be with someone who snores. If this was something that developed after you'd already been together for a while, would you still consider it a deal breaker?

I have entered relationships with people who snore, and they tend not to last very long if the issue is a severe one (see my last relationship for evidence). The problem with snoring is that I can like someone very much and be able to deal with it (via sleeping on the couch or using earplugs) if we're casually dating, but live together? I'd probably go crazy. So if I find out that someone snores pretty early in the relationship, I actually have to think about whether I want to pursue the relationship further - it really is a question of sanity for me.

As for a problem developing when already in a relationship.. depends on how long the relationship has lasted already, how long it is expected to last, how severe the problem/my reaction actually is, and whether he wants to solve the problem - this could mean seeing a doctor, wearing nasal strips, or even moving into a new apartment/home so we could have separate bedrooms (even though that would be unsatisfying on an emotional closeness level for me, it would keep me sane).

[Cimarron29414]

As for who should leave, it should be the snorer. However, they are sleeping and it seems rude to wake them and ask them to move to another bed. So, it seems the awake person ought to leave. Shrug, it's a tough situation.

[purplelirpa]

For me, once I get to sleep I'll stay asleep. So the issue becomes one of getting a partner to quit snoring long enough for me to fall asleep. Usually, I'll nudge them enough to wake them up and then the snoring stops until they start falling back asleep. So I keep nudging until I fall asleep.

It seems to me that most people will snore at one point or another. My current boyfriend only snores when he's congested, but I've dated a guy with sleep apnea, and so he snored fairly consistently.

[mixedmedia]

My father has sleep apnea and it is very serious. He sleeps in a separate bedroom from my stepmother and uses a CPAP machine to aid his breathing. All very noisy.

As for the OP, I have lived with men who snore and I don't mind getting up and sleeping somewhere else when it bothers me. I mean, they can't help that they snore. And those breathe right strips don't always work. So whenever I have found myself lying there listening to someone snore without being able to fall back to sleep, I move to the couch or somewhere else in the house. No biggie.

As a note, my second husband used to get mad at me when I'd move to the couch. As if it were my duty to lie there staring at the ceiling listening to what sounded like him hacking up hairballs in his sleep. But he was an asshole, so...whatever.

[Starkizzer]

I guess technically, I am the one to leave the bedroom, as I am the one with insomnia and will wait till the early hours of morning before heading to bed. I have always been a night owl and it takes me forever to fall asleep. I have had friends tell me that my insomnia may be getting worse because I know I will not be able to sleep well because im2smrt4u snores, has sleep apnea and uses a C-PAP. The machine is supposed to help with his breathing and snoring. In his sleep study he stopped breathing over 60 times in an hour, so the machine is set to one of the highest settings. I thought this would mean I would actually be able to sleep with him again. No such luck. The air flow is so strong that it blows into his nose and the excess blows out his mouth, causing him to make a whooshing-whistling noise. ugh!

He snored lightly when we first got together, when we took naps it used to help lull me to sleep. I loved sleeping with him. Over the years it has gotten worse and worse to the point that I forced him into a sleep study since I was lying awake listing to him not breath. Scary! It is most definitely not a deal breaker, I love him and his sleep patterns are not his fault.

Good news! After years of relentless congestion they agreed to do a CT scan on his nasal cavity. They found he has a deviated septum. On top of this he has enlarged turbinates and his tonsils have been swollen to the size of walnuts for years now. After exhausting all other alternatives they have agreed to do surgery to fix all of this. Yay! I may actually be able to sleep and cuddle with my husband again. Wooo!

I think just simply due to my nature, I would be the one to sleep in a different room so long as it had just as nice of a bed and I could have my blankets and copious pillows. I am pretty easy going and would do anything I could to make my partner comfortable. I hope this up coming surgery will mean I will never have to make that decision though.

[zenda]

Originally Posted by bagatelle

You know, I'm very light sleeper and many things disturb me. My husband is not loud, but even his heavy breathing bothers me, and also the rhythm of his breathing, which is somewhat irregular. This bothers me, because he tends to take pauses, and this means he will then take a loud and deep breath in a while. If I'm asleep, this will wake me up and I also begin to worry, if he has Sleep Apnea.

We're in our 40's, basic healthy. Hubby has gained a bit weight, not much, but he recently had health check up from work, and I urged him to ask the doctor about the snoring and how I thought, he might not breathe at times for a longer while.

The doctor was not worried at all seeing my husband's general health. He adviced him to avoid alcohol in the evening and contact them again, IF the wife starts to plan leaving the house... not only the bedroom.

Originally Posted by MSD

That sounds a whole lot like sleep apnea. He really should talk to his doctor about that.

Agreed. The doctor's lack of worry means your husband's effectiveness is not being significantly compromised, but the fact, and possibly some elements of debilitation are there. Have a read-up, and you'll see a set of other problems which are linked to non-treatment.

I was recently diagnosed with constrictive Apnea and now use a CPAP machine. It has gone a long way to sorting a tiredness/breathing problem which had messed me up since my teens, but which had remained below the radar of medial [triage/budget] concern for so many years.


This is the machine I am using
ResMed - S8 Escape? II

Here's the general mask page.
ResMed - Masks

Here are the ones they had to offer at the hospital.
ResMed - Hospital Full Face

I'd started with the full face mask and felt like a cross between WW1 gas attack and Bondage session.

So I went on to the nose only mask
ResMed - Hospital Nasal

Another poster mentioned it creates its own kind of noise. That makes sense ... with nose only mask, my party trick is that I can play infinite recorder or Irish whistle. I happen to have a naturally tightly shut mouth when I sleep, so there is, as far as I know, no outrush-overflow whistle. The full face mask DID 'contain' the process to guarentee less noise.

Because the air is pumped through a long hose, it is possible to wrap t-shirts and cloth around my head - my air supply is sealed - and that can mop up any residue of noise.

Apnea is, IMO, a must-treat syndrome.
For general snoring, I have no hesitation in recommending one of the machines, if you can get it off-prescription. And noise can be muffled.

I'm not living with a partner at the moment, but my cards on the table read like this: If I'm screwing up her sleep with my snoring, then heavens to betsy I'll move heaven and earth to sort MY problem.