rahl

My wife and I were recently married 3 weeks ago. Since then she has started her new RN job. She works nights now. We are on totally different schedules now. She works from 11:00pm till 7:00am. I typically work from home a few days a week and may be on the rode a day or two. Point is we only see eachother for a few hours a day now, since she usually sleeps from about 9:00am till around 7:00pm. I'm worried we may get used to not seeing eachother very often and drift apart.


Anyone else have different schedules? If so how have you handled it?

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Plan9

It happens. Law enforcement and medical professionals have a hard time keeping marriages tight due to their schedules.

It makes everything weird... especially meals. She's getting up at 1900 and is eating a bowl of frosted flakes while you're eating meatloaf.

My best suggestion would be forecast (as far out as you can) times that you can have together either during the week or the weekend.

And, for fuck's sake, make time for sex. A good schedule and plenty of snarlin' will keep things going smooth.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Punk.of.Ages

Until recently, Jen and I really only saw each other when we woke up in the morning and for like 2-3 hours out of the day on weekdays.

Just make the most of the time you can set aside, and make sure you set aside at least one night a week for just the two of you. Go on weekly dates or something. Just get some alone time. It helps a lot.

Oh, and Cromp said it. Take every opportunity you get to have sex.

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levite

Another +1 for what Cromp said. He's a smart man.

I know what you're going through, and I feel for you. After college, I lived with my girl at the time for several years, and at one point, she was managing a coffeehouse in the neighboring town, and I was waiting tables and tending bar at a cafe/club near where we lived: her shifts were all opening, mine were all closing. We saw each other for maybe an hour or so in the afternoon, after I just got up, and when she just got home. Neither of us were at our best, and it always seemed like we never had time for just us.

You have got to work to make time. Not just for sex, although for God's sake do that. But chunks of time to just be together. Try hard to ensure that you both have at least one day off together. It may take some arranging, some wrangling of managers, juggling of meetings, etc. But trust me, it is a lifesaver.

Also, take extra measures to please one another. So if you know, for example, that she gets pissed because you don't take out the trash until it's overflowing, make an effort to take out the trash more, before she asks you. Likewise, if she irritates you by consistently finishing the last of the ice cream, it behooves her to get some extra, and make sure you have your treat waiting when you get home. Stuff like that, though it seems small, can really create a lot of emotional flexibility in a relationship. It signifies to each other that even though time is short, you are still thinking of the other, and still care about the other's happiness.

Also, be sure in what small time you have together, talk. Keep communication open. And be sure you listen to her: however unhappy you are with the situation, she is just as unhappy, and will feel better if she feels listened to. Acknowledge to her that you find this hard: that will mean something to her. Remind each other that you love one another.

Good luck, man. Keep it going. It's a hard situation, but it can and will get better.

__________________
Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

rahl

Thanks fellas, I'll do my best.

__________________
"Your life is Yours alone...Rise up and live it"

spindles

Get your diaries (or equivalent) out each week and book time to spend together. Turn down other appointments that clash with your 'marriage' time... Unfortunately, time spent together is so easily lost and it won't happen without a little effort.

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who hid my keyboard's PANIC button?

Daniel_

I worked shifts, and didn't do these things.

It was a bad time for my relationship.

Wish I'd had the internet then to ask questions like this.

Good advice.

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╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
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lostgirl

Cromp and levite have given excellent advice.

Leave her little notes and things when you aren't around. I always found that to be a sweet reminder of what we have.

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We always arise from our own ashes. Everything returns later in its changed form. - Children of Dune

DeeBee

For the first few years of our marriage we were like ships in the night - my wife would sleep over at work at least twice a week. We would do stuff at the oddest times - midnight movie shows, we would sometimes meet each other from work. It actually felt like dating again - we always tried to make something of our common time.

Now my wife works part time and we have children we are having to do the same thing! We need to find specific time just for us.

I agree with the comments about doing something special for your partner too - it can be simple stuff - a drink in bed when her alarm goes off - a surprise breakfast - flowers - if you shop, sometimes pick up something out of the ordinary (we like deserts/sweets as treats).

Never forget that marriage is a partnership - you must pull your weight and always put the other person first (perhaps it's another thread, but putting the other person first is, in many ways, a selfish thing to do, but it really works. If you want the best for them and put their needs ahead of yours you will find that this is reflected back.)

You are going to married for a lot longer than you have the jobs you have now, so you must make it work in the current scenario.

Good luck

DB