Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post

levite · 10-08-2009, 09:43 PM

Another +1 for what Cromp said. He's a smart man.

I know what you're going through, and I feel for you. After college, I lived with my girl at the time for several years, and at one point, she was managing a coffeehouse in the neighboring town, and I was waiting tables and tending bar at a cafe/club near where we lived: her shifts were all opening, mine were all closing. We saw each other for maybe an hour or so in the afternoon, after I just got up, and when she just got home. Neither of us were at our best, and it always seemed like we never had time for just us.

You have got to work to make time. Not just for sex, although for God's sake do that. But chunks of time to just be together. Try hard to ensure that you both have at least one day off together. It may take some arranging, some wrangling of managers, juggling of meetings, etc. But trust me, it is a lifesaver.

Also, take extra measures to please one another. So if you know, for example, that she gets pissed because you don't take out the trash until it's overflowing, make an effort to take out the trash more, before she asks you. Likewise, if she irritates you by consistently finishing the last of the ice cream, it behooves her to get some extra, and make sure you have your treat waiting when you get home. Stuff like that, though it seems small, can really create a lot of emotional flexibility in a relationship. It signifies to each other that even though time is short, you are still thinking of the other, and still care about the other's happiness.

Also, be sure in what small time you have together, talk. Keep communication open. And be sure you listen to her: however unhappy you are with the situation, she is just as unhappy, and will feel better if she feels listened to. Acknowledge to her that you find this hard: that will mean something to her. Remind each other that you love one another.

Good luck, man. Keep it going. It's a hard situation, but it can and will get better.

10-08-2009, 09:43 PM	#4 (permalink)
levite Minion of Joss Location: The Windy City	Another +1 for what Cromp said. He's a smart man. I know what you're going through, and I feel for you. After college, I lived with my girl at the time for several years, and at one point, she was managing a coffeehouse in the neighboring town, and I was waiting tables and tending bar at a cafe/club near where we lived: her shifts were all opening, mine were all closing. We saw each other for maybe an hour or so in the afternoon, after I just got up, and when she just got home. Neither of us were at our best, and it always seemed like we never had time for just us. You have got to work to make time. Not just for sex, although for God's sake do that. But chunks of time to just be together. Try hard to ensure that you both have at least one day off together. It may take some arranging, some wrangling of managers, juggling of meetings, etc. But trust me, it is a lifesaver. Also, take extra measures to please one another. So if you know, for example, that she gets pissed because you don't take out the trash until it's overflowing, make an effort to take out the trash more, before she asks you. Likewise, if she irritates you by consistently finishing the last of the ice cream, it behooves her to get some extra, and make sure you have your treat waiting when you get home. Stuff like that, though it seems small, can really create a lot of emotional flexibility in a relationship. It signifies to each other that even though time is short, you are still thinking of the other, and still care about the other's happiness. Also, be sure in what small time you have together, talk. Keep communication open. And be sure you listen to her: however unhappy you are with the situation, she is just as unhappy, and will feel better if she feels listened to. Acknowledge to her that you find this hard: that will mean something to her. Remind each other that you love one another. Good luck, man. Keep it going. It's a hard situation, but it can and will get better. __________________ Dull sublunary lovers love, Whose soul is sense, cannot admit Absence, because it doth remove That thing which elemented it. (From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)