Meeting up with an ex my long-term girlfriend doesn't like. Advice?

[begavet]

Hey guys,

me and my current girlfriend have been together for almost 3 years and we have a baby. Recently about 2 weeks ago me and my ex started to keep in touch again by emails, you know the usual how are you?what are you doing this weekend? thing. We have been talking about maybe meeting up and catching up a few months from now since she lives 2 states away from me. I really would like to go and visit her and catch up, just for the simple fact that in this life its important to have friends because you never know when you will need them. plus on top of that she is doing the same career that im going to start soon and maybe in the future she can reference me for a job. Can anybody suggest a way that I could go and see her, and not hurt my girlfriend? Im not trying to sound like a dick but since my girlfriend isn't a big fan of her, the last thing i want to do is tell her im going to see her cause ill be afraid that everything will go downhill and my girlfriend and me have a good relationship.

[Punk.of.Ages]

You need to be honest with her or your good relationship will seize to exist. Dishonesty is about the easiest way to ruin a relationship...

You should tell your girlfriend and discuss this idea with her. The only reason to hide this from her is if you have something to hide.

Why doesn't she like your ex?

[begavet]

well my ex is 7 years older than me, but the main reason is because when i got together will my girlfriend, my ex wanted me back. so she would say that she still loved me and missed me and so forth.

[Punk.of.Ages]

Well, if it's something you can't tell your girlfriend about, it's probably something you shouldn't do...

[squeeeb]

dude. listen to punk. tell your girlfriend, and if she nixes the idea, then it's not a good thing to see the ex. you gotta let some shit go in this life. yeah, its nice to have friends, but you can't hold on to everyone you know. don't fuck up what you actually have for something you think you might have but don't.

[Redjake]

this is a bad idea. don't even think about doing it. I don't even trust you or your intentions and I don't know the first thing about you! it just smells bad from a hundred yards and it's going to make your girlfriend really angry, even if she says she is fine with it.

[ASU2003]

Would you want your girlfriend to go off to visit some ex-boyfriend 2 states over (and spend the night away)?

If your current girlfriend goes with you is the only way I could see it working. Your current girlfriend might have trouble trusting you, even though you probably won't cheat on her. I assume this ex is a girl you have slept with before, and if she came on to you,your gf probably thinks you wouldn't turn it down. I don't think you would turn it down either, and I don't know you. I know I wouldn't turn it down.

Don't create unnecessary drama.

[genuinegirly]

A mess waiting to happen.

[Plan9]

If you came here and posted, it means you know it's wrong.

...

Hmm, and I'd imagine the Wile E. Coyote thought bubble that says, "LIE TO HER AND GO VISIT EXGF." has cropped up.

Ignore that sucka. You've got a GF and a screaming young'n to deal with and you don't need to fall into another vagina and start up the baby-mama drama.

Don't do it. Seriously.

[wooÐs]

Yah I feel anger.

[Punk.of.Ages]

Originally Posted by Crompsin

If you came here and posted, it means you know it's wrong.

This is why I use words like shouldn't. Chances are you're going to try and do this anyhow.

If I were to guess just from reading your original post, I'd say you're feeling pretty bored and trapped in your relationship and the idea of reigniting an old fling, even if just for a couple nights, is quite appealing to you. I mean, your excuse is she could provide you connections to people a few states away...

Just remember, the grass may look greener on that side of the fence now that you're not the one mowing it, but for one reason or another that grass died on you once.

Of course, I'm just speculating here, and who the fuck am I anyway?

[squeeeb]

we'll all tell him not to, he'll do it.

pete townsend said it best:

but you've been told many times before messiah's point you to the door though no one's got the guts to leave the temple.

[dlish]

you guys need to think outside the square a little..

if its just to say hey, and its for networking purposes, i dont see a reason why you cant take your current girlfriend with you.

if you dont want to take her with you, then you have other motives that you do/dont want to carry out i believe....

[jewels]

Originally Posted by dlish

you guys need to think outside the square a little..

if its just to say hey, and its for networking purposes, i dont see a reason why you cant take your current girlfriend with you.

if you dont want to take her with you, then you have other motives that you do/dont want to carry out i believe....

Ding ding ding! Your girlfriend would want to meet someone that's had such a huge impact on your life. And, of course, you want her to feel comfortable with the situation.

Good work, dlish!

[ratbastid]

Originally Posted by begavet

my girlfriend and me have a good relationship.

Lies and sneaking != good relationship. Sorry. At least it's not her fault.

[Tully Mars]

Listen to our own head. What's it telling you?

That's what I thought.

[Shell]

...it's rare that a man and a woman can truly be "friends" when there has been sexual attraction shared between them...if not impossible. Be honest with yourself. You're flattered that she still wants you. You're rationalizing that this is a "business" trip so as to vindicate yourself. The "sneaky bit" is turning you on. And "the grass is always greener on the other side" has duped you.

...this is father's day...you have a baby. Think about it. There is a price to pay.

`

[Punk.of.Ages]

Originally Posted by dlish

you guys need to think outside the square a little..

if its just to say hey, and its for networking purposes, i dont see a reason why you cant take your current girlfriend with you.

if you dont want to take her with you, then you have other motives that you do/dont want to carry out i believe....

I agree. If you have good intentions, it shouldn't be hard to be honest with her and work it out.

I just don't think those good intentions are there...

Originally Posted by Shell

...this is father's day...you have a baby. Think about it. There is a price to pay.

`

...and out with the Father's Day card!

Well played...

[little_tippler]

I have been in the 'let's go hang out with my ex, she's really nice' situation. I did it. My ex and his ex ended up cheating on me later on in the relationship. Boy did I feel stupid. Never again.

It's ok if you run in to an ex and do small talk. But to go purposely to meet an ex, fuck that. I'm in the 'you can't be close friends with an ex...it's a mess waiting to happen' camp. Not to say there can't be exceptions...but if I were the girlfriend I'd be unhappy about it. Especially because she was still hankering after you when you'd broken up.

I find it's also relevant in terms of what they meant to you and how long you were together for. It's easy to be friends with someone you were only with for a short while. Longer relationships...it should be more of an acquaintance type thing.

[spindles]

I have an ex girlfriend that lives around the corner.

We keep in contact and have interacted socially, but I'd never do it without letting my wife know.

She is married with kids and so am I. I'm also not that attracted to her anymore, so maybe my situation is nothing like yours.

[Plan9]

Okay, somebody tell me how often it happens that your current girlfriend and exgirlfriend get along enough to hang out and gab.

I don't believe it.

...

Well, except for my exwife. I think she tried to hang out with my previous girlfriend one time when she got real mad at me.

Yeaaah, I was kinda hoping for some hot-hot Ratbastid action, but sadly I'm a Crompsin... so all I got was a divorce.

[Punk.of.Ages]

Originally Posted by Crompsin

Okay, somebody tell me how often it happens that your current girlfriend and exgirlfriend get along enough to hang out and gab.

I don't believe it.

I have one ex that I'm really good friends with still. Every girl I've been any kind of serious with in the last four years has met her and been okay with it.

Of course, on second thought, I haven't had a relationship that lasted more than six months in that time...

Perhaps this is a factor?

[Plan9]

Originally Posted by Punk.of.Ages

Perhaps this is a factor?

Cha-ching.

It's nearly impossible to have multiple "I've seen your O-face" girls in the same room when you're a mere mortal.

Hell, each of my former girlfriends are in different states. They need wide open spaces apart.

I find it interesting that previous genital contact often destroys one's ability to act like a rational adult.

[little_tippler]

I have a girlfriend who is able to do this with her ex-boyfriends. I have no idea how she does it. One time we were at a party and the last 3 of her exes were all in the same room, talking to her and other friends. Was a weird sight. I so could not do it.

[Xazy]

The fact that you are posting it here, shows you are sneaking on your current girlfriend and shows how it will harm your relationship.

[Redlemon]

Originally Posted by little_tippler

I have a girlfriend who is able to do this with her ex-boyfriends. I have no idea how she does it. One time we were at a party and the last 3 of her exes were all in the same room, talking to her and other friends. Was a weird sight. I so could not do it.

A female friend of mine from college had two ex-boyfriends in her wedding party.

[Cynthetiq]

find different people to recommend for your career networking.... start that process now, so that when you are able to enter the field you have an established relationship.

Once that is settled, now why do you want to see her?

[Plan9]

Originally Posted by Redlemon

A female friend of mine from college had two ex-boyfriends in her wedding party.

Wow, that's totally tacky.

[Redlemon]

Originally Posted by Crompsin

Wow, that's totally tacky.

You'd think, but actually she's just that good at keeping friends.

[ShaniFaye]

Some people are just better at it than others, at my wedding there were 5 people there that I'd had relations/relationships with, no problem for me, and the fuck buddy I had just before I met Dave was in my wedding party (we had actually stopped right before I met Dave because he started seriously dating my best friend). I have never had an issue remaining platonic friends with anyone I've "dated"

in the case of the OP though, if you cant take your g/f with you (or at least give her the option) you need to forget it.

[Halanna]

Originally Posted by begavet

Recently about 2 weeks ago me and my ex started to keep in touch again by emails, you know the usual how are you?what are you doing this weekend? thing. We have been talking about maybe meeting up and catching up a few months from now since she lives 2 states away from me.

Does your girlfriend know you are communicating with your Ex by email? Does your Ex know you have a life and a child with your Current? I would think with emails you have been catching up enough.

Originally Posted by begavet

I really would like to go and visit her and catch up, just for the simple fact that in this life its important to have friends because you never know when you will need them. plus on top of that she is doing the same career that im going to start soon and maybe in the future she can reference me for a job.

Again, I think you have done enough "catching up" through email. You have forfeited putting yourself and your friends first when you had a child. Now that child must be at the forefront of your mind.

Originally Posted by begavet

Can anybody suggest a way that I could go and see her, and not hurt my girlfriend?

There is no way. This is not a gray area. You will be showing your Current that your friendship with Ex is more important than her or your child. I can't really put it delicately, you can't have your Ex and your girlfriend too (think have your cake and eat it too).

Originally Posted by begavet

Im not trying to sound like a dick but since my girlfriend isn't a big fan of her, the last thing i want to do is tell her im going to see her cause ill be afraid that everything will go downhill and my girlfriend and me have a good relationship.

Your fears are well grounded. You are feeling irrational about your friendship with your Ex and not giving your Current the respect, not including YOUR child, they deserve.

You can not split yourself in two and run down both sides of the street. Choose a side, and stay there. Beware if you choose the wrong side, there will be heartbreaking consequences . For one, two or all three? Your Ex won't get hurt, but what you are doing can blow up your life, your Current's life and your child's life.

[lostgirl]

Well said Halanna, I agree 100%.