f6twister

A coworker of mine recently attempted suicide. Fortunately, someone found him and was able to get them to the hospital in time to save him. From what I've been told, he would have died without medical intervention.

I've learned that once my coworker has received some counseling, he is preparing to return to work. I work in a small office and often work one on one with various employees so the chances that we will be alone for a while is 100%. I've worked one on one with the person before and while I've never hung out with him outside of work, I've gotten to know him quite well from our conversations at work.

I'm not sure what to say to him. I've never spoken to someone after a suicide attempt. Is it acceptable to ask why he attempted suicide? To be angry that he didn't ask for help when he knew that I had resources that could have helped? I want to talk with him and try and understand why he attempted suicide but I don't want to make him feel as though I am not behind his recovery.

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Halx

I'd just leave yourself out of his troubles and do your best to be a positive presence at work. Don't make work one of the reasons why he wants to end his life. If you want to be closer outside of work, offer to hang out. When you're off the clock, maybe then you can be a bit more personal.

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Xerxys

Ditto what halx said, stay outta his troubles. I know you said you knew him pretty well but the thing is, you don't, office environment should be left professional. Just be positive in everything you possibly can.

skizziks

i had a "friend" who commit suicide. i saw him every day at the gym and other places, we talked a bit, said hi, nothing too deep, we were not really close, hence the quotes on the word freind. should i have talked to him more? when i saw him eating alone, should i have asked to join him? should he have asked me for help? thing is, you just dont know what someone is dealing with even if you see them everyday and think you know them. so dont think you somehow missed the signs and are somehow responsible.

dont be angry, dont think you should have done something, and like halx and xerxys said, dont bring it up at work. if you want to help, ask him out for a drink, if he agrees, let him know you will listen if he wants to talk and leave it up to him to ask for help.

anti fishstick

no offense, but if someone wants to commit suicide, they probably wouldn't want to be asking for any help, esp. if they plan on really taking their life and not just some "cry for help" attempt. i would just try to be friendly or reach out to him, and people in general more. don't talk about it, just be a positive force.. you can't do anything for him, but you CAN be compassionate.

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skizziks

i agree mostly with what you said. i do think, however, many people who are really really considering suicide, if given a chance, will at least hint at the fact that there is a problem. many people want help, but don't know how to ask, or are embarrassed, or whatever, and if given a chance, wont say "im gonna kill myself" but might mention something is wrong and might need someone to talk with.

Anormalguy

Make a sincere offer to speak outside of the office if he wants, but don't push it.

You'd be amazed at how adept some suicidal people are at hiding their problems.

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Prince

Don't ask him about it. If he wants to tell you about it, he'll approach you. Not to be rude or anything, but if you two aren't really good friends or anything, then his suicide attempt isn't really your business.

Is it necessary to understand his reasons for wanting to end his life? While you have the right to feel whatever you feel, I'm not sure being angry at him for not seeking help (even with resources available) is productive or even fair. A suicide or a suicide attempt isn't always a call for help. It isn't always a "last resort." Seeking help can be difficult, and not everyone who is suicidal even wants to be helped.

Contrary to what others have suggested... I wouldn't go out of my way to put on a happy face and a positive vibe... It's kind of hard to ignore that huge pink elephant standing in the office, but at the same time, if you're suicidal, then you're probably not feeling too good about life or about yourself, and seeing a lot of happy smiley people around may make things worse rather than better.

And if you haven't asked him to hang out with you outside of work before, then now may not be the perfect time to start...not right away, anyway. He may just think you're doing it out of pity.

Kind of an awkward situation. Good luck.

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LoganSnake

Act as if nothing happened. If he wants to talk to you about it, he will.

The most you can say is "If you need anything, let me know."

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SabrinaFair

A few months ago, my good friend's boyfriend made a suicide attempt. While he backed out of it at the last minute, it was legitimate enough to warrant a psychiatric hospital admission. I found myself very very angry at him. My good friend, a brilliant, amazing woman, had just donated a kidney to him a few months before. Moreover, I saw her devastation--I was the one who sat with her in the hospital waiting room. In the moments after, she swore she would leave him, but ended up taking him back. So now I have to see this guy on a semi-regular basis....and just be OK with it. It sucks.

I relate this story not threadjack, but to let you know that I know how hard it is to smile and pretend everything is OK. It's normal to have strong feelings; anger is a VERY normal reaction. However, like everyone else has said, I don't think its your place to confront him about this stuff on the job. If you want to befriend him outside of work, then the reasons behind his attempt may eventually come out.

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Acetylene

Genuinely suicidal people commit suicide because they believe that nothing can ever get better: that life is fundamentally unbearable for whatever reason, that it CANNOT be improved, and that no could help them because there is nothing to be done. They maube think it's everyone else's fault for creating an unbearable world, or they may think it's their own fault for being too broken to fit in it.

Hence, people who seem fine get found dead in the basement, and their family and friends wonder why they never asked for help. These people probably didn't want to bother anyone with their "unsolvable" problems, either because their family and friends were part of the problem, or because they were too ashamed of their inability to cope with situations that "normal" people seem to enjoy.

Don't get mad at him or you will make him feel worse. Don't act fake happy or you will shame him. Be professional, but also be kind: give him extra time to complete assignments, and create failsafes to prevent mistakes from slipping through. This is both because he will probably make a lot or errors while recovering and because if others find out about his mistakes and scold or discipline him, it may worsen his feelings of despair and worthlessness.

Basically, set him up to succeed at work, and give him reasons to feel competent, useful, and worthwhile. This is the best thing you can do for him, as a co-worker. People who feel useful are much less likely to commit suicide (again).

Edit:
Forgot this part.

DON'T ask him why he did it, or try to "understand". You will NOT understand, unless you are depressed yourself and have considered suicide at some point and rememebr what it felt like - and if that's the case, then you don't need to ask because you already know.

If you do ask, and he does answer (which is unlikely), you will be shocked at how minor his reasons seem to you. You will say something like, "Why didn't you just do x?" or "What's so hard about x?" or "I could have fixed that, why didn't you just ask?" and make it a hundred times worse for showing him, once again, how pathetic he is.

Sample answers (from my own experiences or that of my friends):
"Nothing I do matters. My life is meaningless and worthless so I might as well die."
"I am unlovable and no one will ever want me. I will be alone forever and I can't bear that."
"I mess up everything. People would be better off without me."
"Nothing is wrong. Everything is fine. I don't know why I hurt so much but I do and I couldn't bear it another minute."

You aren't going to learn anything that you want to know, so please don't make him re-live it to satisfy your own curiosity.

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f6twister

Yeah, that's why I'm asking. This is a situation I hope I'm never in again.

Being angry at him may not be fair or productive but still remains how I feel. I'm sure my anger mostly stems from my inability to understand how suicide becomes an option. Its just one of those things that is hard to understand if you haven't been in that situation personally.

I already am. His personality at work didn't change at all. No one in our company much less our office had any idea that he was considering or capable of a suicide attempt. I've heard that his family wasn't aware either.

This is hard to explain but in the type of job that this guy and I do, its almost impossible for the office environment to remain strictly professional. You work one on one with the same person on a regular basis and often have extensive downtime while waiting on others to complete their portion of a job. Absence any other minor tasks which need handling, all that is left is to stare out the window or talk to your coworker. After a couple of years, your stories inevitably become more in-depth and personal.

You say that I didn't know him well but I'm not sure why you believe that. Is there an assumption that if I truly knew him well that I would have seen his suicide attempt coming?

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A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day. Calvin

Acetylene

Most people who know and care for someone who attempts suicide are angry about it. Depending on how close you were, you may feel anything from disgust that someone would take the "easy way out" or you may feel betrayed that they were so selfish as to
harm themselves without thinking about how that would make you feel. This is especially bad for children and spouses of suicidal people.

Thing is, these people are not in their right minds when they try such a thing. Their logic makes perfect sense to them, but seems bizarre or even stupid to a healthy person. For example, a husband and father may genuinely believe that his family is better off without him, and that they will be happier after he is dead.

For this reason, you really won't be able to truly understand why he did it in an intellectual and logical fashion. Nevertheless, you can work to understand in a compassionate way how badly he must have been hurting even if you don't understand why, and respond accordingly with caring, not anger.

I don't think anyone is implying that you should have seen it coming. Especially if you have always been mentally healthy, you cannot be expected to pick up on his hints, even if there were any. They wouldn't make any sense to you even if you did pick up on them - "Why did his give away his cat? He loved that cat!"

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Xerxys

Oh No, I never meant for this and I do apologise if I somehow implied this. The thing is, if I was your co worker, I would think "What would Acetylene think of me." That's why i immediately assumed (my mistake on this part) that an office relationship is most of the time left proffessional.

Another thing is I very much doubt that there was any hints whatsoever that he would have done what he did and even if there was, you would ever have picked up on it. The introverts responsible for some of this behavior are very good at bottling up their feelings and keeping their actions well monitored.

I hope I helped, I would like to let you know you can still be a friend and not pick up on this kind of stuff.