conflicts with a family member and a friend? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

InTransition951 · 04-15-2008, 11:08 PM

i do not really know how to start this but ill give it a shot.

ever since i was in middle school, i used to strongly dislike people of my race (filipino) that act like ghetto thugs and eventually passed this ideology to my cousin who i am very close to in the family. today now that i am older (19), it is not really that harsh because i learned to not care about things that i really dislike.

i recently moved and made some new friends where i first judged them from how they dressed and acted from what i was saying earlier. but after getting to know them later on in the college semester through mutual friendships, they are actually good people from hanging out with them after a few classes.

now here is the problem from my title of this thread. My cousin that i passed this ideology still thinks this way and still dislikes them from the experiences between now and back then. He is coming to visit me from my old hometown and we were planning on having a get together with my new friends who fit the description. He did not know about what kind of people they were until i told him via the internet.

He told me that if they even slightly pissed him off (which basically means acting like ghetto thugs), he wouldnt hesitate to fight my new friends. I already told them in advance that we were going to hang out and i am afraid of starting a conflict between some new friends and my cousin. I really do not want this to happen.

my cousin has the type of temper where he does jump to conclusions a lot. He is also a bit stubborn sometimes when you disagree on something with him too. Like, you plan something with him and still agrees with you but you can just feel that he does not want to do this and makes you feel really bad about yourself. i mean, he is a great guy besides this.

but anyways, Is there any alternative to this? or should i cancel this get together and not risk anything? i really do not want to lose any friends just because my cousin dislikes these kinds of people. but i do not want to do nothing since there is really nothing to do around town since most places are just retail.

jewels · 04-16-2008, 12:47 AM

Ask your cousin to stay in a hotel and meet him there for dinner one night.

Peace out.

mixedmedia · 04-16-2008, 03:57 AM

I'm assuming you have told your cousin explicitly that you were wrong in telling him the things you did.

If he can't promise to treat your friends respectfully no matter what, then I have to agree with jewels.

Consider it a lesson learned.

InTransition951 · 04-16-2008, 09:24 PM

hmmm alright.

i guess i can try that out as one alternative. i was actually looking forward tho for him metting some new people but i guess not this time. oh well.

pig · 04-17-2008, 04:07 AM

well, given the fact that you think all hell might break loose, I'd start with him meeting one or two of these thug-life guys first in a casual setting. That probably won't go over great either...but if you drop off 5 or 10 of them at once, the group dynamics are going to heavily favor their group behavior...which is going to alienate your cousin and piss him off. So, if you're really wanting to pad this situation out, let him meet some of these guys in a situation which will humanize them for him. Could be something as simple as sitting around playing video games.

Sounds like you're adapting to a new social setting, and your cousin hasn't had to make that type of move yet. I can see bad things coming out of this, but likely it will all be well in the long run.

Cynthetiq · 04-17-2008, 05:54 AM

I'm the very same way about the filipino thing. I have a great disdain for those filipinos that were raised by strong middle class families with money back home, who act like they belong in the ghettos here.

I also have a disdain for those middle class families that think they are hot shit here because they have a driver, 3 maids, and a bodyguard back home.

I do agree with you, breaking free from the "first impression" is a hard thing. I've met some of the nicest people that aren't the wrapper that they appear.

I try to follow the advice in my sig, that's a better meter than family, cousin, or friend. If he's an asshole, he's the asshole, not these new friends.

MSD · 04-17-2008, 09:19 PM

Breaking stereotypes is something that needs time and a combination of forced immersion and more personal encounters with the tartet5s of prejudice

InTransition951 · 04-18-2008, 01:19 PM

thanks guys. i really appreciate the advice.

im thinking of just reasoning with him and just give it a chance. but there is a risk of him breaking out in a fight which i do not want to happen. we were planning on playing video games for a bit anyways.

but knowing this from experience, i know that a loss will just anger him inside since that first impression of anger is already fueled. my friend is very good at videogames too while my cousin is not. and i know that taking a loss from someone of a bad label can be hazardous in the atmosphere for everyone in the room.

but i really wish people would follow your advice too which is what i am telling myself too. i did come up with this rule for myself too which i think i said in an earlier post, where if a label/sterotype bothers you, you simply just dont care and go on with your business. idk but i think i am starting to derail this thread with this little rant.

anyways, he really respects me since we've helped each other since he moved here in america (during his middle school years). now just convincing him is whats in the question.

04-15-2008, 11:08 PM	#1 (permalink)
InTransition951 Upright Location: Northern CA	conflicts with a family member and a friend? i do not really know how to start this but ill give it a shot. ever since i was in middle school, i used to strongly dislike people of my race (filipino) that act like ghetto thugs and eventually passed this ideology to my cousin who i am very close to in the family. today now that i am older (19), it is not really that harsh because i learned to not care about things that i really dislike. i recently moved and made some new friends where i first judged them from how they dressed and acted from what i was saying earlier. but after getting to know them later on in the college semester through mutual friendships, they are actually good people from hanging out with them after a few classes. now here is the problem from my title of this thread. My cousin that i passed this ideology still thinks this way and still dislikes them from the experiences between now and back then. He is coming to visit me from my old hometown and we were planning on having a get together with my new friends who fit the description. He did not know about what kind of people they were until i told him via the internet. He told me that if they even slightly pissed him off (which basically means acting like ghetto thugs), he wouldnt hesitate to fight my new friends. I already told them in advance that we were going to hang out and i am afraid of starting a conflict between some new friends and my cousin. I really do not want this to happen. my cousin has the type of temper where he does jump to conclusions a lot. He is also a bit stubborn sometimes when you disagree on something with him too. Like, you plan something with him and still agrees with you but you can just feel that he does not want to do this and makes you feel really bad about yourself. i mean, he is a great guy besides this. but anyways, Is there any alternative to this? or should i cancel this get together and not risk anything? i really do not want to lose any friends just because my cousin dislikes these kinds of people. but i do not want to do nothing since there is really nothing to do around town since most places are just retail. __________________ looking young can be fun at times in some situations. but many older people do not take you so seriously.

04-16-2008, 12:47 AM	#2 (permalink)
jewels Eponymous Location: Central Central Florida	Ask your cousin to stay in a hotel and meet him there for dinner one night. Peace out. __________________ We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess. Mark Twain

04-16-2008, 03:57 AM	#3 (permalink)
mixedmedia has all her shots. Location: Florida	I'm assuming you have told your cousin explicitly that you were wrong in telling him the things you did. If he can't promise to treat your friends respectfully no matter what, then I have to agree with jewels. Consider it a lesson learned. __________________ Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

04-16-2008, 09:24 PM	#4 (permalink)
InTransition951 Upright Location: Northern CA	hmmm alright. i guess i can try that out as one alternative. i was actually looking forward tho for him metting some new people but i guess not this time. oh well. __________________ looking young can be fun at times in some situations. but many older people do not take you so seriously.

04-17-2008, 04:07 AM	#5 (permalink)
pig pigglet pigglet Location: Locash	well, given the fact that you think all hell might break loose, I'd start with him meeting one or two of these thug-life guys first in a casual setting. That probably won't go over great either...but if you drop off 5 or 10 of them at once, the group dynamics are going to heavily favor their group behavior...which is going to alienate your cousin and piss him off. So, if you're really wanting to pad this situation out, let him meet some of these guys in a situation which will humanize them for him. Could be something as simple as sitting around playing video games. Sounds like you're adapting to a new social setting, and your cousin hasn't had to make that type of move yet. I can see bad things coming out of this, but likely it will all be well in the long run. __________________ You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

04-17-2008, 05:54 AM	#6 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	I'm the very same way about the filipino thing. I have a great disdain for those filipinos that were raised by strong middle class families with money back home, who act like they belong in the ghettos here. I also have a disdain for those middle class families that think they are hot shit here because they have a driver, 3 maids, and a bodyguard back home. I do agree with you, breaking free from the "first impression" is a hard thing. I've met some of the nicest people that aren't the wrapper that they appear. I try to follow the advice in my sig, that's a better meter than family, cousin, or friend. If he's an asshole, he's the asshole, not these new friends. __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

04-17-2008, 09:19 PM	#7 (permalink)
MSD The sky calls to us ... Super Moderator Location: CT	Breaking stereotypes is something that needs time and a combination of forced immersion and more personal encounters with the tartet5s of prejudice

04-18-2008, 01:19 PM	#8 (permalink)
InTransition951 Upright Location: Northern CA	thanks guys. i really appreciate the advice. im thinking of just reasoning with him and just give it a chance. but there is a risk of him breaking out in a fight which i do not want to happen. we were planning on playing video games for a bit anyways. but knowing this from experience, i know that a loss will just anger him inside since that first impression of anger is already fueled. my friend is very good at videogames too while my cousin is not. and i know that taking a loss from someone of a bad label can be hazardous in the atmosphere for everyone in the room. but i really wish people would follow your advice too which is what i am telling myself too. i did come up with this rule for myself too which i think i said in an earlier post, where if a label/sterotype bothers you, you simply just dont care and go on with your business. idk but i think i am starting to derail this thread with this little rant. anyways, he really respects me since we've helped each other since he moved here in america (during his middle school years). now just convincing him is whats in the question. __________________ looking young can be fun at times in some situations. but many older people do not take you so seriously.