Need help with guiding siblings - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

sloppyjaloppy · 03-14-2008, 05:09 AM

So I have an interesting situation on my hands and I thought I would ask here on tilted for some input.
In the last year or so I've started to become a fair bit more aware, both of myself as well as the world around me. I would not say by any means that I have even begun to comprehend the way everything works, but compared to this time last year I feel I've come along way. Unfortunately in doing so, however, I seem to have developed a largely cynical view on society and the way people live and interact. I have seen firsthand the effects of bigotry, intolerance and social conditioning that lead to negative effects and injustice for many people. (sorry if this is long winded, I'll get to my point eventually)

Im now 21, my father died when I was 17, and I have a younger brother and sister, now aged 12 and 15 respectively. While my role in the family has not been that of a father figure, I still feel that I play an important role in shaping the lives of my siblings. My mother has done an amazing job in raising all of us (i also have an older sister aged 24), but I feel like I have some sort of responsibility to my siblings to make them aware now, of the same things it has taken a long time for me to work out.

I still haven't formed my opinions entirely on contentious issues like socialized gender roles, native rights, materialism and many others, but I have a fairly solid grasp of what I feel is right and wrong. I can see that my brother and sister are largely unaware of these concepts, and my question is this: Is it appropriate for me to engage with them on these ideas, and help them to (hopefully) form opinions that are beneficial to their development, or should I butt out and let them figure it out eventually themselves the way I have?

If the answer is yes, can anyone suggest appropriate methods to broach the topics with them in a non-threatening way? (My 12 year old brother would not be very comfortable talking with me about the patriarchy and womens rights, for example)

Thanks for your patience if you managed to read everything.

Lasereth · 03-14-2008, 06:11 AM

I can't offer much advice but it would be a good idea to instill in them the fact that homosexuality isn't a choice but something that simply happens. Some people aren't born gay but when they hit puberty they realize they're gay. Some know it from childhood. Either way, being gay is a biological state, not a choice.

Either way there is nothing wrong with homosexuality and it is NOT a choice that some people make. Nobody chooses to live a life of a gay person in our society. Gay people are no different than straight people and they do not "be gay" because they want to be different.

I had a hard time understanding this when growing up and actually believed that being gay was a choice until I was 16ish. Then I realized how close minded and idiotic I was being.

In school (particularly the 10-18 age group) being gay is the worst possible insult you could give to someone and it makes me sick. Start teaching your siblings about gay people in hopes that their generation won't be a congregation of homophobes like our current society.

jewels · 03-14-2008, 10:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sloppyjaloppy

Is it appropriate for me to engage with them on these ideas, and help them to (hopefully) form opinions that are beneficial to their development, or should I butt out and let them figure it out eventually themselves the way I have?

First of all, kudos for being a big brother that cares.

I would say that opening dialogue with them about these issues and stating your opinions and why you feel the way you do would be great. It would hopefully open up discussion as to how they feel and some great bonding and understanding could definitely occur, whether they agree with you or not. Although the youngest is 12, he's probably already formed some opinions of his own. Don't forget to encourage their independent thinking.

Quote:

If the answer is yes, can anyone suggest appropriate methods to broach the topics with them in a non-threatening way?

IMO, start slow. Don't give them too much at once; they'll bore quidkly and be curious about your agenda.

Suggestion: Talk about a subject that's easier to begin with for both you and them. Once you've begun to share opinions, each ensuing conversation should become easier and more natural.

DISCLAIMER: Keep in mind, please, I'm a mom and I have all girls.

Martian · 03-14-2008, 03:36 PM

I don't think there's one right answer here; a lot of different methods might work, and you'll have to find the one that suits your situation best. Personally, I'm a strong advocate of teaching by example. Talk is cheap, but if you make the conscious choice to be a positive role model for them and actually show them right and wrong through your actions every day, you may make an impact.

The other side is to keep in mind that you can only show them the path, and it's up to them to decide whether or not to follow it.

snowy · 03-14-2008, 03:46 PM

I find discussing current events often leads to discussing relevant topics more in depth, and many of those relevant topics are big life issues like the ones you've mentioned.

thingstodo · 03-15-2008, 07:15 AM

Every bit of advice you've already received here is good advice.

My advice would be to go with the flow. If you have an opportunity to chat casually about something, go for it. Don't get preachy. Remember what it was like for you at that age since it wasn't that long ago. And don't think you have relationship equity when you don't - it takes time to build that and it will change from week to week with kids at those ages. Self-awareness opn your part helps with that.

Big brothers are different from dads. Figure out that difference and it will really help.

genuinegirly · 03-15-2008, 01:31 PM

I've always looked up to my older brother and taken all of the words he chooses to say to me, all of the time he spends with me, as a most precious gift. He has picked up on this, and often did his best to teach me with every interaction. If my brother chose to share his life lessons with me on any topic, I would be grateful for the opportunity to listen.

Mind you, I see my brother about once every two years, and have since I was 10.

03-14-2008, 05:09 AM	#1 (permalink)
sloppyjaloppy Upright	Need help with guiding siblings So I have an interesting situation on my hands and I thought I would ask here on tilted for some input. In the last year or so I've started to become a fair bit more aware, both of myself as well as the world around me. I would not say by any means that I have even begun to comprehend the way everything works, but compared to this time last year I feel I've come along way. Unfortunately in doing so, however, I seem to have developed a largely cynical view on society and the way people live and interact. I have seen firsthand the effects of bigotry, intolerance and social conditioning that lead to negative effects and injustice for many people. (sorry if this is long winded, I'll get to my point eventually) Im now 21, my father died when I was 17, and I have a younger brother and sister, now aged 12 and 15 respectively. While my role in the family has not been that of a father figure, I still feel that I play an important role in shaping the lives of my siblings. My mother has done an amazing job in raising all of us (i also have an older sister aged 24), but I feel like I have some sort of responsibility to my siblings to make them aware now, of the same things it has taken a long time for me to work out. I still haven't formed my opinions entirely on contentious issues like socialized gender roles, native rights, materialism and many others, but I have a fairly solid grasp of what I feel is right and wrong. I can see that my brother and sister are largely unaware of these concepts, and my question is this: Is it appropriate for me to engage with them on these ideas, and help them to (hopefully) form opinions that are beneficial to their development, or should I butt out and let them figure it out eventually themselves the way I have? If the answer is yes, can anyone suggest appropriate methods to broach the topics with them in a non-threatening way? (My 12 year old brother would not be very comfortable talking with me about the patriarchy and womens rights, for example) Thanks for your patience if you managed to read everything.

03-14-2008, 03:36 PM	#4 (permalink)
Martian Young Crumudgeon Location: Canada	I don't think there's one right answer here; a lot of different methods might work, and you'll have to find the one that suits your situation best. Personally, I'm a strong advocate of teaching by example. Talk is cheap, but if you make the conscious choice to be a positive role model for them and actually show them right and wrong through your actions every day, you may make an impact. The other side is to keep in mind that you can only show them the path, and it's up to them to decide whether or not to follow it. __________________ I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said - Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

03-14-2008, 03:46 PM	#5 (permalink)
snowy Kick Ass Kunoichi Location: Oregon	I find discussing current events often leads to discussing relevant topics more in depth, and many of those relevant topics are big life issues like the ones you've mentioned. __________________ If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

03-15-2008, 07:15 AM	#6 (permalink)
thingstodo A Storm Is Coming Location: The Great White North	Every bit of advice you've already received here is good advice. My advice would be to go with the flow. If you have an opportunity to chat casually about something, go for it. Don't get preachy. Remember what it was like for you at that age since it wasn't that long ago. And don't think you have relationship equity when you don't - it takes time to build that and it will change from week to week with kids at those ages. Self-awareness opn your part helps with that. Big brothers are different from dads. Figure out that difference and it will really help. __________________ If you're wringing your hands you can't roll up your shirt sleeves. Stangers have the best candy.

03-15-2008, 01:31 PM	#7 (permalink)
genuinegirly Eat your vegetables Super Moderator Location: Arabidopsis-ville	I've always looked up to my older brother and taken all of the words he chooses to say to me, all of the time he spends with me, as a most precious gift. He has picked up on this, and often did his best to teach me with every interaction. If my brother chose to share his life lessons with me on any topic, I would be grateful for the opportunity to listen. Mind you, I see my brother about once every two years, and have since I was 10. __________________ "Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq "violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

03-14-2008, 06:11 AM	#2 (permalink)
Lasereth Knight of the Old Republic Location: Winston-Salem, NC	I can't offer much advice but it would be a good idea to instill in them the fact that homosexuality isn't a choice but something that simply happens. Some people aren't born gay but when they hit puberty they realize they're gay. Some know it from childhood. Either way, being gay is a biological state, not a choice. Either way there is nothing wrong with homosexuality and it is NOT a choice that some people make. Nobody chooses to live a life of a gay person in our society. Gay people are no different than straight people and they do not "be gay" because they want to be different. I had a hard time understanding this when growing up and actually believed that being gay was a choice until I was 16ish. Then I realized how close minded and idiotic I was being. In school (particularly the 10-18 age group) being gay is the worst possible insult you could give to someone and it makes me sick. Start teaching your siblings about gay people in hopes that their generation won't be a congregation of homophobes like our current society.