dalnet22

I've been struggling with a weird issue the past few months. Out of nowhere, I started to have problems with looking into peoples' eyes. The problem hasn't seemed to go away, and I have tried everything I can think of. When I look at people now, I feel like I'm staring at their nose rather than looking into their eyes. When I try just looking into one of their eyes, it seems ok; but I get the feeling that I'm not looking at them correctly.

Can someone help me out. It's REALLY screwing with me, and it's making it hard for me to look straight at people. Any advice? I've tried relaxing and just focusing on what they're saying, and it works a little bit.

Is it wrong to look into just one of their eyes?

shesus

I always have problems looking people in the eyes when talking to them. In school, people always made comments about how I never looked at them when I was talking to them. For me, it was a confidence issue and still is to an extent as I'm still struggling with it.

Look back and see if something happened in the last several months that has maybe affected your confidence. Not making eye contact is a symptom of an issue. Don't focus on the symptom, the issue is what needs to be discovered and worked on.

Also, I'm not sure how you'd look into just one eye, but I think that would be just as weird.

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Shauk

I've never been able to look people in the eyes for some reason. I've always felt it was a sign of aggression.

ratbastid

You're overthinking this. Relax.

Martian

Agreed. You'll cause yourself a lot of grief if you attempt to tackle inability to make eye contact as an issue in and of itself. Figure out why first, then you'll be able to solving the issue.

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mixedmedia

When I was young, I had trouble looking people in the eyes, but I made myself do it. After a while, it came naturally. Now I look at everyone straight on from gas station cashiers I meet once to people I work with everyday. I think it's really important to be able to do this. I really notice it when someone can't look at me and it makes me apprehensive about them when they don't.

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dalnet22

The problem started when I was dating a cross eyed girl. It messed me up big time. Then we broke up, and I became really stressed.

The problem is I physically can not look into both eyes at once. I feel like when I look at the person, I'm staring at their nose. If I want to see what color their eyes are, I need to look into one of the eyes. I no longer understand how it's humanly possible to look into both eyes at once. I'm staring at one point on the face. I'm so confused, now. I guess I could just stare into one eye, and it looks ok... but it doesn't feel right.

mixedmedia

I think the guys are right, you're just over-thinking it because of your recent experience. If you try not to stress over it, I'm sure it will come easier to you.

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Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

inBOIL

Just don't look back and forth from one eye to the other. Nothing is more distracting than watching someone's eyes going back and forth.

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Fotzlid

try looking at their face instead of their eyes.

ASU2003

I never knew you were supposed to look at people's eyes before I was 23. I still have a hard time doing it today. Actually, I never knew people could tell if I were looking elsewhere. Now, I just focus behind the person and still use any excuse to look away that I can. It just isn't comfortable staring at other people, even when they are talking to me.

Eweser

My junior high basketball coach taught me to look people in the eyes, but then events occurred that caused me to lose my confidence to do so. Now when I do it, I feel the person can instantly see everything I'm thinking. Now that I think about it, when I do, I only look at one eye. Unless you're really obvious about it, I don't think a person can tell if you're looking at one or both...but I could be wrong.

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JumpinJesus

It's weird, but I've always, always, for as long as I can remember, looked into one eye, than the other. Maybe it was a focal issue where I've never had the ability to look at two objects simultaneously, but I don't see it as weird just looking at one eye at a time. I look back and forth, but not all crazy-like. I just casually shift my vision from one eye to the other.

I never even thought that was strange until this thread.

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abaya

For some reason, I decided to start looking people in the eye when I was taking a World History class in high school. I think I was 14, and the teacher was a burly guy with white hair who intimidated me.

But from the safe harbor of my desk, while he was lecturing and looking around the room to make sure we were all awake, I would practice staring directly into his eyes (he would be looking elsewhere, though occasionally look at me). So this way, I could practice it without a direct return look to make me nervous. I did this day after day, and eventually, it became normal to me.

And bonus, ever since that class, I have made a note of looking directly into my teachers' eyes to make sure they know I am listening (and, when I started teaching, staring my students down to make sure THEY were listening, hehe). It was really a matter of practice to me, just like most habits in life...

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Redlemon

Um, no one looks at both simultaneously.

Think about it: when you are looking at something on the table, both eyes are focused on a single spot. Same thing when you are looking at a face: you are looking at one eye. The only way to look at both eyes simultaneously would be to go wall-eyed (like the old Magic Eye posters) or cross-eyed.

"Today's my day. I brought a lunch and a soda and I'm not gonna leave until I see this sailboat everyone keeps talking about."

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Dammitall

I've noticed that my tendency is to watch someone's mouth when they talk to me, as it's a little harder for me to look directly into their eyes instead, especially if the surroundings are loud and it's difficult to hear them to begin with. That being said, I do try to make myself look into their eyes, and I feel better when I do, but it usually involves casually—and inconspicuously—switching back and forth from one eye to the other. When I'm the one talking, I find that I'll look briefly into their eyes, look away for a second, and then look back.

I suppose for most people all of this happens naturally without much thought being put into it, and maybe I catch myself thinking about it more than I should. I'd agree that the key is just to relax and not think or worry about it too much.

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Ourcrazymodern?

Your eyes are windows.
So are everyone elses'.
You know where they go.

One eye at a time,
with binocular vision,
is all we manage.

Please don't mind looking:
Relish what you see therein;
and don't be afraid.

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Jinn

QFT. You're overthinking it, because no one really stares at both eyes.

A few things that might help; STARING at another person IS aggressive. Watch any two non-domesticated animals, and you'll see that if they ever lock eyes it's a bad thing, and they're getting ready to fight.

Somehow in our evolutionary process the stare and SMILE become a positive thing, and domesticated animals nowadays are the same way. If you stare at an intelligent dog or cat, they react differently than if you stare and smile. It's the same with people.

You probably have an issue looking at them in the eyes because you're staring.

And because the wonders of the Internet, you now have a perfect way to practice:


Try it with her. Focus on the one eye, and as it pans out, look at the other, then both, then match her mouth movement with a smile. That's how it works with every face you'll ever see.

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Hain

Way way over thinking it. While some cultures find direct eye contact an insult, I do not think that is the case. I personally have to look into people's eyes. Just switch between them... they are doing the same thing to you.

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Willravel

Practice eyes!

Charlatan

I have trained myself to look people's in the eyes when we are talking... when I first had it pointed out to me that I should look people in the eyes, I started out by looking at the spot on their forehead just above and right between their eyes.

It helped. I don't really think about it all that much anymore.

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Willravel

It comes with confidence. Be comfortable in your own skin and it'll happen.

robot_parade

I have this problem too, *especially* with cute girls. One girl I knew (well enough to talk to about it) called it the 'geeks looking at shoes syndrome'. Which is sort of true. I do it now, when I think about it. But, it definitely takes effort. I have to intentionally do it.

jewels

Subconsciously you probably made adjustments when looking her in the eye.

Your eyes are probably readjusting and you've noticed it seems different.

You're fine.

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dlish

in some cultures its more respectful if u didnt look someone in the eyes. so maybe its a cultural thing that your suffering from?

other things may be confidence and humility. when im feeling humble i tend not to look ppl in the eyes, but when im cocky i would.

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Lubeboy

you're probably dishonest.

surferlove007

I used to do this too. When I lifeguarded over the summers in HS I'd have to stare people down who were giving me crap so I guess it could be seen as a sign of aggression. I dunno, now I just look at them. Although I typically switch from focusing on one eye to the other if the conversation is dull.

Meh just do it.

allaboutmusic

Try smiling at the same time. You convey something completely different than if you were simply staring them down, and you feel different too.

mca00

Ahhhh, which eye do I look at!?

I've actually thought about this recently and thought about posting about it here. It's a good thing that dalnet22 actually posted a topic about instead of just thinking about posting a topic about it like me.

dalnet22

Well guys, the advice of looking at their face rather than trying so hard to look into their eyes has really helped. I'm doing much better, now. Thank you.

Crack

I look into people's eyes. Then I bare my teeth in a menacing fashion and snarl.

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allaboutmusic

Well yes, but you are a cat, Crack.

Toaster126

I was going to post this, only slightly funnier.

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little_tippler

It's definitely true that you only look at one eye at a time, even though peripherally you see both. Never thought about that.

I think you're over thinking it and of course, if you do concentrate on the "one eye" idea, it can freak you out, hell if I think about it I find it a bit freaky. Makes me want to laugh heh

I think the only way you're going to get over that freaky feeling is if you forget you ever thought of it. Sure it'll pop up again once in a while, but just count to 10 and it will go away again.

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

allaboutmusic

Maybe try and see the person inside, beyond the eyes, or some other spiritual concept like that... might make you less conscious about the eyes themselves.

AngelaSI

They say eye contact represents who is in control. The person who holds out the longest is in control. I find it to be true. I prefer a guy who'll maintain eye contact rather than someone who looks at my breasts.

Anonymous Member

I have had this problem for 30 years and have developed coping strtaegies for it. I would be happy to share these. I know the anxiety that this condition causes.

Lasereth

Something that hasn't been mentioned in this thread is how close you are to the person's face. Do you have trouble looking into peoples' eyes that are 10 feet away? 5 feet away? 3 feet away?

If someone is 3 feet away from me, sometimes I can't look at both eyes at once. It's impossible. The viewing distance is too great for me to concentrate on with my eyes, so you have to sorta look between their eyes, or around their eyes so you're looking at their face in general. I see nothing wrong with this.

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Vigilante

HA. I was about to say, I get messed up when people have walleye. I tend to focus on the one that's looking off to the side, then I realize what I'm doing and try not to, then I start wondering what their other eye is seeing while the standard eye is focused on me. THEN I start wondering if it's anything like what a chameleon would see, etc.

It becomes really funny, but I keep my poker face on the whole time.







....





If I got "poker face" stuck in your head, picture me laughing at the thought

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Halanna

Try wearing dark sunglasses and practicing on a friend or relative.

This way they can't see that you are looking them in the eye, maybe you will feel more comfortable if you know they can't see where you are looking.