jooles

My SO and I had a long conversation tonight about where our relationship is going. In the end, we both agreed that we want to be with each other for a long time but marriage is still an uncertainty. The conversation didn't feel complete when it ended. It was as if we still had a lot to say to each other, but couldn't put our feelings into words.

She called me shortly after and asked me if I loved her. This is the first time she asked me this. Although we have been dating for nearly a year, the word 'love' has never been exchanged between us. I was very hesitant to say one thing or another and ended up giving her an indefinate answer.

I don't know what love is. I do however know that this girl is perfect and I can't imagine being with anyone else. I care more for her than anyone else I know. Is this love?

abaya

Well, that's quite a start for a Rookie... welcome to TFP and thank you for being so open on your first post!

Love... well, that's interesting. I've been with ktspktsp (my SO) for 2.5 years now, and we're getting married in less than 2 weeks. And yet I don't know if I could define "love" any better today than I could before I met him... in fact, I think all of my ideas of love have been transformed by virtue of being in our relationship. And I am okay with that... more and moreso, each day. I don't need many definitions anymore.

Love exists, and for that I am grateful. It is not the same love as when we started out (we were younger), but it has matured with us and grown us into better, healthier people... and that is how I know it is real, for me at least. It has seen us through some of our ugliest sides and moments, and I know it will see us through many more of those to come... and I am not afraid anymore, of anything we will face together.

But, if pressed, I would have to answer your question by asking you more questions:
--Why do you think she is "perfect?"
--Are you willing to be responsible for her well-being, even at the cost of your own desires?
--Have you ever used the word love before, with anyone else?
--Why do you think that you both have not used the word "love" with each other before?
--Do you need to know what love is, in order to experience it and know it is true?
--Why did the conversation end prematurely?
--Why did you hesitate to answer her?

I also just want to say... it's okay to not be ready for marriage yet. In fact, it's more honest to be at that point, than to be uber-excited about it externally, but nervous and insecure internally. If she is the person that you are truly going to walk through life together with, the marriage-readiness will come on its own. There is no forcing it. You will, actually, know when it is time. And it's not now. But that doesn't mean it won't be ever.

A bit rambly, but I hope this has been helpful. Certainly good for me to write it.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

little_tippler

I think it's ok if you don't want to get married yet. That's normal. The question is, do you see yourself being with her for a long time and can you envisage some sort of a future together? Uncertainty on a large scale is never good in a relationship.

Love is when you're happy with the person you're with. When you're not looking for someone or something better. When there are more positives than negatives. When you feel that most of the time you really deeply understand each other and are in tune to each others' needs. Often it's putting them before yourself or your needs. It's when the other person makes you feel diferent, more alive, a better person, motivated, energetic, sexy, all rolled into one. When just touching their hand however lightly is enough to put a grin on your face. When you can hardly believe your luck that this wonderful person wants to spend most of their time with you, and they also think that you're pretty awesome too. When you don't feel scared thinking about having their children, or about just being together for however long. When, even though you may have doubts when there are problems or arguments, deep down you have no doubt that they are worth the effort. Love is a peaceful, but at the same time exciting feeling. Well that's what I think it is.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Charlatan

Love can't be easily defined.

It means something different to each of us (despite what Hallmark might say).

Don't worry about it too much. Don't over process it.

You will know it when you feel it.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Toaster126

People say "you will know it when you feel it", but I think that some people don't have that feeling. They have to decide to have it. I'm not really sure, as I have done neither. I do know saying "you don't know until you know" has always bothered me when talking about stuff like this.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

Charlatan

You see, this is the problem with things like love. I can describe what love is to me but what that is may not be the same to someone else.

Love is not easily defined. I went through the same process of not knowing what love is. I tried to come up with other words to describe what I was feeling. In my opinion love had been so trivialized by our culture that I couldn't recognize it if I tripped over it and if I did, I sure wasn't going to relate the powerful emotions I was feeling to the dross I was told meant "love".

Finally, after being with my girlfriend (now wife) for about four years. I decided that I didn't give a rat's ass about the external definitions or what our culture said. I started using the work Love to describe the state I was in.

When you are trying to tell someone you love them (and there are different types of love to be sure) why waste time trying to explain it to them (or yourself) just call it love and then *show* them what you mean by doing things that let them know you love them (it's up to you to figure out what that means to you).

So don't worry. Questioning what love means and trying to figure out if you are in love are just a part of life. Especially in the culture in which we live...

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke