Tachion

Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances
have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause
my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep,
and you can be sure it's in the bag.

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just
eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say,
if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just
hold it up to the phone.

Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO
depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner,
but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to
me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep.
Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery
sounding.

Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes
are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll
have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.

Hello, you have reached the DOE, that is, the Department Of
Enemies. Rick Burger is not here right now, so leave a message
saying who you are, what you want to argue about, and where
you'll be, and I'll be there.

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave
your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's
vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's
not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and
confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as
soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless
you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!


I found these on the net - add more if you got them!

Charlatan

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm on the couch.

BEEEEP

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

MexicanOnABike

i can't cum to the phone because i'm cumming in my gf. call back in 5min.

SirLance

Thank you for calling the CIA. Don't bother leaving your name and number, we already know who you are. At the tone, just hang up.

__________________
DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.

Siege

This is Siege's fridge. Please speak slowly, and i'll try to spell your message out with magnets.

__________________
"Your name's Geek? Do you know the origin of the term? A geek is someone who bites the heads off chickens at a circus. I would never let you suck my dick with a name like Geek"

--Kevin Smith

This part just makes my posts easier to find

AngelicVampire

beep.

Never can be bothered with answer phones, if I ever get a message the mailbox calls my mobile continuously till I pick up, while this can be stimulating its rather embarassing in the middle of a meeting to have your boss suddenly start asking where "Go" (by Flow) is coming from!

Bacchanal

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me.

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. (I've actually used this one)

I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.

Bridge, Kirk here.

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

FoolThemAll

"You have reached ___ and ___. Please leave a message after the beep."

Alternatively,

"Hello?

Hello?

HELLO?!

Oh.

Guess I'm not here.

Leave a message."

__________________
I wonder if we're stuck in Rome.

shakran

Thank you for calling the (city, state) branch of the Strategic Air Command's Nuclear Weapons Facility. Please leave your name, number, and target, and we'll launch as soon as possible.

J.R.V.A.

Hello...short pause...hows it going?...another short pause...Good, well this is my answeing machine, I'm not really here, but if you leave a message I'll call you back...
This is what I have now, it really pisses off my friends

__________________
And as she plays,
her sweet song of laughter
floats through the air
and warms my heart

Tachion

(Sexy, slow female voice oooOOOO, Greg's in... OOOOooo,
Greg's out... ooooOOOOO, Greg's in... OOOoooo, Greg's out...
ooooOOOOO, Greg's in... Humph, Greg's busy, you had better call
back later...

or

The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt
power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten.
(Sound of a kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a
message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty. The
choice is YOURS!


(both from the net)

Daniel_

"Hi, I'm in right now, so please leave a beep after the message"

__________________

╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

Zeraph

In a computerish voice, "Good morning . . . Dave. Please enter your 4 digit access code." Not funny in and of itself, but it had people freaking out thinking they called some covert line. Only problem is almost no one was smart enough to figure out it was just a recording and didn't leave messages so we had to change it.

1010011010

"They say a recording can steal your soul. Have fun."

A friend of mine had a lady friend record the following:
"______ is tied up at the moment. Leave a message and he'll get back to you when I'm finished." Pissed his girlfriend off, which was partly the purpose.

__________________
Simple Machines in Higher Dimensions

Lloyd

Once I held my mobile phone upto a landline phone and recorded the BT lady saying "the number you have dialed has not been recognised" - so many people got pissed off with it lol, it did actually sound real too

Brewmaniac

I remember a few years back calling a customers phone number and this really sexy female voice said in a very suggestive way;

"you know what you want and you know how to do it, so just do it"

__________________
"That's a joke... I say, that's a joke, son"

Sgoilear

*Sounds of a transformer snapping and popping in the background*

Hello. I'm not available to take your call right now but...
*add a kitten mewing sound*
if you hang up without leaving a message this little kitten will be allowed to play with this loose 5000 volt cable. You wouldn't want that now would you? So leave your name and number and I'll get back to you.

Edited to fix spelling.

__________________
"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them." -George Bernard Shaw

Sultana

My student's voice mail message is her saying, "Look! A chicken!"

beep

Cracks me up every time.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Toaster126

If you decide to use one of the "Hello... hello... hello?" ideas, be prepared for all the death threats left on your machine.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

Zeraph

Mirror to the "Hello...hello?" one is recording the beep, "Blah blah blah *beep* pause, Just kidding, will the next one be real? ...*beep*..."

A really funny one my friend did was a fishstick factor recording, something like "hello and welcome to the fishstick factory, if you would like to place an order press 1, ...etc" Probably more funny because we knew him and his tone of voice.

blahblah6669

[Heavy breathing, maybe a moan or two] "Oh, you called me. My bad." [beep]

Sweetpea

sweetpea

__________________
Having a Pet Will Change Your Life!
Looking for a great pet?! Click Here!
"I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself"

neddy65

sung to the tune "heave away" by the Fables

Please leave a little message and we'll call you when we get in,
Leave away me jollies, leave away.
Just a little message so at least we'll know who called in,
Leave away me jolly boys, we're all gone away.


i got calls from all over Europe after my brother-in-law's brother heard it and called all his friends to call and listen to it.(he lives in England)

__________________
If you're travelling at the speed of light, and you turn the headlights on, do they do anything?

My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die!

Drink Dickens' Hard Cider because nothing makes a girl smile like a Hard DIckens' Cider!

ElwoodBlues

" This is commando dan. I've commandeered Pete's phone. I haven't got much time. I appear to be in some sort of ladies' underwear factory. Wait. I think I've got something. Oh god....oh not, ITS *click*"

__________________
I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up." -Mitch Hedberg, '68-'05

Bauer's the man.

trickyy

yes, long messages are kind of annoying.


but remember when answering machines first came out? it was cool to have something unique. and that's where these links come in.

Bad Celebrity Impersonations
http://www.sweetthunder.org/tapes/weekthirteen.html

Greetings with a Tune (including Instrumental Tracks so you can lay down your own message)
http://www.sweetthunder.org/tapes/weekfive.html

One more...just terrible
http://www.sweetthunder.org/tapes/weeksix.html

snowy

Mine is so simple..."Hi, this is (phone number). Leave a message after the beep."

I learned after living the dorms that it's best to have a message where you don't identify yourself directly...you get funnier messages that way because people think they've called who they're supposed to call

Once I got a message from someone's grandma..."Miles, your grandpa and I are wondering what your address is, we have a package to send you...your mother said you needed socks so I bought you some socks..."

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

biznatch

My friend says "orange! OraaAAAAaange!" in a demented voice.
I had the whole "hello? hellooo? Oh, whoops, guess I'm not here..leave a message?" thing until my gf threatened to kill me. It didn't last for long. now its back to boring: "hey, this is _____, I'm not here, leave a message."

Jelorian

I think this was from the the movie Burglar with Whoopie Goldberg.

"This is you know who and I'm not you know where so leave a message when you hear the you know what."