suviko

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maltamo

Love those.

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The secret to flying is to throw oneself at the ground – and miss.
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uffjohn

hehe funny

zaiaz

Where did Murphy go to law school?

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Self destruction - "Its my Nature", said the Scorpion...

Mad_Gecko

suviko
Almost CoMoFo

Couple of others:

No one knows if your shootin'n blanks
Ain't no athiest's in a Foxhole
Shoot first, ? later

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[color=bright blue]W[/color]e Stick To Glass

"If three of us travel together, I shall find two teachers."
Confucious

small one

Very, very Funny

Is "Militiary Intelligence" a contradiction of terms

suviko

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icy_ca

I knew Murphy was an engineer, maybe he was in the corps. first.

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After all is said and done,
more is said than done.

duckduck

So true, so true.

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Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way!

RoadRage

This is the version I have.

<center>*MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMBAT OPERATIONS*</center>

1. Friendly fire - isn't.
2. Recoilless rifles - aren't.
3. Suppressive fires - won't.
4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
6. If it was stupid but worked, it wasn't stupid, now was it?
7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
8. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
9. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
13. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
14. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a) when they're ready or b) when you're not.
16. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
18. Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
22. The easy way is always mined.
23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
24. Don't look conspicuous; it always draws fire.
25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
28. Incoming fire has the right of way.
29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.
32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
33. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
34. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
36. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
37. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
38. Tracers work both ways.
39. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
40. When both sides are convinced they will lose, they're both right.
41. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
42. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
44. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
45. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
46. Weather ain't neutral.
47. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
48. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
49. Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.
50. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
51. Napalm is an area support weapon.
52. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
53. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
54. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
55. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
56. The one item you need is always in short supply.
57. Interchangeable parts aren't.
58. It's not the bullet with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
59. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
60. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
61. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
62. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
63. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
64. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
65. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
66. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
67. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
68. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
69. Something you can never have enough of. (Read it again, aloud.)
70. A clean and dry set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
71. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
72. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
73. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
74. Field experience is something you can't get until after you've needed it.
75. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
76. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
77. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
78. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
79. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
80. Those who hesitate under fire usually end up KIA or MIA.
81. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
82. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
83. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M249-SAW.
84. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
85. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
86. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
87. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
88. Murphy was a grunt.
89. Beer Math -- 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
90. Body count Math -- 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 KIAs.
91. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
92. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
93. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
94. The crucial round is a dud.
95. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
96. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
97. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
98. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
99. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
100. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
101. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
102. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
103. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
104. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his actual importance in your chain of command.
105. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
106. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
107. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
108. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
109. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
110. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
111. The seriousness of a wound caused by a fire-fight is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
112. Walking point = sniper bait.
113. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
114. If only one solution can be found for a problem, then it is probably a stupid solution.
115. All or any of the above combined.

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killerjoejoe

hehe a good read

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Regziever

Theyre as old as war itself but always funny! Good post!

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Life is shit,
Death is even worse,
So what's the point of killing yourself?
/Ignatius Camryn Paladine

Nitro

In many of these list you find:

"No plan survives first contact with the enemy."

or somenthing like it.

Actually this is not from Murphy but it was written by the german millitary philosopher Carl von Clausewitz (1780-1831).
Furthermore it was not meant by him as a joke at all. He gained this wisdom from his combat experience.

Another famous quote from him is:

"War is the continuation of politics by different means."

Stare At The Sun

Very good stuff, , "friendly fire aint"

egorey

loved the very last one... Thanks.

bobbles

nice road rage

jdkash

lmao good good

2wolves

From Uncle Sam's Misguided Children:

If you have time to assume proper firing position you're not moving fast enough or you're using cover poorly.

2Wolves

rockogre

There's the right way, the wrong way, and the Navy way!

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Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you,
Jesus Christ and the American G. I.
One died for your soul, the other for your freedom

Nitro

The artillery has neither friend nor enemy. They only have targets.

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"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Benjamin Franklin, Historical Review of Pennsilvania, 1759

TIO

Edward A. Murphy was an engineer, and also a captain in the USAF. He designed a harness to attatch to test pilots, with 16 accelerometers in various places. As fate would have it, there were 2 ways to install each of those accelerometers.

One day Major John Paul Strapp was wearing the harness in a test in a rocket sled on Murdoc (now Edwards) base, where he pulled about 40G. When he got out of the sled, he asked a technician what the readings on the accelerometers were. The technician said 'Zero'.

Needless to say, Strapp was not impressed. Murphy was called out, and saw that every one of the 16 accelerometers had been installed in the harness backward. He then said his immortal words:

If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of them will cause a catastrophe, someone will do it that way.

It's a good engineering principle, and it stuck. It was used the next day in a debreifing on the failed rocket sled experiment, and quickly gained momentum.

As an aside, most people think that Murphy's law is If anything can go wrong, it will. That is, in fact, Finnagle's law, not Murphy's.

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Strewth

iktoweya

good stuff

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i miss K-Wise

loganmule

funny, but a bit scary that there's so much truth in these

MadMax

hehe - a great read - have heard heaps of these b4 but they are all good

Speed_Gibson

oh yes remember hearing that one, and the old one you first hear in bootcamp...
Never
Again
Volunteer
Yourself

suviko

TIO:

Didn't know all that, I really appreciate you for telling it. I had somehow assumed the name had stuck and the knowledge of orginal Murphyäs identity was lost along the way.

TIO

Glad I could help, Suviko!

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Strewth

Gortexfogg

I love that "If your advance is going well, it's an ambush." Great stuff!

krazykemist

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

This one is sad but true.
Great lists though.

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"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself." -- Tolstoy

archer2371

83. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M249-SAW. So very very true.

Edit: BTW, I'm not military but some of my friends are/were and had that happen to them.

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"This ain't no Ice Cream Social!"

"Hey Grif, Chupathingy...how bout that? I like it...got a ring to it."

"I have no earthly idea what it is I just saw, or what this place is, or where in the hell O'Malley is! My only choice is to blame Grif for coming up with such a flawed plan. Stupid, stupid Grif."

japzster

Thanks for the laughs guys, hope some of you get a laugh outta this

I used to work at the MCSS (military clothing sales store) on an army base. And I can never resist giving the enlisted a hard time. Anyway, one day I was putting out a case of Camo hats. So Im standing there with a shopping cart full of hats, next to a rack of hats, when a PFC and two of his buddies walks up and says to me "Where's your headgear?"
If that's not a blatant invitation to fu*k with someone.. I dont know what is. So I promptly pointed to the other end of the store and said "over there by the boots". About 5 or so minutes later, the guy comes back and informs me (gasp!) he cant find the headgear. I reply "oh.. they just did a reset...they moved it over there". This time one of his buddies catches what i got in my hand and stays as the PFC AGAIN goes on a 10 minute outing with no luck.
When he gets back his pal lets him know he's a dumbass and tells him where the hats are. PFC dumbass starts getting pissed. To which I reply in my cockiest asshole tone "Sir, It's camoflague, you're not supposed to see it"

True story, and if you've ever worked with military, you know it's true : )

lecas

63. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.

words to live by, even if you're not infantry.

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Don't sweat the petty things
and don't pet the sweaty things

kinky - using a feather
peverse - the whole chicken

MichaelFarker

the first law of battle: everything gets f*ed up as soon as the enemy arrives. That's why he's called the enemy.

This is a great list everyone. Thanks for sharing.

Dunta

funny stuff