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Worst Joke Ever!
I want to hear everyone's worst joke they have ever told! It could be just downright vulger 'bad' or corny 'bad' or funny to you but not funny to anyone else 'bad'
Here's mine Whats green and has wheels? ...grass, I lied about the wheels. |
A horse walked into a bar and the bar tender said why the long face?
okokok, A bear walked into a bar and asked for a......beer. The bar tender said why the big pause--get it big paws! |
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fshhhh. These two guys walk into a bar...the third one ducks. Horrible, but two of my favorites :) |
Why'd the pigs cross the road?
Pigs aren't Jewish. Har har har -.-. |
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What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
Getting raped. |
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Here's mine: Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. |
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender notices that he has a steering wheel attached to his crotch. He looks at the pirate an says "hey whats the deal with the steering wheel?"
and the pirate says, "Arrrrrr its driving me nuts" |
^ Best joke ever. :D
The no arms one was good to. |
a guy with one thong (flipflops.. whatever) walks into a pub in alice springs.
bartender asks 'wow.. nice thong. where'd ya get that?' the guy replies 'oh.. i found it' cracks me up everytime. |
What'd the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?" *Bad-dum cha* |
Two ducks are sitting in a pond
One duck says "quack!" The other says "Thats Exactly what I was going to say!" |
A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?"
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what do you call a blind reindeer?
noeyedear :D |
What's long and boring and only mildly amusing...
This Thread! :lol: |
^^^ Oooh, ouch.
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I think any knock-knock jokes fit into this criteria.... |
what'd the Indian say when his dog fell off the cliff?
dog gone. |
Two biscuits are sitting in an oven. The first says, "Damn it's hot in here." The other exclaims, "Holy shit! A talking biscuit!"
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Knock, knock
Who's there? Go fuck yourself. ^from "Catch Me if You Can" |
Two guys walk into a bar,
the third one ducks. |
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Two Scottish ducks on a tandem one sats "quack"
The other said "I'm going as quack as I can" |
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What did Geronimo say as he lept out of the plane? Meeeeeeeeeeee! |
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It drove down the road and turned into a field! |
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What did the Papa Buffalo say to his boy before he went off to college?
BYE SON! |
A frog walks into a bank and asks for a loan. The teller gives him a weird look and directs him to the loan officer, Patty Wack.
Patty is a bit perturbed by the fact that a talking frog is sitting across from her asking for a loan, but she decides that there's no reason they can't do it. She asks the frog for collateral, and he pulls a small pink elephant out of his pocket. Because the situation is so bizarre, she tells the frog she needs to discuss the matter with the bank president. She takes the pink elephant to the president's office, explains the situation, and shows what he offered as collateral. He responds, "It's a knick knack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan." Those stupid jokes always crack me up. :) |
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Why was the fireman buried behind the hill?
Because he was dead. |
How does an elephant get into a tree?
Stands on an acorn and waits. /thank you, I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waiter! |
A man walks into a bar and says "ouch!"
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Why did the farmer get an award?
He was out standing in his field! |
What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat. How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb? One. Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg. Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again. |
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Why can't Helen Keller have kids? Because she's dead. |
two guys are peeing from a bridge. One says "the water's cold", the other says "the water's deep".
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My grandma tells this one:
3 strings are standing outside a bar. The first one goes in and the bartender says "We don't serve strings in here. Get out!" Second strings puts on a stupid disguise and goes in. The bartender looks at him and says, "You a string? You look like a string in a disguise. Get out! We don't serve strings in here!" Third string ties a knot in himself and messes up the strands on one end. he walks into the bar and the bartender says "You a string?" The third string says, "No sir, I'm a frayed knot." It's dumb but there's something endearing about hearing your grandmother telling a joke like that. |
What do you call 2 guys with one arm each hanging over a window?
Curt and Rod |
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Bad jokes? I got a billion of 'em! What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese What did the 2 year old brown cow say to the 300 pound gorilla that had just milked it? "Moo" How do you shoot a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun. How do you shoot a white elephant? Hold it's nose until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun. What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the pool? Bob. What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eilene What if she's Asian? Irene How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Fish. What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra? A bull has the horns up front and the ass in the rear. What's the difference between boogers and brocolli? Kids won't eat brocolli. What's the first thing that went through the bug's mind when it hit the windshield? It's butt. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. Last one of the evening: God called the Pope and said He was thinking about unifying the world under one single religion. The Pope said "That's a great idea God!" God said, "Good. Then you won't mind that I'm calling you from Salt Lake City." |
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Still no eye deer. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A Stick Two cesium atoms are walking down the street. One says, "Damn! I just lost an electron!" Other says, "Are you sure?" First one says, "Yeah, I'm positive." How many republican campaign managers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three: One to screw in the lightbulb, and one to confuse the issue. How many democratic campaign managers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but they have to be very small. How do you catch a unique rabbit? U Nique up on him. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way. |
OK, so everyone knows Gandhi walked the plains of India for years, but few know that he rarely wore shoes - this, of course, left him with blistered, toughened feet after years of such abuse. Most also know that he was a strict vegetarian and that, especially in his later years, his diet left him in a weakened state more often than not. And another thing that few people even think about is that, given the relatively poor dental hygiene practices in India at the time, Ganghi also had chronic bad breath. All of which combined to make him.........
.....you ready???...... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. tadaaa!!!!! (worst one I know) |
That was unbelievable. Jaw droppingly unbelievable. so bad, it's, it's...gold...
I really, really, want to tell that joke now, but there's no chance I'd ever be able to remember it. Bravo! |
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Here is a couple. What do you call a mushroom who walks into a bar and buys every one a drink? A fun guy. Why does the Pope have the best job in the world? Because he gets to see his boss sprawled on a cross everyday. |
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Stu. |
What do you call a girl standing between two buildings?
Elaine. What do you call a guy with a seagull standing on his head? Cliff. What do you call a guy with no arms in the sea? Bob. |
what do you call a woman with one leg?
Peg what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on a wall? Art |
did you hear about the kidnapping?
yeah, he's awake now. did you hear about the guy who was in a car wreck and lost his whole left side? he's all right now. |
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What do you call a guy hiding inside your mailbox?
Bill. Why was Hellen Keller such a bad driver? She was a woman. And in the spirit of the Ghandi joke above: One morning, as Fred leaves for work, he goes out to his garage only to find that his car won't start. Not knowing what to do he runs back inside. Why don't you take the bus to work? Says his wife. Take the number 6, the one that goes over to Sesame Street. That's just a block or so from your office, you can walk from there. Fred thanks his wife for the advice, kisses her goodbye and heads off to bus stop. In no time, the bus arrives and Fred gets on. Good morning, says the bus driver, Haven't seen you on this line before. "My car broke down," explained Fred. "Looks like it's good old public transportation for me," as he takes a seat right behind the driver. No sooner than Fred sits down, Two of the fattest women he has ever seen get on right behind him so big that they look like they could easily take up three seats each. The bus driver calls out "Morning Patty, Morning Patty." Confused, Fred inquires about the large women. "Oh those are twin sisters, both named Patty. Unfortunate Thyroid problem, but two of the friendliest gals I've met in a long time." Even though he find it a bit srange, Fred accepts the explination even though he can't stop staring at their enormous girth. At the next stop, A young boy gets on, clearly developmentally disabled. "Morning, Ross" Exclaims the bus driver. "Doing some shopping today?" Ross smiled a crooked smile, nodded his head enthusiastically and clapped his hands. "That's Ross," The bus driver explained. "Down Syndrome. Some folk would call him slow, but We say he's 'Special.' " Ahh, thought Fred, That would explain it. At the third stop, an elderly obviously homeless man gets on and he is hacking and coughing up a storm. "Morning Horace" calls the ever freindly Bus driver. In the raspiest, wheeziest, most strained voice, Horace answered back "Morning", before resuming his coughing fit. "Lifelong smoker, that Horace. Chronic Emphezima" The driver explains. The next thing that Fred notices is that Horace isn't wearing any shoes. Because of this, his feet are incredibly dirty and calloused, with bunions as big as golf balls. Horace takes a seat and begins picking at his feet, all the while coughing and hacking up a lung The bus continues on, for a few more minutes untill finally the bus driver calls out, "Next stop, Sesame Street. End of the line." Fred gratefully exits the bus and thanks the driver. "Colorful bunch you got on this route. Have a good one" Later on that night, after Fred had returned home, he was about to tell his wife about the amazing, if not a bit odd cast of characters he had seen on his ride to work that morning. Before he could tell her however, she spoke up. "I had the wierdest thing happen to me today. After you left for work, I went to the store, and right in front of me, up pulled a limoseen filled with... get this... Circus clowns. There had to be about 40 of them all piled into this limo. Isn't that wierd?" "You think that's wierd?" Asked Fred. That's nothing. You will never believe what I witnessed on the ride to work this morning." "And what's that dear?" "Why that would be... Two Obese Pattys, Special Ross, Horace wheeze, picking bunions on the Sesame Street bus." |
how many emo-kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
none. just let them cry in the dark. :D |
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves?
Russell What do you call him 6 months later? Pete |
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Nash... How old are you? That could very well have something to do with it.
BTW, What's an Emo-kid? |
emo = "boo hoo im an artist and the world hates me so im going to sit and cry because no one loves me"
and I can't quite remember what that old thing was that that joke refers too... Two whole-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, and onions on a sessame seed bun? was that it? I can't remember all the words and it's hard to tell. Person 1: did you hear about the actress who stabbed herself? Reese somthing... Person 2: WITHERSPOON?!? Person 1: NO, WITH HER KNIFE! Person 3: This movie is too updog. Person 4: What's updog? Person 3: Nothin much, whats up with you? Two pretzels are walking down the street, and one is assaulted (a salted) A man walks into a bar, sits down, and hears a voice that says "That suit looks real good on you!" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. A minute later, the man hears the same voice say "That tie looks very nice, too." The man looks again and sees no one. Eventually the bartender comes over and sees the confused man and asks whats wrong. The man says "Well, ever since I came in here, I keep hearing voices telling me that I look nice in this suit..." The bartender says, "Oh, that's just the peanuts. They're COMPLIMENTARY!" |
some of these jokes are way too good to be the worst joke ever. I think this one's a contender.
What's brown and sticky? A stick. |
Why did Jimmy fall off his bike?
Because Jimmy was a fish. Why did Ronnie fall of his bike? Because someone through a fridge at him. Why did the plane crash into the mountain? Because the pilot was a bread roll. |
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that just freakin' cracked me up!!! |
Person 1: Ask me if I'm green?
Person 2: Are you green? Person 1: NO! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! If Person 1 does not laugh as hard as she can at the end, it isn't funny. |
When geese fly in a V formation, why is one side longer than the other?
It has more geese in it. |
Jim is sitting in the bar of a restaurant at the top of a skyscraper having a few when a guy walks in and bets $100 Jim that he can jump out the window and survive.
Jim takes him up on it and the stranger walks to the window, waves to the bar, and jumps out. 10 minutes later, the elevator dings and the stranger walks back into the bar to collect his $100. Jim figures there must be a platform outside, and decides to bet the next guy that walks in that JIM can jump out the window. He does, leaps out the window, and falls to his death. The bartender turns to the stranger and says "Ya know. You're a real asshole when you're drunk, Superman." |
Bad jokes, there's so many of them. Here's a few from me.
What do history teachers talk about when they get together? Old times How did the little girl get out of the elephant? She ran around and around until she was pooped out. Why are gorilla's nostrils so big? Ever see the size of their fingers? |
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I was going to use that one next. Damn. I love that joke. |
Q. did you hear about the two gay Irishmen?
A. one was named Henry Fitzpatrick, the other Patrick Fitzhenry. |
Why did the elephant paint his toes yellow?
So he could hide upside down in a bowl of custard. Have you ever seen an elephant in a bowl of custard? My point exactly. |
A wolf is howling at the moon when a little pony walks by. The wolf asks "do you wanna howl at the moon with me" and the pony replies "sorry I cant, Im alittle hoarse"
Whats one the tombstone of a paper? RIP |
Ok ok ok... get this:
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One of them got as"salt"ed. I was absolutely gone when I heard that. (Fyrekun got there before I did... muh bad) |
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Okay.... Joe is walking down a dark street one night and sees his friend Fred on his hands and knees under a streetlight. "What's going on?" Joe asks. Fred says, "I dropped my keys in the dark, and I'm trying to find them." Joe's a good bud, so he gets down on his hands and knees and starts looking, too. After about 10 minutes neither he nor Fred have found the keys. "Are you sure you dropped them right around here?" Joe asks Fred. Fred says, "Actually, no, I dropped them about half a block down and across the street." "So why are we looking HERE, Fred?" Joe demands. "Oh, because the light's better here." |
How can you tell if there is a pollock at a cockfight?
He's the one with a duck. How can you tell if the mafia is at the cockfight? The duck wins. |
nogoodreason, i was searching to post this same joke!
ah, at least someone did it :) and the ghandi joke was hilarious! |
What does an eskimo get from sitting down for too long?
Polaroids. One of the dumbest jokes ever, but gets great laughs if delivered right. |
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A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?" she asked. The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", to which the lady replied "Yes". ..."Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing". A three legged dog walks into town carring a gun. The town folks see this, and say "we can't have that dog in town with a gun, someone go get the sheriff." So the Sheriff walks up to the dog and says, "listen here dog, this is a nice, peacefull town we have here, you can't be walking around with that gun." The dog looks up and says...."I ain't leaving town till I find the man that shot my paw." |
What do youcall a man with no arms or legs water skiing?
Skip Two atoms are walking down the street. One of the atoms pauses with a worried look on his face and pats his pockets, then says "dang it....I lost an electron." The other questions "Are you sure?" "I'm positive!" says the first. What happens when a duck flys upside down? He quacks up! What's new in chemistry? c over lambda |
A bad joke, but nonetheless my favorite...
Why don't you take a pokemon into the bathroom with you? 'Cause he might Pikachu And another one... What did 50 Cent say to his grandma when she gave him a sweater? Gee, you knit? |
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I like it! |
Why did the boy jump in the lake?
Coz the dog ate a rock. |
Did you hear about the 2 gay judges?
They tried each other. |
What's 18 inches long and will make a mother cry?
Crib death. You asked for it |
Where was Micky Mouse when he turned out the light?
In the dark. :D |
One more.
Q. What is the definition of "making love"? A. Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her in the ass. Sorry. :( |
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I thought this one was a scream!! |
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you've all got the peanut joke wrong! Although it works better said aloud, here it is:
Two peanuts were walking through the park, and one of them was assaulted................peanut. |
Pete and Repete were fishing in a boat,
Pete fell out. Now who was left? Pete and Repete were fishing in a boat, Pete fell out. Now who was left? adinfinatum.... |
BTW...
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"two all-beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun" refers to the Big-Mac at McDonalds. 'scuse the misspellin, :) |
I bet this is somewhere else on here, but oh well.
A guy is sitting in a bar drinking himself stupid when a woman sits next to him and says, "What's wrong?" Man: "My wife left me because I was too kinky for her." Woman: "You're kidding! My husband just left me for the same reason!" Man: "This is too good to be true. Should we go to your place or mine?" Woman: "Mine." They go to the woman's house. Woman: "I'll be right back, just going to slip into something more comfortable." She leaves and comes back decked out in the most insane dominatrix outfit imaginable. Black leather, whips, the works. To her surprise, the guy is putting his clothes on. Woman: "What's the matter?" Man: "I already fucked your dog and took a shit in your shoes, I'm done here." |
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Q. What's a wok? A. It's what you throw at a wabbit. One more. Q. How do you make a cat sound like a dog? A. Light it on fire and, WOOF |
after the crib death hear goes
what is the second most digusting thing in the world? A trash can full of dead babies. what is the most disgusting thing in the world? a live one at the bottom eating it's way out. sorry the other one reminded me of this one |
chef, you left one out...
Q. why do you boil water when babies are born? A. in case it dies, you can have soup! |
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BZZZZZZZ! Someone didn't read his rules! |
why couldn't helen keller drive?
because she was a woman |
Why did Snoop Dogg have an umbrella?
For Drizzle. What did Snoop Dogg put on his salad? Bacon Beeaaats. |
Jesus and Moses were fishing in a lake one day, when Moses nudged Jesus and said, "Psst. Hey, Jesus, I've still got it."
Moses stands up in the boat, rolls up his sleeves and grabs his staff. He takes a deep breath and raises his staff. The angels began to sing, the lake turned into a raging gale, and the waters of the lake parted. He smiles and as he lowers his staff, the water goes back to normal. Moses sits down and smugly says to Jesus, "Ya, I've still got it, how about you?" Jesus looks at him and says "Of course I've still got it." He laughs a little, stands up at the edge of the boat and slowly steps to the water. He promply sinks like a rock. He swims back up and says to Moses: "It was a hell of a lot easier before I had these holes in my goddamned feet!" |
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
A paraplegic after a house fire. Did you hear about the gay lawyer? He blew his first case. |
how many mafia guys does it take for a burial?
one, to close the trunk. What did the elephant say to the naked man? how do you breathe through that thing? You hear about the new Mexican Phone company? Its called Taco Bell. |
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got a couple for ya....
why do ducks have flat feet? to put out forest fires. why do elephants have flat feet? to put out flaming ducks. heehee |
Heisenberg was driving through the desert when he was pulled over by a policeman. The policeman asked him if he knew how fast he was going. Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know exactly where I am."
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How many kids with A D D does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Wanna go ride bikes? |
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