bobby

> I probably shouldn't admit this to you younger readers, but when my
> generation was your age, we did some pretty stupid things. I'm talking
> about taking CRAZY risks. We drank water right from the tap. We used
> aspirin bottles that you could actually open with your bare hands. We
> bought appliances that were not festooned with helpful safety warnings
> such as, "DO NOT BATHE WITH THIS TOASTER."
>
> But for sheer insanity, the wildest thing we did was - prepare to be
> shocked - we deliberately ingested carbohydrates.
>
> I know, I know. It was wrong. But we were young and foolish, and there
> was a lot of peer pressure. You'd be at a party, and there would be a
> lava lamp blooping away, and a Jimi Hendrix record playing (a "record" was
a
> primitive compact disc that operated by static electricity). And then,
> when the mood was right, somebody would say: "You wanna do some 'drates?"
> And
> the next thing you know, there'd be a bowl of pretzels going around, or
> crackers, or even potato chips, and we'd put these things into our mouths
> and
> just...EAT them.
>
> I'm not proud of this. My only excuse was that we were ignorant.
>
> It's not like now, when everybody knows how bad carbohydrates are, and
> virtually every product is advertised as being "low-carb," including beer,
> denture
> adhesives, floor wax, tires, life insurance and Viagra.
>
> Back then, we had no idea. Nobody did! Our own MOTHERS gave us bread!
>
> Today, of course, nobody eats bread. People are terrified of all
> carbohydrates, as evidenced by the recent mass robbery at a midtown
> Manhattan
> restaurant, where 87 patrons turned their wallets over to a man armed only
> with a strand
> of No. 8 spaghetti. ("Do what he says! He has pasta!") The city of Beverly
> Hills
> has been evacuated twice this month because of reports - false, thank
> heavens -
> that terrorists had put a bagel in the water supply.
>
> But as I say, in the old days we didn't recognize the danger of
> carbohydrates. We believed that the reason you got fat was from eating
> "calories,"
> which are tiny units of measurement that cause food to taste good. When we
> wanted
> to lose weight, we went on low-calorie diets in which we ate only inedible
> foods
> such as celery, which is actually a building material, and grapefruit,
which
> is
> nutritious but offers the same level of culinary satisfaction as chewing
on
> an Odor
> Eater.
>
> The problem with the low-calorie diet was that a normal human could
> stick to it for, at most, four hours, at which point he or she would have
no
> biological
> choice but to sneak out to the garage and snork down an entire bag of
> Snickers,
> sometimes without removing the wrappers. So nobody lost weight, and
> everybody felt
> guilty all the time. Many people, in desperation, turned to disco.
>
> But then along came the bold food pioneer who invented the Atkins Diet:
> Dr. Something Atkins. After decades of research on nutrition and weight
> gain - including the now-famous Hostess Ding Dong Diet Experiment,
> which resulted in a laboratory rat the size of a minivan - Dr. Atkins
> discovered an amazing thing: Calories don't matter! What matter are
> carbohydrates.
>
> Dr. Atkins' discovery meant that - incredible though it seemed - as long
> as you avoided carbohydrates, you could, without guilt, eat high-fat,
> high-calorie foods such as cheese, bacon, lard, pork rinds and whale. You
> could eat an
> entire pig, as long as the pig had not recently been exposed to bread.
>
> At first, like other groundbreaking pioneers such as Galileo and Eminem,
> Dr. Atkins met with skepticism, even hostility. The low-calorie foods
> industry went
> after him big time. The Celery Growers Association hired a detective to -
> yes -
> stalk him. His car tires were repeatedly slashed by what police determined
> to be
> shards of Melba toast.
>
> But Dr. Atkins persisted, because he had a dream - a dream that, some
> day, he would help the human race by selling it 427 million diet books.
And
> he did,
> achieving vindication for his diet before his tragic demise in an incident
> that
> the autopsy report listed as "totally unrelated to the undigested 28-pound
> bacon
> cheeseburger found in his stomach."
>
> But the Atkins Diet lives on, helping millions of Americans to lose
> weight. The irony is, you can't tell this by looking at actual Americans,
> who have,
> as a group, become so heavy that North America will soon be underwater as
> far inland
> as Denver. Which can only mean one thing: You people are still sneaking
> Snickers.
> You should be ashamed of yourselves! Got any more?

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Fenton-J-Cool

Absolutely awesome. I spit on the Atkins diet! It is the most absurd thing I have ever heard. And yet millions of people do it!

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wra

pocon1

nothing to say

Viking1064

I have to agree. The Atkins Diet is a bunch of crap!!!! In 10 years everyone will look back on it and laugh.

Paq

I don't know if it'll go away in 10 yrs, though...seriously, corporations have dumped more money into this than i have ever seen dumped into any 'fad' before. There could be undeniable research out tomorrow saying that even trying the atkins diet causes death at 55 and it would still be shoved down our throats daily by the weight watchers and corporations. Entire restaurants are changing their total menu, sinking millions into this whole fad and generally, when a corp spends that much money, not much is going to change...RJ reynolds, anyone

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Chris

bond007

hehe... snork!

CSflim

When you get sick, you tend to lose a lot of weight.

Carbohydrates are a requirement of a healthy balanced diet.

you do the maths.

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tiberry

This is funny sh*t, BUT - I lost over 30 pounds on the atkins diet in about 6 weeks....

Still funny though,...

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CinnamonGirl

Dave Barry rocks.

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Dilbert1234567

atkins is such crap, get your lazy ass out of the house and get some excersize, i'm down 65 lb by just geting out (over 7 months)

my gut is nearly gone!


EDIT:

good joke too

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mofonyx

Atkins do work.
It makes sense ... coz.. nevermind. Its a silly diet.

I find it funny anyways!

NetForce

Atkins just makes you lose your water mass. As soon as you go back to you normal diet... you'll gain weight.
Not to mention the risk of ketoacidosys.
Following the glycemic index works best. http://www.glycemicindex.com/
I only found that out after i got diabetes, but the index works great for non-diabetics also. I'm losing weight at a rate of 1kg per week. Food groups that are lower on the glycemic index will make you feel fuller for a longer ammount of time.
Just my $0.02CAD

Great post!

fizzledorf

you were one crazy mofo!

Paq

i often wondered if it was just severe water weight loss

Our chef at work lost 130 lbs in a VERY short time, but he had to go off it bc of the new menu changed and 65 popped right back on in about 3 weeks...that's an incredible loss and gain over about a 7 month range...

my ex lost 35 lbs in 6 weeks only to gain it all back plus 5 pounds when she went off it after she found out she was a month pregnant. so, a loss of 35 lbs and a gain of 40 lbs in about 9 weeks...

and i hear all these people say how much they lose in such a short time...i just don't reallyc onsider that healthy.

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Chris