aphex140

I have been pronounced mad at work, I have just strarted crying and banging my head on the desk,. Hard to pick favs but the micra comment fits my train of thinking - the bath /sea side / pool conversion also ( maybe becouse some brit beaches are like this) and the stubbon stain.


Hope you enjoy - which is your fav?

> If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
> > Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey
> > presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
> >
> > Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of
> > arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book
> > a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
> >
> > A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will
> > prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
> >
> > Chelsea fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply
> > strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. Your
> > allegiance is now clear to all.
> >
> > Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
> > getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
> >
> > Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and
> > nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
> >
> > Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at
> > the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the
> > f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
> >
> > Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The
> > following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by
> > drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid, sandpapering
> > your tongue and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
> >
> > Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the
> > seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog
> > turd into the bath.
> >
> > Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your
> > own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two
> > bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
> >
> > Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand
> > closer to the object you wish to view you stupid bastards.
> >
> > Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl
> > makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an
> > amusing manner.
> >
> > Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in
> > the direction of oncoming traffic.
> >
> > Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of
> > lard.
> >
> > A next-door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes
> > an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
> >
> > GIRLS - An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps
> > makes an inexpensive vibrator.
> >
> > Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken
> > anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
> >
> > Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by
> > simply pissing in the sink.
> >
> > Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold
> > Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout
> > videos.
> >
> > Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting
> > your next fag from the butt of your last one.
> >
> > Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of
> > steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu,
> > Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real
> > thing', they won't know any f*cking difference.
> >
> > Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd
> > no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements,
> > tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
> >
> >
> > Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment
> > always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you
> > remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily
> > locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
> >
> > Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last
> > frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random
> > order.
> >
> > High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed
> > for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
> >
> > Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of
> > your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll
> > have enough to insulate your loft.
> >
> > Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your
> > windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then
> > jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way
> > streets.
> >
> > Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and
> > dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
> >
> > A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute
> > for costly maps when visiting the Sahara
> >
> > Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING'
> > device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory
> > coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few
> > days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during
> > the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the
> > same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
> >
> > Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on
> > toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
> >
> > Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof
> > of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the
> > things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like
> > one.
> >
. Still laughing

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[/QUOTE=BAMF]Do they role a die, with a 1/3 chance of being flacid?[/QUOTE]

fatboss

They are all spot on!

Absolutely brilliant, I needed cheering up today and that's hit the spot.

Thank You aphex140

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Gortexfogg

Oh man, those are hilarious! The shrink ray one is by far the best... thanks!

KellyC

Holy shit...so funnyyyyyy gonna send to all my friends

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Me: Shit happens.

Slacks_01

i liked them, a lot of them are funny and make sense!

losthellhound

thanks for the Friday laugh

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icy_ca

Would the Civic nation buy into that last one?

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After all is said and done,
more is said than done.

GM2

I liked the sandpaper one.

fizzledorf

great list

Ripp3r

some of these are really funny
thanks for lighting up my day

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Fearless_Hyena

We have a winner!! If there's any excuse to take a dump at work, that's it. Make sure you read this guide first though:

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthr...threadid=15577


BTW these sound like Top Tips from Viz comics...

thedrake

superb

Crack

These were awesome! I had to forward these to a bunch of people. Thanks!

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Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

Lloyd

lmao - these are great, like the Nissan Car one at the end

pinklily

these are great! it's hard to pic a favorite but I think mine might be the first.

rsl12

what is chelsea? is that an english thing?

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gilada

many of these hit too close to home.

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kinsaj

absolutely great

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boom

xim

hahahaha

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sillygirl

I'll be the first to say... YIKES!!!!!!

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Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken
....absence makes me miss him more...

txgirl

i believe I dated a guy who pissed in the sink...OH those were the days!!!!

twilightfoix

made me laugh for awhile

lucidity

I second the cheap vibe one. hilarious list

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Faith is the daring of the soul to go farther than it can see. -William Newton Clark

bacon_masta

these two are the best, i actually tried to sell a get rich quick scheme to a company by saying i could make insulation out of cigarette butts. they were interested until i mentioned that there was NO WAY to get rid of the smell. i really enjoyed this post, thanks aphex

hawkeye

awesome list, thanks

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You're not fat,
You're just a giant ball
of love, covered in anger.

jfelco

keep em coming

FoolThemAll

The best one is the vegetable cutting tip. Great stuff, thanks.

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