View Single Post
Old 02-13-2004, 03:00 AM   #1 (permalink)
aphex140
Psycho
 
aphex140's Avatar
 
Location: northamptonshire
How to solve iratating prob/ freak people out

I have been pronounced mad at work, I have just strarted crying and banging my head on the desk,. Hard to pick favs but the micra comment fits my train of thinking - the bath /sea side / pool conversion also ( maybe becouse some brit beaches are like this) and the stubbon stain.


Hope you enjoy - which is your fav?

> If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
> > Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey
> > presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
> >
> > Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of
> > arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book
> > a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
> >
> > A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will
> > prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
> >
> > Chelsea fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply
> > strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. Your
> > allegiance is now clear to all.
> >
> > Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
> > getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
> >
> > Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and
> > nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
> >
> > Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at
> > the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the
> > f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
> >
> > Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The
> > following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by
> > drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid, sandpapering
> > your tongue and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
> >
> > Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the
> > seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog
> > turd into the bath.
> >
> > Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your
> > own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two
> > bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
> >
> > Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand
> > closer to the object you wish to view you stupid bastards.
> >
> > Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl
> > makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an
> > amusing manner.
> >
> > Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in
> > the direction of oncoming traffic.
> >
> > Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of
> > lard.
> >
> > A next-door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes
> > an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
> >
> > GIRLS - An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps
> > makes an inexpensive vibrator.
> >
> > Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken
> > anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
> >
> > Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by
> > simply pissing in the sink.
> >
> > Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold
> > Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout
> > videos.
> >
> > Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting
> > your next fag from the butt of your last one.
> >
> > Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of
> > steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu,
> > Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real
> > thing', they won't know any f*cking difference.
> >
> > Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd
> > no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements,
> > tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
> >
> >
> > Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment
> > always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you
> > remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily
> > locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
> >
> > Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last
> > frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random
> > order.
> >
> > High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed
> > for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
> >
> > Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of
> > your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll
> > have enough to insulate your loft.
> >
> > Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your
> > windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then
> > jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way
> > streets.
> >
> > Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and
> > dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
> >
> > A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute
> > for costly maps when visiting the Sahara
> >
> > Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING'
> > device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory
> > coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few
> > days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during
> > the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the
> > same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
> >
> > Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on
> > toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
> >
> > Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof
> > of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the
> > things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like
> > one.
> >
. Still laughing
__________________
Computers allow us to make more mistakes at a faster rate than any other man-made thing, with the exception of handguns and tequila.

[/QUOTE=BAMF]Do they role a die, with a 1/3 chance of being flacid?[/QUOTE]
aphex140 is offline  
 

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360