rmarshall

They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards.

It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And the nominees this year are:

9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR,she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.

5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.

4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Garcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Garcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

AND THE WINNER

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everret Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using it to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.
This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot
didn't die.
But, because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.

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bluearmy

That is quality, if you can find some more from previous years then please share them, because that really was funny a little bit painful but funny.

Stare At The Sun

I am amazed at people. That last one...oh man, that's gotta hurt!

Crack

the thing with the ball washer gave me the same sensation as eating (and chewing) a lemon whole, and then getting punched in the adam's apple.
~Crack

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edmos1

I love the darwin awards, it makes the stupid things I do look like I belong to MENSA.

Kaos

I cringed when I read the last one

SAM821

only in america....

(speaking of the top 5)

sartan

Stupid people are funny.lol

KellyC

holy crap!! i've actually heard about the 2nd one from my teacher when i was a freshmen in high school. And he also joke about how that guy is doing the world a service by removing himself OUT of the gene pool...ahhh..brings back memories.

Thank you

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Me: Shit happens.

mvassek

You gotta love the Darwins. One of my favorites was of a couple in New Jersey. Driving on the turnpike at 3:00am. Drunk. Decided to light the dynamite the had in the backseat and throw it out on the turnpike. He holds it while she lights it and then he throws it out his closed window. It bounces back into the seat and in the commotion gets knocked to the floor and rolls under the seat before exploding.

I always wondered what was worse than trying to spit tobacco out of the car and forgetting the window was up then I read about this one. Tobacco spit on the window seems so insignificant for some reason.

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Been There, Couldn't do that, No Money, Maybe next time.

I did get the T-shirt, but I've put on some weight so it don't fit.

It made a nice grease rag!

Nation

Heh, I love the Darwins. They are of specious truthfulness, but funny nonetheless.

ladel311

this shit is retarded. obviously made up. i need evidence for every one of these things if i am to believe this nonsense.

Monre

some of those are fake...but still funny.

uffjohn

hehe makes you feel kinda sad for the human race

floydthebarber

Funny stuff.

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Arachnid

Gotta love Darwin Awards................


Cheers for the insight

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Cheers

nukeu666

ooh aah ouch mommy!!!!!

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Why did the Comp. Engineer get X-mas and Halloween mixed up?
Because Oct(31) == Dec(25)

brikellxx

hilarious, thanks

Silverbrain

Hopefully Darwin is ridding these people faster then they can reproduce or were all in deep sh*t =)

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Yalaynia

What year was this one done in? , I remember reading it before and only seeing 2 other different years besides this one. Are they still doing them and if so could someone post a link to the site? I always get the biggest kick out of them , practically walking away from my computer in tears from laughter.

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I couldnt think of anything to put here , but I guess anything would do

Sfizzio

Excellent, this year's winners have been no less entertaining than the last year's. We've gotta run out of idiots to kill pretty soon, though, right?

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Coroner: My only question, is how did she come to have sex with the dead guy?
Dante: She thought it was me.
Coroner: What kind of convenience store do you run here?

telekinetic

If you want to find out of these are true or not you can go to darwinawards dot com

Each story on it includes a little bit of background as to whether or not they're verified as true, and gives references.

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twisted no more

small one

Just goes to show that some people think through their arseholes

Man/Amazing

Yeah i remember reading about the Darwin Awards a while bak pretty funny stuff.
O i find this to be 1 of my favs

(28 February 2000, Texas) A Houston man earned a succinct lesson in gun safety when he played Russian roulette with a .45-caliber semiautomatic pistol. Rashaad, nineteen, was visiting friends when he announced his intention to play the deadly game. He apparently did not realize that a semiautomatic pistol, unlike a revolver, automatically inserts a cartridge into the firing chamber when the gun is cocked. His chance of winning a round of Russian roulette was zero, as he quickly discovered.

This 1s pretty funny too

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet, didn't put enough postage on a letter bomb, and it came back marked "return to sender." He opened the package and was blown away.

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Zooksport2

Homo-Sapiens. you gotta luv 'em.....

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mrlayance

#1 is really bad...

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Mavric98

I should have skiped #1 that was extremely wrong.

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NoseyJoe

i looooooove the darwin awards, people are such idiots

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"the only difference between suicide and martyrdom is press coverage." -- Chuck Palahniuk

wipeout

i like how you justified the winne by saying the he cant have kids no more

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TerresqueÜ

Heh. There's whole books of the 'Darwin Awards'. One of my favorites is a Jackass sounding thing. A guy got into a shopping cart at the top of a steep hill, got in and rode down, only to run into a dumpster at the bottom dieing on impact.

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mikeylips

I had a teacher in high school who used to read us a Darwin award every week, these people are quite amazing....

datroyenschwart

This one actually did happen (I believe in Texas):

An elementary school class went on a field trip to a nearby commercial building. The teacher brought them up to the twentieth floor where an employee wanted to demonstrate the strength of plexiglass. After the typical demonstrations, the employee apparently felt that he had not yet fully conveyed the fact that plexiglass is unbreakable. He went over to the window, a large, full wall substitute, and began banging on it. To put a final triumphant exclamation point on his demonstration, the man took a few steps back and got a running start at the window, hitting it with his shoulder. The force of the blow knocked the entire panel loose, and both the panel and the employee plummeted 20 stories. The panal shattered upon impact.

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icy_ca

I bought one of the books at a dollar sale. I just wish the Darwin's that get posted would be some new ones. I've been hearing about that kid wanting to get drunk since '96.
Still good though so don't get me wrong...

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more is said than done.

twilightfoix

i remember hearing one about a man who was killed by an exploding cow fart that, of course, the guy lit.

bt8624

oh that last one has me i pain.....ugh

aarchaon

My thoughts exactly.

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