Lil' Johnny
 

One day little Johnny ran up to his Pa and asked "Hey, Pa, how come when the chicken died, it laid on it's back with it's legs in the air?"

Pa, thinking fast, answered "Well, son, you see it did that so it'd be easy for God to reach down and take the chicken by the legs and haul him on up to heaven."

Later that week, when Pa came back from a trip to the feed store, little Johnny ran up to him. "Pa! Pa! Ma almost died today!" exclaimed little Johnny.

"Slow down, son, and tell me what happened." said Pa.

"Well, I was going upstairs to get my baseball glove, and when I walked past your room, Ma was on her back with her legs in the air, just like the chicken! She was yelling 'Oh, I'm coming! I'm coming!' and if it hadn't been for Uncle Steve holding her down, we'd a lost her for sure!"

:) That was good.

Haha, nice.

good ol lil johnny, that dirty lil bastard ;)

ha

Dammit, they caught me!!!

oh thats an oldy but goody

Hehe )

oldie but a goodie... ahaha

incest jokes are funny

Hahah :)

Big people words...
 

Mrs. Jones' 1st grade class had just gotten back from spring break, and she was asking her students what they did over break.

When asked what she did, little Julie replied, "I went to the farm and saw the Moo Moo."

Mrs. Jones smiled and replied, "That's great Julie, but use big people words. You went to the farm and saw the cow. "

She then turned to Melissa and asked what she did over break.

Melissa blurted out, "I went on the Choo Choo with mommy and daddy."

Mrs. Jones smiled again and replied, "That is great Melissa, but remember to use big people words. You went on the train with mom and dad."

Lastly, Mrs. Jones looked across the room and pointed to Johnny. "What did you do during your break, Johnny?"

Johnny, who had had his hand raised, puffed out his chest, smiled and replied, "Over spring break, I read Winnie the Shit."

Excellent stuff

I love Johnny jokes. So innocent, yet born to raise hell.

Haha, great one.

can never get sick of little johnny jokes :)

Little Johnny kicks ass :)

johny is my hero !!

Little Jonny is the best

The Zoo
 

Little Johnny goes to the zoo with his mother. They get to the elephant enclosure and one of them is taking a leak. Johnny points to the pachyderm's privates and asks, "Mom, what's that?" His mother insists, "Oh, that's nothing. Come along now."

A few weeks later, Johnny is at the zoo again, this time with his father. Back at the elephant house, Johnny points out the old elephant parts and asks, "Daddy, what's that?" His father replies, "Didn't your mother tell you?" Johnny answers, "She told me it was nothing." His father nods and says, "Son, your mother is spoiled."

Little Johnny...Classic
 

So this teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands.

"Carl," she says.

Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher.

Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious," and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"

Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class, (and she really doesn't want to call on Little Johnny.)

"Yes, Johnny?" she says.

Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence!!""

Glad :D

Very Good

Haha, cool.

reminds me of the comfortable come-for-the-bull one

nice

shit! bigger then that? WEEEE!

RT,
I never heard of "come for the bull one". Thats funny.
Glad

Yeah... spoiled by the dildo... I can't imagine a person that massive unless they were a tripod... then again i am probably compleatly overlooking the joke... to that extent it is funny...

ahahahaha, thats funny stuff

Hahahahaha! Cunt ages!! That's great!

damn!!! hheheheh

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

--------------------------

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None.", replied Johnny "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."

Hey, my thread title got changed!!!



kewl ;)

FUNNY!!!!!!!!!

Little Johnny sure is a bugger.

Definitely
 

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

Little Johnny wants a red bike.
 

Hope it's not a repost..


Little Johnnys' Bike

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell
his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Johnny was a bit of a trouble maker. He had gotten into trouble
at school and at home. Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he
deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course,
thought he did.

Johnny's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Johnny to reflect on
his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Johnny, and think
about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and
tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Johnny
stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Johnny

Johnny knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy
this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Johnny. I have been a good boy this year and would
like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you. Your friend, Johnny

Johnny knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter
and started again.

Letter 3
Dear God, I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like
a bike for my birthday. Johnny

Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Johnny
wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4
God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I
will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.
Please!
Thanks, Johnny

Johnny knew, even if it were true, this letter was not going to get him
a bike. Now, Johnny was very upset. He went downstairs and told his
Mom that he wanted to go to church. Johnny's mother thought her plan
had worked as Johnny looked very sad. "Just be home in time for
dinner," Johnny's mother told him.

Johnny walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little
Johnny went into the church and up to the alter. He looked around to
see if anyone was there. Johnny bent down and picked up a statue of
the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the
church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut
the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Johnny began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5
God,
I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO!!!

ooohhh that little johnny. good one thanks

geez....

I've seen this but it's still great! Thanks

hahah

That Little Johnny. He's just no good, and he'll never amount to anything.

And yet I love him so! :D

There's a little Johnny in all of us.

Little Johnny jokes are stll the best

LMAO a ransom to God. WOW!

great one for birthdays and around christmas i got some use out of it.

ok i just remebered this one

Little Johny and his dad are walking down the street and they see too dogs mating. Johny looks up at his dad and says daddy what are they doing and Johny's Dad says they are making puppys.

That night johny walks in on his parents and they are have sex so he asks his dad what are you doing. Johny's father says Well johny we are making you a little brother.

then johny says Well flip her over i want a puppy.

The Teacher was trying to teach the alphabet to her students. To make it fun, she was going around the room and asking children to come up with words that started with certain letters. She started by asking.

"Who can tell me a word that starts with the letter A?"

Johnny's hand shot up. THe teacher KNEW he would say "ass", so she waited for another hand to go up.

"Jill?"

"Apple!" Said Jill.

The teacher kept going around the room, avoiding Johnny as best she could. When she got to R, she decided to call on JOhnny, because she could not think of any bad words that started with R.

"Johnny, what is a word that starts with R?" SHe started to cringe at what might come out of his mouth.

"Rat!" Johnny said. The teach started to relax. But then Johnny threw in:

"With a huge dick!"

A long one, but my favorite:

One day, the elementary teacher assigned each student to tell a personal story that had a moral.

The first little girl stands up and says: My family raises chickens for eggs. Every Sunday, we gather the eggs before church and take them to town with us to sell for grocery money. One Sunday we were on our way to town and the basket of eggs flew out and they all broke. We could not afford groceries and went hungry that week. The moral is, Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

The second little girl stands up and says: My family raises chickens and sells them for meat. One year we had quite a lot of eggs so our father promised a huge Christmas. But only half of them hatched. So we had a very meager Christmas and we were very disappointed. The moral is don't count your chickens before they're hatched.

Then Little Johnny stands up and says: So my uncle ted is flying over the Mi-Kong Delta when his plane takes a direct hit from anti-aircraft fire. He looks around the plane and all he finds is a parachute, a case of beer, an M-16, and a big knife. So he jumps from the burning plane, and chugs the beer on the way to the ground. When he hits the ground he's surrounded by over a hundred Viet-Cong. He starts mowing them down with the machine gun until it runs out of bullets. Then he starts killing them with the knife, until it gets stuck in a skull. So he beats the rest of them to death with his bare hands.

The teacher interrupts and says: Johnny that's horrible, what could the moral of that possibly be?

And Johnny says: Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.

This was posted on an earlier tfp but I thought It was too funny.....


One day at school Little Johnny is in class and his teacher tells him that humans are the only species that stutter. Immediatly little johnnys hand shoots up. "thats not true teacher", he says.
His teacher says it is so true, but johnny insists it isn't and he can prove it. So, His teachers tells him to give them an example of something other than a human stuttering.
Little johnny stands up and tells the class...."the other day I was out playing in the yard with my cat when the neighbors Pit Bull breaks through the fence and charges my cat. Well, my cat turns to the dog and says "FFFFFFFFFFF fffffffffff fffffffffff" but before he could get out " FUCK YOU !!!!!!!" the dog ate him!!!!




I dont know who originally posted this but give them some props!

The teacher is teaching a class and asks her students to use different words for fun get togethers.

Susy raises her hand and says. "I had lots of fun at the party."

Good says the teacher.

Philip raises his hand and says "I ate lots of food at the potluck."

Good says the teacher.

Little Johnny raises his hand and says "I had lots of fun and ate a lot when I got that Ho Down."

Marriage
 

Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.


One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."


Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"


Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."


Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."


Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance - Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."


By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"


Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

------------------------------------

Mortgage

One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Little Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle??? Wait until Christmas!"
Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were 'pulling out,' and mommy said that 'you should wait because she was coming, too....'
"And I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!"
----------------------------------------

Spelling

The teacher told her class the word of the day was "dictate" and who could spell it.
Johnnie raises his hand and he says d-i-k-t-a-t-e-.
Teacher says sorry that's wrong and calls on Betty.
Betty says d-i-c-k-t-a-t-e.
Sorry says the teacher, that's not right.
She calls on Darla and Darla says d-i-c-t-a-t-e.
Very good Darla, says the teacher, that's correct.
Now, says the teacher, who can use this word in a sentence?
Johnnie raises his hand I know-I know, he says.
OK says the teacher, please use the word Johnnie.
Johnnie says: How did my dictate last night, Darla?

Courting
 

This is the last one but its pretty long...

----------------------
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.


Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.


He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him that she was really HOT.


Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! "Anyway," sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.


Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.


After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel... I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something.


This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.

Little Johnny is in the park eating a bag of candy, and he passes an old man sitting on a bench.
The old man says "Sonny, you shouldn't eat so much candy, it's bad for you!"
Johnny looks up and says, "Well my grandfather lived to be a hundred!"
"Did he eat a lot of candy?"
"No, he minded his own fuckin business"

-----

Little Johnny and his grandfather are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees.
The old man takes out a cigarette and lights it.

Johnny asks, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says.
"No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not big enough."

A few more minutes pass, and the old man takes a beer our of his cooler and opens it.

Johnny asks, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says.
"No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not old enough."

Time passes and they continue to fish. Little Johnny gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one.

His grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says Little Johnny.
"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather.
"Then go fuck yourself," says Johnny, "These are my cookies!"

-----

Little Johnny's father walks into the bathroom and catches him having a wank.
He says, "Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby."
The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again.
Johnny says, "Bow your head, Dad. Can't you see we're having a funeral?"

One day a 5th grade class was taking a field trip but the weather was extremely bad and the trip was to be delayed and they had to stay in a hotel for the night. So Little Johnny was sleeping in the same room as his teacher.

In the middle of the night the teacher woke up and was frightened by the sight of Johnny standing right over her.

He asked if he could sleep with her cause he couldn't sleep.

She said okay, then Johnny asked to lay a little closer and she said okay.

Then he asked if he could put his finger in her belly button and she said "NO"

"But my mommy lets me do it when I can't sleep and it helps."

So the teacher says, "Okay fine, do whatever your mom lets you do."

A few minutes later the teacher says "OH. that's not my bellybutton."

And Little Johnny says, "that's not my finger."

little johnny comes home from school and asks his dad "What is the difference between theory and reality". His dad tells him to ask his sister if she would sleep with her teacher for an A. Little johnny comes back and says "she said she would". Dad tells him to go ask his mother if she would sleep with the mailman for $1,000,000. little johnny comes back and said "mom would too". Dad say to little johnny "In theory we live with an A student and a millionare. In reality we live with two whores"

http://www.imgmag.org/images/jabrroni316/jokegross.jpg

meh.

Mwa ha ha ha ha, good stuff, keep it coming...

One day the teacher asked if anyone could use "fascinate" in a sentence. Johnny's hand shot up, but the teacher wanted to see who else would try. No one but Johnny could so she called on him.
Johnny: "The lady next door has a sweater with ten buttons"
teacher: "that's nice Johnny, but you didn't use "fascinate" "
Johnny: "but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"

Some very funny stuff.. keep em coming......

One day, the teacher tells the class they are going to have a taste test. "I am going to give you all a little of each taste on cracker, and the first one to guess each taste wins, ok children?"

So off they go with the first test, all the children take a cracker, and pretty soon Suzzie puts up her hand and says "Miss, I know this, this is apple-sauce!" "Very good suzzie, thats right".

And then the next cracker, and Billy says "I know Miss, this is Strawberry Jam". "Very good Billy, thats correct!"

Now this carries on for the next few tests, and the children are doing very well. So the teacher decides to give them a bit of a challenge, and on the next crackers she puts a drop of honey. Now, non of the children seem to recognize this, so she offers them a clue: "Now children, think of what your father calls your mother first thing in the morning...."

Johnny jumps up from behind his desk: "QUICK SPIT IT OUT! ITS ARSEHOLE FLAVOUR!!!!!!"

He he :d

This is some great stuff. I cant remember the last time I have heard a good Johnny joke before this

Little Johnny being late to school for the third time this week had to think fast when his teacher asked "Why are you late for school again Johnny?"

Johnny replied...." I was walking to school and saw a car hit a cat right in the ass!"

The teacher corrected Johnny " We don't say ass Johnny we say rectum."

Johnny replied " Rectum?! ..hell it killed 'em"

the one where johnny shits himself was the funniest damn joke i have ever heard!!!!! i just about shit my own self

does anyone remember the johnny joke with the punch line... that'll teach those indians not to fuck with the long ranger?

Little johnny is in class when his teacher asked
"who said give me liberty or give me death and in what year?"

none of the students could answer, except little Ming
"Patrick Henry 1775"

The teacher praised Ming and said " all you American students should be ashamed of yourselves, Ming here is a Japanese exchange student knew Patrick Henry said that and you didnt"

She turned to write on the blackboard when little Johnny yells

"fuck the Japanese"

the teacher turns and asked "who said that"

Little johnny replies,

"Harry Truman 1945"

Geezz.. Little Jonny is da man!! hehe..

Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden he needed to go to the bathroom.

He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're-an-eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

these are great

Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out. "If I gave you $200," the teacher began, "and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?"

"An orgy," Johnny answered.

Little Johnny is sitting with his mom at the Hair Salon while his pre-teen sister is sitting, eating a Twinkie, and anxiously awaiting her haircut. When her turn comes, she brings her Twinkie with her to the chair, and the Stylist covers her. Soon, she pulls the Twinkie out for a bite. "You're getting hair on your Twinkie," the Stylist playfully warns.

"Yeah..," pipes in Little Johnny." she's getting boobs too."

Little Johnny on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers. Every day as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say, "Hi there, little boy!"

One day Johnny stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies. They reply, "Well, that is what size we imagine your penis to be... it is just a joke..."

The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, "HI THERE, LADIES!"

Little Johnny is delivering newspapers.

He knocks on a door, a lady answers, and he says, "Collect...that'll be five dollars."

She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want, I'll give you sex instead."

Johnny says, "All right."

He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the biggest dick she's ever seen...

Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his dick.

She smiles and says, "You don't have to do that...I can take all of it."

He smiles back and says, "Not for five bucks you can't."

Little Johny is sitting in class one day when his teacher asks the class to use the word beautiful twice in the same sentence.
Little Suzie raises her hand and says "Last weekend my family and I were walking through the park when we saw a garden and my mom said 'That garden is beautiful, absolutely beautiful.'"
"Very good Suzie" says the teacher. "Can anyone else use beautiful twice in the same sentance?"
Little Johnnies hand instantly goes up and the teacher hesitantly calls on him
"last night my family was sitting around the dinner table and my sister announced that she was pregnant. My dad's response was
'Beautiful, fucking beautiful.'"

heh heh

Goo Johnny yayay yayay!!!!

I swear that's the best one I've ever heard!

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when
the stranger turned to Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly,
and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But
let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat
grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified
to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit

This is the best collection of 'little johnny' jokes I've ever seen!

hahaha damn rednecks (stereotypical ones at least)

I wish I could be little johnny....... That would give me an excuse...

these are great! why havent i heard any of these before?

A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase "Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..."

"What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked.

"Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like Shirley following me around all the time."

So the teacher comes in front of her 3rd grade class. "Class, todays vocab word is indefinitely, can anyone use it in a sentence?" Little johnny was raising his hand, but she knew better. She called on Susy.
"Because of the accident, traffic was stopped indefinitely"
"Very good Susy! How about you, Alice?"
"The accused murderer went to prison indefinitely"
"Not bad Alice, not bad." She saw the only person left with his hand raised was johnny, so she bit her lip and called on him.
"Can you use it in a sentence johnny?"
"When my dick hit the back of her cunt i knew i was in definitely!!"

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Bobby?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?"

"Well teacher, I just saw BOTH of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, and tells him - "I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"And where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teach, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"

hahah, it's great that you put all theses in one thread

very funny, all of them.

Little Johnny's my hero.:D

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

Little Johnny returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied Johnny.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father?

"That's what I said!"

lil johnny sitin in class when the teacher asked "what sound does a lion make"? mary responds with a "roar"
very good mary said the teacher.
"what sound does a cow make asked the teacher"moooooooo responds robby
very good said the teacher.
"now who can tell me what sound does a cat make"?
johnny responds with "woofa". the teacher said how can that be a cat makes a meeow sound johnny.
well miss when you dunck it in petrol & set it a lite it goes "woofa"

thank you uncle steve!:0

"What's wrong" said the forum Mod to Little Johnny.
His response was "Like I said. I don't want no FUCKING COOKIE"


To be Continued....

These are fucking hilarious! I can't believe I haven't heard these before.

Keep 'em coming, guys!

It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely.
The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble.
Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going.
"Oh, everything is going very well." She said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit."
The father asked her what had happened.
"The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear." She said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole."
"Damn!" The father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's ass before the day was over."

Uncle Steve always has his hands in the pot.

I've always heard them as "Dirty Ernie" jokes but they are good

One day a kid comes back from school, and procedes to tell his dad: "Daddy, Daddy! I had sex in school today!"

"That's great son," his dad replies, although in shock that his little son has commited such an act at such a young age.

The next day when the kid comes home from school, his dad is waiting for him.

"Did you have sex in school again today?," the dad asks.

"No," said the kid. "My ass still hurts from yesterday."

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is 'don't count your chickens until they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the Hell away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"

Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"