OMFG so funny

HE HE HEE:p

Re: Little Johnny...Classic
 

Little Johnny rocks!

(and so do the people who post these jokes!)

Great list of Little Johnny jokes.

These Jonny jokes are pure humour, and so innocent.
Ive just had a really good time reading the jokes in the thread, and If I come across any more ill make sure I post them in here.

Post more people, those are great.

Haha loved em

wow, took me ages but read and enjoyed every single one, i hopes there is more to come, some are extreamly funny, thankyou to everybody who had/will post them :)

oh man, these are great
where do you folks get these all from?

LITTLE JOHNNY AND FATHER JOSEPH:

Little Johnny was on his way back home from the store with a
loaf of bread in one hand, and his other hand in his pants
pocket.

Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little
Johnny and realizes this is the perfect opportunity to go preach the gospel of the Holy Bible to the young boy.

Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the "Staff of Life" in one hand."

"Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in
the other!"

Little Johnny for President!

http://www.littlejohnnyjoke.com/default.htm

Little Johnny rocks!! :D Keep em coming if you have anymore.

heres a funny one.....

The teacher was telling her students in the sex education class about human anatomy. She took her pointer and pointed to the picture of the female and said, "the female has two breasts and one vagina."

She then pointed to the male picture and said, "The male has one penis."

Little Johnny jumped up from his seat and said, "That's wrong teacher."

"Why do you think I'm wrong, Little Johnny?" begged the teacher.

My daddy has two of them," explained Little Johnny. "One that's about three inches long that he pees with, and another one that's about eight inches long that he brushes the babysitter's teeth with!"

another one.....


Little Johnny and Little Mary were playing doctor, on the back porch one day. Little Mary's mom happened to walk out and see them.

Shocked and furious to see her daughter's friend eating her out, she said "You're gonna get a good lickin' when daddy gets home!"

Mary replied, "But that's what Johnny's been doing all afternoon!"

hahah this one is funnyy....


Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."

This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

"Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this Little Johnny’s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"

Great thread, you can never get enough Johnny jokes!

true...true

requested by dtheriault : Lone Ranger

A teacher cautiously approached the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realized Little Johnny's
propensity for sexual innuendo. But Little Johnny remained attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asked for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raised his hand,
"I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."
"Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.
"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, Little Johnny raised his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher called on him.
"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled,
"And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"That will teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

-------------------

Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says,
"Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play." Johnny whimpers and says,
"There's no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says,
"OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?" He says,
"I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says,
"Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Johnny says,
"You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up
the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises her head and says,
"What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Johnny says,
"Get your fuckin' lazy butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

Can I use that one the next time I am telling jokes?

This is a great thread. My favorite so far is Johnny wanting to get married.

Heheheh. Here's the version I've heard:

Little Johnny went up to his dad and asked "Dad, what's the difference between Ideally and Pragmatically?"

"Johnny," Dad answered, "Go to your mom and sister and ask them if they'd sleep with a stranger for one million dollars."

Johnny went and asked and after some hemming and hawing, received two "yes" answers. He reported this back to his father.

"Ideally, Johnny, we're sitting on two million. Pragmatically, however, your mom and sister are a couple of whores."

LiL johnny jokes are the best.

Thanks lil johnny

Johnny dressed as a pirate for Halloween. He knocked on a door and was greeted by a matronly woman. "Aren't you a cute little pirate," she said. "But where are your buccaneers?"

To which Johnny replied "Under my buccan hat. Now give me some candy biatch."

gotta love little johnny

Mrs. Crabapple one day excites her class by telling them that from that point on, every Thursday she would ask a "question of the week" that, if answered correctly, would exempt the student from class on Friday. All of them eager for a three day weekend, they listen attentively in class the next week. At the end of class on Thursday, Mrs. Crabapple says, "Alright, here's the question of the week: How many drops of water are there in the Atlantic Ocean?" Confused and frustrated, the kids remain silent. The next week the same thing happens. "How many grains of sand are there in Miami Beach?" Again the students remain silent and angry. The third week little Johnny vows that this will not happen. On Thursday Johnny fills his backpack with black racquetballs. Once again the question of the week came at the end of class. "Here is the question of the week:" At that moment Johnny unzipped his backpack and gave it a nudge. Racquetballs spilled out all over the floor, bouncing up the aisles and rolling around the floor. "Dammit!" yelled Mrs. Crabapple. "Who's the comedien with the black balls?!"
"Eddie Murphy," repied little Johnny. "See you on Monday."

i've been crazy busy the last few months. thanks cybermike for the lone ranger joke.

hahaha

oh crap, that's funny

classics but greats!!!!!!!

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?", replied the man. "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

"No", replied Little Johnny, "he minded his own fucking business!!"

One day in school, Little Johnny's was learning about the weather. The teacher asked, "Class, can any one tell us what animal is usually depicted as a weather vane?"

Johnny's said, "Yes, they use a cock as a weather vane."

The teacher replied, "That's right Johnny, can anyone tell us why
they use a cock?"

And Johnny said, "Yes, if they used a pussy then the wind
would whistle right through."

TEACHER: "Johnny, why were you off school last week?"
JOHNNY: "My Dad got burnt."
TEACHER: "Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear that. Was he burnt badly?"
JOHNNY: "Oh, they don't muck about at the Crematorium."

A first grade teacher is testing her students on how to spell. She calls on little Alice and says, "Alice, can you spell cat?"

Alice hesitently replies, "c.... a.... ...t!"

"Very good!" Replies the teacher. Next she calls on another little girl. "Mary," she says, "can you spell dog?"

Mary slowly replies, "d.... o.... g!"

"Excellent, Mary!" It was at this point that she realized that little Johnny was crying in the corner with his hands over his face. "Johnny," she asked, "why are you crying?"

"*sniff* well *sniff* Alice wouldn't let me *sniff* play with her at recess *sniff* because I'm black!" replied Johnny.

"Well!" replied the teacher, "That's discrimination! Johnny, can you spell discrimination?"

fuuny one

I love this thread.

Passed on from my professor...


Little Johnny and his mother are at the airport, getting ready to board a plane. Johnny looks out the window and sees all the planes.
He tugs on his mom's jacket and asks, "Mom, if Big people have little people and Big animals have little animals, how come Big planes don't have little planes?"
Flustered, his mom tries to think of a response. After a couple seconds, she hopes he has forgotten about it, and pretends she didn't hear.
A few minutes later, Johnny asks again. Unable to come up with a good answer, Johnny's mom says "Why don't you ask the stewardness on the plane?"

Once they're on the plane, the stewardess comes by with the peanuts and drinks. Johnny asks her "If Big people have little people, and Big animals have little animals, how come Big planes don't have little planes?"
The stewardess looks and Johnny and says, "Did your mom tell you to ask me this?" Johnny nods. The stewardess says "Well, you can just tell your mom it's because Southwest always pulls out on time!"

One I haven't seen here yet:

The teacher had set the topic for show and tell as things that had changed a persons life

It came to little Jhonny's turn, and the teacher cringed as she invited him up to the front of the class.

He walked up to the chalkboard and drew a period.

The teacher asked how a period could change a persons life.

"Well", he said, "At breakfast this morning when my sister said she had missed her period, my mother fainted, my father cursed her for a whore, and the neighbor boy commited suicide."

or something similar, can't remember it correctly. Got the punchline correct, I htink. :)

good jokes.

This is the best.

A traveling salesman knocks on the door and Little Johnny answers. He's smoking a fat cigar, dropping ashes on the carpet and his breath smell of beer.
"Little boy, is your mother at home?"
Little Johnny replies, "Now what the fuck do you think?"

Little Johnny, having spent a hard day collecting rocks in the neighborhood, was having some difficulty hauling his rock-laden wagon up a hill. As he pulled, a string of obscenities flowed from his mouth at quite an alarming rate for a ten-year-old. The town's pastor, enjoying the nice day out by taking a walk down this very same street, overheard little Johnny's pottymouth and decided to intervene. "John, my son," the pastor began, "it is not becoming of youth to use such foul language. Jesus Christ, our savior, is everywhere, and He can hear you right now."

"Oh, he's everywhere?" Little Johnny looked quite intrigued. The pastor smiled, seeing that he'd piqued Johnny's interest. "Yes, my son, he is everywhere." At this point Johnny was feverish with excitement. "Is he standing next to us?"

"Yes, my son."

"Is he under this rock?"

"Yes, my son."

"Is he in my wagon?"

"Yes, my son."

"Then tell him to get the fuck out and start pushing!"

I always enjoy hearing about all the shit Johnny has gotten into lately.

hehehe, very good

Re: Lil' Johnny
 

Don't mean to be a stick in the mud, but it supposed to say, "Oh God I'm coming."

Embarressed Teacher...
 

Little Johnny was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc.
Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all of his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out into the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Johnny aside to ask him, "is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Johnny, "He works for the John Kerry campaign, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

This might be a little long, but it's a good one.

Little Johnny, curious about a new word he had heard, asked his mom, "Mom, what's fuckin'?" His mom, quite shocked that such a young boy would know such a word told him to ask his dad. When his dad heard the question, he responded with, "Well son, there's only one way to explain it, and that's to show you." So he took mom and the boy up to the bedroom and had mom strip down, lay on the bed and spread her legs. Dad then said to little Johnny, "See that hole in mommy, watch this." While dad was pounding away on mom, Johnny's sister little Suzy comes in, sees what is going on and asks Johnny, "What are they doin?" Little Johnny replies "They're fuckin'." Little Suzy asks "What's fuckin'?" To which Little Johnny replies, "See that hole in daddy? Watch this."

Monday was science day. Each child in class was supposed to bring something from home to show in class.

First up was little Suzie. She goes to the front of the class with some bugs in a jar. Suzie said, "These are grasshoppers I found in the field behind my house. I punched holes in the lid to let them breath. They eat grass."

"Very good," said the teacher, and Suzie went back to her seat.

Next up was Bobby. Bobby came to the front of the class with drawing of a volcano. He explained what forms them and how the erupt.

"Good job," said the teacher, and Bobbie returned to his seat. The rest of the class presented their science projects in much the same way. Eventually, all but Johnny had gone. The teacher reluctantly called on him to show off his project.

Johnny came to the front of the class with a shoe box. "This is a bullfrog I found in the pond behind my house," he said. "After I caught him, I broke into my neighbor's garage and stole a fire-crackers and shoved it up his ass."

"Rectum," said the teacher.

"Damn right it recked him. Blew his head clean off."

Frog have ass?

lil johnnie is da man... ~

Little Johnny is in 3rd grade. The teacher says, ok, today we're going to concentrate on 3 syllable words. I want you to say a word, and use it in a sentence.

Suzie (little suck up) raises her hand. "Beautiful. I think my teacher is VERY beautiful."
Teacher says, Oh Suzie, thank you you just made my day.

Sally raises her hand. "Wonderful. I have a WONDERFUL time in school every day"
Teacher says, oh that's so nice to hear Sally.

Eventually everyone has a turn, except for Little Johnny, who is waving his hand around wildly. Teacher, fearing the worst, says ok Johnny, what's your word?"

Johnny says "Urinate".

teacher: Johnny! Shame on you! That's hardly an appropriate word!

Johnny retorts with, oh yeah, well, urinate...........but if your tits were bigger you'd be a 10.

That was a good one! Thanks for letting me in on it.

That is the first little Johnny joke I can remember hearing, years ago.

Lovely collection of lil johnny jokes

Little Johnny went to school and said, "Teacher, my daddy can eat light bulbs." The teacher said, "Johnny don't be ridiculous, nobody can eat light bulbs."
Little Johnny says, "My daddy can. I heard him tell mommie last night that if she'd turn out the light, he'd eat it."

LOL i wish my teachers were thinking like that wen i was at school! i could'a got A's everytime.

refering to #31

LITTLE JOHNNY ON MATH

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies Johnny.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

LITTLE JOHNNY ON ENGLISH

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"
Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

Hahaahah... awesome thread! Funny stuff.

ahha i love this thread, spent the last 2.5 hours just reading them and sharing them w/ frens and family. thanks guys!

Read them all and laughed a ton. Thanks Johnny.

haha, yikes. I can't wait to have kids, they are going to be just like litle johnny!

hehe.. the last english one was great.

Thanks for all of these jokes, they are all great, you guys rock! I'll be looking for some to share.

Awesome jokes people, thanks for the laughs!

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. . . and I'm amazed that I can chip in here with one that I didn't see!

Little Johnny comes home from school one day with a new word, finding his mother in the kitchen he asks her "Mom, what's fucking?" A little taken aback Mom stammers a moment and then tells little Johnny, "That means getting dressed."

A couple of days later Johnny hears another new word at school that he springs on his mother, "Mom, what's shit?" Again caught off guard Mom thinks fast and replies, "That means food, son."

About a week goes by and sure enough Little Johnny comes home with another one, "Mom, what's an asshole?" Getting used to this by now Mom tells him, "That's another word for a preacher."

Well, as fate would have it the preacher was going to be joining Little Johnny and his parents for Sunday dinner that week, after spending all day cooking Mom and Dad go upstairs to get dressed, leaving the seven-course dinner on the table in the dining room and Little Johnny to anwser the door should the preacher arrive while they're dressing. The doorbell rings and Little Johnny opens it to be greeted by the preacher, "Hello Little Johnny." Johnny, attempting to broaden his mind and show the preacher that he is well educated answers, "Hi, Asshole! The shit's on the table and Mom and Dad are upstairs fucking!"

Yeah, I just bet you didn't see that one coming a mile away!

Biggest compilation of Johny evar. Thanks guys.

One day at school, the science teacher decided that she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette."

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her
students: "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a
prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the
toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a pee."
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your
part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be
back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word
"toilet," during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to
go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to
introduce you to after dinner."

Little Johnny's teacher is showing the kid's pictures of animals and having the kids guess what kind of an animal is shown. She holds up the monkey, the giraffe, the zebra and the kids diligently raise their hands and guess.

When the teacher holds up a picture of huge 19 point buck the kids just can't seem to guess what it is. Finally, the teacher turns to little Johnny and says, "Johnny, you should get this one, what does you mom sometimes call your dad around the house?

Johnny thinks for a moment real hard and then finally smiles knowingly and blurts out: "So that's what a horney bastard looks like!"

Im only on page 3 and dont have all night to read all of these so I hope mine has not been already posted.

Johnny and his parents just moved from Alabama to New York and Johnny is going into the 3rd grade. On the first day of school Johnny's teacher asks the kids to count to 100. None of the kids could do it but Johnny not only counted to 100 but all the way to 1000. He rushed home and told his dad. "I counted all the way to 1000 today in class and none of the other students could do it. Why is that?" His dad replied, "Well you're so smart because you're from Alabama."

The 2nd day of school the teacher asked the kids to recite the alphabet. None of the kids could get past K but Johnny made it all the way to the end. After school he ran home and told his dad, "Dad I made it through the whole alphabet and none of the other students could get past K! Why is that?" His dad replied, "Well you're so smart because you're from Alabama."

On the 3rd day of school Johnny just finished Gym class and he and his classmates were in the locker room showering. Johnny looked around and noticed that his penis was so much larger than anyone else in his class. He ran home and told his dad, "Hey dad! After gym today the guys were taking a shower in the locker room and I noticed that I was so much bigger than they were! Why is that?" His dad replied, "Thats because your 21."

CRX Forum

haahahaa..this one made my night! haahhha... reminds me of a friend who was teasing me..he wanted to call me a womaniser..and he say " You are a womaniser! W-O-M-A-N- err... W-O-M-A........ " haahaha retard! funny fella. :)

wow these are hilarious, i read all of them, took me like an hour, got me through class :) thanks everyone

Little Johnny asked for a new bicycle for his birthday.
"Son, we'd love to give you a new bike but our home mortgage is $280,000, your mother just lost her job, and there's just no way we can afford it," said his father.
The next morning, Dad caught Little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase.
"Johnny? Where are you going?"
"I'm leaving!" replied Little Johnny indignantly.
"But why, son?"
"Well, Dad, last night, when I passed your room, I heard you tell Mom you were pulling out, and then she told you to wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'm staying here alone with a $280,000 mortgage and no bicycle!"

In a similar vein to post #47...

One day in school the teacher decided to play a letter/word association game.

"I'll say a letter, and you tell me something that starts with that letter. Does anyone know a word that starts with the letter 'A'?"

Johnny raises his hand, but the teacher knows all too well what word Johnny is thinking of. She calls on Mary.

"'A' is for 'apple'", says Mary.

"That's very good mary", the teacher exclaims. "Who knows a word that starts with 'B'?"

Johnny's hand shoots into the air, his face painted with excitement.

Seeing Johnny, but thinking the better of it, the teacher calls on Sam.

"'B' is for 'boy'", Sam says proudly.

This carries on throughout the alphabet, with Johnny getting increasingly excited by the letters C, D, F, and S, and many in between.

Finally they get to the letter W. No one raises their hand. After a slight pause, Johnny's hand slowly raises. The teacher thinks thru the list of naughty words she knows and none of them start with a W. Since Johnny is still the only child with his hand in the air, she reluctantly calls his name.

"OK, Johnny... what's a word that starts with 'W'?"

Johnny beams, "Womb!"

Relieved, she says, "That's fantastic Johnny... Womb... the part inside a mommy where babies grow".

Johnny, puzzled, says, "Where babies grow? No... I'm talking about WOMB!", gesturing by sticking his arms out and jerking them back to his body over and over. "You know... like two elephants fuckin'! WHOOM! WHOOM! WHOOM!"

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN....

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock
City and
I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to
use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before. She
finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate",
so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried. :D

cool boy KEEPIT UP

Lil Johnny is So Smart
 

*Bumpy*:D

Hope everyone wil appreciate my contribution to this fine thread.
I came across this joke because it was entitled "Little Eddy...", but I thought to just change the name, and presto chango, you got a great Lil Johnny Joke.

It is a bit long, but an instant gold classic with more punchlines and naughty innuendo than you can believe.
Here goes:

--------------
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny, what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Eddy to the principal's office.

While Johhny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him, and he agreed to take the test. And so the examination commenced:
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnny: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade student should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Would you allow me to ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agreed.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Johnny, after a moment of deep thought, answers "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!?
Johnny replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: What does a dog do that a man steps into?
Johnny: Pants
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge.
Johnny: Shake hands
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Johnny: Bubblegum
Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Johnny: Coconut
The principal was now feeling a bit flustered by the onslaught of such unnerving questions.
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Johnny: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Johnny: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Johnny: Wedding Ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Johnny: Nose
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Johnny: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Johnny: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."
----------
HaHa :thumbsup:

LITTLE JOHNNY: I wanna get in your pants.
SUSIE: Why?
LITTLE JOHNNY: Because I shit in mine.

Clever Johnny
 

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand.
"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up...I'll get my hat."

rats!
 

--------------
Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents' bedroom.
He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room.
Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on.
Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom.
"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny.
His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his son.
"I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice." replied his father.
Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said, "Well, what are you doing?
Fucking them?"
--------------

ok read all of them and i never saw this one so here it is .

the teacher is standing in the classroom doorway greeting all the kids as they arrive.
good morning mary ........good morning miss
good morning sally ........good morning miss
good morning johnny ...........get fucked miss

well now johnny you can just go stand in the corner and think about what you said .
the morning rolls on and its lunch time........ok children you can all go out and play , not you johnny.
you can come here and i will ask you a question on geography if you can answer me properly you can go out with the other children,
johnny where is the paskistan border ........, and johnny says that bastard is at home in bed with mum and thats why i never got any breakfast and thats why i aint in a good fukin mood

Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"

The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

-----------------------

Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden barf attack impending. "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!" She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you." So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face. "Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"

"I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."

------------------

Johnny asks father: "Does grampa still have sex with granny?"

Father replies: "I'm sorry, son, but they both are much too old to have sex."

Johnny asks grandpa: "Do you still have sex with granny?"

Grandpa says: "Yes, but only oral."

Johnny asks: "What is oral?"

Grandpa says: "I say fuck you, she says fuck you, too."

--------------------

:D hee, I have more....

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher,
indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the
differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit
down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her
bedroom, and closes the door.

- First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse...

So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

- Ok, now take off my skirt...

And he takes off her skirt.

- Now take off my bra...

Which he does.

- And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.

And when Johnny finishes removing those, she says,

"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.

Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.

Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

little johnny goes to his first day of school

comes back with a homeweork book full of math

he does it ALL before even eating

his dady asks him "why the fuck are you so eager to do your math"

little johnny relies "dad, as soon as i walked into the classroom i knew they were serious about math.... they nailed some poor fucker to a plus sign"

this one makes a lot more sense if you mention that it's a parochial school

Little Johnny's dad and grandfather were sorting out their pigs. They did this by dad handing a little pig to his father, who promptly dangled the pig by the tail which he held between his teeth, then stated the pig's weight and wrote it down. Seems grandfather was really good at this and could weigh a pig to within a couple of ounces.
After weighing most of the pigs, dad asked little Johnny to go up to the house and get them all a drink. Upon his return, dad asked little Johnny what mom was doing.......and so Johnny replied, " I think she's weighing the UPS man."

It's summertime and Johnny is on break. His mother, tired of seeing him lounge around the house all day notices a new house being built across the street.


"Johnny," she says, "instead of laying around like a bum why don't you go across the street and see if you can learn something about what it takes to build a house."

Johnny grumbles, crawls up off the couch and shuffles across the street. A few minutes later Johnny's mom glances out the window again and she notices Johnny zipping around, picking up tools and disappearing back in the house. "Finally. Maybe he's found his true calling," she thinks.

A few minutes before five Johnny comes walking in the front door. He looks exhausted, but he has a big smile on his face.

"Well, Johnny, did you learn anything about what it takes to build a house?" his mom asks.

"I sure did!," Johnny says, obviously excited, "First you frame the fucking wall, then you screw on the fucking drywall. Then you put the fucking windows in and hang the fucking doors and if the fuckers won't close right, you shim them a cunt hair till they do!"

Johnny's mom, flabbergasted, sends him to his room with a "Wait till your father hears this."

A few minutes later Johnny's father comes home from work and Johnny's mother tells him what had happened. Johnny's father goes to the boys room and says, "All right son, tell me what you said to your mother that got her all upset."

Johnny says, "Sure! If you want to build a house first you frame the fucking wall, then you screw on the fucking drywall. Then you put the fucking windows in and hang the fucking doors and if the fuckers won't close right, you shim them a cunt hair till they do!"

Red with anger, Johnny's dad tells him, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to spank you. I want you to go outside and get me a switch."

Johnny looks at him indignantly and says, "Fuck you bitch, that's the electrician's job."

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grown ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

i have never seen so many lil johnny jokes. but damn, they funny.

thanks for all who shared. . . wish i had one to add

Little Johnny wanders up to his dad who's fixing the lawnmower....Hey Dad, what's sex?

Shit, thinks Dad....I wasn;t ready for that one....

Well, son, it's when..um..er, when two people .... this goes on for a while until he eventually gets the whole issue out with Little Johnny paying attention...

When he's finished he asks Little Johnny ... Why the question about sex now Johnny?

Oh,...Mum told me to come out and tell you dinner would be ready in a couple of secs.....

you make the day

two boys are smoking weed in a tree one says tho the other gee wiz how the hell are we going to get down from here one says well lets get the uncle toms ladder at his house then we can use it. So they get down and get the ladder and come up the tree and get back up then get down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Little Johnny and little Sally were in the sandbox together.

Little Johnny said to Sally, "I'll show you mine if you show me yours".

Little Sally said, "Ok". Then Little Sally said, "How come I don't have one of those"? "I don't know, why don't you ask your mother", said Johnny.

The next day Little Sally comes back to the sandbox.

"Hey, did you ask your mother why you don't have one of these"? asked little Johnny.

"Ya, said little Sally, "she said if I have one of these, I can have all of those I want"!

(did a quick search; didn't see anything like this...hope it's not a repeat...)


One day Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parent’s room to
check it out.

He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at
it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny
closed the door.

After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened
his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny
going at it behind her.

Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"

Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when it’s your mom is it?

Vovochka is the Russian Little Johnny, so it fits here.

In biology class, the teacher draws a cucumber on the board: "Children, could someone tell me what this is?" Vovochka raises his hand: "It's a dick, Marivanna!" Maria Ivanovna bursts into tears and runs out. In a minute the principal bursts in: "All right, what did you do now? It's something new every day! Yesterday you break a window, and today...," he looks around, "...and today you draw a dick on the blackboard?"

The teacher asks the class to produce a word that starts with the letter "A"; Vovochka happily raises his hand and says "Asshole!" The teacher, shocked, responds "For shame! There's no such word!" "That's strange," says Vovochka, "the asshole exists, but the word doesn't!"

So, the teacher asks her class, "What is the only animal that stutters?". Little mary raises her hand and answers "Only humans can stutter". The teachers says "That's right Mary". Little Johnny blurts out "That's not true, my cat stutters"! The teacher replies "No Johnny, cats don't stutter". Insistently Johnny goes on, "Yes cats do too stutter. Yesterday I was in my back yard with my cat, and a big dog got in the yard, My cat said (cat hissing sound) Phhh, Phhh, and before he could say Phuck, the dog got him.

wanna more of lil johnny

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, to whom I hope to introduce you after dinner.''

The teacher fainted.

Lol, Johnny is my hero:thumbsup:

"All right class," says Ms. Jones, "today we're going to talk about where babies come from."
Johnny's hand shoots into the air at the back of the room.
"Can any of you tell me where babies come from?" Ms. Jones asks, trying to ignore the frantically waving hand. "Don't be shy; can any of you share what you know with the rest of the class?"
Johnny is turning pink and purple and slightly bluish from holding his breath. The class is silent.
"All right Johnny," she says, "what can you tell us?"
"Well," Johnny begins, "first mommy and daddy have to love each other very much. Then they have to get reeeeeeally close together and kiss and wish for a baby, and then one day a stork brings them the baby."
Ms. Jones smiles with surprise and relief.
"But there's something I don't get," Johnny says.
"What's that?" she asks.
"Who fucks the stork?"

little johnny was riding a tricycle up a hill and one wheel popped off
johnny said god damnit and the preacher said dont say god damnit say god bless
so johnny put the wheel back on and went back up the hill when all three wheels came off and johny said god!!!
the preacher said to say god bless so johnny obliged this time and said god bless
suddenly a heavenly light appeared all three wheels popped back on and the preacher said god damn!!!

hahahahaha - I thought I'd heard them all. Good one! :)