Geek Jokes...please contribute
 

I suppose someone had to start a thread like this...


A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.
The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a
beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room.
The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every
five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its
current location and the woman on the bed." The mathematician looks
at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through
this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms
out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the
physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes
light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused.
"Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?" The physicist smiles
and replied, "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical
purposes!"

ouch.

And who better to start it than you! Thanks!

well, guys, keep it alive...

Heh. Niiiice. Not like a math geek would know what to do once he got there anyway. :D

ha

Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you
guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and
stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need
is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better,
like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."

Nice one.

A mathematician visited a native american reservation.

He spoke with an old native american woman who was sitting on a buffalo pelt. She said, "My son runs so fast, he can reach that mountain all the way over there by sundown."

Then he spoke with a woman sitting on a coyote pelt. She said, "My son is so strong, he can wrestle a buffalo to the ground."

Then he spoke with a woman sitting on a hippopotamus skin. She said, "I have no sons. But <i>I</i> can run to the mountain before sundown, and <i>I</i> can wrestle a buffalo to the ground."

Then the mathematician realized that the squah of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squahs of the other two hides.

I've just emit a sort of half-groan, half-laugh sound. Uh, a graph, if you will...
Not sure if that was a really, really bad attempt at humour, but I meant it. Gosh I'm tired.

Did you hear the one about the statistician?

Probably....

that was great, rat...

What's the difference between a Quantum Theorist and a Beauty Consultant?

The Theorist uses Plank's constant as a foundation, where the Beauty Consultant uses Max Factor as a foundation.

OK, here we go...

Why won't Heisenbergs' operators live in the suburbs?

They don't commute.

*wince*

go wild, pete...

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"How much will that be?" he asks.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge".

Here are some more.....

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain) An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter) A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin) A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are all challenged with a
problem: to fry an egg when there is a fire in the house. The
engineer just grabs a huge bucket of water, runs over to the fire, and
puts it out. The physicist thinks for a long while, and then measures
a precise amount of water into a container. He takes it over to the
fire, pours it on, and with the last drop the fire goes out. The
mathematician pores over pencil and paper. After a few minutes he
goes "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to frying the egg.

Sequel: This time they are asked simply to fry an egg (no fire). The
engineer just does it, kludging along; the physicist calculates
carefully and produces a carefully cooked egg; and the mathematician
lights a fire in the corner, and says "I have reduced it to the
previous problem."

A physicist and a mathematician setting in a faculty lounge.
Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist grabs a
bucket and leaps towards the sink, fills the bucket with water and
puts out the fire. The second day, the same two sit in the same
lounge. Again, the coffee machine catches on fire. This time, the
mathematician stands up, gets a bucket, hands the bucket to the
physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one.

oh no, these jokes. They hurt so good

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are staying in three
adjoining cabins at a decrepit old motel.

First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire on the bathroom vanity.
He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs it, throws it out the window,
and goes back to sleep.

Later that night the physicist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees
that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to
himself, "Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the
temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning
material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying
water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall,
turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep.

The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the
window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the
bedsheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He immediately
sees that the problem reduces to one that has already been solved and
goes back to sleep.

A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question:

Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and
a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do?

P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out
the fire.

M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out
the fire.

Then they were asked this question:

Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to
a hydrant. What would you do?

P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.

M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire,
reducing the problem to a previously solved form.

A hydrogen atom and an oxygen atom are talking in a bar. Suddenly the hydrogen atom looks shocked and says, "I think I've lost an electron!"

The oxygen atom says, "Are you sure?"

The hydrogen atom replies, "Yes, I'm positive!"

I'm only half smart enough to get these, but what I understand is funny in a groan inducing sort of way.

good one

e^x and x^2 go to a party. x^2 is having a great time at the party, mingling with everyone and laughing it up. He sees e^x sitting off in a corner by himself, not socializing at all. He comes up to e^x and says, "Why don't you integrate?" e^x says, "Dude, it doesn't matter..."

There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living. They
went to see a counselor, and he decided that they had good problem
solving skills.

He tried a test to narrow the area of specialty. He put each man in a
room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the table. He said
"Boil the water". Both men moved the pot from the table to the stove
and turned on the burner to boil the water. Next, he put them into a
room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the floor. Again,
he said "Boil the water". The first man put the pot on the stove and
turned on the burner. The counselor told him to be an Engineer,
because he could solve each problem individually. The second man
moved the pot from the floor to the table, and then moved the pot from
the table to the stove and turned on the burner. The counselor told
him to be a mathematician because he reduced the problem to a
previously solved problem.

Great thread, unclephil!
Thanks for the contribs all of you!
I'll be stopping in to check out this thread a lot, I hope!

heh, Peetster, "no charge"...

These are some excellent jokes!

did you know 80% of all statistics are made up on the spot?

I thought it was 67%....


I understand all these jokes! I'm a NERD! NNNNOOOOO!!! I hear alarms! They scream... NERD ALERT! NERD ALERT! NERD ALERT!.... there seems to be panic and confusion everywhere! And somehow I feel perfectly comfortable....

I thought it was 69%

To tell a difference between a mathematician and an engineer, perform
this experiment. Put an empty kettle in the middle of the kitchen
floor and tell your subjects to boil some water.

The engineer will fill the kettle with water, put it on the stove, and
turn the flame on. The mathematician will do the same thing.

Next, put the kettle already filled with water on the stove, and ask
the subjects to boil the water. The engineer will turn the flame on.
The mathematician will empty the kettle and put it in the middle of
the kitchen floor... thereby reducing the problem to one that has
already been solved!

phil you've told the same damn joke in 46 variations

So a mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are out hunting
together. They spy a deer(*) in the woods.

The physicist calculates the velocity of the deer and the effect of
gravity on the bullet, aims his rifle and fires. Alas, he misses; the
bullet passes three feet behind the deer. The deer bolts some yards,
but comes to a halt, still within sight of the trio.

"Shame you missed," comments the engineer, "but of course with an
ordinary gun, one would expect that." He then levels his special
deer-hunting gun, which he rigged together from an ordinary rifle, a
sextant, a compass, a barometer, and a bunch of flashing lights which
don't do anything but impress onlookers, and fires. Alas, his bullet
passes three feet in front of the deer, who by this time wises up and
vanishes for good.

"Well," says the physicist, "your contraption didn't get it either."

"What do you mean?" pipes up the mathematician. "Between the two of
you, that was a perfect shot!"


(*) How they knew it was a deer:

The physicist observed that it behaved in a deer-like manner, so it
must be a deer.

The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing it
to a previously solved problem.

The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer, therefore it was a deer.

No, he's just reduced each joke to a previously used punchline.

-Mikey

Some units of measurement:

Unit of beauty required to launch one ship = milli-Helen
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
1 millionth mouthwash = 1 microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = Mach Turtle
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling = 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = bananosecond
A Half-Bath = 1 demijohn
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single step," the first step of a one-mile journey = 1 Milwaukee
1 million microphones = 1 phone
1 million phones = 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
365.25 days = 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
1 million billion picolos = 1 gigolo
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
10 monologs = 5 dialogs
5 dialogs = 1 decalog
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 wharves = 1 paradox

-Mikey

A computer scientist, mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were
travelling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the
window of the train.

"Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."

"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are
black."

"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least
one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is
black!"

"Oh, no!" shouts the computer scientist, "A special case!"

XD. I so want to hit you...,

A good thread, for all practical purposes.

A Mathematician (M) and an Engineer (E) attend a lecture by a
Physicist. The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical
processes that occur in spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even
higher. The M is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the E
is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled. By the end
the E has a terrible headache. At the end, the M comments about the
wonderful lecture. The E says "How do you understand this stuff?"
M: "I just visualize the process."
E: "How can you POSSIBLY visualize something that occurs in
9-dimensional space?"
M: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 9."

heh heh.
Just a kudos on this thread.
I check in daily and take these to work!
Thanks, all.

A scientist once accidently ingested some alpha-L-glucose with no ill effects. Aparently he was ambidextrose.

A mechanical engineer, electrical engineer and a programmer were out driving one day when the car died. The mechE was certain that it was a drive train issue, while the EE suggested an electrical solution.

The programmer said, "I don't know what's wrong, but if we all get out of the car, then get back in, it should work."

What is "pi"?

Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
circumference of a circle and its diameter.

Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927plus or minus 0.000000005

Engineer: Pi is about 3.

Posted over an inn: "Heisenberg might have slept here"

Seen on the door to a light-wave lab:
"Do not look into laser with remaining good eye."

When considering the behavior of a howitzer:

A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land.

A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there.

An engineer will stand there and try to catch it.

no thats just brilliant :)
had my final exam on physics lasst monday :)

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train.

The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all).

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

the one with the blue...

just great !

A man is walking down the street. He looks over and sees a frog sitting there on the sidewalk. The frog looks up and says in a sweet voice, "I am really a princess. If you kiss me just once, I will return to my human form and do anything for you." The man picks up the frog, looks at it, and places it in his pocket. He then heads on his way again. Shortly a voice is heard from his pocket: "Didn't you hear me? If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything for you." The man takes the frog froms his pocket, looks at it for a moment, and returns is to his pocket.

Shortly the voice is heard again, this time with a frustrated tone: "Hey! What's wrong with you?! I said if you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you want!"

The man pulls out the frog and says to it, "Look, I'm a computer science student. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is kind of neat."

Why did Microsoft hire Gary Hart to announce their delivery schedules?

To improve their credibility.

What is the difference between a used-car salesman and a computer salesman?

The used-car salesman knows when he's lying to you!

Lunch, the Hewlitt Packard Way


This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPU's, no screaming disc drives, just the kind of psychological torture that scars a man for life.

I had a 9:00 meeting with my sales rep. I needed to buy an entire new series 70, the works. He said it'd take about an hour. Three hours later, we'd barely got the datacomm hardware down on paper, so he invited me downstairs for lunch.

This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service counter was a menu which began...



MMU's (Main Menu Units)

0001A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
Must order comdiments 00110A separately

001 Deletes seeds.
002 Expands burger to two patties.

00020A Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese,
bun and condiments.

001 Add-on bacon.
002 Delete second patty.
003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese.

00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger

001 From Single Burger.
002 From Double Burger.
003 Return credit for bun.

00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A

001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.

My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer. The waitress looked at me like I was an alien.

"How would you like to order that, sir?"

"Quickly, if possible. Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink?"

"No sir. All our service is menu driven. Now what would you like?"

I scanned the menu. "How big is the 00010 burger?"

"The patty is rated at eight bites."

"Well, how about the rest of it?"

"I dont have the specs on that, sir, but I think it's a bit more."

"Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade."

My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option 002 'expands burger to two patties'. The double burger upgrade would give you two burgers.

"But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress chimed in, trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented."

I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a couple in line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who merely mowed me down in the parking lot with his cherry-red '62 Vette. He was talking to some woman who was waving her arms around and looking very excited.

"What if... we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetable option and without the burger and cheese? It'd be a BLT!"

The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running steeplechases over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my attention again. "Have you decided, sir?"

"Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean the 00020A with the option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down for the Condiment Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and pickles with a option to substitute relish.

"Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too."

"That's not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product." My sales rep butted in again. "That's not a supported configuration."

"What now?" I kept my voice steady.

"Too juicy. The bun can't handle it."

"Look. Forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it."

The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but that's not supported either, the bun can take it but the burger won't fit in the box. The sales rep defended himself. "Just not at first release." "It is being beta-tested, sir."

I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 000210A, option 110. French followed by option 120, English. "What the hell are English Fries?" I turned to the sales rep. "Chips they call them. We sell a lot of them."

I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle." The confused the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option is configured only for series 00450 Milkshakes." My sales rep chuckles. "No ma'am, he just wants a standard 00220A off the shelf. I wondered how long it had been on the shelf. I didn't ask.

"Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh off relief. "Your meal is now on order. Now how would you like it supported?"

"Support?" She directed me to the green shaded area at the bottom of the menu, and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that I'll never forget.

"Implementation assistance?"

"You get a waiter."

"Implementation analysis?"

You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat."

"Response Center Support?"

"He brings it to your table."

"Extended materials?"

"You get refills."

I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She gave me my check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it on my way to the table, and decided it'd pass as an emergency napkin.

Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He hadn't been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table waiter slouching in his corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at me and said, "Two weeks. But I can get you a standalone chair by the window right away."

I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cups of chile and sauerkraut for the hot dog somebody else had ordered. The room began to grom dim, my eyesight faded...

I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It was five AM, four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, I did what it told me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in sick.

A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software--regardless of how insignificant," said the master.

"Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.

"It is," came the reply.

"Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.

"It is even in a video game," said the master.

"And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"

The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is over for today," he said.

This is a little outdated, but one I always found amusing

=========================================

The year is 1999, and the government is extremely worried about Y2K crashing all their systems. Unfortunately, as all their software is written in COBOL, they have to bring an old COBOL programmer out of retirement.

The programmer agrees to the task, and begins looking through all the government's code. For months he pours himself over all the software, but the more he looks, the more grim the situation appears. He keeps going until he finally realizes that the world will be doomed come Jan 1, 2000. Computers will crash, planes will fall from the skies, and the stock markets around the world will collapse. He decides that he cannot live in such an apocolyptic world, so he runs away to have his body cryogenically frozen, with instructions to be woken up in the future when all these problems have been solved.

Fast forward 8000 years later. The programmer is unfrozen and when he finally regains his sight, he sees before him an advanced race of human beings.

"Why have I been unfrozen?", he asks. "Have all the problems of the year 2000 finally been solved?"

"Yes", replies one of the advanced humans. "They were solved many generations ago. However, that is not the reason we have unfrozen you. The year is 9999. In about 3 months, it will be the year 10,000, and we understand you know COBOL."

that's great, quad...keep them coming...

some of the best!

With such a large selection of programming languages it can be difficult to choose one for a particular project. Reading the manuals to evaluate the languages is a time consuming process. On the other hand, most people already have a fairly good idea of how various automobiles compare. So in order to assist those trying to choose a language, we have prepared a chart that matches programming languages with comparable automobiles.



Assembler
A Formula I race car. Very fast, but difficult to drive and expensive to maintain.

FORTRAN II
A Model T Ford. Once it was king of the road.

FORTRAN IV
A Model A Ford.

FORTRAN 77
A six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and no seat belts.

COBOL
A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly, but it does the work.

BASIC
A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched upholstry. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive. You'll ditch the car as soon as you can afford a new one.

PL/I
A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two- tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield

C
A black Firebird, the all-macho car. Comes with optional seat belts (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to assembler).

ALGOL 60
An Austin Mini. Boy, that's a small car.

Pascal
A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once popular with intellectuals.

Modula II
A Volkswagon Rabbit with a trailer hitch.

ALGOL 68
An Astin Martin. An impressive car, but not just anyone can drive it.

LISP
An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are not available.

PROLOG/LUCID
Prototype concept-cars.

Maple/MACSYMA
All-terrain vehicles.

FORTH
A go-cart.

LOGO
A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real engine and a working horn.

APL
A double-decker bus. Its takes rows and columns of passengers to the same place all at the same time. But, it drives only in reverse gear, and is instrumented in Greek.

Ada
An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering, power brakes and automatic transmission are all standard. No other colors or options are available. If it's good enough for the generals, it's good enough for you. Manufacturing delays due to difficulties reading the design specification are starting to clear up.

Micro was a real-time operator and a dedicated multi-user. His broadband protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time-sharing.

One evening he arrived home just as the Sun was crashing, and had parked his Motorola 68000 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that morning), when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy wheels in his garden. He though to himself, "She looks user-friendly. I'll see if she'd like an update tonight."

He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32 bit floating point processors, and inquired, "How are you, Honeywell?" "Yes, I am well," she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions.

Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight," he said. "How about computing a vector to my base address? I'll output a byte to eat and maybe we could get offset later on."

Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then transmitted 8K, "I've been recently dumped myself and a new page is just what I need to refresh my disk packs. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside." She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, what a global variable! I wonder if she'd like my firmware?"

They sat down at the process table to a top of form feed of fiche and chips and a bottle of Baudot. Mini was in conversational mode and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave occasional acknowledgements although, in reality, he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He finally settled on the old line, "Would you like to see my benchmark subroutine?" but Mini was again one clock tick ahead.

Suddenly, she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of her operating system. "Let's get BASIC, you RAM" she said. Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware policing module had a processor of its own and was in danger of overflowing its output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had consulted his analyst about. "Core," was all he could say, as she prepared to log him off.

Micro soon recovered, however, when she went down on the DEC and opened her device files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root device and was about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when she attempted an escape sequence.

"No, no!" she cried. "You're not shielded!"

"Reset, baby," he replied. "I've been debugged."

"But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child processes," she protested.

"Don't run away," he said. "I'll generate an interrupt."

"No!" she squealed. "That's too error prone and I can't abort because of my design philosophy."

But Micro was locked in by this stage and could not be turned off. Mini stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.

"Computers!" she thought as she compiled herself. "All they ever think of is hex!"

Sorry for this one in advance...

Why do geeks get Halloween and Christmas confused?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

In the Apple vs. IBM/Microsoft lawsuit, Apple is ahead on points. After a long weekend of preparation, the Apple lawyer met the IBM lawyer outside the courtroom and was overheard to say, "You look like I feel."

Soon available at checkout counters everywhere:


*NATIONAL COMP SCI ENQUIRER*


EXCLUSIVE PHOTO: Turing machine with two heads!

STARTLING EVIDENCE: LISP came from Mars?

SHOCKING EXPOSE: Illegal core dumping in Lake Erie!

TRUE STORY: Man inverts singular matrix and lives to tell!

REVELATION: Top scientist discovers New Jersey on Karnaugh map!

OS SCANDAL: Unix and Ms. Dos found in love nest!

PSYCHIC PREDICTS: Fixed points will break again!

CIA SECRET: Proof of P=NP found in UFO!

ANALYSTS PANIC: Prime numbers missing from IEEE floating point?

SOFTWARE REVOLUTION: Marxists scheme classless Smalltalk!

KnowWare, Inc. announces the following word processing products:


PAIR-O-DOCS - A split-screen basic text editor.

LINE-O-TYPE - A complete WYSIWYGLY Desktop Publishing system.

XY-MORON - A scientific document system, extremely easy-to-use.

WORD WAR I - Specialized editor for defense contractors.

LEFT WRITE - A TSR utility that remaps the keyboard for left-handed typists.

MAC-ULET (University Level Editing Tool) - Oriented to thesis writing.

YAYA (Yet Another YACC Alternative) - A first text editor for grammar schools.

LET US 123 - A basic mathematics teaching package.

All products will be shipping shortly. (We thought of the names already; how long could it take to write them?).

Also announcing a product to be available in the next quarter (century):

LASER TURBO HYPETEX II-PLUS - An object-oriented AI-based 5th-generation vaporware prototyping environment, including proprietary and patented Integrated Buzzword Manufacturing (IBM).

B.T.W., MAC and YACC are S.E.T. (Somebody Else's Trademarks).

DP Man
(sung to the tune "Piano Man" by Billy Joel)


It's eight o'clock on a Monday,
The programming crowd staggers in,
There's a user by my terminal,
With drool running off of his chin.
He says, "Son, can you code me some processing,
I'm not really sure what I want,
But it's short and it's sweet and it's NP-complete
And it has to be finished by lunch."

Chorus:

They say, "Write us some code, you're the DP man,
Write us some code today,
'Cause we need this report for the CEO,
And he wants it by yesterday."

Now, Tim at the console's a friend of mine,
He bumps up my priority,
And he'll bum me a smoke or some Twinkies and Coke,
But there's someplace that he'd rather be.
He said, "Paul, I believe it's a dead-end here,"
As the smile ran away from his face,
"But I'm sure I could find work with IBM,
If I could get out of this place."

Now, Mark is a frustrated racing man,
Whose license is riding on luck,
And he's talking with Jeff who scares mopeds to death,
With those forty-inch tires on his truck.
Well, it's pretty good code for a Monday,
And my team leader gives me a smirk,
'Cause he knows that it's me they'll be coming to see,
When they find out that it didn't work.

And the keyboard, it clicks like a tickertape
And the CRT screams like a jet,
And they walk by my cube and throw pens at my tube,
And say, "Man, ain't they fixed that thing yet ?"
And the old hands are screaming to standardize,
As the patches and kludges pile up,
'Cause this place is a hacker's own paradise:
It's a string-handling-in-Fortran shop.

TOO MANY BAD JOKES!!! AAAHHHH

I once got an especially helpful reply to a question I asked on Microsoft's on-line tech support service. I wrote back to thank them for a complete and concise reply, and said how much I appreciated it.

The next day I had a response:

"We are looking into the problem and will contact you with a solution as soon as possible."

Why was Stonehenge abandoned?

It wasn't IBM compatible.

What is the square root of 4*b^2 ?

Two be, or not two be.

------------------------------------------------

There are 10 types of people in this world.. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

A computer salesman, a hardware engineer, and a software engineer are driving in a car together. Suddenly the right rear tire blows out, ahd the car rolls to a stop. Our three heroes pile out to investigate.

The salesman tsk-tsks sadly. "Time to buy a new car!" he announces.

Says the hardware engineer, "Well, first let's try swapping the front and rear tires, and see if that fixes it."

Replies the software engineer, "Naw, let's just try driving the car again, and maybe the problem will go away by itself."

us geeks and dorks are so predictable!

There was a mad scientist (a mad SOCIAL scientist) who kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no can opener.

A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,and escaped.

The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory.

The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising solution to the kissing problem; his desicated corpse was propped calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood:


THEOREM: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
PROOF: Assume the opposite ...

what is the differance between a constipated mathematition and a constipated engineer???

the matheematician can work it out with a pencil, the engineer needs to use a slide rule

The IBM salesman and the IBM system analyst went to spend a weekend in the forest, hunting bear.

They hired a log cabin, and when they got there, took their backpacks off and put them inside.

At which point the salesman said to the systems analyst: "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."

The analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat outside to await events. He did not have to wait too long.

Soon he could hear noises in the forest. The noises got nearer - and suddenly there was the salesman, running across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and most ferocious Brown Bears the analyst had ever seen.

"Open the door!" shouted the salesman. The analyst opened the door. The salesman ran to the door, suddenly stopped, and stepped aside.

The Bear carried by its momentum, continued though the door and disappeared inside.

The salesman promptly shut the door on it, turned, looked at the analyst, and said:

"Ok, you skin that one while I go rustle us up another."

The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.

-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers

Heard about the doctor, engineer, and programmer who were debating what the world's oldest profession was (other than the obvious one)? The doctor said that medicine was the oldest because the Lord performed surgery in the removal of Adam's rib. The engineer countered that before that act, the Lord had performed feats of engineering by creating the earth and heavens from nothing.

The doctor conceded that the engineer was right and that engineering was indeed the oldest profession. But then the programmer interjected that programming was even older. He was chided by both the doctor and the engineer saying that engineering had to be the oldest, because before the Lord engineered the earth and heavens, there was nothing, only the Great Void, only Chaos!

The programmer simply smiled and said:

"Where do you think the Chaos came from?"

One day, after I logged in to my e-mail, I discovered that new mail was waiting for me in my reader. The lengthy message was prefaced by the heading:

"From: Mailer@<machine>: Your message could not be sent ..etc"
"Reason: Address unknown..."

Upon scanning this returned letter, I discovered that it had not been written by me at all, and that the intended recipient and sender were thousands of miles away, apparently the unfortunate victims of a random mailer screw-up. The first sentence of that letter, though, I will always remember:

"My dearest Janice:
At last, we have a method of non-verbal communication which is
completely private..."

I just received a set of patches for the Income Tax Act. Literally. The instructions call them patches.

"The following patch should replace lines 1 through 8 of column 1 on page 931." Cut out along the dotted lines, moisten and affix.

I guess we sometimes forget what patch REALLY means...

Three statisticians go out hunting together. After a while they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and overshoots. The second aims and undershoots. The third shouts out "We got him!"

No apologies to statisticians.

Q: What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?

A: The car salesman can probably drive!

I love it!

The personal computer industry was rocked recently when Penthouse Magazine merged with Commodore Computers. The joint venture will introduce a new product, the Penthouse PET, billed as a "VERY personal computer designed to satisfy a variety of users' needs."

Planning a new line of velvet and satin software, the company's Times Square R&D facility is working on applications packages for the home entertainment market. One of the niftier applications is a word processing package called SLEAZY WRITER which can generate an almost infinite number of Penthouse Magazine Forum letters using a vocabulary of only fifty words. Other packages include Accounts Painable, Visi-Crotch, a Eunuchs Operating System, Electronic Male, and a graphics package featuring 200 different shades of pink. A user friendly language called VIRGIN will guide first timers every step of the way.

One of the main research thrusts is to develop a warm man-machine interface. According to Penthouse sources, erotica is simply an extension of ergonomics. The PET terminal has been designed with a ribbed exterior and comes in a variety of tropical colors. California publisher Blue Boy is offering an optional AC/DC power supply. A company spokesman also lauded the PET's portability. "With moisture resistant packaging, you can take your PET anywhere - you can go swimming with it, take it into the Jacuzzi, or even go to bed with it."

In addition, the Penthouse PET will be able to interface with the next generation of interactive video discs. Users will be able to pick from a wide variety of fantasies with the aid of a groan-activated selector. Of course the system comes with a joy stick as well.

For the party market, Penthouse has developed a Local Area Network called ORGYNET, which the company claims is a breakthrough in compatibility. With the ORGYNET input-output port, you can stick your plug right in. A cluster controller has also been designed to handle the interactive needs of up to four users at one time. Unlike other LANs which use a single coaxial cable, ORGYNET features a tangle of coax (OEM'd from Cox) and uses TSMA (tactile sense multiple access) to allow up to 69 users to interact with the system and each other simultaneously. Although Penthouse reports that ORGYNET can sustain prolonged interactive sessions, insiders report that the throughput peaks after about 30 seconds.

The PET will be distributed by Frederick's of Hollywood, local news stands, and Sears. Penthouse is also strong in service and maintenance; S&M will be handled by a nationwide fleet of vans equipped with a variety of whips, chains, and other tools.

The new generation of personal computers was totally anticipated by the Yankee Group consultants. From a limp beginning, the erotic information processing market has been rising in recent years and is now quite firm, although the recession has created some soft spots. Penthouse's strategy is to use its solid orders to enter the soft markets, jack up production when things get going, and pull out just before competitors come rising into the market.

MOUSE BALLS NOW AVAILABLE AS FRU (Field Replaceable Unit)


MOUSE BALLS ARE NOW AVAILABLE AS A FRU. IF A MOUSE FAILS TO OPERATE,OR SHOULD PERFORM ERRATICALLY, IT MAY BE IN NEED OF BALL REPLACEMENT. BECAUSE OF THE DELICATE NATURE OF THIS PROCEDURE, REPLACEMENT OF MOUSE BALLS SHOULD BE ATTEMPTED BY TRAINED PERSONNEL ONLY.

BEFORE ORDERING,DETERMINE TYPE OF MOUSE BALLS REQUIRED BY EXAMINING THE UNDERSIDE OF EACH MOUSE. DOMESTIC BALLS WILL BE LARGER AND HARDER THAN FOREIGN BALLS. BALL REMOVAL PROCEDURES DIFFER,DEPENDING UPON MANUFACTURER OF THE MOUSE. FOREIGN BALLS CAN BE REPLACED USING THE POP-OFF METHOD, AND DOMESTIC BALLS REPLACED USING THE TWIST-OFF METHOD. MOUSE BALLS ARE NOT USUALLY STATIC SENSITIVE, HOWEVER, EXCESSIVE HANDLING CAN RESULT IN SUDDEN DISCHARGE. UPON COMPLETION OF BALL REPLACEMENT, THE MOUSE MAY BE USED IMMEDIATELY.

IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT EACH SERVICER HAVE A PAIR OF BALLS FOR MAINTAINING OPTIMUM CUSTOMER SATISFACTION,AND THAT ANY CUSTOMER MISSING HIS BALLS SHOULD SUSPECT LOCAL PERSONNEL OF REMOVING THESE NECESSARY FUNCTIONAL ITEMS.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius Strip?

A: To get to the other... um... er...

Great thread
 

Just great... I'm not ashamed to enjoy it!

The topic for today is quantum physics. Quantum physics was developed in the 1930's, as a result of a bet between Albert Einstein and Niels Bohr, to see who could come up with the most ridiculous theory and still have it published. Most people agree that Bohr won hands down, although Einstein did very well in the swimsuit competition.

One of the most important researchers in quantum physics is Werner Heisenberg, a man with a wonderful sense of humor, who was always cracking one-liners, like "delta-p times delta-x is less than h!" Ha! ha! What a card! This is known as Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, which is closely related to Goedel's Incompleteness Theorem, which says that some things are true, but you can't prove them, like when my wife and I argue over whether it's her turn to take out the garbage or not.

What Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle says is that if something is small enough, you can't say anything about it. Anyone with the I.Q. of baking powder immediately understood that this means that if you look at something so small that you can't even see it, like my dog, Oscar Wilde's, brain, then you obviously can't tell, say, what color it is.

But some people didn't get the joke, and decided to investigate this principle further. They would gather and sit around all day, drinking beer and performing "Gedankesexperimenten," or "Thank God we're theoretical physicists so we don't have to get our hands dirty with particle accelerators and other heavy machinery." The most famous of these is Schroedinger's Cat, where several physicists kidnap Erwin Schroedinger's cat Fluffy and lock it up in a box, along with a radioactive source such as Cheez Doodles. Then they walk around with concerned expressions on their faces, commenting about how they don't know what's going on inside the box. This goes on until the cleaning lady discovers the box, opens it and tells the physicists whether the cat is dead, or whether it has mutated into a man-eating flea the size of Norway.

The point of this experiment is to show that uncertainty at the quantum level can be detected in the macroscopic world and produce widespread anxiety and paranoia. It also explains why paper clips just lie there while you look at them, but as soon as you turn your back, they run away, giggling wildly, and transform themselves into coat hangers.

Another famous researcher is Richard Feynman, who invented Feynman diagrams, which are bunches of squiggly lines with greek letters next to them. The way they were discovered was, one day, Hans Bethe came in to Feynman's office to say that some of the guys down in particle research were having a jam session down by the cyclotron, and would Richard like to come over and bring his bongos? Feynman was out, at the time, cracking a safe or something, so Bethe tried to leave him a note. On the desk, he found one of Feynman's daughter's kindergarten drawings. Bethe couldn't make head or tail of it, and figured that if even he couldn't understand it, then it must be something Terribly Clever, and promptly called it a Feynman diagram.

This was a major scientific breakthrough, and ever since, proud parents have been hanging their children's Feynman diagrams on refrigerators with little muon-shaped magnets, confident that their Little Darlings are developing important scientific theories every day, because they are, after all, Gifted Children.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

The mathematician thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

"Arguing with an Electrical Engineer is liking wrestling with a pig in mud, after a while you realise the pig is enjoying it!"

Not 100% sure this one counts but I'll say it anyways.

A physicist and an artist are walking together. The physicist says "Man I have a Ph.D and I haveta work flipping burgers!"

The artist says "Stop bragging"

rofl

The following glossary of general computing terminology has been compiled by me for the education and benefit of all. Most entries are original; a few I have picked up over the years.

BASIC A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.

BUG An aspect of a computer program which exists because the PROGRAMMER was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he wrote the program.

Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.

C A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't.

CALTRANS A programming language related to FORTRAN. Also, an inside joke for Californians.

COMMENT A superfluous element of a source program included to the programmer can remember what the hell he was doing six months later. Only the weak-minded need them, according to those who think they aren't.

COMPUTER An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.

CRASH A sudden, unexpected cessation of activity by the computer, accompanied by a sudden, unexpected increase in activity by the system administrator. Caused by someone running their huge, unimportant program just as your small, critical program is about to finish.

ENGINEER A human (?) entity who is responsible for all the problems of PROGRAMMERS.

FORTRAN A mature (see MATURE) programming language whose name means FOR TRANsmogrification (of the desired functionality).

GOTO A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers.

INFINITE LOOP See LOOP

JUMP See GOTO

KERNEL A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval traditions of sorcery and black art.

LOOP See INFINITE LOOP

MANUAL A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need in in the others.

MATURE Adjective used to describe anything that nobody uses anymore.

MEMORY A component of a computer that holds data. Sometimes it doesn't. Amount present in a given system is calculated in a manner similar to REGISTERS.

PROGRAMMER See definition of ENGINEER; replace all occurrences of PROGRAMMER with ENGINEER.

REGISTER A part of a computer's processor that holds information for a while. Number of registers in a given system is N-3 where N is the number needed to efficiently implement a function.

RS-232 An interface standard (what's that word you just said?) between computers, modems and stuff. Notable characteristics a universal uncertainty about switching pins 2 and 3. Uses bipolar signals; was probably designed by the CEO of a power supply manufacturer. Has signals nobody ever uses except the peripheral you just bought.

STACK A memory space used to entertain the programmers and management by overflowing or being subjected to mismatched PUSH/POPs.

SUBROUTINE A unit of software that makes tangled code look like it isn't. Opposite of GOTO (sort of). Useful for overflowing STACKs.

SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR: A person whose job it is to do everything that isn't his job.

I got this one of this website one day and copied pasted it because I liked it. I think the website was netfunny.com or something like that:
Diary of an AOL User.

July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.

July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?

July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.

July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I'm confused.

July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.

July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online not usenet.

July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.

August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I can't find that group.

August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.

August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like.

August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.

When It Says: |It Really Means:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Available Now! |We overstocked / We can't sell any.
|(Alternative: We have a really hot
|item at an outrageous price)

State-of-the-Art Design |We can't get the chips yet but we hope to
|before manufacturing starts.

Proven reliability |Antiquated technology and obsolete parts.

Compatible with most systems |Favor us with a big enough order and we'll
|start designing an interface

Tremendous expandability |The unbundled "bare-bones" system with
|the low advertised price is virtually
|useless.

User-friendly |Slow, eats memory for lunch, and probably
|won't meet your specific needs (but for a fat
|consulting fee, we'll be happy to customize
|it for you).

Advanced features |We couldn't get rid of the quirks/bugs in the
|system, so we're pretending we planned them
|all along.

Competitively priced |Costs less than IBM's.

Q)What did one computer say to the other computer?


A)1001110011100
0011001110011


Hahahahahahahahah

An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline. A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk had been xeroxed.

The Pessimist's guide to Engineer--talk. (what they say - what they mean)



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"That's interesting" -- Shit! I've never seen anything remotely like that before.

"We'll just run diagnostics" -- I wonder if that'll give us a clue.

"So we've eliminated XXX" -- It's probably XXX, but it's bloody hard to get at.

"I've just powered it down" -- I tripped over that bloody power cord again.

"Ok, that's good" -- What the hell was that noise?!?

"We've noticed some failure evidence" -- Something's burning...

"If you'll just..." -- I don't want to be the one to blame when it crashes.

"Yes, you'd expect to see that..." -- Hell, that's stuffed as well!

"We'll just fit a revision" -- We'll put the same version in from a different tape.

Thanks for all the Entertainment guys, these are hilarious.

"Hey Mike?"
"Yeah, Gabe?"

"We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah."

"I thought you fixed that last century!"

"No, no, not that. Someone's found a loophole in the physics program. They're getting energy out of nowhere."

"Blessit! Lemme check..." <tappity clickity tappity> "Hey, I thought I fixed that! All right, let me find my terminal." <tappity clickity tap... save... compile> "There, that ought to patch it."