Not badish

Final Examination


Instructions: Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.


PUBLIC SPEAKING. 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

The proper response is: "G'day mates! Yahoo Serious will be out in a few moments. While you're waiting, I'll just throw a few shrimp on the barby for ya, and you can help yourselves to a few pots of Foster's. Right? Right."


SOCIOLOGY. Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

The only problems would be from the car sales people and lawyers on why they can't get to the promised land. The lawyers will try to appeal, and the sales people will try to finance or trade one another (for less than blue book) to get in.


ENGINEERING. The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in your desk. You will also find an instruction manual printed in Swahili. In ten minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Call management in room. Inform management that engineering has had enough of cleaning up after sales demos and will not tolerate this shit. Storm out of room leaving bewildered management to deal with dissasembled rifle and hungry tiger. I mean, if management had been on the ball, the gun would be assembled and the tiger would have been fed.


POLITICAL SCIENCE. There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

Inform Kremlin that our entire nuclear arsenal accidentally launched towards them. This should start a major skirmish. After the exchange and near total destruction of the world, the only socio-political effect will be if we have enough shrimp and Fosters for the Aborigines who are still waiting for Yahoo Serious (they seemed to think that the big flash and noise was another Serious invention).


EPISTEMOLOGY. Take a position for or against the truth. Prove the validity of your position.

I speak the truth. Everything I say is a lie.


GENERAL KNOWLEDGE. Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

Life is a scam.


EXTRA CREDIT. Define the Universe. Give three examples.

Time is relative.
Time is money.
Money is relative.
Relatives cost money.
Time is relative, and don't let your relatives spend too much time (or money).

ex 1: Aunt Irma visits.
ex 2: Aunt Irma won't leave.
ex 3: You wind up buying Aunt Irma a 1 way ticket to anywhere. Thus depleting your vacation fund. Now you must go back to work.

Ovulation versus cretinism

Two different theories exist concerning the origin of children: the theory of sexual reproduction, and the theory of the stork. Many people believe in the theory of sexual reproduction because they have been taught this theory at school.

In reality, however, many of the world's leading scientists are in favor of the theory of the stork. If the theory of sexual reproduction is taught in schools, it must only be taught as a theory and not as the truth. Alternative theories, such as the theory of the stork, must also be taught.

Evidence supporting the theory of the stork includes the following:

1. It is a scientifically established fact that the stork does exist. This can be confirmed by every ornithologist.

2. The alleged human fetal development contains several features that the theory of sexual reproduction is unable to explain.

3. The theory of sexual reproduction implies that a child is approximately nine months old at birth. This is an absurd claim. Everyone knows that a newborn child is newborn.

4. According to the theory of sexual reproduction, children are a result of sexual intercourse. There are, however, several well documented cases where sexual intercourse has not led to the birth of a child.

5. Statistical studies in the Netherlands have indicated a positive correlation between the birth rate and the number of storks. Both are decreasing.

6. The theory of the stork can be investigated by rigorous scientific methods. The only assumption involved is that children are delivered by the stork.

All these jokes are great guys.. I especially liked the If this is blue one.. I'm surfing too fast. :-)

**Clap Clap Clap Clap Clap**

Brilliant I love it.

I would also further point 4 with this addition:
There has also been one very documented case of child birth, which occured without sexual reproduction. The presence of storks is however as of yet unconfirmed... :)

On a related not, check out this Onion article

The Surgeon General's Report on AIDS



(All Internal Destruction Subprograms)


The Surgeon General's office report a computer virus of epidemic proportions growing in the computing community. These viruses are deadly and there is no known single cure for all of the strains. The virus attacks the computer where it has the least defense: the operating system. Then it slowly destroys the system by slowly eliminating small portions of data. The original strain has been shown to be suppressed by the program AZT (Anti-Zealous program Terminator), but the product may be over-marketed, and less effective than promised. Additional strains have shown little effect when exposed to this program. A virus may be contained in a disk or memory for long periods of time before showing any of the effects. Some are time triggered to go off at certain times (Columbus day, Fri 13, Halloween, etc.) but all viruses seem to have some effect on all of its victims.

Some users and computers are at greater risk than others. Those computers that communicate with their own kind (homocommunals) are the apparent target of many viruses, although the virus can be communicated to other computer types, as well. Those computers using DOS seem to have the highest concentration of the virus, compared to non-DOS machines. Data recovery experts are often exposed to viruses by accidentally putting their own disk into an infected computer, or having an infected disk used on their own systems. These experts should take extreme care in working in these environments so they will not contract the disease. Virus hunters have much the same risk.

The Surgeon General's office recommends the following measures to the US Government and its citizens:

1) Don't do DOS. If you MUST, don't share your disks, or at least use a cleansing program on those disks before using them.

2) Do NOT copy programs from another computer, or if you must, try to only copy programs with another or a small, closed group that has been tested for the virus, and do NOT have it. There must be NO outside input into this group, or the whole group may be exposed.

3) Avoid BBS's and Software pools known to carry illegal or high risk programs that have been uploaded and downloaded. Especially those that require payment for copy privileges.

4) Also, we should regulate and heavily test all Public Domain programs and distributors and recovery specialists for signs of the viruses. These are especially at risk since they draw programs from those who don't know that they have the virus, or those that don't know that it is contagious.

The Surgeon General's office feels that these precautions will curtail the spread and magnitude of the disease, if the public is willing to act now. Soon, everybody in the nation will know someone with the virus, and you may have to work next to a computer that has it.

Question: How does one get fresh air into a Russian church?

Answer: One clicks on an icon, and a window opens!

Glossary


beta test, v.
To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three. In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.

bit, n.
A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years ago.

buzzword, n.
The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.

clone, n.
1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product is a clone of our product."

enhance, v.
To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.

genlock, n.
Why he stays in the bottle.

guru, n.
A computer owner who can read the manual.

handshaking protocol, n.
A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.

italic, adj.
Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases are often slanted to the left.

Japan, n.
A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from which they are harvested by the happy natives.

kern, v.
1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small, metal object used as part of the monetary system.

modem, adj.
Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An unfortunate byproduct of kerning.

pixel, n.
A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.

prototype, n.
First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version, upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the prototype is not expected to work.

revolutionary, adj.
Repackaged.

Unix, N.
A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off with the workstation harem.

"All the news that fits, we print." - A. E. Newman


DIGITAL SELLS ITS EMPLOYEES - Digital Equipment Corporation announced today that since it has had so much trouble selling its VAXes and has so many excess employees, it will begin offering the employees for sale. According to our reporter, DEC expects its employees to run about 20% faster than its older machines and about half the speed of its RISC based DECSTATION line. Prices and delivery are expected at the NODECEMP show in January.

HP/APOLLO MERGER FOLLOWUP - It has come to the attention of this paper that analysts have finally concluded what HP and Apollo each brought to their recent merger. HP brought Tauruses and Apollo gave HP yet another line of incompatible machines and lots of third party peripherals to compete with HP's own. Most analysts are convinced HP should have bought Apollo years ago when HP could have also brought donuts.

COMPAQ announced last week that it has the world's most expensive PC line at prices up to $80,000. Compaq also announced sales of 2000 to its PC competitor Hewlett Packard. HP spokesperson Fasta Cieuw said that the new machines will allow HP management to do even larger and more complicated Lotus spreadsheets. HP had previously announced the replacement of its world renowned MBWA with MBLS.

Sun Microsystems recently pronounced that X-Windows is not an industry standard. A SUN spokeswoman claimed that it couldn't possibly be a standard as SUN has not invented it yet. "As soon as we come up with it, it will be made a standard," she said. "We expect to have a working X-Windows before the turn of the century and we promise to be first to market as we always are."

DEC INTRODUCES ITS FIRST MAINFRAME. - Digital Equipment Corporation announced its first mainframe size computer. "We tried to make it bigger than IBM's but we did not have enough sheet metal in the plant" a DEC spokesman said. "However, it does outrun the DECStation 3100 by 20% and is at least twice as fast as the employees we will be selling in the next year." The spokesman was referring to the previous announcement about selling its employees.

HP ANNOUNCES RETURN TO THE GOOD OLD DAYS - Because of recent criticism from employees about how the "HP WAY" was going away, HP recently announced some major plans to reverse the trend. "The first of these is the recent removal of backup from our HP-UX SAM subsystem. We wanted to go back to the old way of making a decision without any field or customer input just like we used to do," a spokesperson from HP announced. The spokesperson also stated that there was no truth to the rumor that HP was intending to bring back donuts by merging with "Debbie Does Donuts." "That kind of business is incompatible with the image we want to project," said the spokesperson.

IBM ANNOUNCES NEW WORKSTATION LINE - In a surprise move, IBM announced a fast way to bring in a new, powerful line of workstations totally compatible with its current mainframe line. In an amazing feat of technical brilliance, IBM claimed 100% compatibility between mainframe and workstation. IBM spokesman Joe Isuzu said the new 3090SRX is at least as fast as the Apollo DN10000 "and a lot bigger and more expensive." Mr. Isuzu denied that the 3090SRX is just a 3090 with all terminals removed except the console. "Would we do something like that" he asked? Prices for the new workstations are in the $1M to $10M range. Delivery is expected to start by 1993.

HP CRITICIZES CUSTOMERS - In a surprise move, HP sharply criticized some of its customers for having centralized administrative machines and failing to put workstations on the desks of their field engineers. "Who do they think they are?" a spokeswoman said. "Only we are allowed to be so backward because we make them."

SUN DOUBLES MTBF - SUN Microsystems claimed the MTBF leadership position in quality. "In the tradition of leading the industry, we at SUN are proud to claim the best quality increase. Once again, we lead not only in price/performance and support, but now we are the quality champion" said the new SUN Vice-President Jane Doe. "We increased our MTBF from 100 hours to 300 hours, a 300% increase. HP can't do that. The best they can do is 10.1 years to 10.2 years, a measly increase of less than 1%. That means we are more than 300 times better than HP! That's leadership." This reporter asked HP to respond but we were unable to find anyone in public relations or marketing. In related news, this reporter found out that the name "Jane Doe" is not the real name for the SUN Vice-President we had talked to. However, she said it was more convenient to use that name as it saved the company considerable money in not having to reprint business cards every time an executive left.

Q: What is the definition of a tachyon?

A: It's a gluon that's not completely dry.

There's a car on the mountain, with your required End User, Hardware Engineer and Software Engineer. And the brakes fail and the car goes careering down the mountain. They all think that they're going to die. But the driver manages to steer the car onto a verge and they stop halfway down the mountain.

The End User says 'We must get help, there is nothing that we can do ourselves'

The Hardware Engineer says 'Hand me that spanner, I'm sure I can fix it'

The Software Engineer says 'Well let's try it again, just to make sure that there is a problem'

I heard this morning that veterinarians are beginning to use on household animals expensive upscale diagnostic equipment previously only available for humans, including CAT and PET scanners.

:lol: this joke made me laugh loud enough to get odd looks from my roomates...

(UPI) Heaven. God has lost Her NSF grant. The National Science Foundation cited three reasons in deciding not to renew the Holy Grant.

1. Although God has done good creative work in the past, there has been no recent evidence of creativity.

2. No one as yet has been able to reproduce Her experimental results.

3. She has only written one book, and it has never been subject to peer review.

Philosophers have long wondered why socks have this habit of getting lost, and why humans always end up with large collections of unmatched odd socks. One school of thought says that socks are very antisocial creatures, and have a deep sense of rivalry. In particular, two socks of the same design have feelings of loathing towards each other and hence it is nearly impossible to pair them (e.g. a blue sock will usually be found nestling up to a black one, rather than its fellow blue sock).

On the other hand, quantum theorists explain it all by a generalised exclusion principle--it is impossible for two socks to be in the same eigen-state, and when it's in danger of happening, one of the socks has to vanish. Indeed the Uncertainty Principle also comes in--the only time you know where a sock is, is when you're wearing it, and hence unable to be sure exactly how fast it's moving. The moment you stop moving and look at your sock, it then starts falling to pieces, changing colour, or otherwise becoming indeterminate. Either way, socks may possess Color and Strangeness, but they seem to lack Charm.

Bill Gates is building a new massive mansion, most of it underground. I guess he is doing this because he doesn't want to spend another dime on Windows. Or, perhaps, he is getting ready to throw a few stones.

These two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"

The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu"

"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."

In the beginning, God created the RAM and the ROM. And the core was empty, and the CPU was idle, and the registers thereof were all zero. And God said, "Let there be power." And there was power. And God saw the power that it was good, and God divided between the zeroes and the ones, and he called the ones "true," and the zeroes he called, "false." And there was power-down, and there was power-up, the first cycle.

And God said, "Let there be a division between the RAM and the ROM, that the one be volatile, and the one not," and it was so. And God made the division, to divide between memory and memory. And there was power-down, and there was power-up, the second cycle.

And God said, "Let there be ROM subroutines in the ROM," and it was so. And the ROM brought forth subroutines and all the pointers thereof. And God saw the subroutines that they were good. And there was power-down, and there was power-up, the third cycle.

And God said, "Let there be power-supplies, to supply power to the CPU and the core and all the peripherals thereof." And God made the power-supplies, the Uninterruptible Power Supplies to power the larger systems, and the Surge Supressors to power the smaller systems. And God saw the power- supplies that they were good. And there was power-down, and there was power-up, the fourth cycle.

And God said, "Let the RAM teem with programs and compilers and interpreters, with all the pointers thereof," and it was so. And God made all the programs: the databases and spreadsheets and compilers and interpreters and all the DOC files thereof. And God saw the programs that they were good. And there was power-down, and there was power-up, the fifth cycle.

And God said, "Let there be users, and let them have dominion over all the programs in the operating system, and all those not in it, and over all the subroutines in the ROM below." And God created the users, both programmer and operator he created them, to be masters of the core. And he commanded them, "Be fruitful, and multiply the programs and their complexity over all the system." And God looked upon all he had made, and found it was very good. And there was power-down, and there was power-up, the sixth cycle.

Thus was the system finished, and on the seventh cycle God rested, and the CPU was idle. And God blessed the seventh cycle, for on that cycle he finished all the work which he had done.

So this computer scientist is like a real uptight guy, uncomfortable in his own skin, has a hard time relating to people, you know the type, right? So he's in a bookstore, see's a book called "How to Hug," so he thinks yes, this could really help him. So he buys it, takes it home, starts to read it, and damn it if isn't volume 8 of an encyclopedia!

It's almost too true to be funny. Almost.

A doctor a clergyman and an engineer are out golfing and things are going very slowly with the group in front of them. No one wants to comment at first but by the 7th hole they are all livid and ask the ranger if he would allow them to play through.

The ranger says, "Oh, I thought you knew that today is the blind golfers outing and we apologize for the delay but ask that you bear with us". Each one of the gentlemen is a little embarrassed that they had made some rude comments about the slow play.

The Doctor mentions that it has been proven very therapeutic for handicapped people to have active life styles. The clergyman notes that Gods gifts extend beyond the loss of sight and should be glorified.

The engineer looks at the ranger perplexed and asks, why cant they just play at night?

This big-city PC dealer bought a farm. He didn't have the faintest idea what to do first, so he went for a walk to look around. As he walked through a gate, he felt something soft under his feet, and a none-too-pleasant smell hit his nostrils. Looking down, he found he was standing right in the centre of a warm squishy, just-laid prairie-cake. A look of terror came into his eyes. "Help!" he shouted, "I'm melting!"

Half-way through I lost the will to live

Uncle Phil you suck.
Every joke is "mathematicians reduce it to something previously solved"
Booooo.

Following the success of their object oriented version of C, C++, AT&T are rumoured to be working on a similar version of Cobol. Although the working name of the project is Cobol++, the product brand name will of course respect the maturity of the marketplace. It will be called ADD_ONE_TO_COBOL.

This fellow who had worked in advertising/marketing died and, upon entering heaven, met St. Peter. St. Peter said, "In the interest of fairness, we want to give you the option to stay here in heaven, or to go to hell. You can look around here for a few minutes, then go visit hell for a while before you decide. The catch is that your decision is final--no changing your mind."

So, the fellow started walking around heaven; what he saw, he thought to be a bit boring. People were playing horseshoes, bridge, drinking tea. It wasn't bad, but it did look kind of slow. He mentioned this to St. Peter, and asked for his visit to hell before his decision.

Immediately, he found himself standing in front of two huge doors imprinted with "HELL." Expecting the handle to be hot, he reached gingerly for it. Surprisingly, the handle was cool to the touch. Proceeding through the doors, he found a flurry of activity. People were standing around eating, drinking, dancing--in general having a great time. The marketing fellow thought that this looked like much more fun than heaven, so he promptly returned to St. Peter and told him that he had chosen hell.

Once again, he found himself in front of the huge doors. Reaching to open the door, he scorched his hand on the blisteringly hot handle. After entering, he was faced with a wall of flame, and he could hear horrendous screaming and moaning. He stood there, incredulous. The devil walked up and asked if there was some problem. "Yes," the fellow replied, "I was just down here ten minutes ago, and it wasn't hot, and people were partying and having a great time! What happened?"

"Well," the devil replied, "that was a demo!!"

Prof: Some people have proposed using Krypton gas in scintillator detectors.

Grad Student: Won't that scare away the superstrings?

Q: "How many computer scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

A: "Five. Two to write the specifications, one to prove their validity and two to implement it."

Q: "Well, how many hackers does it take?"

A: "One. But, hackers don't turn on the lights."

How to Hunt Elephants

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing
out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of
whatever is left. Professors of mathematics prove the
existence of at least one elephant and leave the capture of
an actual elephant as an exercise for one of their graduate
students.

Computer scientists hunt elephants using algorithm A:

1. Go to Africa
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the
continent alternately East and West.
4. During each traverse
a. Catch each animal seen
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant
c. Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by
placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the
algorithm will terminate.

Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray
animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs
within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed
elephant.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and
call it an elephant.

In a rash of lawsuits inspired by suits by Xerox against Apple and Apple against Microsoft/HP, the whole computer industry was thrown into a tizzy when Digital Equipment, IBM, Unisys, and AT&T agreed to form the Open Lawsuit Foundation (OLF). "We are totally against proprietary lawsuits," said a DEC spokesman. "We want standards in lawsuits."

An IBM spokesman concurred. "We have sued everyone from little companies like Big Blue Inc. to Hitachi but we have always had proprietary suits. Now to show our leadership in the standards industry, we intend to standardize on our suits." When asked to comment, a Sun Microsystems representative stated, "We don't wear suits at Sun."

MATHEMATICS PURITY TEST


Count the number of yeses, subtract from 60, and divide by 0.6.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The Basics

1) Have you ever been excited about math?
2) Had an exciting dream about math?
3) Made a mathematical calculation?
4) Manipulated the numerator of an equation?
5) Manipulated the denominator of an equation?
6) On your first problem set?
7) Worked on a problem set past 3:00 a.m.?
8) Worked on a problem set all night?
9) Had a hard problem?
10) Worked on a problem continuously for more than 30 minutes?
11) Worked on a problem continuously for more than four hours?
12) Done more than one problem set on the same night (i.e. both
started and finished them)?
13) Done more than three problem sets on the same night?
14) Taken a math course for a full year?
15) Taken two different math courses at the same time?
16) Done at least one problem set a week for more than four months?
17) Done at least one problem set a night for more than one month
(weekends excluded)?
18) Done a problem set alone?
19) Done a problem set in a group of three or more?
20) Done a problem set in a group of 15 or more?
21) Was it mixed company?
22) Have you ever inadvertently walked in upon people doing
a problem set?
23) And joined in afterwards?
24) Have you ever used food doing a problem set?
25) Did you eat it all?
26) Have you ever had a domesticated pet or animal walk over
you while you were doing a problem set?
27) Done a problem set in a public place where you might be discovered?
28) Been discovered while doing a problem set?

Kinky Stuff

29) Have you ever applied your math to a hard science?
30) Applied your math to a soft science?
31) Done an integration by parts?
32) Done two integration by parts in a single problem?
33) Bounded the domain and range of your function?
34) Used the domination test for improper integrals?
35) Done Newton's Method?
36) Done the Method of Frobenius?
37) Used the Sandwich Theorem?
38) Used the Mean Value Theorem?
39) Used a Gaussian surface?
40) Used a foreign object on a math problem (eg: calculator)?
41) Used a program to improve your mathematical technique (eg: MACSYMA)?
42) Not used brackets when you should have?
43) Integrated a function over its full period?
44) Done a calculation in three-dimensional space?
45) Done a calculation in n-dimensional space?
46) Done a change of bases?
47) Done a change of bases specifically in order to magnify your vector?
48) Worked through four complete bases in a single night (eg: using the
Gram-Schmidt method)?
49) Inserted a number into an equation?
50) Calculated the residue of a pole?
51) Scored perfectly on a math test?
52) Swallowed everything your professor gave you?
53) Used explicit notation in your problem set?
54) Purposefully omitted important steps in your problem set?
55) Padded your own problem set?
56) Been blown away on a test?
57) Blown away your professor on a test?
58) Have you ever multiplied 23 by 3?
59) Have you ever bounded your Bessel function so that the membrane
did not shoot to infinity?



69) Have you ever understood the following quote: "The relationship between Z^0 to C_0, B_0, and H_0 is an example of a general principle which we have encountered: the kernel of the adjoint of a linear transformation is both the annihilator space of the image of the transformation and also the dual space of the quotient of the space of which the image is a subspace by the image subspace."

I'm 13.3333333...% maths-pure. And yes, I did understand the last quote.

I can't believe this one's not in it yet... (unless I missed it - god my eyes hurt from all this reading on my crappy monitor)

Programmer Dies in the shower.
Shampoo bottle found clutched in his hands with instructions.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat...

Five English gentlemen and one American computer programmer are walking along the Thames, discussing terms of venery. (Terms of venery are names for groups of animals, such as "pod" of whales or "exaltation" of larks.) They see three English prostitutes, and wonder what the term of venery is for them.


The first English gentleman says, "A fanfare of strumpets."
The second says, "No, it's a trey of tarts."
The third says, "No, a volume of Trollope's." [Trollope was an essayist.]
The fourth says, "Nope, a pride of loins."
The fifth says, "No, I say it's an anthology of English prose."
And the programmer says, "It's a string of cache misses."

These days it's quite common for messages on social-oriented bulletin boards to end with signoffs like "Hi and hugs to everybody." In fact, this has become so popular that as much as 7.5% of the disk space on some BBS's is currently devoted to this particular comment. The International Committee for Relatively Pointless Abbreviations and Badly Misspelled Acronyms (SPUDS) has just released a new, internationally approved list of abbreviated signoffs. These include:



ooo hugs
xxx kisses
OOO big hugs
XXX big kisses
oo hugs for everybody but you
OO! big, excited hugs
CCC hugs for people you can't quite reach around
OOQ hugging with tongue
xx@ kisses and earlobe nibbling
zzz snoring
yyy anything that occurs between kissing and snoring
H handshake
kkk alternate form of "handshakes for all"
KKK white robes for all
AAA talk-show not-really kissing
[X] kissing in the closet
XYZZY a kiss that moves you
MMM same as WWW, but from inversion boots
LLL armwrestles for all
OOO~~~ big hugs and large caterpillars for all
))) smiles for all
TTT trees for all
jjj gooses for all
JJJ big gooses for all
OOOXXXYYYZZZ this is illegal before marriage in nine states
OOOXXXyZZZZZ still illegal, but generally not nearly as well received

Remember, there is much more work to be done to codify and abbreviate excessively clear and understandable sign-off messages and replace them with efficient and incomprehensible international symbols. Please contribute money, suggestions, and chocolate to this worthy cause, and help make conversation boards a better place for assembly-language programmers.

Programmer Dies in the shower.
Shampoo bottle found clutched in his hands with instructions.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat... ---
That's a good one. Although you think he would have run out of shampoo first?

The Software Development Process


(Borrowed from an overhead slide used by a major workstation manufacturer)

1) Order the T-shirts for the Development team

2) Announce availability

3) Write the code

4) Write the manual

5) Hire a Product Manager

6) Spec the software (Writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the software meets the specifications)

7) Ship

8) Test (the customers are a big help here)

9) Identify bugs as potential enhancements

10) Announce the upgrade program

lol this is a great oldie; thanks!

"I heard that people are getting laid off at IBM. I bet they open their pay envelopes and find, "This paycheck intentionally left blank."

some are funny some arent

Microsloshed Corporation of Smoke'em, Washington introduces the most fantabulous operating system overlay ever, a high-performance GUI (Generally Useless Interface) that will transform your measly old command-line driven PC into a state-of-the-art multitasking system!


M I C R O S L O S H E D W A L L S
o Microsloshed Walls frees you from the worries of incompatible hardware--in fact, if any part of your computer is in the tiniest respect different from an original IBM PC, Microsloshed Walls will pretend it doesn't exist and lock up when you try to install the drivers--automatically!

o Complicated and cumbersome command-line functions have been replaced by simple, intuitive mouse-driven commands without confusing options or user-burdening functionality.

o Microsloshed Walls version 3.0 is a major step forward--boldly abandoning the restraints of compatibility with either DOS or Walls 2.9 applications while not making you waste your time learning new features or capabilities.

o Conventional DOS programs are limited to a mere 640K of memory; Microsloshed Walls will use up every last byte of memory on your computer and more!

o Microsloshed Walls provides your programs with a uniform user interface so simple and easy to use that all your applications will look and act exactly the same. Whether you're using a telecommunications package or a compiler, you'll be completely unable to tell them apart!

o Several of the functions of the Microsloshed applications you've grown to love under DOS will still work some of the time under Walls and a variety of Microsloshed products are very nearly supported by Microsloshed Walls including Expell, QuirkC, QuirkBASIC, QuirkPascal, and QuirkRATFOR.

o The popular word processing program Microsloshed Wart has been fully updated and modified just for Walls, making it totally unlike Microsloshed Wart while still retaining the same name.

o Microsloshed Walls includes its own special version of QEMMMM (Quirky Extraneous Massive Memory Multi-Mangler) converting your system's extraneous memory into impacted memory which can be more efficiently wasted by Walls.

We guarantee that, when you install Microsloshed Walls on your computer, you'll kiss your old DOS prompt goodbye. In fact, after just one session with Microsloshed Walls, you may never use any of your old programs again.

Microsloshed. Software that makes your computer obsolete.

From the Star Fleet Programmer's Style Guide:

(1) If your robot is programmed to destroy all imperfection, make sure it excludes itself (the "Nomad" rule).

(2) Never allow calculation of the exact value of pi.

(3) Be sure your machines are programmed to ignore Three Stooges routines (This is known as Harry Mudd's Law).

(4) Self-destruct routines are never carried through, so there is no need to program them as anything more than a cosmetic shell. But be sure the countdown always runs past 1, to the last millisecond before the ship blows up, for dramatic values.

(5) Include standard protections against viruses, Trojans, worms, and the ghosts of 19th-Century serial killers.

(6) Women programmers are not allowed, as they always program the computer to giggle and call the captain, "Honey." We have enough virility problems because they make us wear tights and those silly boots and velour shirts. We don't need this shit, too.

The Advanced User's Guide
to the DEC Rainbow PC100 User's Guide

CONTENTS

Chapter 1. Introduction...2
How to Use this Book...2
How to Get Help...3
Book Organization...5
Conventions Used...43


Chapter 2. Getting Started...76
Chapter 2 Layout...76
How Chapter 2 Differs from Chapter 1...88
How to use the Rainbow On/Off Switch...94
Using the "Return" key...112
What To Do Next...120


Chapter 3. Using the User's Guide...143
How to Use Chapter 3...143
Detailed Description of Chapter 3...165
Why Chapter 3 Is So Important...185
How To Get Help Using Chapter 3...190
Summary of Chapter 3...192
What To Do Next...195


Chapter 4. Advanced User...202
Intended Reader...202
What To Do Next...202

Appendix A. Using a Book...203

Index...302


Copyright Notice: No part of this book may, for any reason or in any circumstances, be copied, transmitted, reproduced, reprinted, or recorded in any form or by any means or method, including, but not limited to, photocopying, recording on any information or retrieval system, copying by any means whether mechanical or electronic, or verbally communicating any part, portion, or subset of this book in any form. Digital Equipment Corporation makes no claims, either explicit or implied, as to the suitability, quality, completeness, correctness, usefulness, or taste of this or any other product.


Chapter 1. Introduction

In this chapter, you will read an introduction. It also provides some practical experience in using a book. If you are unfamiliar with the use of a book, refer to Appendix A, "Using a Book."


How To Use This Book
To use this book, you must begin by doing the following:


1. Buy the Advanced User's Guide to The Rainbow PC100 User's Guide, DEC part number G45-435600123-TRY09879-34563-2-12

2. Remove the Guide from its box. This is most easily done by a) opening the box, b) grasping the Guide with your right hand, and c) pulling the Guide from the box.

3. Turn to Chapter 1, page 2. Look for the place that says, "4. Begin reading...."

4. Begin reading. Complete details on how to read may be found in any Elementary School education.


How To Get Help

If at any time you need assistance with this Guide call the DEC help number. Complete details on how to use a telephone to call DEC may be found in the manual "How To Use a Telephone to Call DEC."

Logical Laws & Accurate Axioms


You can always tell a really good idea by the enemies it makes. --Programmers' axiom

Everything always takes twice as long and costs four times as much as you planned. --Programmers' axiom

It's never the technical stuff that gets you in trouble, it's the personalities and the politics. --Programmers' saying

Living with a programmer is easy. All you need is the patience of a saint. --Programmers' spouses' saying

Applications programming is a race between software engineers, who strive to produce idiot-proof programs, and the Universe which strives to produce bigger idiots. --Software engineers' saying

So far the Universe is winning. --Applications programmers' saying

The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with an idea. --Computer saying

You can't do just one thing. --Campbell's Law of everything

Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. --Murphy's law #1024

...and sometimes the real trick is telling the difference. --Murphy's law #1024a

Whenever you use a jump, be sure of your destination address. --Programmers' saying

If you eat a live toad first thing in the morning, nothing worse will happen all day long. --California saying

To you or the toad? --Niven's restatement of California saying

...well, most of the time, anyway. --Programmers' caveat to Niven's restatement of California saying

Apple Corporation Sues Itself.

[AP] In a move that has industrial analysts scratching their heads, Apple Computers has filed suit against Apple Computer, Inc. The company claims that Apple has violated the Look and Feel of their own machines which has helped to make the company famous.

An Apple Spokesperson stated "This is no joke. If we don't protect our copyrighted interface, everyone will use it and we could lose the exclusive right. So it is in our best interests to sue anyone who uses the Macintosh Look and Feel, including ourselves." The spokesperson says Apple has retained the prestigious LA law firm of Kukla, Fran and Ollie to spearhead the lawsuit. Apple's in house lawyers will defend.

Long time Apple observer Ernest Dinklefwat stated that this is a sure sign that Apple has too many lawyers and not enough engineers. "In the old days Apple depended on its talented engineers to keep ahead of the competition, but now they have lost the edge, as well as their grasp on reality."

The industry will be sure to watch this case closely. If Apple wins the suit against itself, this could mean a massive recall of all Macintosh and Lisa computers which will need to be converted to avoid all graphics and desktop metaphors and instead provide a simple terminal-like interface. Such a move would cause a massive digression in the personal computer market. Users of computers would be forced to learn to read, which could cause dangerous literacy among college students and professionals.

The default uninitialized value for registers on the IBM RS/6000 under AIX is hex -21524111. Printed out as a 32-bit unsigned quantity, this is:


DEADBEEF


Never knew IBM programmers were allowed to have a sense of humor!

IBM and DEC decided to have a boat race, on the Thames, following the famous Oxford vs. Cambridge course.

Both teams practiced hard, and came the big day, they were as ready as they could be.

IBM won by a mile.

Afterwards, the DEC team were very downhearted, and a decision was made that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a working party was set up to investigate and report.

Well, they had everybody on the working party, Sales, Systems Engineering, Marketing, Customer Education, Field Service, the whole lot, and after 3 months they came up with the answer, and the working party co-ordinator gave his summary presentation.

"The problem was," he said, "that IBM had 8 people rowing and 1 steering, whereas we had 1 person rowing and 8 steering."

The working party was then asked to go away and come up with a plan to prevent a recurrence the following year, for DEC's pride had been damaged, and another defeat was not wanted.

2 months later, the working party had worked out a plan, and the coordinator gave his (customarily brief) summary--

"The guy rowing has got to work harder"

A computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the mountain, gaining speed, and finally managed to grind to a halt, more by luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged rocks. They all got out of the car.

The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."

The systems analyst said, "No, I think we should take it into town and have a specialist look at it."

The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back in and see if it does it again."

Man talking to prostitute: "How much to get screwed?"

"$100" replied the hooker.

"$100? Are you kidding? Who do you think you are, a computer consultant?"

A new benchmark has been released which accurately measures the speed of any computer. The computer is pushed off the top of a building, and speed calculated by multiplying by 32.2 fps squared.

The MIPS (Meaningless Index of Plummeting Speed) rating is the raw value times the number of CPUs. This is called the FallingStone benchmark.

A is for APPLE who sent us our Macs,
D is for DEC, and they sold us a Vax.
C is the language in which we write source,
and B is our sort, which is BROKEN, of course.

E is an ERROR when code is compiled,
F is a FORK for creating a child,
G is the GETTY that sits on the line,
and H is a HANGUP whic:^?{^Zo^?{bD^]NO CARRIER

I is the INTERCONNECTION of kit,
J is the JOY when the cables all fit.
K is for KERMIT, to copy a file,
and L are the LINES that we drop all the while.

M is the MODEM we use from our home,
N are the NIGHTS which we spend on the 'phone,
O is the OUTPUT we get from the host,
and P are the 'PHONE BILLS we get in the post.

Q for SIGQUIT makes our process abort,
R is the REASON sigquit should be caught.
S is the SIGNAL we catch and ignore,
and T is the TRAP which we miss, and dump core.

U is for UNIX--I hope that is clear,
V is the VISUAL editor here.
W stands for the WINDOWS we use,
and X for the windowing system we choose.

Y is for YACC, quite a specialist tool,
Z for the snores from the programming pool.

This was found on a sig file on another group: "Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support for a lifetime."

ahhahhahah

This is becoming one of my favorite threads although thats kind of sad that I get all these jokes. Anyways here's one of my favorite jokes:
The Evolution of a Programmer

High School/Jr.High


10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END


First year in College

program Hello(input, output)
begin
writeln('Hello World')
end.


Senior year in College

(defun hello
(print
(cons 'Hello (list 'World))))


New professional

#include <stdio.h>
void main(void)
{
char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"};
int i;

for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i)
printf("%s", message[i]);
printf("\n");
}


Seasoned professional

#include <iostream.h>
#include <string.h>

class string
{
private:
int size;
char *ptr;

public:
string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {}

string(const string &s) : size(s.size)
{
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, s.ptr);
}

~string()
{
delete [] ptr;
}

friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &);
string &operator=(const char *);
};

ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s)
{
return(stream << s.ptr);
}

string &string::operator=(const char *chrs)
{
if (this != &chrs)
{
delete [] ptr;
size = strlen(chrs);
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, chrs);
}
return(*this);
}

int main()
{
string str;

str = "Hello World";
cout << str << endl;

return(0);
}


Master Programmer

[
uuid(2573F8F4-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
]
library LHello
{
// bring in the master library
importlib("actimp.tlb");
importlib("actexp.tlb");

// bring in my interfaces
#include "pshlo.idl"

[
uuid(2573F8F5-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
]
cotype THello
{
interface IHello;
interface IPersistFile;
};
};

[
exe,
uuid(2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
]
module CHelloLib
{

// some code related header files
importheader(<windows.h>);
importheader(<ole2.h>);
importheader(<except.hxx>);
importheader("pshlo.h");
importheader("shlo.hxx");
importheader("mycls.hxx");

// needed typelibs
importlib("actimp.tlb");
importlib("actexp.tlb");
importlib("thlo.tlb");

[
uuid(2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820),
aggregatable
]
coclass CHello
{
cotype THello;
};
};


#include "ipfix.hxx"

extern HANDLE hEvent;

class CHello : public CHelloBase
{
public:
IPFIX(CLSID_CHello);

CHello(IUnknown *pUnk);
~CHello();

HRESULT __stdcall PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString);

private:
static int cObjRef;
};


#include <windows.h>
#include <ole2.h>
#include <stdio.h>
#include <stdlib.h>
#include "thlo.h"
#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "mycls.hxx"

int CHello::cObjRef = 0;

CHello::CHello(IUnknown *pUnk) : CHelloBase(pUnk)
{
cObjRef++;
return;
}

HRESULT __stdcall CHello::PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString)
{
printf("%ws\n", pwszString);
return(ResultFromScode(S_OK));
}


CHello::~CHello(void)
{

// when the object count goes to zero, stop the server
cObjRef--;
if( cObjRef == 0 )
PulseEvent(hEvent);

return;
}

#include <windows.h>
#include <ole2.h>
#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "mycls.hxx"

HANDLE hEvent;

int _cdecl main(
int argc,
char * argv[]
) {
ULONG ulRef;
DWORD dwRegistration;
CHelloCF *pCF = new CHelloCF();

hEvent = CreateEvent(NULL, FALSE, FALSE, NULL);

// Initialize the OLE libraries
CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED);

CoRegisterClassObject(CLSID_CHello, pCF, CLSCTX_LOCAL_SERVER,
REGCLS_MULTIPLEUSE, &dwRegistration);

// wait on an event to stop
WaitForSingleObject(hEvent, INFINITE);

// revoke and release the class object
CoRevokeClassObject(dwRegistration);
ulRef = pCF->Release();

// Tell OLE we are going away.
CoUninitialize();

return(0); }

extern CLSID CLSID_CHello;
extern UUID LIBID_CHelloLib;

CLSID CLSID_CHello = { /* 2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */
0x2573F891,
0xCFEE,
0x101A,
{ 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 }
};

UUID LIBID_CHelloLib = { /* 2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */
0x2573F890,
0xCFEE,
0x101A,
{ 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 }
};

#include <windows.h>
#include <ole2.h>
#include <stdlib.h>
#include <string.h>
#include <stdio.h>
#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "clsid.h"

int _cdecl main(
int argc,
char * argv[]
) {
HRESULT hRslt;
IHello *pHello;
ULONG ulCnt;
IMoniker * pmk;
WCHAR wcsT[_MAX_PATH];
WCHAR wcsPath[2 * _MAX_PATH];

// get object path
wcsPath[0] = '\0';
wcsT[0] = '\0';
if( argc > 1) {
mbstowcs(wcsPath, argv[1], strlen(argv[1]) + 1);
wcsupr(wcsPath);
}
else {
fprintf(stderr, "Object path must be specified\n");
return(1);
}

// get print string
if(argc > 2)
mbstowcs(wcsT, argv[2], strlen(argv[2]) + 1);
else
wcscpy(wcsT, L"Hello World");

printf("Linking to object %ws\n", wcsPath);
printf("Text String %ws\n", wcsT);

// Initialize the OLE libraries
hRslt = CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED);

if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {


hRslt = CreateFileMoniker(wcsPath, &pmk);
if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt))
hRslt = BindMoniker(pmk, 0, IID_IHello, (void **)&pHello);

if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {

// print a string out
pHello->PrintSz(wcsT);

Sleep(2000);
ulCnt = pHello->Release();
}
else
printf("Failure to connect, status: %lx", hRslt);

// Tell OLE we are going away.
CoUninitialize();
}

return(0);
}




Apprentice Hacker

#!/usr/local/bin/perl
$msg="Hello, world.\n";
if ($#ARGV >= 0) {
while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) {
$outfilename = $arg;
open(FILE, ">" . $outfilename) || die "Can't write $arg: $!\n";
print (FILE $msg);
close(FILE) || die "Can't close $arg: $!\n";
}
} else {
print ($msg);
}
1;




Experienced Hacker

#include <stdio.h>
#define S "Hello, World\n"
main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);}




Seasoned Hacker

% cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c
% a.out




Guru Hacker

% echo "Hello, world."




New Manager

10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END




Middle Manager

mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12
Bob, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello,
world."?
I need it by tomorrow.
^D




Senior Manager

% zmail jim
I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon.




Chief Executive

% letter
letter: Command not found.
% mail
To: ^X ^F ^C
% help mail
help: Command not found.
% damn!
!: Event unrecognized
% logout

Elegant, adj, of code: when the description of the algorithm a code implements is longer than the code itself.

Hack, adj, of code: when the description of the function of a line of code is longer than the line itself.

Conversation overheard between a 5-year-old and a 3-year-old:

Little brother: What do I do now?
Big brother: Throw the toilet paper in the toilet.
Little brother: Like this?
Big brother: Yeah.
Little brother: Now what?
Big brother: Hit "ENTER."
Little brother: "ENTER"?
Big brother: I mean "flush."

Then there was the man who was so imbued with science that he sent two of his children to Sunday school and kept the other two home as controls.

so very bad great therd uncle phil

Earlier this week, a Microsoft security guard caught two non-Microsoft employees playing volleyball on our campus volleyball court and asked them to leave the premises.

When asked by a fellow employee how he knew that the two were not Microsoft employees, the guard replied:

"They had tans."

This thread is hilarious. This from Al Lowe's Humor Site:




Private Function getProgrammerExcuse() As String

Dim myExcuses(1 to 21) As String


myExcuses(1) = "Did you check for a virus on your system?",

myExcuses(2) = "Didn't I fix that already?",
myExcuses(3) = "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?",
myExcuses(4) = "Has the operating system been updated?",
myExcuses(5) = "How is that possible?",
myExcuses(6) = "I can't test everything!",
myExcuses(7) = "I haven't touched that module in weeks!",
myExcuses(8) = "I thought I fixed that.",
myExcuses(9) = "I'm almost ready.",
myExcuses(10) = "It must be a hardware problem.",
myExcuses(11) = "It will be done in no time at all.",
myExcuses(12) = "It worked yesterday.",
myExcuses(13) = "It works, but it's not been tested.",
myExcuses(14) = "It's already there, but it has not been tested.",
myExcuses(15) = "It's just some unlucky coincidence.",
myExcuses(16) = "It's never done that before.",
myExcuses(17) = "I've never heard about that.",
myExcuses(18) = "Must be a virus.",
myExcuses(19) = "Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.",
myExcuses(20) = "Oh, that? It's a feature.",
myExcuses(21) = "Probably user error.",
myExcuses(22) = "Somebody must have changed my code.",
myExcuses(23) = "That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature.",
myExcuses(24) = "There is something wrong in your test data.",
myExcuses(25) = "This can't do that!",
myExcuses(26) = "Well, the program needs some fixing.",
myExcuses(27) = "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?",
myExcuses(28) = "Where were you when the program blew up?",
myExcuses(29) = "Why would you want to do it that way?",
myExcuses(30) = "You can't use that version on your system.",
myExcuses(31) = "You must have the wrong executable.",
myExcuses(32) = "Your machine must be broken."
Dim randomChoice As New Random(UBound(myExcuses))
Dim iRandomChoice As Integer = randomChoice.Next()


Return myExcuses(iRandomChoice)

End Function

I once service worked for a chem teacher in highschool.. He'd make up jokes that have to do with the Periodic Table of the elements...

Here's one me and a friend made up ;)

What do you call Santa when he sets houses on fire?
------- Arsenic

Q: What's the difference between a quantum mechanic and an auto mechanic?

A: A quantum mechanic can get his car into the garage without opening the door

You'd better not t
You'd better not f
You'd better not r, I'm tellin' you why
W is coming to town!

Why do tech supporters make such great lovers?

Because they know when not to answer the phone!!

Imagine for a moment if the computer revolution had occured a decade or so sooner. With all the power and chaos of the 60s, it's not to hard to go further and pretend that


Computer Nerds Could Have Controlled Network Programming

Gilligan's Island:
The Professor finds some rare binary coconuts that can be used to upgrade the ROM in his bamboo clone modem to support X.25. After hours of effort, he manages to establish a connection via his papaya-based VT 100 terminal and satellite uplink with Telenet, but falls asleep from exhaustion. Gilligan walks up and types "+++" then "ATH" and drops the line. The Skipper beans him with a rock and finally loses it, his seafaring years catch up with him and he starts making lewd remarks to Mary Ann about playing Leisure Suit Larry IV together. Meanwhile, Mr. Howell finally figures out how to work the ISDN set that was accidentally dropped by a passing JAL jet and has a heart attack when he hears via Dow Jones News Retrieval that the stock market has soared above 3000 points. Ginger calls CompuServe and E-mails some software developers in an effort to convince them that she should would be a good model for MacStripPoker 2.0. Eventually, all connectivity on the island is lost, when Gilligan discovers an actor in a bad gorilla costume has shorted pins 2&3 on the serial cable, and everybody on the island has just been echoing characters to each other.


Beverly Hillbillies
Miss Jane tries to convince Mr. Drysdale to network all the PCs in the bank, but, typically, he won't spend the money. Frustrated, Miss Jane pleads with Jed Clampett to persuade Mr. Drysdale to "put in the LAN," but Jed thinks she said, "put in the ham." Jed then gets Granny to cook up a dozen hams and has Jethro and Ellie Mae bring them to the bank. When they arrive, everybody is out to lunch, so Jethro begins to distribute the hams, but is frustrated when he can't get the coaxial cable to stay attached to the ham bone. To further complicate matters, Ellie May has brought along her pet goats, which begin to eat the ham and cable, causing the the VAX to short out and force an emergency electronic fund transfer of the Clampett millions to a competitive bank. As Mr. Drysdale is seen chasing Miss Jane down the hall with a crazed look in his eye, swinging a ham at her, Jed is heard to remark, "Weee-doggie! Why look at that Granny. Mr. Drysdale is so happy about whut we done, he's gonna give Miss Jane her own ham!"


The Brady Bunch
Peter uses Crosstalk Mk.4 to dial into the high school computer and, through hacking tricks picked up from a local "adults only" BBS, is able to access individual students' "permanent records." He scans through the listings, then, using a clever keyboard macro, alters his completed courses such that he won't be required to take English Lit again. However, Jan is working in the school office at the time and is alerted to the invasion by a diligent anti-viral TSR. She is then tormented with having to decide to do the "right thing" or be loyal to her brother. Jan goes home and talks to Alice, who says she should analyze all the factors and then decide after using the new artificial intelligence software Mr. Brady has recently installed on his '386 laptop. Jan tries to use the program, but instead accidently deletes all the files in the Harvard Graphics directory, leaving Mr. Brady to blow a presentation the next day. Mrs. Brady finds out via Jan what happened, and forces Peter to write "I will not hack into the school computer" 5000 times with EDLIN while the rest of the family eats angel food cake on the patio.


The Mary Tyler Moore Show
Mr. Grant tells Mary to come up with some hard facts about all the activity out in Silicon Valley. Mary grabs her Mac portable and jumps on a plane west. Unfortunately, she leaves the Mac switched on and, due to an undiscovered bug in the latest release of System and Finder, the hard disk continually optimizes itself when no keyboard input is recorded for more than five minutes. Needless to say, she has a dead Mac when arriving and spends the next few hours trying to find a replacement. Meanwhile, Ted begins his broadcast and notes that "We expected to have some good information about Silicon Valley for this broadcast, but somebody had to take a Mac and not a reliable laptop PC!" Frantic, Mary calls long distance over crystalline fiber optic lines to get help from Rhoda, who doesn't answer the phone because she is playing Bomber and has the headphones on. However, Phyllis's snotty daughter is around and answers. She listens to Mary whine, then hangs up the phone. Mary is last seen violently flinging the Mac out a speeding taxi window while crossing the Bay Bridge.

Q: whats the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer

A: one builds weapons and the other builds targets

Top 10 Things they dont teach at engineering school

10. There are about 10 types of capacitors.
9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it doesn't work.
8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
6. Always try to fix the hardware with the software.
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
3. Engineers rule the world until the next revision.
2. If you like junk food, caffeine, and all-nighters, then you should go into architecture.
1. Dilbert is a documentary.

An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new bike.

"Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first.

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

There are so many programming languages available that it can be very difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick the right one for you. On the other hand most men know what kind of woman appeals to them. So here is a handy guide for many of the popular programming languages that describes what kind of women they would be if programming languages were women.

Assembler--A female track star who holds all the world speed records. She is hard and bumpy, and so is not that pleasant to embrace. She can cook up any meal, but needs a complete and detailed recipe. She is not beautiful or educated, and speaks in monosyllables like "MOV, JUMP, INC." She has a fierce and violent temper that make her the choice of last resort.

FORTRAN--Your grey-haired grandmother. People make fun of her just because she is old, but if you take the time to listen, you can learn from her experiences and her mistakes. During her lifetime she has acquired many useful skills in sewing and cooking (subroutine libraries). That no younger women can match, so be thankful she is still around. She has a notoriously bad temper and when angered will start yelling and throwing dishes. It was mostly her bad temper that made grandad search for another wife.

COBOL--A plump secretary. She talks far too much, and most of what she says can be ignored. She works hard and long hours, but can't handle really complicated jobs. She has a short and unpredictable temper, so no one really likes working with her. She can cook meals for a huge family, but only knows bland recipes.

BASIC--The horny divorcee that lives next door. Her specialty is seducing young boys and it seems she is always readily available for them. She teaches them many amazing things, or at least they seem amazing because it is their first experience. She is not that young herself, but because she was their first lover the boys always remember her fondly. Her cooking and sewing skills are mediocre, but largely irrelevant, it's the frolicking that the boys like. The opinion that adults have of Mrs. BASIC is varied. Shockingly, some fathers actually introduce their own sons to this immoral woman! But generally the more righteous adults try to correct the badly influenced young men by introducing them to well behaved women like Miss Pascal.

PL/I--A bordello madam. She wears silk dresses, diamonds, furs and red high heels. At one time she seemed very attractive, but now she just seems overweight and tacky. Tastes change.

C--A lady executive. An avid jogger, very healthy, and not too talkative. Is an good cook if you like spicy food. Unless you double check everything you say (through LINT) you can unleash her fierce temper. Her daughter C++ is still quite young and prone to tantrums, but it seems that she will grow up into a fine young woman of milder temper and more sophisticated character.

ALGOL 60--Your father's wartime sweetheart, petite, well proportioned, and sweet tempered. She disappeared mysteriously during the war, but your dad still talks about her shapely form and their steamy romance. He never actually tasted much of her cooking.

Pascal--A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60's younger sister. Like her sister she is petite and attractive, but very bossy. She is a good cook but only if the recipe requires no more than one pot (module).

Modula II--A high-school teacher and Pascal's daughter. Very much like her mother, but she has learned to cook with more than one pot.

ALGOL 68--Algol 60's niece. A high-society woman, well educated and terse. Few men can fully understand her when she talks, and her former lovers still discuss her mysterious personality. She is very choosy about her romances and won't take just any man as her lover. She hasn't been seen lately, and rumor has it that she died in a fall from an ivory tower.

LISP--She is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural commune with her hippie cousins SMALLTALK and FORTH. Many men (mostly college students) who have visited the farmhouse enthusiastically praise the natural food, and perpetual love-ins that take place there. Others criticize the long cooking times, and the abnormal sexual postures (prefix and postfix). Although these women seldom have full-time jobs, when they do work, their employers praise them for their imagination, but usually not for their efficiency.

APL--A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food. She can cook delicious meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens of people at each table. She doesn't talk much, as that would just slow her work down. Few people can understand her recipes, since they are in a foreign language, and are all recorded in mirror writing.

LOGO--A grade-school art teacher. She is just the kind of teacher that you wish you had when you were young. She is shapely and patient, but not an interesting conversationalist. She can cook up delicious kiddie snacks, but not full-course meals.

LUCID & PROLOG--These clever teenagers show a new kind of cooking skill. They can cook-up fine meals without the use of recipes, working solely from a description of the desired meal (declarative cooking). Many men are fascinated by this and have already proposed marriage. Others complain that the girls work very slowly, and that often the description of the meal must be just as long as a recipe would be. It is hard to predict what these girls will be like when they are fully mature.

Ada--A WAC colonel built like an amazon. She is always setting strict rules, but if you follow them, she keeps her temper. She is quite talkative, always spouting army regulations, and using obscure military talk. You gotta love her though, because the army says so.

:p

A programmer for Hewlett-Packard went to the doctor complaining about pain in her wrists. The doctor poked and prodded her (with cold instruments) for a while and issued of a prognosis.

"You have carpal tunnel syndrome, but it's in its early stages. You should be able to continue work, but you should give up half of your programming."

"Which half? Writing memos about it or attending meetings about it?"

haha maybe by the time she was close enough he could pull it out and reach her...

:confused:

Disclaimer to be used when purchasing software:


AGREEMENT AND LIMITED WARRANTY
This check is fully warranted against physical defects and poor workmanship in its stationery. If the check is physically damaged, return it to me and I will replace or repair it at my discretion. No other warranty of any kind is made, neither express nor implied including, but not limited to, the implied warranties of Merchantability, Suitability for Purpose, and Validity of Currency. Any and all risk concerning the actual value of this check is assumed by you, the recipient. Even though I or my agents may have assured you of its worth, either verbally or in written communication, we may have had our fingers crossed, so don't come whimpering back to me if it bounces.

The money, if any, represented by this instrument remains my property. You are licensed to use it, however you are not allowed to copy the original check except for your personal records, nor are you permitted to give the money itself to anyone else. Neither may you allow any other person to use the money. Remember, you may have it in your possession, but it still belongs to me, and I'm going to call on you from time to time just to keep tabs on it.

This agreement supersedes all others between us, including the equally ridiculous one you have undoubtedly pasted on the back of your packaging, or concealed somewhere in the middle of it. The location of your version of this or any other covenant between us is irrelevant to its inapplicability here. Only this one pertains, and I really mean it. In fact, this one supersedes yours even though yours may say that it supersedes mine. Why, even if yours said it would supersede mine even if mine said it would supersede yours even if yours said... Oh well. You get the idea.

You may decline this agreement by returning the uncashed check to me within twenty-four hours. If you attempt to cash it, however, you have implicitly accepted these terms. You may also implicitly accept these terms by:

1) Calling my bank to inquire about the status of my account;

2) Thanking me at the conclusion of our business transaction;

3) Going to bed at the end of this or any other day; or

4) Using any toilet or rest room.

Please be advised that I have adopted a strict rubber-glue policy. Any nasty thing that your lawyers say bounces off of me and sticks back to you. Be further advised that you agree to pay my legal expenses if I decide to sue you for violating this agreement or for any other reason that might strike my fancy. Violations will be punishable by fine, imprisonment, death, any two of the above, or all three.

Thank you and have a nice day!

haha, great stuff, thanks

Q: How many hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Zero. Nobody knew they were there.

Q: Why do computer scientists make such lousy lovers?

A: Cause they always want to do the job faster than before. And when they do, they say the performance has improved.

If only software dealers were as fastidious as restaurants.

A restaurant will give me the food for free if I find one bug in it.

These are excellent. :) I especially loved the check disclaimer.

PROGRAMMER'S DRINKING SONG

100 little bugs in the code,
100 bugs in the code,

fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.

101 little bugs in the code.....

Repeat until BUGS = 0

It occurred to me this morning that many system design flaws can be traced to unwarrantedly anthropomorphizing the user.

If a train-station is where a train stops what happens at a workstation?

Heard about the new hubble cocktail? It's expensive and when you drink it, everything looks fuzzy ...

Time to take one back for the engineers! =)


A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question. If you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then, you ask me a question. If I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The programmer, by now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"

This catches the engineer's attention and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the programmer. Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The programmer looks at him, puzzled. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends email to all of his coworkers -- all to no avail.

Hours later, as the flight is getting ready to land, the programmer finally gives up. He wakes the engineer and hands him $50. The engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away, to try to catch a few last winks.

The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, and hands the programmer $5.

Programming Languages are Like Cars

Assembler: A formula I race car. Very fast but difficult to drive and maintain.
FORTRAN II: A Model T Ford. Once it was the king of the road.
FORTRAN IV: A Model A Ford.
FORTRAN 77: a six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and no seat belts.
COBOL: A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly but it does the work.
BASIC: A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched upholstery. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive. You'll ditch it as soon as you can afford a new one.
PL/I: A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two-tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield.
C++: A black Firebird, the all macho car. Comes with optional seatbelt (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to assembler).
ALGOL 60: An Austin Mini. Boy that's a small car.
ALGOL 68: An Aston Martin. An impressive car but not just anyone can drive it.
Pascal: A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once popular with intellectual types.
LISP: An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are not available.
PROLOG/LUCID: Prototype concept cars.
FORTH: A go-cart.
LOGO: A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real engine and a working horn.
APL: A double-decker bus. It takes rows and columns of passengers to the same place all at the same time but it drives only in reverse and is instrumented in Greek.
Ada: An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering, power brakes, and automatic transmission are standard. No other colors or options are available. If it's good enough for generals, it's good enough for you.
Java: All-terrain very slow vehicle.

If architects had to work like programmers


Dear Mr. Architect:
Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.

My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one.

Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them).

As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)

Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that kitchen should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952 Gibson refrigerator.

To insure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, make certain that you contact each of our children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of thses options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices that you make.

Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house: get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpet. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.

Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours.

While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area that they like the features this house has.

I advise you to run up and look at my neighbor's house he constructed last year. We like it a great deal. It has many features that we would also like in our new home, particularily the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the final cost.

Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.

You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans.

PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.

PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case.

NEW TECHNOLOGY ANNOUNCEMENT FROM APPLE

In a surprise announcment, yesterday, Apple Computer said that it is finally doing away with the keyboard. Apple stated that the microcomputer user has suffered too long with this awkward and inefficient input device. According to an Apple spokesperson, the technology for replacing the keyboard with only a mouse is here and the computer user is ready for it. The spokesperson said that Apple has received a steady stream of complaints over the years about the need to constantly move the hands between the Mac keyboard and mouse. "The solution was obvious - do away with the keyboard completely."

Acknowledging that there are still a few Mac applications that depend on textual input in addition to graphical manipulation, Apple said the poor people stuck with such outdated technology have not been forgotten. They are introducing the Spinning Alphabet Wheel (SAW) to replace the keyboard. The SAW is a screen display object consisting of concentric circular strips showing all of the characters which normally appear on the keyboard. The wheel rotates continuously under character selector windows. The user selects a character by placing the mouse pointer in the appropriate window at the same time as the desired character is about the appear. "...and, ta-da, the selected character appears on the screen just as though it had been typed on an old fashioned keyboard."

"This is a marvelous new technology with plenty of room for growth." said the spokesperson. For example, the user can configure separate wheels for vowels vs. the consonants. Or, digits can be placed on their own special low speed wheel. "We have conceptualized the keyboard as a big, bulky menu selection device and replaced it with dynamic display menus instead. Apple will eventually replace all menus with their new Rotating Wheel Technology (RWT)."

When asked why the wheels have to rotate, the spokesperson said that Apple's engineers had considered using conventional "point-and- click" technology for the wheel. "However," the Apple spokesperson said, "we feel that this type of operation is too complicated for the typical Mac user. So, we have done away with the mouse button too. It is still hard for us to believe that the IBM world has stepped backwards in technology by providing two or more buttons to confuse the user. The IBM compatible sector, apparently, has not yet recognized that 95% of computer usage is devoted to experimenting with different fonts and character styles in documents"

Asked if this new technology would reduce the price of the typical Mac computer, the spokesperson countered that it would probably increase the price of the Mac. "After all, display space is already scarce on the current screen. We will now deliver Macs with two screens - one for the normal display and a larger one for the multitude of rotating wheels the user needs to access." Apple said that the user who is confused by complicated devices such as keyboards and mouse buttons will gladly pay a premium to avoid them. "In fact, the easily-confused user is our best customer" replied the spokesperson. "Not only are we doing away with the pesky keyboard, but we are also giving them something they have demanded for a long time - more screen space. This is definitely a win-win situation."

Beta testers of the new technology were impressed by its ease of use, but said there are still some minor problems to work out. For example, one tester left his machine unattended with the uppercase character wheel spinning at medium speed. While he was away somebody must have jarred his desk, moving the mouse pointer into the selector window. When he got back he found that his Word document now had one huge paragraph consisting of all of the characters of the uppercase alphabet repeated 2,539,987 times. "At first glance, this appeared to be a big problem. But, I formatted the new paragraph with 33 different fonts and 11 different type styles and it looked great. I hope that Apple fixes this problem before they release it, because these accidents can greatly increase the time spent formatting documents."

NEW VIRUSES:

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once by LAN. Twice if by C:.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

THE MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENNEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents you system from spawning and child processes without joining into a binary network.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixy percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

Why the Internet Is Like a Vagina


The more people use it the bigger it gets.
If you play with it too much you can go blind.
You wouldn't believe the things people put in there!
Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they really can't interface.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.
If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
You think you're just playing around, but you can get involved in something that takes 9 months to finish.
The part you see is actually just the front end of a very complicated system.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"
Some folks have it, some don't.
Those who have it think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it spend all their time trying to access it.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
Some people believe in security and avoiding penetration but others believe it should be open to all comers.
Both are subject to abuse by hardware dongles.

Drug dealers and Programmer Similarities:
" The first one is free" "Download a free trial version" . Have important South-Asia connections (to help move the stuff) Have important South-Asia connections (to help debug the code). Strange jargon : " Stick", " Rock", " Dime bag", " E" Strange jargon: " TCP/IP", " XML", " Java", " SQL". Realize that there's a ton of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market Realize that there's a ton of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, more potent mixes Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, faster machines. Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists Their products cause unhealthy addictions. DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D.; Enough said. Do your job well and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you Damn! Damn! DAMN!

General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive. Imagine if they did ...



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"
HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
Customer: "What's an ignition?"
HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery
and turns over the engine."
Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to
know all these technical terms just to use my car?"




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"
HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"
HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and
markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"
Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase
some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the
vendor to install it for you."
Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I
have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes
with everything built in!"




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Your cars suck!"
HelpLine: "What's wrong?"
Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!"
HelpLine: "What were you doing?"
Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the
way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and
it won't start now!
HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you
expect us to do about it?"
Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't
crash any more!"




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it
has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering,
power brakes, and power door locks."
HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
Customer: "How do I work it?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "Do I know how to what?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!"

Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant?
A: A mad scientist.

Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on
Pentiums?
A1: Warning label.
A2: Truth in advertising.

Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.

Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply
is to

1. Divide
2. ROUND
3. RANDOM
4. On a Pentium, all of the above

A: Number 4.

Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?
A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)

Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards
754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft
designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of
"IEEE"?
A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!

MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church

VATICAN CITY (AP)--In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution--even reduce your time in Purgatory--all without leaving your home."

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello--in character as Father Guido Sarducci--hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.

"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea--we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home."

Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired--"One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.

50 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE PEOPLE IN THE
COMPUTER LAB


Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.

Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.

Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.

Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

"DISK FIGHT!!!"

Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets.

Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.

Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?" unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?"
Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.

Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!" and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!" then calmly sit down and begin to type.

Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week."

Two words: Tesla Coil.

Proper Diskette and Care Usage


Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big"

Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.

Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.

Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.

If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading...

So many geek jokes. Best. Post. Ever.
They were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat. So they release the drunkard as well.

The engineer is next. He too, decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says, "Hey, I think the problem is that the cable is binding right here.... "

America Online has been distributing "10 Hours Free" disks like crazy. They come with magazines, they come by themselves, they are attached to trade journals etc. I have about a thousand of them now. I have never expressed an interest in AOL but these disks keep mounting up.


Things to do about all of your AOL disks.

Collect two solar masses worth and detonate the sun. [copied from a signature seen on the net.]

Activate each account with a different cartoon character name like Bullwinkle, Barney Rubble, Tasmanian Devil, etc. See if you run out of names before you run out of disks.

Activate the disks one at a time. For each disk you activate, download enough files to fill up the reformatted activation disk. Don't stop until you have downloaded all data AOL has to offer. Use remaining unactivated disks for backup of downloaded data.

Get 1000 people to all activate all of their disks at the same time.

Monitor trade journals to see which disk storage manufacturer gets AOL's order for new multi-terabyte drive to hold subscriber data base.

Tile your bathroom with your collection. Submit picture of bathroom to GQ (Geek Quarterly) magazine.

Donate disks to charity. Tell IRS that each disk contains $10 worth of software. Use resulting deductions to buy Lichtenstein.

Call the FBI and tell them that these disks are made from refined uranium and homes across the country will begin exploding as soon as they reach critical mass.

Activate all of your disk simultaneously using different ids. Making effective use of mail forwarding and distrubtion lists, bring AOL to a screeching halt by creating, sending, forwarding and reforwarding the following message among the various account: "Stop sending these f*****g disks."

Erase all disks, put new labels on them and resell them as new. Retire at age 43.

Start pyramid scheme with chain letter that tells recipient to mail 1 disk to each of the five people listed in the letter and to send the letter to five more people.

ONOS! I actually laughed out loud at this one. Damn i am a geek.

Hi-Tech Coasters - Free!

This is a special, limited offer for free hi-tech coasters to place your cups and mugs upon.

Sized and shaped exactly like 3 1/2" high density disks, these durable plastic coasters will provide years of service while keeping your hardwood furniture free of those nasty rings of dried soda and coffee. Order several to leave around the house - for the living room, next to the computer, etc. Coasters can be custom printed with the word "Macintosh" or "Windows" to suit your individual preferences.

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Very enjoyable!