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Old 10-13-2003, 11:01 AM   #1 (permalink)
Crazy
 
just HAD to share this :)

This is a true story (not mine though)



If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story that follows will make you laugh.
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help him? I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)

"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce!" I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!" she inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know, "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."

"What!?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er... masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just...Excited?" my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence.

Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.

Enough said.
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Old 10-13-2003, 12:15 PM   #2 (permalink)
It wasnt me
 
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Location: Scotland
This is by far and away the best joke posted here recently!
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Old 10-13-2003, 12:21 PM   #3 (permalink)
Devoted
 
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Simply beautiful. I believe that it is true, there are some things that are beyond fiction.
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Old 10-13-2003, 12:22 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Location: wherever I am
a bit long but worth every minute spent reading it.
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Old 10-13-2003, 02:06 PM   #5 (permalink)
Crazy
 
animals masturbate???
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Old 10-13-2003, 04:53 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Location: Northeastern US - please send help!
Hands down (um... sorry uffjohn... bad choice of words), the funniest thing I've read in my time on this forum.
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Old 10-13-2003, 07:57 PM   #7 (permalink)
Go Cardinals
 
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Location: St. Louis/Cincinnati
HAHA

Funny story, evne funnier that is is true.
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Old 10-14-2003, 08:26 AM   #8 (permalink)
will always be an Alyson Hanniganite
 
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Location: In the dust of the archives
That was the funniest thing that I've read in a very long time.
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Old 10-14-2003, 08:39 AM   #9 (permalink)
paranoid
 
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Location: The Netherlands
Very, very good!

Too bad I can imagine my GF behaving EXACTLY the same way
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Old 10-14-2003, 10:04 AM   #10 (permalink)
TIO
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Classic!
I can sympathise with your wife...I don't think I'd be able to hold my tongue either!
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Old 10-14-2003, 10:42 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Location: Michigan
Ok, now that the tears are outta my eyes..... damn !!! that was funny!
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Old 10-14-2003, 12:02 PM   #12 (permalink)
Crazy
 
*3 cheers*

That was the awesomest joke ever.

Keep 'em coming
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Old 10-14-2003, 06:27 PM   #13 (permalink)
Insane
 
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Location: There's no place like home..
That was THE best joke I have ever read here in the forums!
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Old 10-14-2003, 06:43 PM   #14 (permalink)
Crazy
 
This is the funniest thing I had ever read. The person thought it was a foot and pulled it. I actually laughed in real life when I read that part.
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Old 10-14-2003, 07:05 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Location: Simi Valley, CA
What a great joke.
What a poor confused little kid.
First it's dying, then it's having babies, then it's masturbating.
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Old 10-15-2003, 03:57 PM   #16 (permalink)
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lol wow that was nothing what i expected it to be, but thanx for the great laugh, although now i have this horrible mental image in my head
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Old 10-15-2003, 04:33 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Location: Sunny S.FLA
haha this got a chuckle out of me

Nice n' cute
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Old 10-16-2003, 07:23 AM   #18 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Yep that has got to be the funniest thing i have read here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 10-17-2003, 09:16 AM   #19 (permalink)
spurt king
 
Location: Out of my mind
Fantastic!!!!!
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Old 10-17-2003, 11:07 AM   #20 (permalink)
Insane
 
simply put that is a classic LOL great
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Old 10-17-2003, 04:50 PM   #21 (permalink)
Insane
 
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Location: Foregin student in Texas atm.
you cant blame her for laughing, but she was a meanie
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Old 10-18-2003, 12:53 AM   #22 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: Newcastle-Australia
O just so funny,thanks.
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Old 10-18-2003, 01:10 PM   #23 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: where happiness lives
Re: just HAD to share this :)

Quote:
Originally posted by uffjohn
This is a true story (not mine though)


(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

I bet God as some wonderful tasting sake
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Old 10-20-2003, 04:47 PM   #24 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: USA
Absolutely perfect......particularly if you have a wife and kids. Thanks for posting.
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Old 10-21-2003, 05:28 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Location: K-Town, TN
He he he, very nice. I would buy Ernie a female hamster, just to ensure I never made that same mistake again.
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Old 10-21-2003, 07:07 PM   #26 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: The capital of the free world??
That was awesome. Im in tears its so funny
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Old 10-21-2003, 08:30 PM   #27 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Can't...stop...laughing...hahahahahahah. Great story man.
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Old 10-22-2003, 06:33 AM   #28 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: some volcano in the middle of the pacific
that was great - i will never look at a hamster the same way again.
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Old 10-22-2003, 07:09 AM   #29 (permalink)
I and I
 
Location: Stillwater, OK
Oh man....that was hilarious!
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Old 10-22-2003, 02:23 PM   #30 (permalink)
mml
Adrift
 
Location: Wandering in the Desert of Life
Made my day, thanks.
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Old 10-22-2003, 03:07 PM   #31 (permalink)
The GrandDaddy of them all!
 
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Location: Austin, TX
LOL! that's so awesome! lol lol
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Old 10-23-2003, 06:28 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Location: Tampa
"NOT MINE THO"
bwahahaahahaha ... that was a great post....
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Old 10-23-2003, 10:27 PM   #33 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Something similar happened to me. I thought one of my pet rats was sick and he was just ... uh ... how do you say ... self-engrossed? I didn't 'assist' him, though.
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Old 10-24-2003, 02:39 AM   #34 (permalink)
These pretzels are making me thirsty!!
 
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Location: 105B
oh that was good
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Old 10-29-2003, 12:50 PM   #35 (permalink)
Upright
 
Oh man thats funny!
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Old 11-25-2003, 02:39 AM   #36 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Norway
outragous!!!
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Old 11-25-2003, 06:39 AM   #37 (permalink)
Junkie
 
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Location: Louisville, KY
I had hampsters named Bert and Ernie! Too weird...Bert used to chew Ernie's ears, but I don't remember seeing them whack off.
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Old 11-25-2003, 12:08 PM   #38 (permalink)
Tilted
 
that was sweet, laughed through most of it
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Old 11-25-2003, 12:09 PM   #39 (permalink)
Addict
 
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Location: Nor Cal
oh, that was hilarious, dad pulling on the member thinking it was a foot. classis
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Old 11-25-2003, 12:22 PM   #40 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: ...We have a problem.
Now a poll: how many people had hamsters named Bert and Ernie? OR
Most popular hamster names:
1 - Bert and Ernie
2 - Romeo and Juliet
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