Peter Kaye - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Insomniac(uk) · 09-19-2003, 02:44 AM

Some of the great Bolton comedians one-liners, enjoy! (to anyone that's seen the video / DVD, Bacon slicer, he was sticking his *dick* in the bacon slicer, I sacked her as well [love that joke])

* I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

* When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

* Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

* I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

* I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

* I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

* A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

* well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

* My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

* sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

* I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

* I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

* You know that look women get when they want sex? Me either.

* Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

* I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

* right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

Dunta · 09-20-2003, 07:57 AM

bluearmy · 09-20-2003, 09:19 AM

Peter Kaye is brilliant his Phoenix nights series is the best thing on telly.

MichaelFarker · 09-21-2003, 08:32 PM

I've never heard of him, but I found some of these hilarious. Thanks for introducing me to his comedy.

Latch · 09-22-2003, 02:07 AM

He's new to me as well, but those are some pretty good lines. Well done!

Damnfinn · 09-22-2003, 06:52 AM

Some of those are great. I had never heard of him either until now.

bfoz · 09-23-2003, 02:35 AM

Very good!

To anyone who doesn't know. He's really big in the UK and his best DVD is this one:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/...084256-4359657

It's one of those really quotable ones!

"Garlic, bread?!"

09-19-2003, 02:44 AM	#1 (permalink)
Insomniac(uk) Tilted	Peter Kaye Some of the great Bolton comedians one-liners, enjoy! (to anyone that's seen the video / DVD, Bacon slicer, he was sticking his dick in the bacon slicer, I sacked her as well [love that joke]) * I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?' * When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. * Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine? * I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. * I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder. * I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. * A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. * well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way. * My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade. * sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. * I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough." * If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat? * I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. * You know that look women get when they want sex? Me either. * Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. * I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. * right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. * I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize __________________ Insomniac

09-20-2003, 07:57 AM	#2 (permalink)
Dunta Tilted	lol

09-22-2003, 06:52 AM	#6 (permalink)
Damnfinn Crazy Location: WI,U.S.A.	Some of those are great. I had never heard of him either until now. __________________ I was told to get a life, but all the good ones were taken.

09-20-2003, 09:19 AM	#3 (permalink)
bluearmy Insane Location: uk	Peter Kaye is brilliant his Phoenix nights series is the best thing on telly.

09-21-2003, 08:32 PM	#4 (permalink)
MichaelFarker 2+2=5? Not again! Location: Dallas, Texas	I've never heard of him, but I found some of these hilarious. Thanks for introducing me to his comedy.

09-22-2003, 02:07 AM	#5 (permalink)
Latch In Your Dreams Location: City of Lights	He's new to me as well, but those are some pretty good lines. Well done!

09-23-2003, 02:35 AM	#7 (permalink)
bfoz Upright Location: Manchester, England	Very good! To anyone who doesn't know. He's really big in the UK and his best DVD is this one: http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/...084256-4359657 It's one of those really quotable ones! "Garlic, bread?!"