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Peter Kaye
Some of the great Bolton comedians one-liners, enjoy! (to anyone that's seen the video / DVD, Bacon slicer, he was sticking his *dick* in the bacon slicer, I sacked her as well [love that joke])
* I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'
* When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
* Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
* I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
* I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
* I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
* A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
* well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
* My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
* sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
* I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."
* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
* I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
* You know that look women get when they want sex? Me either.
* Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
* I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
* right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
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Insomniac
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