damhna

Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show.

Recently, she said that as an observant Orthodox Jew homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned in any circumstance.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet:


Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to
share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination.

End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my
neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by ev.19:27. How should they die?

I) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.
Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.
Jake

tinfoil

hehe.. I love it when people have to backtrack because their own tactics are used against them.

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Get off your fuckin cross. We need the fuckin space to nail the next fool martyr.

Regziever

Rotflmao!! Man that was good!! Hehe..

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Life is shit,
Death is even worse,
So what's the point of killing yourself?
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Pellaz

Wonderful, that one's definately a keeper.

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" ' Big Mouth.
Remember it took three of you to kill me.
A god, a boy, and, last and least, a hero.' "

GSRIDER

That fuckin rocked.

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MikeyChalupa

I love it. Leviticus contains all the ammo you'd EVER need to take on the bible-bangers. Visit www.skepticsannotatedbible.com if you ever need more...

-Mikey

slant eyes

good GOD, great post

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question authority, don't ask why, just do it!

miked10270

Dear Jake,

Thank you for your kind and supportive letter. It is comforting to know that there are still true believers in the Bible out there.

To address your specific queries:


a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my
neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

Before you do smite them, can I suggest that in the interests of peace and harmony you first try inviting them to your barbeques.

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

See (d) below. The price would really depend on whether you're selling your daughter to a Canadian or a Mexican.

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

The solution to this is really quite simple. See items (f) & (g) below for guidance.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

Nothing is stopping you from owning Canadians, except possibly your own sense of self preservation. Canadians are exceptionally boring people completely unable to formulate a simple sentence without mentioning snow or ice! You've heard the phrase "Hell freezing over"? Believe me, if that ever happens it'd be indistinguishable from Canada.

e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

No, why don't you send your Canadian slave over to bore him to death. Failing which, your Mexican slave and his entire extended family could always move into your neighbours kennel.

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

This is something you should discover for yourself. I am sending you a case of fresh shellfish. Unfortunately my church is a poor one so it's coming USPS surface. Expect the shellfish to arrive in about 4 days to a week. Once you have the shellfish, invite your friend over and give him a blowjob while eating the shellfish. Let me know which one makes you puke the most.

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Nope. Sorry. No wiggle room whatsoever. So when you give your friend the blowjob you may as well swallow 'cos you're going straight to hell anyway. While you're there, please write & let me know what Canada would be like if it was warm. Actually, cancel that, I'm going to Texas next month anyway.

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by ev.19:27. How should they die?

It is already God's plan to make them suffer while on earth. That's why they have you as their friend. If you REALLY want to kill them, why not use your newly acquired blowjob skills to get them excited, then, when almost all their blood has collected, you could, you know, just chomp on it! Remember, this is NOT a good time to swallow.

I) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

I assume from this, you're referring to "American Football". This is a poofs game with all that body armour, helmets & stuff. It is an abomination, the sort of game played by men who'd give blowjobs to canadians. Learn to play proper football (soccer). That way you're kicking the dead pig skin instead of fondling it, no doubt thinking of your lover's testicles while holding the ball in front of your face.

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.
Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

Sorry, no leeway here either. I appreciate that this can cause a few problems in major urban conurbations like NY, Chicago, LA, Phoenix etc... but you've just gotta work at getting ALL the men in your town together to do this. Perhaps if you try loitering at Barbers shops offering free blowjobs to the townsmen this would be an incentive and would ultimately resolve this problem.

I trust this is of assistance to you and good luck in your future.



Yours in God,

Mr. B.L.Z. Bub,

PP Dr Laura.

red_zinfandel8

Amen. It is hard to be righteous in this day and age

raeanna74

I love this. I was raised strictly religious and have since discovered so many annoying discrepencies that I have given up trying to figure any of it out. According to them (my parents religion) I'm headed for heaven and nothing I can do can change it. If I end up in hell then there wasn't much I could do either because none of the religions make sense. On the other hand if I get reincarnated then that's a whole nother ball game. I'll try to abide by the golden rule and that's all I can promise you.

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fester

holy crap - now that's funny!

Mantus

hahahaha

loganmule

great reply...did the doc respond?

miked10270

Sometimes I wonder why I bother...

Stare At The Sun

Good stuff, just reminds me even more why i hate fundys! thanks for the laugh!

miked10270

Incidentally, check out http://www.landoverbaptist.org/.

It's where the worthwhile worship (unsaved welcome).

damhna

I got that on email and thought ...Funny and damn useful for throwing in the face of bible bashers.

But wouldt you know Dr Laura DID acknowledge and apologise and recant and apologise again ...you really think she would have known better ...you cannot come off sounding good on this one if you truly believe that homosexuality is an abomination.

and I should have known that there would have been a huge Net reaction to this thing. Even The West Wing got in on the act !

Have a read of just one of the many hate sites that have sprung up around this.

tfpfreak

All I can say is DANG!

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Bill O'Rights

Oh, I am <b>so</b> gonna use these...hee hee hee*wrings hands*

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"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

hotzot

wicked funny.

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Jonsgirl

Now that, boy and girls, is some damn funny shit!

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Bobdoler

excellent, putting the ignorant in their place is always good for a laugh or two.

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woot

twotimesadingo

That's a Bostonian phrase if ever I've heard it... You from N.E., hotzot?


And as for a response, I don't think any particular part of the Bible is required to refute organized religion; it's a self-immolating text if ever there was one.

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I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and all your demons.
I'll be the one to protect you from a will to survive and voice of reason.
I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and your choices, son.
They're one and the same I must isolate you, isolate and save you from yourself."
- A Perfect Circle

egorey

I love it... it is inspiring (and scary) to see a 'doctor' bested by their own arguments. It does make you wonder what the value of our educational system is today.

Xell101

*thumbs up*