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miked10270 · 07-29-2003, 01:21 PM

Dear Jake,

Thank you for your kind and supportive letter. It is comforting to know that there are still true believers in the Bible out there.

To address your specific queries:

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my
neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

Before you do smite them, can I suggest that in the interests of peace and harmony you first try inviting them to your barbeques.

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

See (d) below. The price would really depend on whether you're selling your daughter to a Canadian or a Mexican.

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

The solution to this is really quite simple. See items (f) & (g) below for guidance.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

Nothing is stopping you from owning Canadians, except possibly your own sense of self preservation. Canadians are exceptionally boring people completely unable to formulate a simple sentence without mentioning snow or ice! You've heard the phrase "Hell freezing over"? Believe me, if that ever happens it'd be indistinguishable from Canada.

e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

No, why don't you send your Canadian slave over to bore him to death. Failing which, your Mexican slave and his entire extended family could always move into your neighbours kennel.

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

This is something you should discover for yourself. I am sending you a case of fresh shellfish. Unfortunately my church is a poor one so it's coming USPS surface. Expect the shellfish to arrive in about 4 days to a week. Once you have the shellfish, invite your friend over and give him a blowjob while eating the shellfish. Let me know which one makes you puke the most.

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Nope. Sorry. No wiggle room whatsoever. So when you give your friend the blowjob you may as well swallow 'cos you're going straight to hell anyway. While you're there, please write & let me know what Canada would be like if it was warm. Actually, cancel that, I'm going to Texas next month anyway.

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by ev.19:27. How should they die?

It is already God's plan to make them suffer while on earth. That's why they have you as their friend. If you REALLY want to kill them, why not use your newly acquired blowjob skills to get them excited, then, when almost all their blood has collected, you could, you know, just chomp on it! Remember, this is NOT a good time to swallow.

I) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

I assume from this, you're referring to "American Football". This is a poofs game with all that body armour, helmets & stuff. It is an abomination, the sort of game played by men who'd give blowjobs to canadians. Learn to play proper football (soccer). That way you're kicking the dead pig skin instead of fondling it, no doubt thinking of your lover's testicles while holding the ball in front of your face.

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.
Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

Sorry, no leeway here either. I appreciate that this can cause a few problems in major urban conurbations like NY, Chicago, LA, Phoenix etc... but you've just gotta work at getting ALL the men in your town together to do this. Perhaps if you try loitering at Barbers shops offering free blowjobs to the townsmen this would be an incentive and would ultimately resolve this problem.

I trust this is of assistance to you and good luck in your future.

Yours in God,

Mr. B.L.Z. Bub,

PP Dr Laura.

07-29-2003, 01:21 PM	#8 (permalink)
miked10270 Banned Location: Scotland	Re: Leviticus 18 : 22 Dear Jake, Thank you for your kind and supportive letter. It is comforting to know that there are still true believers in the Bible out there. To address your specific queries: a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? Before you do smite them, can I suggest that in the interests of peace and harmony you first try inviting them to your barbeques. b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? See (d) below. The price would really depend on whether you're selling your daughter to a Canadian or a Mexican. c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence. The solution to this is really quite simple. See items (f) & (g) below for guidance. d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? Nothing is stopping you from owning Canadians, except possibly your own sense of self preservation. Canadians are exceptionally boring people completely unable to formulate a simple sentence without mentioning snow or ice! You've heard the phrase "Hell freezing over"? Believe me, if that ever happens it'd be indistinguishable from Canada. e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? No, why don't you send your Canadian slave over to bore him to death. Failing which, your Mexican slave and his entire extended family could always move into your neighbours kennel. f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? This is something you should discover for yourself. I am sending you a case of fresh shellfish. Unfortunately my church is a poor one so it's coming USPS surface. Expect the shellfish to arrive in about 4 days to a week. Once you have the shellfish, invite your friend over and give him a blowjob while eating the shellfish. Let me know which one makes you puke the most. g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? Nope. Sorry. No wiggle room whatsoever. So when you give your friend the blowjob you may as well swallow 'cos you're going straight to hell anyway. While you're there, please write & let me know what Canada would be like if it was warm. Actually, cancel that, I'm going to Texas next month anyway. h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by ev.19:27. How should they die? It is already God's plan to make them suffer while on earth. That's why they have you as their friend. If you REALLY want to kill them, why not use your newly acquired blowjob skills to get them excited, then, when almost all their blood has collected, you could, you know, just chomp on it! Remember, this is NOT a good time to swallow. I) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? I assume from this, you're referring to "American Football". This is a poofs game with all that body armour, helmets & stuff. It is an abomination, the sort of game played by men who'd give blowjobs to canadians. Learn to play proper football (soccer). That way you're kicking the dead pig skin instead of fondling it, no doubt thinking of your lover's testicles while holding the ball in front of your face. j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) Sorry, no leeway here either. I appreciate that this can cause a few problems in major urban conurbations like NY, Chicago, LA, Phoenix etc... but you've just gotta work at getting ALL the men in your town together to do this. Perhaps if you try loitering at Barbers shops offering free blowjobs to the townsmen this would be an incentive and would ultimately resolve this problem. I trust this is of assistance to you and good luck in your future. Yours in God, Mr. B.L.Z. Bub, PP Dr Laura.