Something to Offend EVERYONE... - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

JadziaDax · 07-04-2003, 04:14 AM

I'm not going to discriminate:

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Define "Egghead:"
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "
Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesdays & Thursdays, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna be-leed dis shit...."

Peetster · 07-04-2003, 04:42 AM

I laughed out loud at many of them. Mind if I add one more?

What does a jet pilot use for birth control?

His personality.

sbscout · 07-04-2003, 05:48 AM

hilarious Jadzia!

Thanks for posting 'em!

grumpyolddude · 07-04-2003, 10:45 AM

Love 'em! thanx

morlock · 07-04-2003, 03:32 PM

love the southern ones. Ya'll aint gonna beleed dis, i wuz at da zoo and i found da reca piece for that panda we ordered from dat home shoppin klub we'l fire dat up after you graduate 5th grade from your sexdrivined clas. ya'll gather round its gonna be a hootinany

bravo49 · 07-05-2003, 12:12 AM

The sweet old lady cracked me up

bravo49 · 09-29-2003, 12:15 AM

Didn't offend one little bit, in fact very good

Tarn · 09-29-2003, 04:48 AM

haha !!! funny stuff.

clifclav · 09-29-2003, 06:13 AM

very good ones . thanks

strcrssd · 09-30-2003, 06:40 AM

Some great, if horrible, jokes....

Gortexfogg · 09-30-2003, 10:57 AM

All great jokes, especially the men/women ones!

Midlandmadman · 09-30-2003, 11:12 AM

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

the BEST. ONE. EVER.

nonjoejack · 09-30-2003, 01:16 PM

lol hilarious.. thx for sharing

ddjones · 10-01-2003, 11:29 AM

My favorite was the one comparing BMW's to Porcupines... Very stereotypical, but still funny.

mongois · 10-01-2003, 11:45 AM

dirt bag, Lewinsky, air, Mace . . . etc. - Great Stuff, it sure brightens up a day. Thanks for sharing, can't help but staring.

Lunchbox7 · 10-01-2003, 11:59 AM

The last one was the best. You need to put a mum joke in there somewhere. They always offend people. My friends and I have a running mum joke. We all are going to open a brothel. Our mothers are going to work there. We will call it "Cum to Mumma". But they need time off right? So we get a whole heap of black amputee dwarves in to replace them on tuesdays. As a result we can have a special "Black Stump Tuesday".

Flesh · 10-01-2003, 04:56 PM

Esoteric · 10-01-2003, 07:06 PM

Funny stuff, thanks.

MichaelFarker · 10-01-2003, 08:47 PM

I'm sorry, I tried to be offended but it just didn't work. They were funny though, if that's any consolation.

conversequietus · 10-01-2003, 09:33 PM

Pretty good. Thanks!

Kyrin · 10-02-2003, 12:44 AM

As always Jadzi, love ya for more then just yer tits, thanks for makin' my time at work just a little more entertaining.

Keg-o-Grog · 10-02-2003, 01:41 PM

great great

WEEEEEEE

nofnway · 10-03-2003, 01:46 AM

the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside......

very funny post thanks

cartmen34 · 10-03-2003, 08:34 AM

Great stuff! Laughed out loud.

iamjero · 10-03-2003, 08:49 AM

That was great!

B21 · 10-03-2003, 04:07 PM

I heard some before but there were still funny, oh and that last one is the funniest.

loganmule · 10-04-2003, 08:38 AM

thanks...a funny and noble effort to cover the waterfront, although ethnic groups missed out, except for Jews...do a part II maybe?

JoCat · 10-04-2003, 11:12 AM

Some i have heard alot i haven't , I laffed out loud

skippy · 10-05-2003, 03:48 AM

I laughed I cried, I feel asleep in a puddle of my own tears.

10-05-2003, 04:05 AM

Many good ones, but I am upset. I have not been offended yet.

Rippley · 10-07-2003, 03:59 AM

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

That one took me a second...then I almost snorted soda through my nose in the middle of class....

GREAT POST!!!

chubber · 10-07-2003, 04:57 AM

BRILL.............................

aarchaon · 03-18-2004, 05:52 AM

Awesome. Thats teh funnay alright.

07-04-2003, 04:14 AM	#1 (permalink)
JadziaDax Loser Location: who the fuck cares?	Something to Offend EVERYONE... I'm not going to discriminate: What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US leader. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts. Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. Define "Egghead:" What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? " Are you sure it's mine?" What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo." Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesdays & Thursdays, the Sex Ed class uses it. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe". How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO! What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna be-leed dis shit...."

07-04-2003, 05:48 AM	#3 (permalink)
sbscout Disorganized Location: back home again...	hilarious Jadzia! Thanks for posting 'em! __________________ Always question authority... it'll keep the bastards on their toes!

07-04-2003, 10:45 AM	#4 (permalink)
grumpyolddude Deliberately unfocused Location: Amazon.com and CDBaby	Love 'em! thanx __________________ "Regret can be a harder pill to swallow than failure .With failure you at least know you gave it a chance..." David Howard

09-29-2003, 06:13 AM	#9 (permalink)
clifclav absolute relativist Location: D.C.	very good ones . thanks __________________ Neither rain , nor cold, nor dark of night shall.......ahh whatever, just get me a beer!

09-30-2003, 06:40 AM	#10 (permalink)
strcrssd Insane Location: Rio Grande Valley, Texas	Some great, if horrible, jokes.... __________________ "I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones." -- John Cage (1912 - 1992)

07-04-2003, 04:42 AM	#2 (permalink)
Peetster Right Now Location: Home	I laughed out loud at many of them. Mind if I add one more? What does a jet pilot use for birth control? His personality.

07-04-2003, 03:32 PM	#5 (permalink)
morlock Loser	love the southern ones. Ya'll aint gonna beleed dis, i wuz at da zoo and i found da reca piece for that panda we ordered from dat home shoppin klub we'l fire dat up after you graduate 5th grade from your sexdrivined clas. ya'll gather round its gonna be a hootinany

07-05-2003, 12:12 AM	#6 (permalink)
bravo49 Junkie Location: chocolate city	The sweet old lady cracked me up

09-29-2003, 12:15 AM	#7 (permalink)
bravo49 Junkie Location: chocolate city	Didn't offend one little bit, in fact very good

09-29-2003, 04:48 AM	#8 (permalink)
Tarn Crazy	haha !!! funny stuff.

09-30-2003, 10:57 AM	#11 (permalink)
Gortexfogg I and I Location: Stillwater, OK	All great jokes, especially the men/women ones!

09-30-2003, 11:12 AM	#12 (permalink)
Midlandmadman Redwing fan extraordinaire Location: Michigan	What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. the BEST. ONE. EVER. __________________ Its good to be back.

09-30-2003, 01:16 PM	#13 (permalink)
nonjoejack Upright	lol hilarious.. thx for sharing __________________ Will you go out with me? -- Real Email is martintremblay202@hotmail.com not the one in my Profile

10-01-2003, 11:29 AM	#14 (permalink)
ddjones Upright	My favorite was the one comparing BMW's to Porcupines... Very stereotypical, but still funny.

10-01-2003, 11:45 AM	#15 (permalink)
mongois Upright	dirt bag, Lewinsky, air, Mace . . . etc. - Great Stuff, it sure brightens up a day. Thanks for sharing, can't help but staring.

10-01-2003, 04:56 PM	#17 (permalink)
Flesh Psycho	hah

10-01-2003, 07:06 PM	#18 (permalink)
Esoteric Tired Location: Florida	Funny stuff, thanks. __________________ From a head full of pressure rests the senses that I clutch Made a date with Divinity, but she wouldn't let me fuck I got touched by a hazy shaded, God help me change Caught a rush on the floor from the life in my veins

10-03-2003, 08:49 AM	#25 (permalink)
iamjero Insane Location: New Orleans/Oakland/San Diego/Chicago	That was great! __________________ "Ideas are far more powerful than guns. We don't allow our enemies to have guns, why should we allow them to have ideas?" - Joseph Stalin

10-07-2003, 04:57 AM	#32 (permalink)
chubber Upright Location: N W England	BRILL.............................

10-01-2003, 11:59 AM	#16 (permalink)
Lunchbox7 Addict	The last one was the best. You need to put a mum joke in there somewhere. They always offend people. My friends and I have a running mum joke. We all are going to open a brothel. Our mothers are going to work there. We will call it "Cum to Mumma". But they need time off right? So we get a whole heap of black amputee dwarves in to replace them on tuesdays. As a result we can have a special "Black Stump Tuesday".

10-01-2003, 08:47 PM	#19 (permalink)
MichaelFarker 2+2=5? Not again! Location: Dallas, Texas	I'm sorry, I tried to be offended but it just didn't work. They were funny though, if that's any consolation.

10-01-2003, 09:33 PM	#20 (permalink)
conversequietus Insane	Pretty good. Thanks!

10-02-2003, 12:44 AM	#21 (permalink)
Kyrin Upright Location: The Basement in Calgary, Alberta, Canada	As always Jadzi, love ya for more then just yer tits, thanks for makin' my time at work just a little more entertaining. __________________ My opinions are my own, you may or may not agree with them, but those are your opinions, which I also may or may not agree with.

10-02-2003, 01:41 PM	#22 (permalink)
Keg-o-Grog Insane Location: Foregin student in Texas atm.	great great WEEEEEEE __________________ I stand alone without beliefs, the only truth i know is you.

10-03-2003, 01:46 AM	#23 (permalink)
nofnway Insane Location: under the freeway bridge	the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside...... very funny post thanks __________________ "Iron rusts with disuse, stagnant water loses its purity and in cold water freezes. Even so does inaction sap the vigor of the mind" Leonardo Da Vinci

10-03-2003, 08:34 AM	#24 (permalink)
cartmen34 Psycho Location: the hills of aquafina.	Great stuff! Laughed out loud. __________________ "The problem with quick and dirty, as some people have said, is that the dirty remains long after the quick has been forgotten" - Steve McConnell

10-03-2003, 04:07 PM	#26 (permalink)
B21 Loser Location: Earth	I heard some before but there were still funny, oh and that last one is the funniest.

10-04-2003, 08:38 AM	#27 (permalink)
loganmule Junkie Location: midwest	thanks...a funny and noble effort to cover the waterfront, although ethnic groups missed out, except for Jews...do a part II maybe?

10-04-2003, 11:12 AM	#28 (permalink)
JoCat Insane Location: Mich	Some i have heard alot i haven't , I laffed out loud

10-05-2003, 03:48 AM	#29 (permalink)
skippy Banned	I laughed I cried, I feel asleep in a puddle of my own tears.

10-05-2003, 04:05 AM	#30 (permalink)
2thumbsup Guest	Many good ones, but I am upset. I have not been offended yet.

10-07-2003, 03:59 AM	#31 (permalink)
Rippley Insane	What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes. That one took me a second...then I almost snorted soda through my nose in the middle of class.... GREAT POST!!! __________________ roadrazer - 300kgs, 300hp = pure fun.

03-18-2004, 05:52 AM	#33 (permalink)
aarchaon Insane	Awesome. Thats teh funnay alright. __________________ Green. Yellow. Blue.