uncle phil

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!'

'What a coincidence!' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me so I'm celebrating!'

'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer as they clinked glasses, then asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying for many years to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' says the man, 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens have been infertile, but today they're finally laying eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence!'

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"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
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"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
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never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

Iliftrocks

Ow, my brain..... you funny

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bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

new man

That whore is drinking alcohol while pregnant!

Plan9

Didn't you know? Fetal alcohol syndrome is totally new Abercrombie / Matt Damon look.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Spontaneousno

So im sure theres probably a version on here somewhere, but its my favorite so it must be retold:


One evening this very average, almost boring man walk into an extremely posh bar. He takes a few moments to look around before he kind of saunters up to the bar. The bartender looks over,

"What'll it be buddy?"

The man looks around again and orders a beer. The bartender brings it over and the man says,

"You know, i could have any woman in here i want!"

The bartender kind of scoffs, he looks around at the wealthy dressed women, looks at this man whose slightly balding, very boring... very plain.

"Oh yeah?" Hey says, "Whys that..."Obviously not believing him.
The man leans close and the bartender moves closer to hear as the man whispers,

"Because...I'm a rapist."