lktknow

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggress ive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing kara oke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd h ate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

__________________
Never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about. ~

Willravel

Hahaha!!! I can barely say anti-constitutionalistically right now. I'm not even sure it's a word.

troit

One thing I can't say just once:

"Just one more..."; "One and done..and I mean it this time."

__________________
I've yet to dephile myself...

allaboutmusic

Excellent!!!

levite

These are brilliant!!

__________________
Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

Kadath

Number 7 is my greatest challenge. I am all about the Irish courage. I will want to fight guys for looking at me funny.

__________________
it's quiet in here

Willravel

What would german courage me? Driving away in my BMW? Picking on the Jewish guy? Making a really impressive system of highways?

LoganSnake

It'd be pretty cool to get some drunk Germans to improve our highways. There's an idea...

__________________
Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

allaboutmusic

Or some drunk Swiss to improve the punctuality of our public transport.

levite

A drunk Swiss guy is just someone who pukes right on schedule.

__________________
Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

Kadath

I certainly didn't mean to offend anyone. Apologies for the boorish racial slur.

/The Welsh are cheap.

__________________
it's quiet in here

Willravel

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on.

The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the Superbowl, dirt bikes, and so on.

The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "80." The robot then said, "So, how are things in Poland these days?"

Plan9

And so this fourth and final guy came sauntering into the bar and plopped down on the stool after spraying it with a little can of Lysol. He was well-dressed and drove a sensible vehicle. Hair straight outta some magazine ad and a face like a Ken Doll thanks to the best knives money could buy. After hanging up from a painfully vapid conversation with a squeaky female on his iPhone, he opened his fat non-leather-animal-friendly wallet and asked for something "sans carbs, please." Robot's sensor twittered violently.

Robot: "IQ 56 detected. Warning: Patron is Californian."

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Willravel

HA!

matthew330

That and this are in restroom of one of the bars I go to, I laugh everytime i'm forced to read them

The 6 Levels of Hangover - One More For the Road

The 6 Levels of Hangovers

One more for the road


1 star hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which has given you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries.

2 star hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

3 star hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball hero watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke -yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Grover Cleveland HS, class of '84.

5 star hangover,(*****) aka "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell."

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the shit fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your otherwise empty house.

6 star hangover (******) Otherwise known as the "Infinite Nut smacker"

You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow managed to getup before you. You try to lift your head. Not an option. Then you inadvertently turn Your head too quickly and smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair. Suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights...some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock" faintly atop your forehead......the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers.

Yet drinking SEEMS like a good idea…

biznatch

LOL there are like 10 punchlines in this joke, all of them awesome. Thank you!

Genius.

__________________
Check it out: The Open Source/Freeware/Gratis Software Thread

Sensei

I don't know what this "alcohol" you speak of is. Honest ;D

__________________
Slacking off with style since 1981.

SSJTWIZTA

HA! one of the best threads in the humor section.

i dont think ive hit a 6-Star hang over sense i was about 18.

that last 6 star left me with a pancrease and potassium problem of sorts.

__________________
First they came for the Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the communists and I did not speak out because I was not a communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for me And there was no one left to speak out for me.
-Pastor Martin Niemoller