JadziaDax

I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.


II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.


III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.


IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Holiday cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.


V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.


VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

cchris

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

That is so true.
Bloody cats.

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There's a fine line between participation and mockery

jwoody

Don't forget to share the spoils of your midnight hunting. Humans love a dead mouse for breakfast, but they like birds better.

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CSflim

Oh man, that was so funny! Actually laughed out loud on this one. Its so damn true. My cat does all of this! He's so funny!

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SiN

ahh, i love this one!

thx for the laugh, Jadz

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viveleroi0

with four cats at home, that is GREAT!

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"It's not that I don't understand, it's that I don't care"
- Homer Simpson

Bobdoler

so true

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woot

resilient

This was great. My cats obey every rule.

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" Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker "

resilient

Outside = a) While outside be sure to bring the humans back a gift of a small dead animal. This is most appreciated when left in a surprising place, such as a womans shoe.
b) Find the most expensive car in the neighborhood and sleep in it. If there is mud nearby, be sure to leave paw prints on the hood and windshield.
c) "Sing" outside the most sleep deprived member of the households window. Remember, the louder the better.

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" Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker "

Kaos

That was hilarious...I'm never sure if my cat is my pet, or if I'm the cat's pet.