DaveOrion

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........

Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.







I think I'll just continue this thread, instead of starting another..........

Twenty Simple Rules of Life in Texas
1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

3. Remember: "Ya'll" is singular, "All ya'll" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.

4. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

5. Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying: They can't understand you either.

6. "Mom'n'em" is not one person. When someone asks, "How's your Mom'n'em?" They are referring to the whole family.

7. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid legal defense.

8. If you hear a Texan exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely the last words he'll ever say.

9. When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere and the rest learned to drive while road hunting in the back roads. In both cases, this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

10. Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught them how to shoot.

11. Shakespeare is a rod or a reel, not a writer.

12. Duct tape is not only part of every survival kit, it is the whole kit.

13. Rasslin' is not fake. Don't dare whisper otherwise unless you want a kind-hearted Texan to fix your busted head with duct tape.

14. Grapefruit is not a substitute for biscuits and gravy.

15. Richard Petty, Dale Earnhardt and Elvis are good ole boys. Jeff Gordon isn't.

16. Turkey hunters actually curse Noah for letting coyotes and armadillos on the Ark.

17. If you hear a turkey gobble, get out of the way. Some Texans view that sound like pay-off bells at a slot machine.

18. Don't be surprised if an obituary mentions that the deceased requested to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

19. "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?" is a temporary statement. We love Yankees to visit, but damn Yankees are those who decide to stay.

20. If you decide to stay in Texas and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Texans. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

__________________
Syriana...have you ever tried liquid MDMA?....Liquid MDMA? No....Arash, when you wanna do this?.....After prayer...

Lady Sage

Oh, to see the look on Mr. Gates face... Hahahahahahahahaha!

__________________
If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
Minds are like parachutes, they function best when open.
It`s Easier to Change a Condom Than a Diaper
Yes, the rumors are true... I actually AM a Witch.

Darth_Kettch

Ahahaha, those are great! Love the Mac snipe

Seaver

Numbers 1 and 10 on the Texan list are absolutely true.

For number 1, I had friends who had massive 4x4 trucks and Broncos who would travel to the beaches in Corpus Christi just to dig people out. For those that don't know, the beaches there are true beaches, no roads on the beach or anything, and driving on it was the only way to get to a good location. So people would get stuck left and right, my friends would just drive up and down the beaches pulling people out. You'd be surprised how many hot girl's numbers they got doing that too, being the knight in shining armor for the damsil in distress (in a bikini).

__________________
"Smite the rocks with the rod of knowledge, and fountains of unstinted wealth will gush forth." - Ashbel Smith as he laid the first cornerstone of the University of Texas

DaveOrion

Might as well continue this silly thread...

The North has Bloomingdales, The South has Dollar General.

The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names, The South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.

North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.

The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, The South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .
In the South: --

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

More....Ha Ha...

GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION

1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are
gay.

It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have
spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing
the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a
dog, but gay . . . it grooms itself constantly but never scratches
itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines
to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog . . . "Killer, come
here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you
call a cat . . . "Bun-bun, come to Daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're
fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks
on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled
pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El
Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world
is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard
one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard strong, black, and full
aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte
with Skim "and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener
tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man
there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different
types
of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass.
A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of
that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major
league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out
chartreuse or you know
what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of
textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're
dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel
to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the
time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger,
hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous
le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those are
with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the
above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC
(spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags
when they Flame out too.

__________________
Syriana...have you ever tried liquid MDMA?....Liquid MDMA? No....Arash, when you wanna do this?.....After prayer...