ring awoke with a start; the agony of taking that leap onto the concrete,
to join the mortals,was rapidly sinking in as she tasted the blood
in her mouth.

Every cell of her being; fully human now: singing with an
odd exquisite excrutiating pain.

Experiencing hunger pangs for the first time in her existence..
she righted herself, brushed off the dust..(and the on-lookers stares,)
trusting her nose to discover the delicious source..of a something called
'deli.'

Throughout the centuries that preceded this moment, 'ring the impaler' had only a thirst for blood. She never knew human hunger, nor did the other 3 remaining members of her blood-sucking species (Heather Mills, Kevin Federline, and Sammy the Leech.).

Ring stood still in stunned amazement, locked between the alluring aromas of the something called "deli," and the events that had brought her here. The taste of blood was fresh in her mouth, her mind repeated the number 9, and around her neck was a jade amulet she had never seen before.

The chaos was evident. Current events references. And references to 18th, 19th, 20th and 21st century politics. References to Batman, Snow White, City of Angels and Dracula. The fourth wall had been invaded also. It only made one wonder, what could be next...

So she went to the 2nd Avenue Deli and decided to go for the corned beef and pastrami on rye. As she devoured the sandwich, gently dribbling deli mustard down the corners of her mouth, the smoked meat set her zombified brain in motion and she realized there was only one thing to do.

...order a thick vanilla milkshake. But wait, that may not be kosher. What is a zombie to do?

Adherence to strict dietary laws is hard for a zombie. In fact, adherence to any laws, except maybe Murphy's, was nearly impossible. However, with the jade amulet around her neck, Ring possessed human qualities, which meant she was free to choose what she did, what she ate, and who she ate! She was free to follow laws or not follow laws. She ordered the milkshake.

Since zombies walk slowly with stiff legs, arms stretched out in front of them and have that inimitable zombie "look", you have to be pretty slow or stupid yourself to get caught or bitten or eaten by one. The milkshake provided this lactose intolerant zombie an extra weapon. Already known for not smelling too good, a flatulent zombie could render a victim unconscious from several meters away. And with a few feet of flex tube, with one end up her zom-behind and a lighter at the ready on the other end made for a decent flame thrower.

But that would have to wait. For now she was alive, and with the power of the jade amulet nestled between her breasts, she looked and smelled ok. Her skin wasn't rotten, her breath didn't have the stench of human detritus, and she found she could form decent sentences, as opposed to the usual gutteral sounds her zombie-throat would make. Although she now looked human, she still was a bit zombie-like; sort of a cross between Mary-Kate Olsen and Amy Winehouse. As she finished her milkshake, she let fly a fart that caught the attention of no one - except for the peculiar patron at the end of the bar.

Zombie needed to blend in to get ahead in this City of Delis, so she decided to use the name Zoie, a name she thought might appeal to a suitable human. She studied the peculiar patron and noticed he had a slightly balding head and a smerky twinkle in his eye. Zoie was sure the man was probably just another human guy, but she thought he could just as easily be the governor of NY. When the patron heard Zoie's fart, he said to her "hey, are you talking to me?"

At first Zoie thought it was Robert DeNiro, but on closer inspection she realized it was Peter Frampton (sans the voice box). For some reason, the only non-gutteral response she could make was...do you...you, feel like I do?

The banter immediately turned into a rock and roll contest....

"I Feel Good", he replied...

"Feel Like Makin' Love" she said...

"Do You Wanna Make Love? (Or Do You Just Want To Fool Around?)" he said...

"I Wanna Know What Love Is (I Want You To Show Me)" said she...

"Love Stinks" he retorted...

"Love Is A Many Splendoured Thing" she protested....

"Love Hurts" he maintained...

"Love The One You're With" she suggested...

"Who Are You? Who Who? Who Who?" he inquired...

"I Am The Walrus" she joked...

"Ooooh that smell! ... Can't you smell that smell? ... Ooooh that smell! ... The smell of death surrounds you," he said.

"I Can't Help Myself (Sugar-Pie Honey Bunch)," she replied.

You could try, "With A Little Help From My Friends", he declared.

"I Got Friends In Low Places", she whined.

Maybe you're "Lookin' For Love In All The Wrong Places," he offered.

"She-Bop...He-Bop...A-We-Bop," she exclaimed.

"Whatever Turns You On, Turns Me On," he growled.

The peculiar patron was drawn to Zoie in some strange, unexplainable way. All he could think of was...

Well you're dirty and sweet
Clad in black
Don't look back, and I love you
You're dirty and sweet, oh yeah

Well you're slim and you're weak
You got the teeth of the Hydra upon you
You're dirty sweet and you're my girl

Since Zoie could read minds, she didn't know what to make of these thoughts. Should she bang a gong or what?

Banging was certainly all the stranger had on his mind. How to do it from another room with an oxygen mask and blindfold on was the challenge. More alcohol was the other alternative.

"One bourbon, one scotch, one beer", he demanded the barkeep.

When the stranger finished the beer, he gently set the glass on the bar, turned to Zoie and said, "Where Do We Go From Here?"

Puzzled, Zoie replied, "I don't think that's a real song."

"Sure it is," said the stranger.

"Who sang it?", asked Zoie.

"Ummm, Burt Bacharach," he said.

"You made that up!" charged Zoie. "I hate you!"

With that, the stranger grabbed Zoie by the shirt collar and began to thrash her. In doing this, the jade amulet was torn from Zoie's neck. Zoie suddenly felt a peculiar feeling wash over her.

Zoie quickly realized that the "wash" feeling she felt was her bodily fluids ...zombies don't have much blood... spurting out of her neck and all of bodily orifices. The stranger continued to shake her as her body began to fall to pieces ...which reminded her of one of her favorite Patsy Cline songs.

"I just wanted a piece of her and now she's all in pieces", said the stranger in shock and dismany. He released her as parts of her body fell to the ground. "Don't die, I think I love you" he said ...which reminded him of that car racing song "Tell Laura I Love Her" though this one was named Zoie. As her last parts fell to the ground, all that was left in his hand was the jade amulet. Perhaps because the jade amulet was also green, this reminded him of the lyrics to that Green Day song he hated "Don't Leave Me".

But the stranger was not about to give up and let her slip away forever.

The stranger tried singing "Come Together" over her, but he didn't know what a joo-joo eyeball or a walrus gumboot was, so it had no effect. She was in "Pieces of Eight" and he felt bad about "Breakin the Girl." Panic swept over the stranger as he began to run out of ideas.

"She's come undone" he thought as he looked down at Zoie. Suddenly, the stranger remembered those Red Green TV shows he liked so much, which then led him to start humming the song "Duct Tape My Heart" by Freezepop. The possible solution to Zoie coming undone immediately popped into his mind: duct tape.

"When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman" you'll do anything. Even if she's "D.O.A.". Even if she's a "Living Dead Girl". Duct tape would have to do unless he was miraculously "Blinded By Science" in the next few minutes. Where to start though! She was definitely a "Shatter". He just started doing his best, screeching out a measure of tape, tearing it with his teeth, singing "Dem Bones"...

As Zoie's body parts started to "come together" again, the stranger could hear the voice of angels singing in the heavens. "All You Zombies" was ringing (hi ring! :) ) through the air around Deli Town...

All you zombies hide your faces
All you people in the street
All you sittin' in high places
The pieces gonna fall on you

Zoie's pieces were falling together. The stranger looked at the green amulet still in his hand and rubbed it for good luck. He could see the glimmer of life flowing back into Zoie. As another City citizen walked by with earbud headphones on, the stranger heard the news today about Procol Harem and noticed that Zoie was already a "whiter shade of pale". Soon his beloved zombie would be sort of alive again.

All of ring's desires shall be slaked....

more to ......

come.

The stranger wasn't sure where the provocative thought came from or what it meant, but it aroused him, nonetheless. His gaze returned to Zoie the Duct-Taped Zombie. Even though she was coming together, she was groovin up way too slowly and looked more like Rob Zombie than the Zoie Zombie he had fallen for. He decided to say goodbye and as he simultaneously kissed her rotten, pouty lips and hung the amulet around her exfoliating neck, a transformation took place.

A transformation that could only come from one source. The bar's door slammed open and hovering 2 inches above the floor, ever so slowly moving toward the couple, with her six arms flowing like snakes as she approached, Oprah opened her mouth and her tongue extended like a slithering seventh snakey appendage, into Zoie's mouth, with a squishy, circular motion...

Oprah had acquired yet another addition to her legion of faithful followers. With her sprawling empire, she was the Wal-Mart of the entertainment industry (i.e., big box; ample parking; tons of cash and influence). The stranger stumbled backward in amazement, like a character from a Tex Avery cartoon. His eyes popped out, his jaw dropped to the floor, and a train whistle blew as steam spewed from his ears. When Oprah had finished tonguing Zoie into submission, ......

....her entourage followed behind her and began showing the patrons a few secrets. GayleFriend had a tongue like O and did a whip-crack on Dr. Phil's pants, revealing to all his vagina...

As Dr. Phil squealed and scurried from the room, the stranger turned to Zoie. She was more beautiful than ever, but the frightened, catatonic look in her face was more than he could take. He moved to her, cradled her in his arms, and like a scene from An Officer and a Gentleman, carried her through the twisted crowd, past O and her entourage, and out into the bustling streets of the city.

"I'm hungry, Timmy", Zoie said to her Gere-beat man. He smiled as he looked into her non-maggot filled eyes. He glanced around for the first semblance of food. The hot dog vendor caught his eye. The large umbrella over the stand read "Tyler's II". The franchise was renting space outside an old friend's boat shop... "Tippy's Canoes"....

Timmy sidled up to the hotdog vendor and politely asked, "one loaded frankfurter, please."

Confused, Elliot handed him $5000 and began reaching for his fly...

Timmy set Zoie down, grabbed the dough only and scurried to the next food vendor. A barbecue stand. Pork. The vendor looked suspiciously like Snydely Whiplash but it was really JayMac in disguise.

JayMac thought he had El-Ty-Spitz right where he wanted him, but just as he was about to send over a poison pork sandwich, he remembered that Ty was Jewish. "Drat!" he said as he stamped his feet. JayMac twisted his waxy handlebar moustache and made evil sounds as he pondered his next move. "If only he had a damsel to distress - one who was close to El-Ty - one he could tie to a train track so he could lure his nemesis into danger." he thought. At that moment, Timmy spoke. "Uh, excuse me sir, but my lady friend is very weak and distressed from hunger, give me a pork platter and some Brunswick Stew. Quick!"

The drama was taking a new twist that day at Tippy's Canoes and Tyler's II. Bouncing up the street like a pork-seeking missle was Big Head Ted, slobbering all the way. Down the street came a bitter Pennsylvanian, with his bible and his Uzi...

Unable to cope with his frustration over the economy, the bitter Pennsylvanian lifted his bible into the air and began heaving insults at people who weren't like him. Metaphorically speaking, he took shots at the Mexicans and the Muslims, and the North American Free Trade Agreement. Literally speaking, he pulled a 9mm revolver from a holster and took shots at Big Head Ted.

Fortunately for Ted it was "Brainwashed Pride Day" in New York and a parade of polygamists marching down the wrong street took the shots intended for him.

In the hail of bullets, a few of the polygamists lost a wife or two, but they didn't really notice and the parade continued without interruption.

BatHam crouched high above the ruckus, his "duel" personality getting torqued up by the smell of gunpowder, the shots ringing, and the screams of 16 year old wives. Pushing Robin Hood off the roof to his death was a severe temptation...

A temptation, he reasoned, that he was sure to succumb to one day...so why wait, he thought.

He paused. He decided to check his mini world crisis monitor first. Worldwide food shortage, gas prices, yadda yadda...A new villain! Now there's news! Seems a certain monkey boy named Brocko was travelling across America...super guardian of democracy and peanut butter and all that is good by day...But by night, maker of bombs, some that did more subtle damage than explode and kill. Brocko Bomber....

...was a fresh, new villain, thought BatHam - One who could bring change and renewal to the time-honored struggle between good and evil in the world. But which side was he to be on? A blaring car horn brought him back to the moment. BatHam pushed Robin from atop the building and into the street below, then he went back to his musing. "Which side will I be on, good or evil?...Hmmmmmm"