Originally Posted by uncle phil

BARNEY GOOGLE
by Rose, De Beck, & Con Conrad.


Who's the most important man this country ever knew?
Do you know what politician I have reference to?
Well, it isn't Mr. Bryan, and it isn't Mr. Hughes.
I've got a hunch that to that bunch I'm going to introduce:
(Again you're wrong and to this throng I'm going to Introduce
Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.
Barney Google bet his horse would win the prize.
When the horses ran that day, Spark Plug ran the other way.
Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.

Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.
Barney Google had a wife three times his size
She stood Barney for divorce
Now he's living with his horse

Who's the greatest lover that this country ever knew?
And who's the man that Valentino takes his hat off to?
No, it isn't Douglas Fairbanks that the ladies rave about.
When he arrives, who makes the wives chase all their husbands
out?
Why, it's Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.
Barney Google is the guy who never buys.
Women take him out to dine, then he steals the waiter's dime.
Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.

Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.
Barney Google is the luckiest of guys.
If he fell in to the mud, he'd come up with a diamond stud.
Barney Google with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.

Who's the greatest fire chief this country ever saw?
Who's the man who loves to hear the blazing buildings roar?
Anytime the house is burning, and the flames leap all about,
Say, tell me do, who goes, "kerchoo!" and puts the fire out?
Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.
Barney Google, thought his horse could win the prize.
He got odds of ten to eight; Spark Plug came in three days late.
Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.

Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.
Barney Google tried to enter paradise.
When Saint Peter saw his face, he said, "Go to the other place".
Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.

Originally Posted by uncle phil

WHAT KIND OF A NOISE ANNOYS AN OYSTER?
by Crumit & Curtis



Lots of folks are worried over how they'll pay the rent.
Some folks are annoyed because they can't lay up a cent.
Others are perplexed about the latest picture show.
But there is really only just one thing that I'd like to know.
What kind of a noise annoys an oyster?
No matter what I do
The answer won't come through.
What kind of a noise annoys an oyster?
That's a question I would like an answer to.
A little piece of cheese annoys a mouse, there is no doubt.
But here's the one thing I've been trying hard to figure out:
What kind of a noise annoys an oyster
When an oyster's in a stew?

What kind of a noise annoys an oyster?
I asked them at the zoo.
They said they wish they knew.
What kind of a noise annoys an oyster?
That's a question I would like an answer to.
A piece of cheese annoys a mouse
The mouse annoys in turn
The cat who then annoys the dog
But still I cannot learn
What kind of a noise annoys an oyster
When an oyster's in a stew.

Oysters live a life within a very narrow scope.
One thing I've found out is that an oyster don't like soap.
I'll admit the problem's been a sticker from the go.
I've asked most everyone I've met, and no one seems to know
What kind of a noise annoys an oyster.
I've figured till I'm blue,
So now I'm asking you.
What kind of a noise annoys an oyster?
That's a question I would like an answer to.
The piece of cheese annoys the mouse
The mouse annoys the cat
The cat annoys the dog
The dog annoys your Sunday hat.
But, what kind of a noise annoys an oyster
When an oyster's in a stew.
What kind of a noise annoys an oyster?
I've asked each one I knew
From here to Kalamazoo.
What kind of a noise annoys an oyster?
That's a question I would like an answer to.
Now, simple things annoy a lot of simple folks, you see.
And that's most likely why this question is annoying me.
But, What kind of a noise annoys an oyster
When an oyster's in a stew?

Originally Posted by uncle phil

You make me wanna walk like a camel
Southern Culture on the Skids


Baby, Would you eat that there snack cracker in your special outfit for me, please?
owwwWEEEEE!!!!!
Yo ye pharoahs, let us walk, through this barren desert,
in search of truth and some pointy boots,
and maybe a few snack crackers.
OWWWW WEEE
Baby, you make me wanna walk like a camel.
OWWWW WEEE
Walk!

Who's in charge here,
where's my Captain's wafers?
Don't go around hungry now
The way you eat that oatmeal pie
makes me just wanna die.
Baby,
you make me wanna walk like a camel.

Say, you don't think there's any way I could get that quarter
from underneath your pointy boot, do ya?
All I want is just one more oatmeal pie.
OWWWW WEEE
Little Debbie, Little Debbie
I'm a comin on home, baby,
cause you make me wanna walk like a camel.

Originally Posted by uncle phil

You Never Even Called Me By My Name
Written By Steve Goodman
Recorded By David Allan Coe

WELL, IT WAS ALL
THAT I COULD DO TO KEEP FROM CRYING’
SOMETIMES IT SEEMED SO USELESS TO REMAIN
BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO CALL ME DARLIN’, DARLIN'
YOU NEVER EVEN CALL ME BY MY NAME
YOU DON’T HAVE TO CALL ME WAYLON JENNINGS
AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO CALL ME CHARLIE PRIDE
AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO CALL ME MERLE HAGGARD/ANYMORE
EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE ON MY FIGHTING’ SIDE

CHORUS:

AND I’LL HANG AROUND AS LONG AS YOU WILL LET ME
AND I NEVER MINDED STANDING’ IN THE RAIN
BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO CALL ME DARLIN’, DARLIN’
YOU NEVER EVEN CALLED ME BY MY NAME

WELL, I’VE HEARD MY NAME
A FEW TIMES IN YOUR PHONE BOOK (Hello, Hello)
AND I’VE SEEN IT ON SIGNS WHERE I’VE PLAYED
BUT THE ONLY TIME I KNOW
I’LL HEAR "DAVID ALLAN COE"
IS WHEN JESUS HAS HIS FINAL JUDGMENT DAY

REPEAT CHORUS

RECITATION:
WELL, A FRIEND OF MINE NAMED STEVE GOODMAN WROTE THAT SONG
AND HE TOLD ME IT WAS THE PERFECT COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG
I WROTE HIM BACK A LETTER AND I TOLD HIM IT WAS NOT THE PERFECT COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG BECAUSE HE HADN’T SAID ANYTHING AT ALL ABOUT MAMA,
OR TRAINS,
OR TRUCKS,
OR PRISON,
OR GETTING’ DRUNK
WELL HE SAT DOWN AND WROTE ANOTHER VERSE TO THE SONG
AND HE SENT IT TO ME,
AND AFTER READING IT,
I REALIZED THAT MY FRIEND HAD WRITTEN THE PERFECT
COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG
AND I FELT OBLIGED TO INCLUDE IT ON THIS ALBUM
THE LAST VERSE GOES LIKE THIS HERE:

WELL, I WAS DRUNK THE DAY MY MOM GOT OUT OF PRISON
AND I WENT TO PICK HER UP IN THE RAIN
BUT BEFORE I COULD GET TO THE STATION IN MY PICKUP TRUCK
SHE GOT RUNNED OVER BY A DAMNED OLD TRAIN

CHORUS:

AND I’LL HANG AROUND AS LONG AS YOU WILL LET ME
AND I NEVER MINDED STANDING’ IN THE RAIN
NO, A’ YOU DON’T HAVE TO CALL ME DARLIN’, DARLIN’
YOU NEVER EVEN CALL ME
WELL I WONDER WHY YOU DON’T CALL ME
WHY DON’T YOU EVER CALL ME BY MY NAME

Originally Posted by uncle phil

Bobby (Boris) Pickett & The Crypt-Kickers
Monster Mash

I was working in the lab late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight
For my monster from his slab began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise


He did the mash
He did the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
He did the mash
It caught on in a flash
He did the mash
He did the monster mash


From my laboratory in the castle east
To the master bedroom where the vampires feast
The ghouls all came from their humble abodes
To get a jolt from my electrodes


They did the mash
They did the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
They did the mash
It caught on in a flash
They did the mash
They did the monster mash


The zombies were having fun
The party had just begun
The guests included Wolf Man
Dracula and his son


The scene was rockin', all were digging the sounds
Igor on chains, backed by his baying hounds
The coffin-bangers were about to arrive
With their vocal group, "The Crypt-Kicker Five"


They played the mash
They played the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
They played the mash
It caught on in a flash
They played the mash
They played the monster mash


Out from his coffin, Drac's voice did ring
Seems he was troubled by just one thing
He opened the lid and shook his fist
And said, "Whatever happened to my Transylvania twist?"


It's now the mash
It's now the monster mash
The monster mash
And it's a graveyard smash
It's now the mash
It's caught on in a flash
It's now the mash
It's now the monster mash


Now everything's cool, Drac's a part of the band
And my monster mash is the hit of the land
For you, the living, this mash was meant too
When you get to my door, tell them Boris sent you


Then you can mash
Then you can monster mash
The monster mash
And do my graveyard smash
Then you can mash
You'll catch on in a flash
Then you can mash
Then you can monster mash

Originally Posted by BadNick

I was saving this for my second childhood, but I'm sort of feeling it right now:

Originally Posted by uncle phil

DETROIT CITY
(Mel Tillis / Danny Dill)
Bobby Bare


I want to go home, I want to go home,
Oh Lord, I want to go home.

Last night I went to sleep in Detroit city,
And I dreamed about those cotton fields and home,
I dreamed about my mother, dear old papa, sister and brother,
And I dreamed about that girl, who's been waitin' for so long

I want to go home, I want to go home,
Oh Lord, I want to go home

Home folks think I'm big in Detroit city,
From the letters that I write they think I'm fine,
But by day I make the cars, and by night I make the bars,
If only they could read between the lines

I want to go home, I want to go home,
Oh Lord, I want to go home

SPOKEN:

You know, I rode a freight train north to Detroit city,
And after all these years I find I've just been wasting my time,
So I think I'll take my foolish pride, put it on a southbound freight
and ride,
Go on back to the ones I left, who've been waitin' for so long

I want to go home, I want to go home,
Oh Lord, I want to go home.

Originally Posted by uncle phil

The Cover of the Rolling Stone
Dr. Hook


[ Hey Ray, hey Sugar, tell them who we are. ]

Well, were big rock singers, we got golden fingers
And were loved everywhere we go [ that sounds like us ]
We sing about beauty and we sing about truth
At ten thousand dollars a show [ right ]
We take all kind of pills, that give us all kind of thrills
But the thrill we've never known, is the thrill that'll getcha
When you get your picture on the cover of the Rollin' Stone


CHORUS:
Rollin' Stone,
Wanna see my picture on the cover
Wanna buy five copies for my mother [ Yeah! ]
Wanna see my smilin' face, on the cover the cover of the Rollin Stone


[ That's a very very good idea ]


I got a freaky old lady name a Cocaine Katy
Who embroideries on my jeans
I got my poor ol' grey haired daddy, drivin' my limousine


Now it's all designed to blow our minds but our minds won't really be blown
like the blow that'll getcha when you get your picture on the cover of the Rollin' Stone


CHORUS


[ Hey, I know how...ROCK AND ROLL! ]


SOLO


[ Awww, dats beautiful ]


We got a lot of teenage blue eyed groopies who'll do anything we say
We got a genuine Indyan guru, who's teachin' us a better way
We got all the friends, that money can buy, so we'll never have to be alone
and we keep gettin' richer but we can't get our picture on the cover of the Rollin' Stone


Rollin' Stone, wanna see my picture on the cover
Wanna buy five copies for my mother [ I Want one! ]
Wanna see my smilin' face, on the cover the cover of the Rollin Stone
On the cover of the Rollin' Stone
Wanna see my picture on the cover [ I don't know why we ain't on the cover, baby ]
Gonna buy five copies for my mother [ were beautiful fellows ]
Wanna see my smiling face, [ I ain't kidding ya ]
on the cover the cover of the Rollin Stone [ Ah, we would make a beautiful cover ]
[ the first shot, right up front man, I can see it now...we would be on the front smilin' man, ahhhhh beautiful ]

Originally Posted by uncle phil

(you've all seen my picture...)


HAIR
Gerome Ragni / James Rado


She asks me why
I'm just a hairy guy
I'm hairy noon and night
Hair that's a fright
I'm hairy high and low
Don't ask me why
Don't know
It's not for lack of bread
Like the Grateful Dead
Darling

Gimme head with hair
Long beautiful hair
Shining, gleaming,
Streaming, flaxen, waxen

Give me down to there hair
Shoulder length or longer
Here baby, there mama
Everywhere daddy daddy

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

Let it fly in the breeze
And get caught in the trees
Give a home to the fleas in my hair
A home for fleas
A hive for bees
A nest for birds
There ain't no words
For the beauty, the splendor, the wonder
Of my...

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

I want it long, straight, curly, fuzzy
Snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty
Oily, greasy, fleecy
Shining, gleaming, streaming
Flaxen, waxen
Knotted, polka-dotted
Twisted, beaded, braided
Powdered, flowered, and confettied
Bangled, tangled, spangled, and spaghettied!

Oh say can you see
My eyes if you can
Then my hair's too short

Down to here
Down to there
Down to where
It stops by itself

They'll be ga ga at the go go
When they see me in my toga
My toga made of blond
Brilliantined
Biblical hair

My hair like Jesus wore it
Hallelujah I adore it
Hallelujah Mary loved her son
Why don't my mother love me?

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

Originally Posted by uncle phil

Ringo Starr
No No Song

A lady that I know just came from Columbia
She smiled because I did not understand
Then she held out some marijuani ha-ha
She said it was the best in all the land
And I said:

No no no no, I don't smoke it no more
I'm tired of waking up on the floor
No, thank you, please,
It only makes me sneeze
And then it makes it hard to find the door

A woman that I know just came from Majorca Spain
She smiled because I did not understand
Then she held out a 10 pound bag of Cocaine
She said it was the best in all the land
And I said:

No no no no, I don't sniff it no more
I'm tired of waking up on the floor
No, thank you, please,
It only makes me sneeze
And then it makes it hard to find the door

A man I know just came from Nashville Tennessee oh
He smiled because I did not understand
Then he held out some moonshine whiskey oh-ho
He said it was the best in all the land
And I said:

No no no no, I don't drink it no more
I'm tired of wakin' up on the floor
No, thank you, please,
It only makes me sneeze
And then it makes it hard to find the door

Originally Posted by uncle phil

GOD'S OWN DRUNK
By: Lord Buckley

Well, like to explain to you all before,
I ain't no drinkin' man
I tried it once and it got me highly irregular
And I swore I'd never do it again
I promised my brother in-law that I'd go up watch his still
While he went in to town to vote
It was right up on the mountain
where the map said it would be
Friends let me tell you one thing,
tho it wasn't no ordinary still
It stood up on that mountainside
like a hugh golden opal
God's yeller moon shinin' on the cool clear evenin'
God's little lanterns twinklin' on and off in the heavens
Like I explain'd to you once before I ain't no drinkin' man
But temptation got the best of me
And I took a slash
That yella whiskey runnin' down my throat
like honey dew vine water
And I took another slash,
Took another'n an another'n an another'n
For you knew I'd downed one whole jug of that shit
and commenced to gettin' hot flashes
Goose pimples was runnin' up and down my body
And a feelin' came over me
like somethin' I'd never experienced before
It was like, like I was in love
In love for the first time, with anything that moved
Animate, inanimate it didn't matter
It's like there's a great neon sign flashin' on an' off
in my brain sayin' "Jimmy Buffett there's a great day a comin'" `
Cause I was drunk
I wasn't knee crawlin', slip slidin', Reggie Youngin' Commode huggin' drunk
I was God's own drunk and a fearless man
And that's when I first saw the bear

He was a Kodiak lookin' fella `bout nineteen feet tall
He rambled up over the hill
expectin' me to do one of two things,
Flip or fly, I didn't do either one
It hung him up
He started sniffin' around my body tryin' to smell fear
But he ain't gonna smell no fear `cause
I'm God's own drunk and a fearless man
It hung him up
He looked right in my eyes, and my eyes was a lot redder than his was
It hung him up
So I approached him, I said "Mr. Bear, I love every hair on your twenty-seven acre body
I know you got a lot of friends over there on the other side of the hill
There's ole' rare bear, tall bear, Freddy bear, Kelly bear
Really bear, smelly the bear, smokey the bear, pokey the bear
I want you to go back over there tonight
And tell them I'm feelin' right
You tell them I love each and everyone of them
like a brother and a sister
But if they give me any trouble tonight
I'm gonna run every God damn one of them off the hill"
He took two steps backwards and didn't know what to think
Neither did I but bein' charitable and cautious
Well hell I approached him again
I said "Mr. Bear, You know in the eyes of the Lord
we're both beasts when it comes right down to it
So I want you to be my buddy, Buddy bear"
So I took ole' buddy bear by his island size paw
and I led him over to the still
He's a sniffin' around that thing cause
he's smellin' somethin' good
I gave him one of them jugs of honey dew vine water
He downed it up right
Looked like one of them damn bears in the circus
Sippin' sasparilly in the moonlight
I gave him another'n an another'n an another'n
For I knew it he downed eight of them
and commenced to doin' the bear dance
Two snips, a snort, a fly turn, and a grunt
It was so simple like the jitter bug
It plum evaded me
We worked ourselves into a tumultuous uproar
And I was awful tired and went over to the hillside
and I laid down and went to sleep

Slept for four hours and dreampt me some tremulous dreams
When I woke up, there was God's yeller moon shinin' on the clear cool evenin'
God's little lanterns twinklin' on and off in the heavens
My buddy the bear was a missin'
Want to know something else friends and neighbors
So was that still

Originally Posted by uncle phil

WHERE DID ROBINSON CRUSOE GO WITH FRIDAY ON SATURDAY NIGHT



Over a thousand years, or maybe more
Out on an island on a lonely shore
Robinson Crusoe landed one fine day
No rent to pay
No wife to obey.
His good man Friday was his only friend
He didn't borrow or lend.
They built a little hut
Lived there till Friday, but
Saturday night it was shut.

Where did Robinson Crusoe go with Friday on Saturday night?
Every Saturday night they would start in to roam
And on Sunday morning they'd come staggering home.
They went hunting for rabbits when the weather grew colder
But Crusoe came home with a hare on his shoulder.
Now, where did Robinson Crusoe go with Friday on Saturday night?

Robinson Crusoe was a good old scout.
Robinson Crusoe knew his way about.
He'd go out hunting chickens now and then
But he knew when
He was chasing a hen.
Once he told Friday, "You must stay at home
I've got to go out alone".
Friday felt very blue
He said, "It's wrong of you
Couldn't you fix it for two?"

Where did Robinson Crusoe go with Friday on Saturday night?
One fine Saturday night they had nothing to do
So they started counting all the girlies they knew.
Friday counted to thirteen, and Crusoe said, "Brother,
You know, thirteen's unlucky. Let's go get another."
So, where did Robinson Crusoe go with Friday on Saturday night?

Where did Robinson Crusoe go with Friday on Saturday night?
Every Saturday night they would start in to roam
And on Sunday morning they'd come staggering home.
On this island lived wild men and cannibal crimmin
And you know where there are wild men, there must be wild women.
So, where did Robinson Crusoe go with Friday on Saturday night?

Originally Posted by uncle phil

FIFTY MILLION FRENCHMEN CAN'T BE WRONG
Sophie Tucker

They say the French are naughty
They say the French are bad
They all declare that over there, the French are going mad.
They have a reputation of being very gay
I just got back from Paris, and I just want to say:
When they go parley-vee and parley-vou,
This for me, zat for you,
Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong.
When they go Ohh la la la la la la la
On the bully boulevard
Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong.
They shake-a the hand
They shake-a the feet
They roll ze eyes and kiss cafe right on the street
Even though the Irish and the Dutch
Say it don't amount to much
Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong.

All of our fashions come from gay Par-ee
And if they come above the knee
Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong.
And if they give the world a new design
To prove a lady has a spine
Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong.
They shorten them here,
They shorten them there,
And if her name is Teddy, they make Teddy bare.
If they prefer to see their women dressed
With more or less of less and less,
Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong.
When they put on a show, and it's a hit
No one tries to censor it
Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong.
And when a book is selling at it's best
It isn't stopped; it's not suppressed.
Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong.
Whenever they're dry
For brandy or rye,
To get it, they don't gave to give up their right eye.
And when we brag about our liberty
And they laugh at you and you and you and me
Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong.

In Viva la France
They're full of romance
You'll find policemen with embroidery on their pants.
And when they start to sing the Marseillaise
They sing it forty different ways
Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong.

Originally Posted by uncle phil

The Bertha Butt Boogie - Part 1
Jimmy Castor Bunch


The party was jumpin' when Bertha got off o' her stump,
The whistles were blowin' and everybody did the "Bump".
But all the time Bertha had been workin' on her goodie,
Now folks call it "The Bertha Butt Boogie".

When Bertha Butt did her goodie,
She started "The Bertha Butt Boogie".
No question.

When Bertha got movin' her hips were hummin' in the wind,
The ground started shakin' - no grass grew where she'd been!
The music was poppin', the crowd had formed a ring,
Her sisters yelled, "Boogie, Bertha, do your thing!".

Uh, for your information, Bertha had three sisters,
Betty Butt, Bella Butt and Bathsheba Butt.

When Bertha Butt did her goodie,
She started "The Bertha Butt Boogie".
I said no question.

Hey, Leroy, get away from that woman!
The boy'll never learn!
Uh-oh, here comes the Troglodyte!
Troglodyte: "Come here, sock it to me!"

Bertha stood back and yelled, "Betty, Bella, Bathsheba!"
And the Butt Sisters backed her up when she yelled, "I need ya!".
The Troglodyte, Leroy, Luther and the Butt Sisters all knew
That "The Bertha Butt Boogie" was now the thing to do.

When Bertha Butt did her goodie,
She started "The Bertha Butt Boogie".
No question.

Bertha: "I'll sock it ya, daddy!"
Troglodyte: "Me like, me like! Come here, woman, woman!"
Leroy: "Yo' mama, I'm calling you, man!"
Troglodyte: "Yeah - the Boogie!"

Originally Posted by uncle phil

Pencil Neck Geek
Freddie Blassie


Back when I was a kid, life was going swell.
Till something happened, blew every thing to hell.
That night my daddy stumbled in, all pale and weak,
Said "A woman up the block just gave birth to a geek."

Mom said, "Sell it to the circus, what the heck."
Dad said, "Nope, this one's a pencil neck.
And if there's one thing lower than a side show freak,
It's a grit eatin', scum suckin', pencil neck geek."

You see if you take a pencil that won't hold lead,
Looks like a pipe cleaner attached to a head,
Add a buggy whip body with a brain that leaks,
You got yourself a grit eatin', pencil neck geek.

(chorus)
Pencil neck geek, grit eatin' freak,
scum suckin', pea head with a lousy physique.
He's a one man, no gut, loosing streak.
Nothin' but a pencil neck geek.

Soon the geeks were poppin' up all over town.
You couldn't hardly sneeze without knockin' one down.
After a nice juicy steak, if you need a toothpick,
Just reach for a geek, they'll do the trick.

One day we cut one up for fish bait.
Learned our lesson just a little bit late.
Soon as the geek hit the drink, the water turned red.
Next day, sure enough, all the fish were dead.

chorus

Most any night you know where I can be found.
Yeah, stomping some geek's head into the ground.
So keep the faith 'cause in Blassie you can trust,
I won't give up 'til the last geek bites the dust.

chorus

They say, "these geeks come a dime a dozen."
I'm lookin' for the guy who's supplin' the dimes.
Its gonna be real hard times for all of these
grit eatin',
scum suckin',
boot lickin',
drop kickin',
gut grindin',
nail bitin',
glue sniffin',
scab pickin',
butt scratchin',
egg hatchin',
sleezy,
smelly,
pepper bellied,
dirty, lousy, rotten, stinkin', freaks.
Nothing but a pencil neck geek.

Pencil neck geek.
Pencil neck geek.
Pencil neck geek.

Originally Posted by uncle phil

1, 2, 3 RED LIGHT
1910 Fruitgum Co.


Everytime I try to prove I love you
1, 2, 3 red light stops me
Baby you ain't right to stop me
1, 2, 3 red light stops me
Everytime I try to love you
1, 2, 3 red light stops me
Baby every night you stop me
1, 2, 3 red light
Stop the game (stop the game)
You got too much to lose (too much to lose)
If you stop me again
That's when we might end
So please don't refuse (please don't refuse)
Everytime I make a move to love you
1, 2, 3 red light don't stop me
Baby you ain't right to stop me
1, 2, 3 red light don't stop me
Everytime I try to prove I love you
1, 2, 3 red light don't stop me
When I know I'm right don't stop me
1, 2, 3 red light
Everytime I make a move to love you
1, 2, 3 red light don't stop me
Baby you ain't right to stop me
1, 2, 3, red light (fades out)

Originally Posted by uncle phil

Jimmy Buffett
Cheeseburger in Paradise

Tried to amend my carnivorous habits.
Made it nearly seventy days,
Losin' weight without speed, eatin' sunflower seeds,
Drinkin' lots of carrot juice and soakin' up rays.

But at night I'd have these wonderful dreams
Some kind of sensuous treat.
Not zucchini, fettucini, or bulgar wheat,
But a big warm bun and a huge hunk of meat.

Cheeseburger is paradise.
Heaven on earth with an onion slice.
Not too particular, not too precise.
I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise.

I like mine with lettuce and tomato,
Heinz Fifty-seven and French fried potatoes.
Big kosher pickle and a cold draft beer.
Well, good God Almighty, which way do I steer
For my cheeseburger in paradise.

Heard about the oldtime sailor men,
They eat the same thing again and again;
Warm beer and bread they say could raise the dead.
Well, it reminds me of the menu at a Holiday Inn.

But times have changed for sailors these days.
When I'm in port I get what I need.
Not just Havanas or banana or daiquiris,
But that American creation on which I feed.

Cheeseburger is paradise medium rare with mustard'd be nice
Not too particular, not too precise
I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise.

I like mine with lettuce and tomato
Heinz 57 and french fried potatoes
Big kosher pickle and a cold draught beer
Well, good god Almighty which way do I steer

For a cheeseburger in paradise
Makin' the best of every virtue and vice.
Worth every damn bit of sacrifice
To get a cheeseburger in paradise.
To be a cheeseburger in paradise.
I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise.

Originally Posted by BadNick

I was saving this for my second childhood, but I'm sort of feeling it right now:

YouTube - Sharon, Lois & Bram "SKINNAMARINK" live in Toronto

Originally Posted by uncle phil

THE PRUNE SONG


Nowadays we often gaze on women over fifty
Without the slightest trace
Of wrinkles on their face.
Doctors go and take their dough to make them young and nifty.
But doctors I defy
To tell me just why

No matter how young a prune may be, it's always full of wrinkles.
We may get them on our face;
Prunes get them every place.
Nothing every worries them, their life's an open book.
But no matter how young a prune may be, it has a worried look.

Wrinkles, wrinkles, La la la la la

Every day, in every way, the world is getting better.
We've even learned to fly.
Days go passing by.
But what about the poor old prune?
His life is only wetter.
No wonder he can't grin
In the awful stew he's in.

No matter how young a prune may be, it's always full of wrinkles.
Now, we may get them here and there,
But pruneies get 'em everywhere.
Babies fret until they hear a mother's lullaby
But no matter how young a prune may be you'll never hear it cry.

In the kingdom of the fruits, the prune is snubbed by others.
And they are not allowed
To mingle with the crowd.
Though they're never on display with all their highbrow brothers
They never seem to mind.
To this fact they're resigned.

No matter how young a prune may be, it's always full of wrinkles.
Beauty treatments always fail;
They've tried all to no avail.
Yet other fruits are envious
Because they know real well
No matter how poor a prune may be
Hot water makes it swell.


Peaches and bananas have that skin you love to touch,
But no matter how fine a prune may be it don't amount to much.

Prohibition bothers us, but prunes don't sit and brood.
No matter how young a prune may be, it's always getting stewed.

No matter how young a prune may be, it's always full of wrinkles.
Baby prunes look like their dad,
Just not wrinkled quite as bad.
Prunes act very kind, they say, when sickly people moan.
But no matter how kind a prune may be, it has a heart of stone.

Originally Posted by uncle phil

They're Coming To Take Me Away


Remember when you ran away
And I got on my knees and begged
You not to leave
Because I'd go berserk?
Well!
You left me anyhow and then
The days got worse and worse
And now you see I've gone
Completely out of my mind.

And

They're coming to take me away, Ha-ha
They're coming to take me away, Ho-ho
Hee-hee-haa-haa
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see those
Nice young men in their clean white coats and
They're coming to take me away, ha-ha!

You thought it was a joke
and so you laughed, you laughed,
when I had said that losing you
would make me flip my lid.
Right?
You know you laughed
I heard you laugh
You laughed, you laughed
and laughed and then you left but
Now you know I'm utterly mad

And

They're coming to take me away, ha-ha,
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho,
hee hee, haa haa
To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket-weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, ha-hahaha...

I cooked your food, I cleaned your house,
And this is how you pay me back for
All my kind, unselfish, loving deeds,
Hah?
Well you just wait, they'll find you yet
And when they do they'll put you in the ASPCA you mangey mutt!

And

They're coming to take me away, Ha-ha
They're coming to take me away, Ho-ho
Hee-hee-haa-haa
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see those
Nice young men in their clean white coats and
They're coming to take me away, ha-ha!

To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket-weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, ha-hahaha...

To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see.....

Originally Posted by uncle phil

Rufus Is A Tit-Man
Louden Wainwright III)


Rufus is a tit man
sucking on his mamma's gland
sucking on the nipple
its sweeter than the ripple wine
yes its sweeter than the wine
you can tell by the way the boy burps
that its gatta taste fine

Marco Polo craved the spices, silk
and Rufus craves the mama's milk
no moo cow, no billy goat
is gonna get the babys vote
come on mamma
come on and open up your shirt
yeah you got the goods mamma
give the little boy a squirt

from my lungs and from my liver
i do definitely fear
i like to suck on cigarettes
and drink the wine and beer
the doctor says im oral
and i believe its true
ah son you look so satisfied and I envy you

So put Rufus on the left one
and put me right on the right
and like Romulus and Remus
We'll suck all night
come on mamma
come on and lactate a while
yeah look down on us mamma
and flash us a madonna smile

Originally Posted by uncle phil

Earache My Eye
Cheech & Chong


My momma talkin' to me tryin' to tell me how to live
But I don't listen to her 'cause my head is like a sieve
My daddy, he disowned me 'cause I wear my sister's clothes
He caught me in the bathroom with a pair of pantyhose

My basketball coach, he done kicked me off the team
For wearin' high-heel sneakers and actin' like a queen

------ lead guitar ------

The world's comin' to an end, I don't even care
As long as I can have a limo and my orange hair
And it don't bother me if people think I'm "funny"
'Cause I'm a big rock star and I'm makin' lots of money
money, money, money, money, money, money
Ahhh! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...

I'm so bloody rich! Ha ha ha ha
I own apartment buildings and shopping centers! Ha ha ha ha
And I only know three chords! Ha ha ha ha

Originally Posted by uncle phil

Elvis and I
Denis Leary


Elvis and I order Domino's Pizza with extra cheese
Suckin' down Formula 44D
Elvis and I put on diapers and extra sheer pantyhose
We never argue or overdose
He says, "Do I look fat to you?"
I say, "No King, it's not true.
You just have very big bones."
And then he fires his .44 into the television
Elvis and I
Elvis and I
Elvis and I
Elvis and I
Elvis and I put on big belts and drive down to Burger King
He lets me croon and I let him steer
Elvis and I fry up demorol tablets and bacon grease
Torkin' down microwave tacos and beer
He says, "I don't wanna be on no stamp man."
I say, "I understand."
He says, "My mama should be on that stamp man."
And then he fires his .44 into the television
Elvis and I
Elvis and I
Elvis and I
Elvis and I
Elvis and I chop up onions and methamphetamines
We cook 'em up with some peanut butter and cheese
Elvis and I call up Cadillac dealerships all night long
Suckin' down Ny Quil stingers and cheese
He says, "What the hell's Lisa Marie thinking,
With that Michael Jackson crap?
She should have married Janet or LaToya or Tito or even Mahalia Jackson."
Elvis and I
Elvis and I
Elvis and I
Elvis and I

Originally Posted by uncle phil

Feels Like Sex
Geri Halliwell


Have you ever felt too hot to go to bed
Touched yourself instead and watched your body talk
Just let your body talk
Have you ever felt just too hungry for love
The more you get you find that it's just not enough
But you really can't give it up

All you people out there
Put your hands up in the air
Are you feeling you know what
Or do you really care

If it feels like love
Then give it baby that's a rush
If it feels like pain, pain, pain, pain
It's really just the same
If the mood is rude
Then you got the right attitude
And ya better get down, you don't have to get undressed
Just because if feels like sex

Have you ever had a mind too dirty to read
Kinky freaks why don't you get down on your knees
I'm getting hard to please
Have you ever whipped love and left it to cry
Ask yourself the question
Does the cherry pie leave you satisfied

Turn out the light, so I can feel what you're thinking
Do you think we'd get it past the watershed
Let's take it slow, 'cause you know
I know you know, sex is in your head

Baby I want you to know
You're not the only one
I'm on my way to sexual healing
Do you wanna come?

Originally Posted by uncle phil

Fire Water Burn
Bloodhound Gang


The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
We don't need no water let the motherfucker burn
Burn motherfucker burn

Hello my name is Jimmy Pop and I'm a dumb white guy
I'm not old or new but middle school fifth grade like junior high
I don't know mofo if y'all peeps be buggin' give props to my ho cause she all fly
But I can take the heat cause I'm the other white meat known as 'Kid Funky Fried'
Yeah I'm hung like planet Pluto hard to see with the naked eye
But if I crashed into Uranus I would stick it where the sun don't shine
Cause I'm kind of like Han Solo always stroking my own wookie
I'm the root of all that's evil yeah but you can call me cookie
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
We don't need no water let the motherfucker burn
Burn motherfucker burn

Yo yo this hard-core ghetto gangster image takes a lot of practice
I'm not black like Barry White no I am white like Frank Black is
So if man is five and the devil is six than that must make me seven
This honkey's gone to heaven
But if I go to hell then I hope I burn well
I'll spend my days with J.F.K., Marvin Gaye, Martha Raye, and Lawrence Welk
And Kurt Cobain, Kojak, Mark Twain and Jimi Hendrix's poltergeist
And Webster yeah Emmanuel Lewis cause he's the anti-christ
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
We don't need no water let the motherfucker burn
Burn motherfucker burn

Everybody here we go
Ohh Ohh
C'mon party people
Ohh Ohh
Throw your hands in the air
Ohh Ohh
C'mon party people
Ohh Ohh
Wave 'em like you don't care
Ohh Ohh
C'mon party people
Ohh Ohh
Everbody say ho
Ohh Ohh
C'mon party people
Ohh Ohh
Everybody here we go
(repeat till end)

Originally Posted by uncle phil

Hell Yeah
Bloodhound Gang


Alright now boys and girls we’ve got another story for you now!
We want to introduce to you another friend of the Bible!

Hell yeah (4x)

If I were God there would be no explicit sex on T.V.
Like little Opie eating pie when he made it with Aunt Bea

If I were God thou shall not worship false Billy Idols
And thou shall add the Book Of Flavor Flav to the Bible
Thou shall make fun of Hindus thou shall not make a “Speed 2"
If I were God that’s what I’d do Heavens no

Hell yeah (4x)

If I were God I’d get a bunch of slaves to do everything
Norwegian lesbians that feed me grapes and know how to sing
If I were God thou shall not wear tube socks with Flip-Flops
Thou shall sit and thou shall spin thou shall even wife swap
Thou shall resist the Olsen Twins, thou shall not cut “Footloose"
If I were God that’s what I’d do, Heavens no

Hell yeah (4x)

And when they nail my pimpled ass to the cross
I’ll tell them I found Jesus that should throw them off
He goes by the name Jesus and steals hubcaps from cars
Oh Jesus can I borrow your crowbar?
To pry these God damn nails out they’re beginning to hurt
Crucified and all I got was this lousy T-shirt
“I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!" I’ll sing as I’m flogged
Yeah that’s what I would do if I were God

So vote for me for Savior and you’ll go to Heaven
Your lame duck Lord is like Kevin Spacey in “Seven"
With creepy threats of H-E-Double-Hockey-Stick
You just can’t teach an old God new tricks
But would I be a good Messiah with my low self-esteem?
If I don’t believe in myself would that be blasphemy?
Just sport some crummy “holier than thou" facade
Yeah that’s what I would do if I were God

Originally Posted by uncle phil

Life's Gonna Suck When You Grow Up
Denis Leary


Life's gonna suck when you grow up
When you grow up
When you grow up
Life's gonna suck when you grow up
It sucks pretty bad right not
Sing along!

You're gonna have to mow the lawn,
Do the dishes,
Make your bed,
You're gonna have to go to school
Until you're 17
3 times as long as that

You might have to go to war
Shoot a gun
Kill a nun
You might have to go to war
When you get out of school

It gets a lot worse

You're gonna have to deal with stress
Deal with stress
Deal with stress
You're gonna be a giant mess
When you get back from the war

Santa Claus does not exist,
and there's no Easter Bunny
You'll find out when you grow up
that Big Bird isn't funny
Funny
Funny
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha

Ah, Life's gonna suck when you grow up
When you grow up
When you grow up
Life's gonna suck when you grow up
It sucks pretty bad right now

You're gonna end up smoking crack
On your back,
Face the fact
You're gonna end up hooked on smack
And then you're gonna die

And then you're gonna die

Originally Posted by uncle phil

Save This
Denis Leary


I have no head for figures
My hands cannot explain
Endangered animals and acid rain
I see dead rivers running dry
I see the activists who march and cry
How they cry singin'
Why must we desecrate this land
I'll tell you why
Because we can that's why
Save the whales, save the seals
Save he eagle, save the bison and the beach
Why not save your breath
Save the porpoise, and the dolphin
Save the gerbil, save the racoon and the rat
Why not save some stamps
I am a human, I'm a goddamn human being
I walk errect
See the cheetah, oh so supple, lean and quick
As he chases a gazzelle
But he can't drive a car
At least not very far
I am a human, I'm a goddamn human being
I can pay for sex
"Hey, there's a great show on teh Discovery Channel tonight,
the history of the badger."
"Hmm, I wonder what badger tastes like?"
"I don't know, probably tastes like ferret."
"Wow, you had ferret?"
"Yeah."
"What's it taste like?"
"Chicken."
I am a human, I'm a goddamn human being
I can wipe my ass
"What gives you the right to kill at will?"
"I'll tell you what, guns.
Big fuckin' guns with giant fuckin' bullets pal."
I am a human, I'm a goddamn human being
I can shave my balls