Flanders: Son of a diddly!

Ralph: Oh boy.... sleep.... that's where I'm a Viking!

Ralph: Mrs. Krabapple and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies, and the baby looked at me!

ohhh, sure lisa. some wonderful, magical animal.

-homer not believing lisa that pork, bacon & ham all come from the same beast.

Barney: Uh oh, my heart just stopped..............Oh, there it goes.

From my favorite episode!

(lisa creates life and the people think she is God)

People from Lisa's miniature world: You protect us from the Evil one!

Lisa: The Evil one?

People: The one you call....Bart.

Lisa: Bart? Oh, that's just my brother.

People: (everyone gasps) The Devil is your brother?

From the Aliens take over the Presidential Race skit -

Mordorf: Either way, you'll have to vote for one us, it's a two party system..hahaha

Person in crowd: Geeze he's right, it's a two party system!

Moe slaps a giant sticker on Duff Man's face
"Duff Man cant breath. Ohhhhh nooooo!"


"Simpson, Homer Simpson. He's the greatest guy in history. From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree. AHHH!"


Homer: Linguo, dead?
Linguo: Linguo is.....dead.

Homer: "This perpetual motion machine she made is a joke...it just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa, get in here! In this house, we obey the laws of THERMODYNAMICS!"

Ralph: "Go banana!"

Homer: "Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me."
Post Office Employee: "Alright Mr. Burns, what's your first name?"
Homer: "I don't know."

Maude: "Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?"
Todd: "Hell no."

DuffMan: "That brown patch needs a little H 2 O....oh yeah!"

Bart: "God schmad, I want my monkey man."

Homer: "Its my first day."

There are countless others that I just can't recall right now.

Homer:

-If there's one thing I've learned, it's that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.


-Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever ... thy will be done. (munch munch munch)


-Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.

-Do you want to change your name to Homer, Jr.?
The kids can call you Hoju!

-Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

- Here's to alcohol : The cause of ... and answer to all of life's problems.

-I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called, The Bus That couldn't Slow Down.

-I'll handle this ... the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes ... wait a minute. Statue of Liberty ... THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women!

It's a good thing that beer wasn't shaken up any more, or I'd have looked quite the fool. An April fool, as it were.

When I was seventeen
I drank some very good beer
I drank some very good beer I purchased
With a fake ID
My name was Brian McGee
I stayed up listening to Queen
When I was seventeen.

So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end.

Homer : Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy.
Marge : What's that?
Homer : [thinks] A dinosaur


God : Thou hast forsaken My Church!
Homer : Uh, kind-of ... b-but ...
God : But what
Homer : I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
God : [pause] Hmm ... You've got a point there.




Homer has so many great quotes! :lol:

I couldn't get this out of my head Thursday night when the power went out:
So we'll march day and night,
By the big cooling tower,
They have the plant,
But we have the power.

Homer J:

Look Marge, you don't know what it's like - I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freaking system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do!! Forget it Marge, it's Chinatown!

Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land , in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!

Tooth Mayor speaking to Lisa about the Tooth colony abouut her being their god:

Mayor: We have learned to immatoot you exarkley

best thread ever.
all of these quotes are great!!!
a couple more off the top of my head:
bart (saying grace): dear god, we payed for this food ourselves, so thanks for nothing.
troy mclure (in "stop the planet of the apes, i want to get off"): i hate every ape/ from cimpan-a to chimpan-zee/ you'll never make a monkey...
apes: no we'll never make a monkey...
troy: you'll never make a monkey out of meeee
troy: oh my god, i was wrong/ it was the earth all along/ you finally made a monkey...
apes: yes, we finally made a monkey...
troy: you finally made a monkey out of meeeee/ i love you dr.zais!

Homer : You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. [cheerily] The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
Bart : Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer : I like stories.

Homer:That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing, but I will not stand by and watch you feed a hungry dog! Go to your room.

Homer : Kids, Kids! I'm not gonna die! That only happens to bad people!
Bart : What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer : Err ... He sold poisoned milk to school children.
Marge : Homer!
Homer : Hey, I'm just trying to make it easier on them.

Marge : Have you noticed something about Bart?
Homer : New glasses?
Marge : No. It seems like something could be troubling him.
Homer : Probably misses his old glasses.
Marge : I want to get more involved in Bart's activities, but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer : Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.
Marge : That's not what I meant.
Homer : Admit it Marge, it was.

:lol:

Homer: "If the Bible has taught us anything—which it hasn't—it's that girls should stick to girl's sports like hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing and such and such."

Homer: "We can hike anytime. This is our chance to see cars driving."

Homer: "I can't take his money. I can't print my own money. You want me to work for money. Why don't I just lay down and die!"

Homer: "Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves."

Homer: "You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel."

Homer: "Dear Baby, welcome to Dumpville. Population: You."

Homer: "You couldn't fool me on the foolingest day of the year with an electrified fooling machine."

Homer: "You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?"

Homer: "Can we go home? All this fresh air is making my hair move and I don't know how long I can complain."

Homer: "No offense, Apu, but when they were handing out religions you must have been out taking a whizz."

Homer: "It's because they're stupid. That's why everyone does everything."

Homer: "It's going to take a lot of fireworks to clean this mess up."

Homer: I can't let that happen, I won't let that happen and I can't let that happen!

Homer: Apologize?! I NEVER apologize.

Homer: I'm sorry but thats just the way i am.

Lisa(looking at donuts): Do you have any fruit?
Homer(picks up donut): this one has purple inside. Purple is a fruit.

Homer: Mmmmmmm, free goo...

Krusty: My house is dirty, buy me a new one.

homer to waffle on ceiling : "why do you mock me oh lord?"
marge : "homer thats not god it's a waffle bart threw up there"
homer to waffle (after marge knocks it down) I know i shoudlnt eat thee o lord ::: eats:::: mmmmmmmm sacralicious !!!!!!

Gary Coleman on one of the Christmas Specials: What you Talking Bout? What you talking bout everyone...

From the episode where Bart creates an international incident with Australia:

Homer learns that the embassy is a part of America and is jumping back and forth at the gate:

"I'm in America, now I'm in Australia!"
"America, Australia!"
"America, Australia!"
"America, ..." SMASH!!!
The Marine Guard decks him and says..
"We don't tolerate that kind of crap in America sir."

Ralph Wiggum has some classics, many of which I'm sure have already been posted by others. So I appoligize ahead of time if these have already been said

"My cats breath smells like cat food!"

Ralph: I won!
Skinner: No Ralph, you're failing English
Ralph: Me fail English, thats unpossible!

The entire April Fools episode when Bart uses the paint shaker to shake up a can of Duff is classic. When the house blows up I lose it every time.

Chief Wiggum: Pretzels, I repeat we need pretzels

At the end of the episode when Homer says "Why I laugh?" Has me rolling every time.

Radioactive man episode where they're filming with 'real acid' and milhouse decides not to rescue mcbain:

"Agh, my eyes! The Goggles! They do Nothing!"

A few quotes, short but sweet (but still some of my favorites):

HOMER (consoling Bart): "There, there, shut up boy."

and

HOMER (to Lisa): "I've just about had enough of your Vassar bashing young lady."

and

HOMER: "Ewwwwww, gimme the crab juice." (spot that episode, should be easy)

and

pretty much anything Homer says.

Homer Simpson from Bart's tree house as burglar is inside the Simpsons' house sitting on the couch watching TV:

"You'd better not be sitting in my ass groove!"

"It's not that I don't understand, it's that I don't care"
- Homer Simpson

After hitting a deer statue with the car

Homer: D'ph!
Lisa: A Deer!
Marge: A Female Deer!

===

To the tune of The Flintstones

"Simpson, Homer Simpson
He's the greatest guy in His-tor-y.
From the, town of Springfield
He's about to hit a chestnut tree.
AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!"

Homer : Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

or

Homer : Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

or

Homer : I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!

or

Bart : There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson

sorry if this has already been posted.


Groundskeeper Willy: Lunch lady Doris, ye gots any grease?
Doris: Yes, yes we do.
Willy: Then grease me up, Woman!!!!!!


Homer: I'm the beeeer baron.

**marge in a crash-up-derby**
marge: quit running into me.. go around go around

**homer runs in to save the day**
homer: hey, quit banging my wife

Moe in the episode where Marge gets all buff:

Marge, how do I put this delicately, I ain't got enough boose in here to make you look good.

homer, while driving (singing to tune of the flinstones)

"Homer, Homer Simpson,
He's the greatest guy in history,
From the, town of Springfield,
He's about to hit a chestnut tree.
AAAH!"

Lunch Lady Doris: "More testicles mean more iron!"

Bake em away, toys.

I may screw this one up but...

Lisa: Dad, what would you say if I told you that you could lose weight subliminally?

Homer; I'd call you a lying scumbag, why sweetie?

Belle (From the Burlesque House): ...are you wearing a grocery bag??

Homer: I have misplaced my pants

:D

Homer no function beer well without.

Homer: Mr. Burns, I think we can trust the President of Cuba.

"Homer: Marge, its uter-US not uter-you."

"Scientist: It could substantially increase your brain power, or it could kill you
Homer: Increase my killing power eh?"

Ralph "It tastes like burning!"

Smithers boot up screen on his computer has a naked Burns on it that says something like "Thank you... for turning... me on."

Homer: And just look at this perpetual motion machine she built. It just keeps going faster and faster... That's it, Lisa get in here.

Lisa: Yes?

Homer: In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!!

:lol: :lol:
I LOVE THAT ONE

Homer:

"Marge, where's that metal doobie you use to...dig.....food..?" "you mean a spoon?" "yeah yeah yeah"

(Police are leading away Sideshow Bob and his brother Cecil)
Bart: Take'em away boys.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, that's my line. Bake'em away toys.
Officer Lou: What'd you say Chief?
Chief Wiggum: Do what the kid said.

I used to be with it, but then they changed what "it" was. Now, what
I'm with isn't it, and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me.
--- Abe Simpson

Nelson's Dad: Great game, son. I'm taking you to Hooters!
Nelson: I don't wanna bother mom at work.

Bart (On the back of Cecil, evil brother of Sideshow Bob, covering his eyes): "Guess who?"

Cecil: "Maris?"

I just love that one, especially since Sideshow Bob is voiced by Kelsey Grammar, David Hyde Pierce does Cecil, and they managed to fit the "Frasier" joke right in!!!

It's a long one but one of my fave bits

Old Chinese Man: Take this doll but beware it carries a terrible curse!
Homer: Ohh, that's bad
OCM: But it comes with a free frogurt!
Homer: That's good!
OCM: The frogurt is also cursed!
Homer: That's bad!
OCM: But it comes with your free choice of toppings
Homer: That's good!
OCM: The toppings contain potassium benzoate.
Homer: ...
OCM: That's bad
Homer: Can I go now?

And also from the same episode

Homer: "Marge!Marge! The doll's trying to kill me and the toaster's been laughing at me!"

Homer at spring break:

"Guess how many boobs I saw Marge...15." as he passes out on the couch.

This is a long quote from "King-size Homer":

"Bart: If you gain 61 pounds they'll let you work at home?
Homer: Y'uh huh, that's the deal. No more exercise program, no more
traffic, no more blood drives or charity walks.
Bart: Dad, I know we don't do a lot together but helping you gain 61
pounds is something I want to be a part of.

[Lisa swings her chair around, unexpectedly appearing.]
Lisa: Dad!
Homer: [frightened] Aah!
Lisa: I must protest. You're abusing a program intended to help the
unfortunate.
Homer: Hee hee hee, I'm not saying it isn't sleazy, honey, but try to
see it my way: all my life I've been an obese man trapped inside
a fat man's body.
Lisa: Have you told Mom about this?
Homer: No, it would only worry her. If you want to add to her worries,
go ahead. I guess I'm just a little more grateful for all the
things she's done for us.

Lisa: [annoyed] Dad!
Homer: Yes, sweetheart?
Lisa: Obesity is really unhealthy; any doctor will tell you that.
Homer: Oh yeah? Well we'll just see about that little miss smart
guy!
[Cut to Dr. Hibbert's office.]
Dr. Hibbert: [gasps] My God, that's monstrous. I've never heard of
anything so negligen -- I'll have no part of it!
[Turns his back on Homer.]
Homer: Can you recommend a doctor who will?
Hibbert: [turns around again] Yes.
-- And that doctor is...

[Dr. Nick Riviera walks into the room.]

Dr. Nick: Hi everybody!
Homer+Bart: Hi Doctor Nick!
Dr. Nick: Now there are many options available for dangerously
underweighted individuals like yourself. I recommend a slow
steady gorging process combined with assal horizontology.
Homer: [pensive] Of course.
Dr. Nick: [points to a chart] You'll want to focus on the neglected
food groups such as the whipped group, the congealed group
and the chocotastic!
Homer: What can I do to speed the whole thing up, Doctor?
Dr. Nick: Well...be creative. Instead of making sandwiches with
bread, use poptarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon,
heh...
Bart: You could brush your teeth with milkshakes!
Dr. Nick: Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too?
And remember, if you're not sure about something, rub it
against a piece of paper. If the paper turns clear, it's
your window to weight gain. Bye bye, everybody!
Homer: Bye, Dr. -- oh, forget it. "

Crayons taste like purple!

Homer: "Morning"
Lisa: "Dad, where are your clothes?"
Homer:"I don't know."
Lisa"Don't tell me Mom dresses you!"
Homer"I guess, or one of her friends."

Homer: no tv and no beer makes homer something something

Marge: go crazy?

Homer: DONT MIND IF I DO!





ralph: TAPE ... HE SAID TAAAPPPPEEEEE-OOOO
ralph (after finding something on the archeological dig): Princskimple snipper ive found something!

Crabtree (after ralph finds something on the archeological dig): ralph thats your shovel head

Ralph: and i found it!

Burns: Meltdown, that's one of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an "unrequested fission surplus".

Snake: wallet inspector!
Nerds: ok.. i think you'll find everything is in order.
Snake: yoink!
Homer: that's not the wallet inspector.

Alien presidential candidate (APC): abortions for all!
Crowd: boo!
APC: alright, no abortions for anyone!
Crowd: boo!
APC: abortions for some, miniature flags for all!
Crowd: yay!

Homer: don't blame me! i voted for Kodos(sp?).

Lovejoy: Ned, have you tried any of the other major religions? they're all pretty much the same.

Karl: let's make litter out of these literatis!
Lenny: that's too clever, you're one of them!

Comicbookguy: but aquaman, you can't marry a woman with no gills; you're from two different worlds! ...oh no, i've wasted my life.

Lenny(?): let's go destroy the observatory to make sure this never happens again!

Burns: for thousands of years, man has yearned to destroy the sun.

The kids are sitting in front of the doghouse and Homer comes over and says something like:

Homer: What's going on? Is the TV broken again?
Bart: There's a badger trapped in there.
Homer: Oh badger my ass, it's probably Milhouse.

That is endlessly funny to me for some strange reason.

Bart is in his room looking at his frog and he says "Man, I wish I were a frog"

Marge comes in and says "Bart, what do you think about going to France?"

:lol: (I'm part French and found this hilarious)

Homer: I am so smart. I am so smart. S-M-R-T. I mean S-M-A-R-T.

Homer, there's something I don't like about that severed hand.

Sandwitch.
 

Homer :- Marge, I'd like a moment alone with the sandwitch.

Marge:- You're going to eat it, aren't you.

-- Dramatic pause --

Homer:- Yes.

homer - "going cold turkey isn't as delicious as it sounds."

Zombie Flanders: Hidily Ho Neighboreeno. Mind if I nibble on your ear?

Homer shoots Zombie Flanders with a shotgun.

Kids: You just shot Zombie Flanders!

Homer: Flanders was a zombie?

Bart: My killing teacher says I'm a natural.

---

Groundskeeper Willie : There's nothin faster than a greased Scotsman!

"AHH im 26 hours late for work" Homer

"does anybody have an jumper cables?" Senior DING DONG

Homer in his day dream: "You can run! But you can't glide!"

Helper Monkey Mojo: "P-R-A-Y-F-O-R-M-O-J-O"

And my all time favorite:
Homer: "I want you to shove this crayon into my brain!"
Sientist: "Mister Simpson, we don't play god."
Homer: "Oh? I think your Octo-parrot would disagree!"
Octo-parrot: "Rwak! Polly shouldn't be"




:lol: