The all new favorite Simpsons quote thread
 

Another favorite thread from the old board.

Homer: As long as you live in my house you will live by my rules. Now boy, butter up that bacon.

Bart: But dad..

Homer: Do it..

Bart butters his bacon

Homer: Now Bacon that sausage.

Bart: But dad, my heart hurts.

Homer looks at bart sternly and Bart wraps bacon around the sausage and eats it

Homer (in jail): Hawaii? Who's going to Hawaii? I wanna go to Hawaii! Am I going to Hawaii?

Chief Wiggum: Stop saying Hawaii in there!!

Skinner: Now chew through my ball sack


Ralph wiggum: Hi principal Skinner, Hi Super Nintendo Chalmers

Mr Burns to a vending machine: Ah, a candy shop! I'll take one half-pound of Bristol's Toffee please. And don't wrap it too tight, I want to eat it on the way home.

*Waits*

Mr Burns: You've made a powerful enemy today my friend.

Ralph: "Me fail english, thats unpossible"

Homer: "Hello, operator, give me the number for 9-1-1!"
Homer: "The human wang is a beautiful thing"
Homer: " Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat, it also give the right, NO!, the duty to make a complete ass of myself."

Homer: Stop that dog, he has my gum!

Homer: Now Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in there every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

who could forget homer singing tubthumping.

I take a whisky drink,
I take a chocolate drink,
and when I have to pee,
I use the kitchen sink

A long one, but a good one;
===================

Cops. Filmed live in Springfield.

(music)
Bad Cops! Bad Cops!
Bad Cops! Bad Cops!

Bad Cops! Bad Cops!
Bad Cops! Bad Cops!

Springfield Cops are on the take.
But what did you expect for the money we make?

Whether it's in a car, or on a horse.
We don't mind using excessive force.

Bad Cops! Bad Cops!
(/music)

Wiggum: Alright boys. It's time for us to bag us a cattle rustler.
(Ram drives into front door of house)
Lovejoy: What in God's name is going on here?
Wiggum: Isn't this 742 Evergreen Terrace (BTW, isn't that the Simpson's address?)
Lovejoy: No! That's next door.
(camera pans over to house next door. Cows everywhere. Snake blows out of his garage in his car)
Snake: Close, but no donut cops!
(Snake peels off)
Wiggum: This is papa bear! Put out an APB on a car...of some sort...heading in the direction of...you know. That place that sells chilli. Suspect is hatless. I repeat, hatless!!

Homer: Heh heh heh! I can't wait till they catch his hatless ass!

Homer: English? Psh! Who needs English? I'm never going to England.

Homer: My ear's are burning..

Lisa: Daaad, we weren't talking about you.

Homer: No. My ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside, so I lit a Q-tip.

Homer: Oh my God! this dude does the best Flanders! He got the diddly and everything!

Bart to Homer: Looks like you've got your answer fishbulb.

The Krusty The Klown Show Klosing Kredits Song

We've had lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of fun,
But now the time has come, to go;
If this old clown was found dead in his bed,
Tomorrow, I'd be in Heaven, still doing this show!

burns: quick smithers use the amnesia ray
smithers: you mean the revolver sir
burns: yes and dont forget to wipe your own memory aswell

This is the best one, EVAR:
DOH!

Homer: Ah. The last peanut. Overflowing with the salt and oils of its departed brethren.
(Tosses peanut into air. Peanut lands onto his forehead and tumbles elsewhere)
Homer: Wait a minute. Something is not right.
(Homer gets down and reaches under the couch)
Homer: Ouch! Pointy. Ewww. Slimey. Oooh! Moving. Aha!
(Homer pulls out a $20 from under the couch)
Homer: Twenty dollars? But I wanted a peanut.
Homer' Brain: Wait! $20 can buy you many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how!
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Homer: Woohoo!
(Homer runs, and trips on the peanut he dropped earlier)

They have the internet on computers now

Buenos Ding Dong diddley Dias

Homer: I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!

Homer: So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end.

Bart: I think sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Your ideas are intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think I'll go on the retreat anyway.

Homer: MMMM, forbiden donut... (one of the Halloween episodes)
-------------------------

Mr. Burns: Smithers! I have a rocket in my pocket!

Smithers: You don't have to tell me, Sir.

-------------------------

Homer: Two words: I'm Gay!

Homer: I need a word that describes the food at a restaurant well

Santa's Little Helper: Ruff!

Homer: No no, that's not the word

Santa's Little Helper: Chewy?

I don't know Flanders, two wives could have its advantages...

Chop Chop Dig Dig

Homer: Doh!

Burns: Smithers. Who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib.
Smithers: That's the Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your 11 o'clock.

Homer: I lost my job as an oaf today

or

Homer: Maarrge , I just want to get in (heaven) , I'm not running for Jesus

Mr. Burns: Hurl this (pudding) at THAT (lenny)
Homer: At Lenny, but he's a war hero!
Mr. Burns: Well lets decorate him, then.
Homer: No!
Mr. Burns: Not even for... four dollars!?
Homer: :hurls it:
Lenny: Ow! My eye, I'm not supposed to get pudding in it!

Chief Wiggums, to Bart and Ralph, after they found a gun in his bedroom closet:

"I don't know why you kids are so fascinated with daddy's FORBIDDEN CLOSET OF MYSTERY"!

Mr. Burns--Find me this man, Smithers. I want to make him my executive vice president!

Ralph Wiggum--Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad.

Flanders-- Flanders to God, Flanders to God, get off your duff and save my Todd.

*crazybill shamelessly bumps his own thread*

This was a quote from tonights show I thought was pretty good.

Native American tells Homer and Bart "drink deeply from this cup"

Homer and Bart drink everything in the cup

Native American: "that bear urine will make you strong"

Homer and Bart just stare at the Native American

Native American: "Hee, Hee that's Just Fresca."

Homer and Bart immediately spit the Fresca out

Homer: "Fresca!!!!"

Homer: Stupid, stupid like a fox!
Homer: Leaves of grass my ass.
Homer: I hate you Walt Frickin Whitman.

one of my favorites...


tappa tappa tappa

whoda thunk that tapdancing could be so easy!

Marge, honey, roads are just a suggestion, like pants.

Marge: Homer. Your workplace called. They said if you don't show up for work tomorrow, don't bother coming in on Monday either.
Homer: Woohoo!! Four day weekend!

Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible.

mmmmmmmmm donuts
(of course)

Homer: "Stupid sexy Flanders!"

Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!

Mr. Plow episode:

- "Oh, and can you please make sure not to scratch my asphalt?"

- "Kiss MY asphalt."

Homer: I think I brained my damage.

Wiggum: (Walks into the police station) It gets harder and harder to get here by 10.

Wiggum: Ralphy if you stop the car, I'll let you play with my gun.

I just want to say that I'm so stoked that there is a simpsons quote thread! There are so many good ones, I love the simpsons!

OK it's not exactly a quote but when Stan Lee is on and is trying to turn into the hulk.... and goes " I swear I did it once". I loved that episode


Comic book guy: "worst episode ever"

Disco Stu: - "Disco Stu doesn't advertise."
- "Disco Stu has uzo for twozo."
- "Disco Stu should disco duck."
- "Disco Stu loves disco music."

Ralph Wiggum - I beat the smart people! I beat the smart people! Ow!!
Lisa - Are you okay Ralph?
Ralph - I bent my Wookie.

and related to that;

Ralph - My cat's breath smells like cat food.

In parody of events in Illinois...

"Videotaping this crime spree is the best idea we've ever had!" - Jimbo

Homer (trying to sound like Mr. Burns): Hello, My name is Mr. Burns, I believe you have a letter for me?
Attendant: Ok Mr. Burns, what's your first name?
Homer: I don't ...know

Homer (dreaming of jelly-filled donut): Mmmmmm, purple!

Homer: To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

I love this thread!


"Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. 'Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells.' Now let's go back to that... building... thingie... where our beds and TV... is." -Homer

Get ready for a misquote...

Homer: I can't become a missionary! I don't even BELIEVE in Jeebus! (then later..) SAVE ME JEEBUUUSSS!

*sigh* So many good ones

(this is probably misquoted but you get the idea)

Lisa and Homer see a news report of an oil spill on tv, showing lots of animals covered in oil

Lisa: Oh no!
Homer: Oh, don't worry sweetie. There's plenty more oil where that came from.

:D

Disco Stu is good as well (in my sig) and Duff Man is always good for a laugh. Dammit, every character has had funny lines over the course of the series!

Woman asking question to Homer:

"Ok so this is a simple lie detector test. All you have to do is answer yes or no. Do you understand?"

"Yes!"

:lie detector machine blows up:

:D :D :D

Homer: "Marge.... I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom."

Drederick Tatum: "Litter is my most treacherous foe. I would like to eat its children."

HOMER: "And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?"

Homer: "'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?"

Homer - "De-Fault, the two sweetest words in the English language".

probably a miss-quote:
"Your fingers are too fat to dial - please mash the keys for your free dialing wand"

/grandpa Simpson walks into the room with a hammer and wooden stake

Grandpa : "We have to kill the boy !"
Lisa : "How did you know he was a vampire ?"
Grandpa : "Vampire !? Aaaaah !!"

Fat Bart: "Ah warsh mahself with a rag on a stick..."

Moe: "I'm gonna use your head for a bucket, and paint my house with your brains!"

Kent Brockman: "Argle-bargle, or foofarah?"

It's between ""Doh!" and "Doh."

Smithers: "Women and Seamen don't Mix"

Ralph: "This is where I saw the Leprechaun. He tells me to burnthings"

"Hens love roosters, geese love ganders, everyone else loves Ned Flanders"

"Any religion that embraces 'carob' is not for Karl Karlson!" - Karl

Homer: "I'm not a rage-a-holic!"

Marge: "Yes you are. Look, you're punching the cat right now."

Homer: (stops punching and drops a mewling Snowball II) "Oh! I can't help it. I just can't live without rage-ahol!."

Bart: "Can't sleep, clown'll eat me."

Parody of Disney commercial jingle:

Burns: Some men hunt for sport,
Others hunt for food,
The only thing I'm hunting for,
Is an outfit that looks good...

See my vest, see my vest,
Made from real gorilla chest,
Feel this sweater, there's no better,
Than authentic Irish setter.

See this hat, 'twas my cat,
My evening wear - vampire bat,
These white slippers are albino
African endangered rhino.

Grizzly bear underwear,
Turtles' necks, I've got my share,
Beret of poodle, on my noodle
It shall rest,

Try my red robin suit,
It comes one breast or two,
See my vest, see my vest,
See my vest.

Like my loafers? Former gophers -
It was that or skin my chauffeurs,
But a greyhound fur tuxedo
Would be best,

So let's prepare these dogs,
Mrs. Potts: Kill two for matching clogs,
Burns: See my vest, see my vest,
Oh please, won't you see my vest.

"His ass is gonna blow!"

Darlene : Oh Cletus, why'd you have to park so close to my parents?

Cletus : Don't woorry, they's my parents too!

cue banjo


Professor Frink : Oh boy. That monkey is sure going to pay.

Homer : Alas, my rapacity knows no satiety.

Ralph Wiggums:

"It tastes like burning!"

My favorite Lenny and Karl:

"There's nothing like revenge for gettin' back at someone."

"Oh, I don't know, vengence is pretty good, too."

see sig

Lisa: "I think it's ironic how Dad saved the day while a slimmer man would've fallen to his death."

Bart: "And I think it's ironic that for once Dad's butt prevented the release of toxic gas--"

Marge: "Bart!!"

----------------

Homer: "This perpetual motion machine she made is a joke...it just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa, get in here! In this house, we obey the laws of THERMODYNAMICS!"

"If he's anything like me, he won't like being kicked in the crotch."

"I grew up with tv and i turned out tv."


I can't remember the last one exactly, but it's something like:

"God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place in organized religion!"

proper quote:
Phone voice: "the fingers you have selected are too fat. to obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your fist now."

Chief Wiggum: "you have the right to remain....." (looks at Miranda rights teleprompter in car)
"YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT"
(PUNCH IN BELLY)

My favorite is Homer singing:

I am so smart

S-M-R-T

I mean S-M-A-R-T

Homer: "Heh. That's what you get, for not hailing to the chimp."

Nameless Kwik-E-Mart corporate guy: "And you can no longer tell people about our fried pickles!"

Another good one:

Homer: I love these lazy Saturdays
Marge: Homer, it's Wednesday
Homer: Ah, work

Skinner: Im not principal of the line mother.
Mom: And you never will be.

Bart: Lisa, why don't you join a religion where people eat each other's heads off!

Lisa: BART!!!!

Bart: okok...jeesh. maybe you should just join the Methodists



(Bart is playing "Bible Blaster" with the Flanders kids)

Kids: Convert the Heathens, Convert the Heathens!

Bart: Yeah! i got one!

Kids: No, you just nicked him. Now he's Unitarian

Lousy Smarch weather.

<Springfield Squares>
Disco Stu: Disco Stu's gonna make three in a row playing tic-tac-toe
Host (Brockman?): er, Stu, we like to downplay the resemblance to tic-tac-toe
Disco Stu: I can dig it

--------------------------

<the shinning>
Homer: "No Beer and No TV make homer... something something"
Marge: Go Crazy?
Homer: Don't mind if i do!! !agh!

Dr. Nick - "It's such a nice day, I think I'll go out the window!" (to escape the press)

Dr. Nick to Smithers, dying in fron of hospital from bee sting "Oh my god!... You need booze!" (throws change)

Or the time Dr. Nick entered an operating room and said "Hi everybody" in a serious tone, and was replied by an equally serious "Hi Dr. Nick"

Homer 'Can't a man jsut enjoy a beer on a wednesday morning in peace anymore?!'

awesome thread.

The goggles - they do nothing! Rainier Wolfcastle

Ralph: When the doctor said I didn't have worms anymore, it was
the happiest day of my life

Ms. Hoover: Thank You, Ralph, Very Graphic.

Comic book guy would say: "Worst thread ever!"

My cat's breath smells like cat's food.

Elliot Gould: "Your monkey bit my kid again!"

Krusty: "Well, if he'd stop wearing the banana sunscreen!"

Good ol'Ralph :D
Oh boy, sleep! That's when I'm a viking!
Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!
The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there

Homer: Marge, I'm not going to lie to you...


Beer Baron episode:

the investigator from out of town: (sorry forget his name)

I'll get you beer baron!

homer: No you won't

Investigator: Yes I will!

homer: D'oh!

Chief Wiggum

'No you've got the wrong number, this is 91.........2'

Classic!

Marge: Homer, you'll kill us all!
Homer: (determined) or die trying!

------------------------------

Homer fires a shotgun
Bart: you just killed Zombie Flanders!
Homer: Zombie?

--------
Finally....

anything Ralph Wiggam says

Homer (as the stand-in Smithers) reading messages to Mr. Burns:

"You have 30 minutes to move your car"
"You have 10 minutes to move your car"
"Your car is being towed"
"Your car has been crushed into a cube"
"You have 30 minutes to move your cube"

# "I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES."


"Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!"


"I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight."

"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'."


"It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day."

"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.

"Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close."

"Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean... our kids are uncontrollable hellions! Pardon my French... but they act like savages! Did You see them at the picnic? Oh, of course You did... You're everywhere, You're omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did You spite me with this family?"

# "The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do."


"Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow."

Scorpio: You ever see anybody say 'goodbye' to a shoe before?
Homer: Heh,heh... once.

Bart: Jeez, everyone knows the first day of school is a total wank.
Skinner: If by 'wank', you mean 'educational fun', then stand back, it's wanking time!

Wiggum describing his location:

"I'm driving on a road, appears to be asphalt. There's some trees and shrubs... I'm directly under the earth's sun... NOW!"

Ralph " I beat the smart kids, i beat the smart kids. OOPS, I bent my whookie"

Ralph Wiggum: I ated the purple berry.....
Bart Simpson: How is it?
Ralph Wiggum: Tastes like.....burnniiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnggg

Apu: Silly customer! You cannot hurt a twinkie!

and

Marge: Homer stop! You'll kill us all!
Homer: Or die trying!

Lenny: Oww!! the doctor said not to get pudding in my eye

UP AND ATOM!

Up and at them!

?

Does anyone have change for a button?

-Burns

Homer Simpson:

I have misplaced, my pants


Classic

Mr Mephisto

Ned - Homie, I can see your doodle!