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The Favorite FAMILY GUY Quote Thread
I've got a lot on my mind so here it goes:
Brian: I think I'm in love. Peter: Oh my God!!!... You can talk!!! ************************************* Brian: Shouldn't you drop the gifts off now? Peter: I dropped them all off yesterday. Brian: "All"? Only one was supposed to go to charity. Peter: They all said "from" the family. Brian: No, they said "for" the family. Peter: Aw crap! When did they change the meaning of "from" to "for"? Brian: They had a meeting about it last night. Peter: How come nobody tells me about these things? Brian: Well the card said "FOR Peter" and you probably thought it was "FROM" you. So, maybe you thought... you know what, it's just easier to call you stupid. *********************************************** Stewie being interviewed talking about Lois. Stewie: About that killing thing: It's not that I want to KILL her, I just don't want her LIVING... anymore. ************************************************ Brian: The last plague is the death of your first-born son. Peter: Oh no!!! Stewie!!! Brian: Your "FIRST-BORN" son. Peter: Meg!!! Brian: Your wife. Peter: Chris!!! ************************************************* Chris (after being crushed by a statue): I see a bright light. Peter: That's good son. Walk toward the light. Lois: No Chris!!! Walk away!!! ************************************************ Peter: I know about this stuff. I read about it in a book once. Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't NOTHING? Peter: Oh yeah. ************************************************* |
Re: The Favorite FAMILY GUY Quote Thread
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Peter: So, a chinese guy, a jew and a naked priest walk into a bar. Oh wait, hold on. *Peter looks around. To his left is a large group of chinese looking people. To his right is a group of orthodox jews.* Peter: Ok, yeah. So a chinese guy, a jew and a naked priest walk into a.... Oh. Sorry father. Naked Priest: Oh, I've heard them all. |
Redneck kid with VCR #1: It's mah turn with the sexbox!
Redneck kid with VCR #2: It's MAH sexbox! And her NAME is Sony! |
oh man. i love te episode when...
"things got a little too real." |
Ahhh man I wish I could remember this quote exactly but there's one scene where one guy is asking another to go to a bar and he says somthing like "Well, looks like (his wife) is going to have another black eye to explain to the neighbors"
Should I have used quotes if I butchered the quote? I know I shouldn't have even tried, but that joke had me laughing for weeks. |
Peter: Thanks to you, our son has a huge wang.
Lois: Thanks to me? Peter: Well he didn't get it from me. |
wow, i've seen all the episodes quoted from.
and almost everythin that comes out of stewie's mouth is funny. |
I completely disagree with the politics of it, but I couldn't stop laughing when I heard this. :)
Lois : "Anybody want more pizza rolls?" Peter : "Yeah yeah yeah, quiet, Lois. 'Murder, She Wrote'." (On TV) Jessica: "Charles Monson! After all these years!" Charles: "Jessica Fletcher! Why, I haven't seen you since you had the uh, the, uh. . ." Jessica: "You can say it, Charles. I'm not ashamed. Abortion." Peter: "Aha! So she's the murderer!" |
Most of the lines from that show are funny quotes. A couple that have always stuck out in my mind are:
Lois: "But Peter, why would they make you President?" Peter: "Well maybe it's because I can recite all fifty states in a quarter of a second...........<yelp>." Lois: "Peter that was just a loud yelping noise." Stewie: "If you cooked any more slowly you wouldn't need an egg timer, you'd need an egg calendar......oh that's right....I went there." News Anchor Tom Tucker: "Next up, stay tuned for our special investigative report on the clitoris: Nature's Rubic's Cube." |
I can't cite this one exactly, but here it goes:
Peter: Look, Lois, my alphabit soup is trying to tell me something! It's saying "Ooooooooooo" Lois: Those are cheerios, Peter. |
Meg: Mom, If you get elected can you fix it so I win homecoming queen?
Lois: Oh honey, of course I can. But winning without honor isn't really winning at all. Isn't that right Milli? Milli: No it's just as good. |
(Peter at work)
Peter - "Why do women have boobs?" (male crowd looks on in anticipation) Peter - "So ya got something to look at when your talkin to them." (The Men Laugh, women walks into room (as men walk away) and says, "Jokes? I like jokes!") Peter - "Oh yea? Well then youll love this one: Why do women have boobs?" (Woman gasps, peter goes on) Peter - "So ya got something to look at when your talkin to them." (Peter laughs. Woman is silent.) Peter - "So ya got something to look at when your talkin to them." (Again, woman is silent as Peter laughs) |
(Chris is talking on the phone)
Chris: So what are you wearing? (Pause) Wow, I bet you could see right through that! Lois: Chris, who are you talking to? Chris: Grandma. |
Peter: Holy crip, he's a crapple!
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[Riding a circus elephant.]
Peter: Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a fat white guy who is threatened by change. [While trying to potty-train Stewie] Peter: Maybe you don't have to pee. I'll just give you some beer, it'll run right through you. Stewie: Beautiful. And while we're at it we can light up a dubey and watch porn! Peter: Rea...Really? |
[Refering to the food lois has made]
Peter: If im sleeping just stick it in my mouth and rub my throat. |
peter:i see ur bum
stewie:oh great y dont u take a picture u pervert so i'll have sumthing to bring to court! ------------- Brian: say something please. Stewie: Like what?! Brian: I dont know anything Stewie: Yay and god said to Abraham, "you will kill your son Issak." and abraham said "i cant hear you, you'll have to speak in to the micraphone." and god said "oh im sorry is this better, check check, jerry, jerry, pull the high end out im still getting some his back here." (when brian is sayin farewells to his stuffed mother) ------------- and everytime he says "blasted" |
Chris to a twinkie: "I'm gonna turn you into poop."
******************************************* Chris to Meg: "Quit hogging all the....ugly. ******************************************* Quagmier to Lois: "I think I know where you are going with this Lois and I'm semi there." ******************************************* |
Judge: I sentancing you to 24 months in prison.
Lois: Oh No Meg: Oh No Chris: Oh No Kool-Aid Man: Oh YEA! (akward silence...slowly backs out of room). |
Sir you can't park your van on diving board
**************** Peter-"So Lois wants to find a job, we'll I told her you got a a job right here!(points to his crotch), This darn zipper been broke for a week |
(Two baseball players at Peter's company picnic)
Baseball Player 1: Hey want some gum? Baseball Player 2: Sure (takes gum and puts it in his mouth) BP1: HAHAHA that was trick gum!! now you're addicted to heroin!! hahah!!! BP2: (starts shivering) I'm cold... |
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================================== [Man in Chicken Suit]: It's Y2K man!! [Peter]: Y2...k...what are you selling, chicken, or sex jelly? ================================== [Lois]: Peter. You can only play the piano when you're drunk! [Peter]: That's not true. I can also vomit, fall down, and make dirty phone calls to your sister. ================================== [Waitress]: Here try some of Flappy's Pancakes. [Stewie]: Mmmm. These are absolutely delectable. Good news Flappy! I've decided not to kill you! ================================== I'll add more when I can think of some |
Peter's take on "Hammertime" is classic.
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"I don't take coupons from giant chickens...not after last time."
"Max, let's not forget our heritages. You're Jewish. You're good with money. I'm Irish. I drink and keep homosexuals from marching in my parade." "Holy Mother, it's the Holy Father!" Chris (holding John 3:16 sign): "I'm ready to go." Peter: I always wondered what that means." Brian (reading from Bible): "And the Lord said, 'Go Sox'." Peter (in synagouge): "Hey look there's Meg's principal. There's Bill Nye the Science Guy...and half of Lenny Kravitz! Optimus Prime? He's Jewish?" (Truck drives in, transformes into Jewish Optimus Prime, complete with scarf and yarmaulke) The "I Need a Jew" song is probably the funniest moment in the entire series. So many more... |
Cop: Hey that's against the law! You're coming with me.
Peter: Ah ah ah! Can't touch me! (Music to "Hammertime" starts and Peter starts dancing) Can't touch me! Ju.. ju.. ju.. ju.. just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2 I've got diplomatic immunity So Hammer you can't sue I can write graffiti even jaywalk on the street I can riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teet Can't touch me! Can't touch me! (Peter starts doing the worm) Mayor West: What in God's name is he doing?! Peter: Can't touch me! Cleveland: I believe that's the worm. Peter: Stop! Peter time! I'm a big-shot, there's no doubt Light a fire then pee it out Don't like it? Kiss my rump Kiss for a minute, let's all do the bump Can't touch me! Yeah, do the Peter Griffin bump Can't touch me! I'm presidential Peter; interns think i'm hot Don't care if your handicapped, I'll still park in your spot I've been around the world, from Hartford to Bagbay (Starts rapping) It's Peter Go Peter I'm so Peter Yo Peter Let's see Regis rap this way Can't touch me! (Music stops) (Peter talking to a blonde) Except for you. You can touch me. |
Meg: "I could be being groped by a really cute guy right now."
Lois: "Now Meg, don't give it all up at once...make him work for it." |
Brian: Peter, You need to learn to be a gentleman. Repeat after me. "Hello, how do you do? What a lovely day."
Peter: Hello, How do you do? After Hogan's Heroes, Bob Crane's head was beaten in by his friend who video taped him having rough sex. Brian: Well obviously my work here is done. But JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT, let's try again. Or something to that effect, I can't remember exactly. :) |
LOL, just reading these makes me want to stick in the family guy DVD.
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Man in white: I have to get out of here
Stewie: i'm sorry we fresh out of that, all thats left is UNTIMELY DEATH!! |
Welcome to Cheesy Charlies! HEIL SATAN!
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Not technically a quote, but...
Diamonds: She'll pretty much have to |
(Peter, as a child, is in a museum)
Peter: Why did all the dinosaurs die out? Professor: Because you touch yourself at night. |
"How ironic...Rogers...almost rhymes with ELIMINATE!"
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Brian: I've licked my share of peanutbutter.
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Peter: "They can kiss the fattest part of my ass!"
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Stewie: Look at him, he runs like a Welshman!
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Mayor Adam West: I like it almost as much as I like Taffy; and I'm and man who enjoys his Taffy. "Proceeds to savor a piece of Taffy for two minutes"
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*Peter playing poker with Michael Eisner, Bill Gates and Ted Turner*
Ted Turner: Are aces high or low? Peter: They go both ways. Bill Gates: Heh, he said they go both ways. *Everbody laughs* Ted Turner: Like a bisexual Michael Eisner: Thank you Ted, that was the joke. |
Not a quote, but a frightening story -
On September 11, 2001 Seth MacFarlane (Creator of the show) was scheduled to return to Los Angeles on American Airlines Flight 11 after being a keynote speaker at his alma-mater in Rhode Island. Due to a mix-up by his travel agent he was told that his flight was scheduled to depart at 8:00am but it really departed at 7:45am and he had arrived at Boston Logan Airport a few minutes after boarding was stopped on his flight and he was told he would have to wait for the next flight. At 8:45am one hour after the departure of American Airlines Flight 11 it was hijacked by terrorists and crashed into One World Trade Center (North Tower) in New York City killing all onboard. In an interview in USA Today a few days after the September 11th attacks MacFarlane said that he was unable to get in touch with his office or his family in Los Angeles and he ended up driving half way across the country before he finally was able to get his office and his wife to tell them that he was alright. He also said that he thanked god that his travel agent had screwed up the departure time or he would have been on board and he wouldn't have known what to do when the terrorists took over the plane. |
Stewie sees a picture of Meg in a two piece bathing suit "I hope that's not my first memory"
I'm bad at remembering stuff like this, but I love the show! |
This is also my fav...i almost crapped my pants when i saw it.
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"I...am going...to kick...your...ASS!"
And another personal favorite... "What tatoo would you like, sir?" "I want a skull." "Well I can do Kermit the Frog. Would you like a nice Kermit the Frog?" "No, I want a skull.: "Ok, well, I'm gonna go ahead and do Kermit the Frog..." |
Just remembered another one of my favorites.
"Peter: The healthiest thing we can do is to just ignore this and pretend that it doesn't exist. Just like we do with the squid. *Camera zooms out to reveal a giant squid a the table.* *Squid knocks all the setting of the table* Lois: Eh... Earthquake Peter: Err... A truck going by" |
Farmers wife: (talking to Stewie) I bet your hungry.
Stewie: Yes and I bet you lost your virginity to a mechanical bull ... NOW FEED ME ! |
"Wouldst thou take a gander under my frock?"
you gotta see the episode.. I aint explaining it |
In the episode 15 minutes of shame.....
Lois-Chris hunny go to bed Chris hiding behind the couch when Meg is having her slumber party...-I Can't.... Lois-Alright hunny, finish up and then go to bed. |
Theres a million others but that was the first one that came to mind.
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"oatmeal...spittle...SEMEN????"
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Brian - Whose leg do you have to hump to get a martini around here?
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FBI AGENT #1: Well, I'm going to go draw boobs on the etch-a-sketch.
FBI AGENT #2: Go ahead. They always come out square, anyway. |
"Look, there's a newly-married interracial gay couple burning the American flag!"
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Stewie - Oh, I feel delightfully white trash. Mommy, I want a mullet!
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I've never seen this show, but these are some very funny posts. What channel and time is it on? I don't have cable, but I can probably find a friend to tape it for me.
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Cartoon Network
11 pm Monday-Thursday. They have all the episodes out on DVD, plus you sould be able to find them on any decent P2P network. |
Family Guy and Futurama are also on Monday-Friday on TBS or TNT (I'm not sure which) at 12:00 p.m. EST.
They're the episodes that were shown on the Cartoon Network the night before. |
Let's get back to the quotes people. This is my g/f's choice for the thread:
Stewie: "Shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!" |
Actually, FG is on 2:30pm EST in TBS as well as CN
As for yet another quote: "What's Lois doing in a diner? I already ate." "Maybe she's a whore...you know, like on weekends...to pay for her mother's dialysis...like in my fantasy...you know what, let's start over...Hi, I'm Quagmire!" |
Stewie- for every sprinkle on my ice cream, I shall kill you.
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"...no pickles ....GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND ANY PICKLES!"
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This isn't the exact qoute by far, but it's the general idea of it..
Stewie: (trying to dial Lois' number) Damn! What is that number? Oh well, there's only one thing to do... (dialing) 111-1111... DAMN! 111-1112... DAMN! |
Stewie: PUT ME THROUGH THE PENTAGON!
Ernie: Do you know what sound a cow makes? Stewie: Don't toy with me Ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr Hooper, I've got six armed men stationed outside Big Bird's nest, as for Linda, well it's rather difficult to for a deaf woman to hear an assasin aproach, now isn't it? Ernie: Can you count to three? Stewie: Can I count to three? <ZAP> 1 <ZAP> 2 <ZAP> 3 For god sakes, I'm already shooting at a fifth grade level! |
This was a special out take from the season 2 DVD i think.
Peter in a Synagogue: "I didn't know Optimus Prime was Jewish!" A semi truck drives in and transforms into Optimus Prime with a Jewish hat on his head. |
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(scene) A priest and a rabbi are walking into a bar.
The priest turns to the rabbi and says. "Hey, did you hear the one about us?" |
*Brian and Peter watching Seseme Street*
Peter: "So, is the Count a real vampire? I mean, have they ever shown him doin' somebody on here?" Brian: "So...you're asking if they ever had a Seseme Street...where the Count killed someone...and drank their blood for sustinance?" Peter: "Yeah." Brian: "No, they never did that." |
Stewie: Get back here and do her, you fat bastard!
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Stewie: Unhand me, I'll give you anything you want; money, power, women.... men?
Trisha Tokinawa: This is asian reporter Trisha Tokinawa, I'm about to have sex with a strange man. Quagmire: I've never had a mexican chick before, heh, Ole! Stewie: Oooh look, I'm writing naughty words on the wall. (written on the wall is Poppycock) |
Meg and Chris being home-schooled by Lois:
Lois: Chris, is that a note? Chris: No... Lois: Yes, it is. Would you like to read it to the rest of the class? Chris: No. Meg: Just read it lard-o. Chris reads note:"I think Mrs. Griffin's hot." Lois: Go to your room. |
"kinda makes my testicles want to drop. OH speak of the devil. OH speak of the devils" - Quaqmire (or however you spell it)
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*At KISS Concert*
KISS: "I...Wanna Rock and Roll All Night..." *gives mic to Lois in front row* Lois: "And have a wonderful...time" *arena goes silent* Lois: "No wait, it's...and something something all...day?" |
*During the Y2K episode
Peter eats a bunch of preserves that were saved up Lois: Peter! thats a years worth of food! Peter bloats up like a balloon. Peter: Everybody out, I gotta poop....NOW! |
From a friend's away message
_ . - * * * ^ ^ ^ * * *--…_ .-* `*-._ .* *-…_ .- ' *. .* ` `. .* _-~*~-_ .-*````*-. \ .-/ |______\ - |______ \ `*-. `-. *._O__ / /_ *._O___ / /-*` \ `***`` `* --- *` .-* `-. /_____. .-*` `*-…_ \ __..--*` ``***``` "for every sprinkle i find.....i'll kill you!" edited to add: :hmm: Somehow that didn't work right...it's Stewie's face. |
Stewie(upon seeing Brian's dead stuffed mother): I say Brian, someone must have said a funny, because your mother's in stitches!!!!!!
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Later, burying Brian's mother...
Brian: "Say something." Stewie: "Like what?" Brian: "Anything!" Stewie: "Yea, and God said unto Abraham 'You will kill your son Issac.' And Abraham said 'I can't hear you, you'll have to speak into the mike'. And God said 'Ok, is this better? Check, check, Jerry, pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back---" Brian: "Say something about my mother!" Stewie: "Oh, ok. *Ahem* I never knew Buttercup as a dog, but I did know her as a table. She was sturdy, all four legs the sam length---" Brian: "Thanks." Stewie: "Yes, um. Requium and terapance and such amen." |
"Hey, Lois, look, It's the two symbols of the republican party, an elephant, and a big, fat, white guy who's afraid of change!" - Peter
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the show is hiliarious...unfortuationly i didnt discover it until fox cancled it.....i started watching it just a couple of months ago......along with futurama lol
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"Get off the toad now! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!"- Peter
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Quagmeyer: Hey Meg you 18 yet?
Meg: No Quagmeyer: hey Chris how ya doin? Chris: Actually pre- Quagmeyer: Allllll-riiight Lois: You know Peter, sometimes I feel as if I am married to a child. Peter: Hey, you better watch watch you say, cuz if I am a child; you know what the makes you? A pedophile. And I will be damned if I am going to stand here and be lectured by a pervert. Drug Rehab Lady: What is your name sir? Peter: Uhhh....uhhhhh. (looks at a pea on a plate) P-e-a......uhhhhh......uhhhh......(looks at a girlcrying, her tears)....t-e-a-r......uhhh.....uhhhh..(and the good ole randomness of the show; a griffin flies into the room)....griffin. There, Peter Griffin.....DAMN |
For every sprinkle you put on this ice cream....I will KILL YOU!
The Kool-aid guy was hilarious too, but my number one Family Guy moment would have be the Death "virgin forever" scene. I could do it no justice with just this text but damn...that's funny. |
Heh i was watching the dvd of the show when I found this thread! Great idea. Oh yeah! Gigidigigidigigidi
The episode where Peter and Chris try to uncancel Gumble to Gumble: Peter: Alright Calahan me and my son want you to uncancel Gumble to Gumble. Calahan: Well sir, we only air the show, we have nothing to do with it being cancelled. I have all the episodes on tape, would you like to borrow them? Peter: Ok you bastard, you wanna play rough? All right. Until you bring the gumbles back, I am going on a hunger strike. yeh? How bout that Calahan? Can you live with that on your concience? Heh? *Short Pause* Peter: You gonna eat that stapler? Calahan: uh you can't eat a spapler.. Peter: Wanna split it? |
Meg:How are we going to get up there, Dad smeared grease on the pole
Chris: Dont worry Meg, we studied levers in class, you just have to pivot at the point at the weight counter balances the fulcrum *Chris runs head first into the pole and falls unconcious* |
News Anchors are always great:
And now we go live to Diane being a bitch, Diane. |
Peter to this 'leafer' that is in his bar - Is your refridgerator running? Because if it is, i bet its running just like you... VERY homosexually!
I died when I heard that. |
girl: oh death oh..
car rockin.. car stops.. death: man, not again.. im gonna be a virgin forever.. *pause* .. or will i.. car rocks.. heh still laugh at that one.. |
Stewie: I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things," not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up."
Brian: Oh, please, Peter, your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs. Meg & Peter: *gasp* Brian: Too soon? Stewie: You know, I rather like this God fellow. Very theatrical, you know. Pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence... gotta get me some of that." Lois: Together we can do anything: face any foe, overcome any obstacle. Peter: Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois, other people's phones. Decent phones, God-fearing phones, phones that everybody else gave up on, but we knew better because we were a team! Brian: What the hell are you talking about? |
"Except for you, you can touch me"
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Tom Tucker: In other news, an accident caused the Quahog cable television transmitter to be knocked out, which will prevent broadcasting to the entire city. Actually, no can hear this, so it doesn't really matter what I say. I'm the lord Jesus Christ. I think I'm going to get drunk and beat up some hookers. How about you, Diane?
Diane Simmons: Well, Tom, I just plain don't like black people. Director: Uh, guys, we're still on in Boston |
Here is a link to a lot of quotes on IMDB:
<a href="http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0182576/quotes">Family Guy Quotes</a> |
Peter: "Lois, it's time for you to start living like the Pieceofschmidt you are."
Lois: "That's PEWTERschmidt." |
My favourite Family Guy quote is where the Fox exec said "Cut that piece of shit..."
:) Mr Mephisto |
Stewie: I want a kittie!!!
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Kate Moss: Oops! Crack in the floor!
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You'd have to see the episode, but
Mayor Adam West: "Are YOU stealing my water?" Next one I cant remember exactly, but Two truckers driving a huge semi "Hey [name] think I can pop a wheelie in this thing?" |
episode 15 season 3. The "special olimpics" one
peter: "just don't forget our deal lois, I sit through this and later tonight I get anal" Lois: (looks over) peter: "you hear me, no matter how neat I want the house, you have to clean it." |
Family Guy Opening Lyrics
There are two words in the opening lyrics of Family Guy that I don't understand, or maybe it's the same words twice.
It seems to day, that all you see.....etc, ("{[ SOMETHING ]}") is the Family GuuuuyY! ("{[ SOMETHING ]}") is the man who, possitivly can do... etc! little help? |
After being kicked in the shin, Peter says, "Ssssss ahhhhh. Ssssss ahhhhh. Ssssss ahhhhh. Ssssss ahhhhh. Ssssss ahhhhh. Ssssss ahhhhh." over and over again for about 3 mins. Its a 'you had to be there' moment, but I almost fell out of my chair when I saw that.
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Re: Family Guy Opening Lyrics
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Luckily there's a man who, possitively can do... at least I think so. :( |
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Can't believe no ones said anything about this one... Meg visits a college....Stewie walks off by himself & runs into some young women sitting under a tree I don't know it exactly but sumthin like
Girls: Hi there cutie. Have you thought about joining a Fraternity? Stewie: Yes actually I was thinking about joining I Phelta Thi And of course the Ass pinata and Brian saying "I sure hope candy comes out of that" is just classic material right there. Asta!! |
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