(Brian speaking as Stewie)

Brian: "I’m a pompous little antichrist who will probably abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim."

Didn't see this one listed already. It has to be my fave.

Doctor: Peter, thats not a tumor, thats you penis.
Peter: I see... And this...
Doctor: Thats your scrotum.
Peter: I see...

Don't know if it was posted so sorry ahead of time if it was

Peter: What do they call you a Snausage?
Brian: Good one Peter where you up all night thinking of that one?
Peter: Nah I got to bed around 2-2:30!!

FRIGGIN HILARIOUS BEST SHOW EVER SO HAPPY THEY ARE DOING A MOVIE CANNOT WAIT!! BRING IT BACK TO TV!!

Whoa! A Famliy Guy movie?!?

Mario: Erica, you know I love you, but I gotta come clean...
Mario: I'm not really a man, I'm a woman!
Erica: OMG joo a wooman!?
Mario: Well actually, I'm not really a woman, I'm a horse!
Erica: OMG joo a hoorse?
Mario: Actually, I'm not really a horse, I'm a broom!

That's the ringer on my cel phone :)

Chris: Dad, what's the blowhole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.
____________________

Lois: Peter I’m sure you would have been a great mother if you had the chance.
Peter: You think so?
Lois: I know so.
[Lois leaves, Peter picks up Stewie from the crib, opens his shirt and places Stewie’s mouth on his nipple. Stewie begins sucking then realizes there’s something wrong and wakes up. Stewie pulls a hair out of his mouth and looks up at Peter before cringing in horror over sucking Peter’s nipple.]

I have never laughed harder than when I first saw that scene.
________________

Stewie: Oh Mother, I come bearing a gift. I’ll give you a hint, it’s in my diaper and it’s not a toaster.
_________________

Peter: Oh. My God, that reminds me I’ve got to give myself a breast exam. Uh-oh, uh-oh, a lump, oh god, OH GOD! Nope, Cheeto.
[Peter walks away eating the cheeto.]
_________________

Quagmire: Don’t worry Lois, I’d do everything to you.
Lois: What?
Quagmire: I’d do anything for you.
_________________

Peter speaking to a crowd of black people: I’d like to say a couple of truths to the men in this audience. It’s your fault we have so much crime in this country and it’s your fault we have so much violence in this country. You are ruining our society and you should be ashamed.
[Cut to Peter being chased through the streets by a mob angry black people.]

Owing a favor to the mafia don, Peter meets him and says:

"What are you gonna make me do, whack a guy, off a guy, whack off a guy? Cause I'm married."

And after being told all he has to do is take the Don's nephew to a movie:

"Wait a second. Which movie? Cause if it's anything with Greg Kinnear, you can just whack me off right now."

Another Family Guy Quote site.

Hope it hasnt been posted yet.

Link

Later

Funny but horrible:

Peter: This is just like my other family
[shows a ranch in the desert]
[inside the house Peter is in hippy cloths talking to Charlie Manson and his followers]
Peter: I got invited to a party at Sharon Tates house, you can come but you can't embarrasse me.

My other favorite is.

Lois: Peter your acting like a child.
Peter: Yeah Lois, well if I'm a child you know what that makes you?. That makes you a pedofile Lois and I refuse to be insulted by a pervert.
[Peter slams door while leaving]

And.

[Stewie has a bully tied up in his room]
Lois: What's going on down here?
Stewie: Oh, we're playing house.
Lois: That boy's all tied up.
Stewie: Roman Polanski's house

Special Olympics episode with the stephen hawking like character saying:
"boom shacka lacka lacka boom shaka lacka lacka boom"

Quagmire and Lois are on a date when Lois and Peter are separated.
Waiter: Here's your table, sir.
Quagmire: Thank you waiter. Could we get some drinks?
Waiter: Certainly Mr. Quagmire. The usual: A martini for you and a Ruphi Colada for your date?

from "A very special Family Guy freakin' Christmas"

Peter: Aww Crap! Since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from?"
Brian: I think they had a meeting about it last night.
Peter: Why wasn't I told?
Brian: They sent you a card but it says "For Peter" in it so you must have thought it was from you so you didn't uh...you know it's just easier to call you "stupid."
--------------------------
Stewie: Damn you! Vile woman!!

I have waaaay too many, but I did love Peter's musical rendition of "You can't spell... Silo, without Lois."

alright, i cant believe nobody said this one

STEWIE: Don't give me that smug look. Fine....well you have extra sensitive hearing.....hear this (mouths FUCK YOU).

BRIAN: I'm telling.

STEWIE: I..I..I..um...um..um. I said vacuum.

HAHAHAHA..... It's so much fun when I'm the only good lip reader around! :-D

Quaugmire <sp?>: "911? Yeah, it's Quaugmire. Yeah, it's stuck in a window this time. Yeah, thanks."

I love that one, I yell it on the kitchen line all the time.

Also the song stewie sings when he joins the banjo band in "To Live and Die In Dixie"

I *LOVE* this song!

Setup: Stewie is saying "a few words" after burying Brian's mom in eposide 20.

"Yea and God said to Abraham, ''You will kill your son Isaac.'' And Abraham said, ''I can't hear you, you'll have to speak into the microphone.'' And God said ''Oh, I'm sorry.. is this better? Check... Check... Check... Jerry pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here.'' Stewie

Stewie: Augh! What the hell do you think you're doing?
Brian: I'm cleaning myself.
Stewie: You were clean fifteen minutes ago, now you're just on vacation.

Glen Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.






Greatest...show...ever.

Stewie: FINALLY! Now I can have my SEXY parties!

Motel Owner: This is the bathroom but watch out, we got some bad roaches here.
Roach 1: Hey! You're on our turf man.
Roach 2: Hey man, I... I cut you, I cut you up so bad, you, you gonna, you gonna wish I no cut you up so bad.
Brian: Those are bad roaches.
Motel Owner: I blame the schools.

and

Brian: Hola! Um...me, me llamo es Brian. Ahh, uh, um lets see, uh, nosotros queremos ir con ustedes.
Mexican: Hey that was pretty good. But actually when you said, "Me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es." Just, "Me llamo Brian."
Brian: Oh, you speak English.
Mexican: No just that first speech and this one explaining it.
Brian: You...you're kidding right?
Mexican: Que?

and you'd have to see it to know how funny it is... the southern accent is priceless. (Dammit Janet)

Peter: “Whoa whoa whoa wait a second? You’re telling me I flew all the way to Kentucky to get some of your fried chicken, and the Colonel isn’t even working today?”
Employee: “He ain’t away, he dead.”
Peter: “What?”
Employee: I say he dead.
Peter: (Louder)“Is Mr. Sanders in?”
Cashier: “What wrong with you? I say you he dead.”
Peter: (Pause, Leans up on the counter and screams) “THE COLONEL!”

Stewie: Look at him, he runs like a Welshman!



Lois: We have to get the children ready for the big meet tomorrow.

Peter: Hehehehehe you said big meat.

Not a quote, persay, but I couldn't stop laughing in that episode where the family goes south and the raccoon/possum keeps attacking Peter. When peter got taken out in the portable outhouse and it flipped I practically missed the rest of the show.

Ah good one is Chris tells the story of his goldfish.

*walks in room*
*attempts to feed goldfish*
*notices puddles leading to broken window*
Chris: Oh my god, my fish is gone
*looks over to broken piggy bank*
Chris: and he robbed me

Same episode where Peter teaches Chris how to get a free meal... I laughed at that one for weeks.

I love the bloodthirsty monkey that threatens to kill chris

P: You wanna know what my problem is, Lois?... I love too much!!
L: Peter, what are you talking about?!
P: Can't you see it, Lois???, we're alive!!!
L: Peter, you're scarying me...
P: Good, embrace the fear!! Dance with me, Lois!!!. Dance the dance of life!!!
(He jumps up and down and crashes into a table)

This was just on last night in fact. Peter got sued for telling a boob joke at work and he has to go to a female's retreat for senstivity training. When he comes back, he's pretty much a chick right? I love the part where Peter takes stewie to his nipple and stewie starts sucking on it half assleep and he wakes up, pulls a hair out of his mouth, realizes and pretty much has a breakdown!

Hilarious!:lol:

"You might have killed her when you hit her with the chair. You might have killed her when you stuffed all those dolar bills down her throat. I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I'll tell you what diidn't kill her--- smoking"

"SHERRIFF Officer TJ Hooker. And this is my partner, McMillan and Wife"

"It's not so much I want to KILL (Lois). I just want her not to be alive anymore."

" Alright but you owe me. Later tonight, I get anal. (pause) No matter how clean I want the house you have to clean it."

My 2 favorite things are -

1) when he was making fun of the network and he was something to the effect of "what are they gonna do cut our budget?!" then they took away the animation for his movement and he sort of wobbled back and forth to the kitchen... Not the best description but if you remember it, its a classic moment.

2) when he says "wait a minute, what are these doing here" and he takes his chin off his face and stuffs it into his pants like it is supposed to be his balls...

I love humor like that. Where it is actually making fun of the show itself. It's always good to laugh at ones self...

Stewie singing Elton John's "Rocketman"

"and i'm going to be high.........as a kite"

I use this one about every day:

Stewie: "This calls for a sexy party!"