Kaliena

Lately, after taking a step back, I realized that I was one of those girls who gave up doing things for herself just to be right there for her man.

Now that I've realized this, I want to change it but I have no idea where to begin. I don't have any major hobbies, I just started a new job at work so no real friends, and the friends I did have were in college and have all moved away.

I'm really lost here and it's hard to find the motivation to pick up old hobbies. They just make me depressed because it just makes me focus on the situation I'm in.

Any suggestions?

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~Beware the waffle~

JustJess

It'll take some time. You'll do some searching, and question yourself on almost everything, but you'll start to figure things out. Just keep your sights on anything that makes you smile or your ears to perk up - sort of a "wha? what was that? that sounded Interesting!!" sort of feeling. Be you. In order to do that, spend some time with yourself and see who the hell that is. Take yourself on dates that you find interesting. Talk to people just for the hell of it, wherever you are.

We're out there, you'll find us.

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

Kaliena

Thank you for the advice. Do you have any suggestions of things to look into?

I used to be into knitting, reading, and photography. They've all kinda flatlined.

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~Beware the waffle~

Sultana

I have to suggest dance classes! There are lots of different types if you wantto do something on your own, nothing's better than belly dance. Lemme know if you need more information.

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"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Lady Sage

Yup, Sultana is right, take up a class!

Heck, I met Pan in the DVD section of a Borders book store...

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If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
Minds are like parachutes, they function best when open.
It`s Easier to Change a Condom Than a Diaper
Yes, the rumors are true... I actually AM a Witch.

Sage

For me, the first thing I started doing was going to Barnes and Noble and reading comic collections on the weekend evenings. There's tons of people there, and it was nice just to read Calvin and Hobbes and whatnot and giggle. Another thing I did was read the local indie paper to check out what was happening in the area and find classes and workshops to investigate. Ended up doing clay on Wednesday mornings at the senior center with a bunch of old ladies, and LOVED it

I think the best thing you can do is just listen to yourself. You dont' have to come up with anything specific, just say "do I want to be around people or be alone today?" That's usually a good starting place. Another thing that I did was get a seasonal pass to The Biltmore House and fed the ducks at the pond when I was bored. Don't berate yourself if nothing immediately pops out at you- just take things one day at a time

PS- there's always scrapbooking!

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abaya

The important thing is not just to do these things for yourself when you're single... but to remember to continue doing them after you've found another relationship. In fact, I think it's one of the Most Important Things EVER in maintaining a healthy, balanced, non-self-eradicating relationship... so better start practicing now!

I've gotten married recently, and one of my goals for the coming years (and decades ) is to mark out time for myself, to do the things that I have always loved to do, on a regular basis. You have to stay in tune with who you are, what makes you happy, what makes your "ears perk up," as Jess said. If you don't, it's not only damaging to your own sense of self, but it will most likely cause your partner to be frustrated at losing the person whom he fell in love with in the first place (unless he's codependent, then you're both in a mess).

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Mrs Master

I'm glad you raised this Kaliena, Im going through something similar but Im in a relationship. I recently came very close to leaving him simply because I wasn't seeking a life beyond him. He hasn't prevented me from having that life but a lifetime of being in controling relationships before him had me creating my own cage to live in and blaming him (this was a big revelation for me just the other day).

He has his faults, but he also believes strongly that everyone has a right to be a separate individual, it really worries, bores and frustrates him that I have no interests or friends. Ive finally seen the light and know that I dont have to be out of this relationship to have my own life. But I honestly thought that it could be the only answer just days ago. I never once gave myself a real chance to enjoy being single. I was in a heartbreaking situation where I thought I would have to sacrifice a beautiful relationship to find myself. I couldn't have been further from the truth, once I really, really opened up to him I woke up and realised a strong history of sabotaging that was behind me. I also found out how desparate he has been for me to open myself up to him about what I really think and feel instead of just pleasing him. Ive also decided to get some couselling to shake off so many of these old wounds.

I think the course ideas are fabulous. For me that would be the best motivation to get out and meet other people which is a big part of the problem. He isn't sociable so I've isolated my self following in his footsteps, the problem is its detrimental for me but not for him, he's one of those reclusive brainy types that feels no need or desire to be out amongst others, I'm not. I've taken on so many of his personality traits and lost a sense of myself, but saying that I dont think Ive ever had a real sense of myself. He spent 7 years choosing to be single, reclusing and maturing in a way where he has a firm sense of who he is and what makes him tick, I never have, its time to explore. Damn I've talked alot about him havent I, no shocks there.

This has turned into kind of a therapy diary for me, sorry guys, just really hit a cord. Feel free to pm me Kaliena if you'd like a training partner, or just someone to talk to. As a final note just incase you dont pm, if you have been with partners who are also co dependent, from past experience its never lasts, that I believe is when you are better off being single, and embracing it.

theycallmelisa

i think mrs. master said it all

Good luck!