A Question for the Ladies - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

sunkssd · 02-25-2006, 08:40 AM

Okay, so my boyfriend and I have been going out for about 9 months. We have known each other for a year and a half. We were fuck buddies before we starting dating.

I moved about six months ago and I am now two hours away from him. He doesn't have a car so I drive up to see him every weekend. Lately I have been thinking he has been cheating on me. I randomly go to myspace and I noticed one day that he was on it and all these women were leaving him very sexual comments. So I had one of my friends set up an account and start talking to him, just to see what he would say. I was hoping he would say he had a girlfriend and he was just a flirt, because he is.

Nope. He keeps asking her to come over and talks very sexual with her. Now, if he has done this to her, I know he has done it to other girls and more then likely cheated on me with them. So what do I do? I mean I love the guy and all, but I can't be with him if he is cheating on me. How do I bring it up even?

maleficent · 02-25-2006, 09:57 AM

I've written and rewritten this about five times... and get quite get the words write...

How do you bring up the fact that you didn't trust him (regardless of the reasons why) so you pretty much set him up? Be honest... the relationship sounds like it's over anyhow...

You didn't get the response that you wanted... and you don't trust the guy... Are the things that you love worth more than the fact that you don't trust him?

amonkie · 02-25-2006, 10:54 AM

Gotta agree with Mal - But # 1 - you need to talk to HIM, not snoop around behind his back ... trust is a tricky thing to rebuild. If it has already been damaged by what you feel he has done, then it may already be past the fixing point.

percy · 02-25-2006, 12:41 PM

Long distance relationships are difficult regardless of the circumstances. Maybe tell him that you want to take a break for a while, if just for your piece of mind.

shesus · 02-25-2006, 03:43 PM

I agree that trust is always lost and hard to get back. If you are sneaking around trying to set him up, it's already over. Call it experience and move on.

ngdawg · 02-25-2006, 06:21 PM

Two wrongs don't make a right....you can't justify going behind his back to see if he was going behind yours. Count your losses and leave the table. You should have insisted on him being upfront in the beginning, when you first had suspicions, instead of going on your own to confirm your fears.
Can it be repaired? Only you can decide that and then work like hell on it, then, like Mal said, what's the worth to you?

hunnychile · 02-25-2006, 06:21 PM

It's over and you pretty much know that. Both of you sound young and that you are ready to be with others and usually, once the trust is gone, then it's a done deal.

la petite moi · 02-26-2006, 01:04 AM

You lost trust in him, he went behind your back, so break it off. Communication is essential from the beginning, so start a new relationship with that in mind.

sunkssd · 02-26-2006, 12:17 PM

Thank you all for your advice. I did break up with him and I told him what I did. I know it was wrong, but I didn't know what to do. I should have just confronted him to begin with, but I was scared. I know doing what I did was even worse, so thank you all for just listening.

Sweetpea · 02-26-2006, 01:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunkssd

Thank you all for your advice. I did break up with him and I told him what I did. I know it was wrong, but I didn't know what to do. I should have just confronted him to begin with, but I was scared. I know doing what I did was even worse, so thank you all for just listening.

That's okay, we all make mistakes, so don't be too hard on yourself about it... just chalk this one up to experience and learn from it for your future relationships

And we're always here to listen

sweetpea

ash · 03-25-2006, 01:11 PM

this sort of thing is hard, either you trust him or you dont. going behind his back may not be the solution, but if you would have talked to him he would have lied to you, face it, its over. you found out something you dont like and its not like you guys have been married for twenty years its not worth it. find someone that loves and cares for and wouldnt throw it all away for sex.

ash · 03-26-2006, 12:03 AM

this guy is going to make you crazy, hope you figure out what you want, good luck.

02-25-2006, 08:40 AM	#1 (permalink)
sunkssd Upright Location: MI	A Question for the Ladies Okay, so my boyfriend and I have been going out for about 9 months. We have known each other for a year and a half. We were fuck buddies before we starting dating. I moved about six months ago and I am now two hours away from him. He doesn't have a car so I drive up to see him every weekend. Lately I have been thinking he has been cheating on me. I randomly go to myspace and I noticed one day that he was on it and all these women were leaving him very sexual comments. So I had one of my friends set up an account and start talking to him, just to see what he would say. I was hoping he would say he had a girlfriend and he was just a flirt, because he is. Nope. He keeps asking her to come over and talks very sexual with her. Now, if he has done this to her, I know he has done it to other girls and more then likely cheated on me with them. So what do I do? I mean I love the guy and all, but I can't be with him if he is cheating on me. How do I bring it up even?

02-25-2006, 09:57 AM	#2 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	I've written and rewritten this about five times... and get quite get the words write... How do you bring up the fact that you didn't trust him (regardless of the reasons why) so you pretty much set him up? Be honest... the relationship sounds like it's over anyhow... You didn't get the response that you wanted... and you don't trust the guy... Are the things that you love worth more than the fact that you don't trust him? __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

02-25-2006, 10:54 AM	#3 (permalink)
amonkie Drifting Administrator Location: Windy City	Gotta agree with Mal - But # 1 - you need to talk to HIM, not snoop around behind his back ... trust is a tricky thing to rebuild. If it has already been damaged by what you feel he has done, then it may already be past the fixing point. __________________ Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

02-25-2006, 03:43 PM	#5 (permalink)
shesus Fancy Location: Chicago	I agree that trust is always lost and hard to get back. If you are sneaking around trying to set him up, it's already over. Call it experience and move on. __________________ Whatever did happen to your soul? I heard you sold it Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

02-25-2006, 06:21 PM	#6 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	Two wrongs don't make a right....you can't justify going behind his back to see if he was going behind yours. Count your losses and leave the table. You should have insisted on him being upfront in the beginning, when you first had suspicions, instead of going on your own to confirm your fears. Can it be repaired? Only you can decide that and then work like hell on it, then, like Mal said, what's the worth to you? __________________ Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

02-25-2006, 12:41 PM	#4 (permalink)
percy Addict	Long distance relationships are difficult regardless of the circumstances. Maybe tell him that you want to take a break for a while, if just for your piece of mind.

02-25-2006, 06:21 PM	#7 (permalink)
hunnychile Alien Anthropologist Location: Between Boredom and Nirvana	It's over and you pretty much know that. Both of you sound young and that you are ready to be with others and usually, once the trust is gone, then it's a done deal. __________________ "I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

02-26-2006, 01:04 AM	#8 (permalink)
la petite moi Filling the Void. Location: California	You lost trust in him, he went behind your back, so break it off. Communication is essential from the beginning, so start a new relationship with that in mind.

02-26-2006, 12:17 PM	#9 (permalink)
sunkssd Upright Location: MI	Thank you all for your advice. I did break up with him and I told him what I did. I know it was wrong, but I didn't know what to do. I should have just confronted him to begin with, but I was scared. I know doing what I did was even worse, so thank you all for just listening.

03-25-2006, 01:11 PM	#11 (permalink)
ash Upright Location: texas	this sort of thing is hard, either you trust him or you dont. going behind his back may not be the solution, but if you would have talked to him he would have lied to you, face it, its over. you found out something you dont like and its not like you guys have been married for twenty years its not worth it. find someone that loves and cares for and wouldnt throw it all away for sex. __________________ "somepeoplesay"

03-26-2006, 12:03 AM	#12 (permalink)
ash Upright Location: texas	this guy is going to make you crazy, hope you figure out what you want, good luck. __________________ "somepeoplesay" Last edited by ash; 03-27-2006 at 06:03 AM..