Our innate need for friendship - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Cynthetiq · 05-10-2005, 06:17 PM

Quote:

http://www.latimes.com/features/heal...,3539148.story

SPECIAL WOMEN'S HEALTH SECTION
Our innate need for friendship
Science is just now catching on to what women have known all along: Strong female bonds can protect against life's hardships.
By Melissa Healy
Times Staff Writer

May 9, 2005

Women are keepers of each other's secrets, boosters of one another's wavering confidence, co-conspirators in life's adventures. Through laughter, tears and an inexhaustible river of talk, they keep each other well, and make each other better.

Across species and throughout human cultures, females have banded together for protection and mutual support. They have groomed each other, tended each other's young, nursed each other in illness and engaged in the kind of aimless sociability that has generally mystified male anthropologists.

But the power of girlfriends is beginning to yield its secrets to science. For women, friendship not only rules, it protects. It buffers the hardships of life's transitions, it lowers blood pressure, boosts immunity and promotes healing. It may help explain one of medical science's most enduring mysteries: why women, on average, have lower rates of heart disease and longer life expectancies than men.

"Women are much more social in the way they cope with stress," says Shelley E. Taylor, author of "The Tending Instinct" and a social neuroscientist at UCLA. "Men are more likely to deal with stress with a 'fight or flight' reaction — with aggression or withdrawal." But aggression and withdrawal take a physiological toll, and friendship brings comfort that mitigates the ill effects of stress, Taylor says. That difference alone, she adds, "contributes to the gender difference in longevity."

Women's reliance on their female friends — and the benefits they believe they get from those friendships — crosses the lines of ethnicity, income and age.

"There's a sense of well-being with Liza; I just feel stronger — more alive — when I talk to her," Brea resident Susie Gonzalez, 27, says of her best friend Liza Melendez.

To be sure, friendships — the feeling of being connected to a supportive network — profoundly affect the health of both genders, according to researchers. Men and women who report loneliness die earlier, get sick more often and weather transitions with greater physical wear and tear than those who say they have a support network of friends or family. "Loneliness is simply one of the principal causes of premature death in this country," says Dr. James J. Lynch, a Maryland-based author and psychologist who works with cardiac rehabilitation patients.

Men rely heavily on their marriages — on their wives, specifically — to ward off the corrosive health effects of loneliness. Married men are markedly healthier and live longer than bachelors or widowers.

Married women, by contrast, are only slightly better off than unmarried women or widows when it comes to health and social support. Researchers attribute the difference to women's greater reliance on friendships outside of marriage. These friendships make women's support networks broader, deeper and more resilient than the webs of support that men have.

"When a romantic relationship ends, a woman still has other sources of intimacy — her friends — and that provides her with another source of support," says Beverley Fehr of the University of Winnipeg in Manitoba, author of a scholarly study of friendship titled "Friendship Processes." When a man loses his primary female partner, says Ohio State University psychologist Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, "he's in trouble."

*

Calming hormone

Increasingly, researchers think that the hormone oxytocin is, for women especially, the elixir of friendship — and, by extension, of health.

Present in both men and women, oxytocin levels spike in females following childbirth and when nursing. But oxytocin levels also increase at times of isolation and stress. And when the hormone interacts with estrogen, studies have shown, it impels females to seek the company of others. "We call it a 'social thermostat' that keeps track of how well [females'] social supports are going," Taylor says. When the thermostat reads too low, females tend to reach out to others. When they reach out to others, oxytocin levels rise again and with that prolonged exposure comes a distinctive "calming, warm" effect, says Taylor. "We don't see the same mechanisms in men," she adds.

Stacy Anderson, a 36-year-old Culver City mother of two young children, recognizes oxytocin's effects. That, she says, must be the chemical that delivers that "wash of love" she feels when she sits down to breastfeed her baby. When she and her friend and fellow mother Terese Jungle leave the kids with husbands and take themselves out for an evening, there's a special warmth as well, she says.

The women talk about poetry and architecture and jewelry, and mimic the British-accented commentary of television naturalists while they people-watch. "We laugh a lot," says Anderson. "It's almost romantic."

By nudging women to build networks of support, oxytocin has a powerful indirect effect on their health. At least 22 studies have shown that having social support decreases the heart-racing, blood-pressure-boosting responses that humans and other social animals have to stress and the hormones it sends surging.

When oxytocin levels are high — even as a result of injection — reactions to stress are dampened. As a result, stress is less likely to do the kind of physiological damage that can lead to chronic diseases such as heart disease and metabolic disorders. When oxytocin levels are elevated, humans and other social animals also have been shown to heal faster and better from wounds.

Researchers at Ohio State University and Carnegie Mellon University have shown that people who report strong social supports have more robust immune systems and are less likely to succumb to infectious disease. Kiecolt-Glaser, who studies friendship and health, calls social support "the most reliable" psychological indicator of immune response that has been found.

There is even evidence that the broader network of friends and support that women tend to have may protect from the effects of dementia. A large survey of Swedes age 75 and older found in 2000 that the risk of developing dementia was lowest in men and women who maintained a wide variety of satisfying contacts with friends and relatives. The researchers surmised that the mental exercise of juggling many relationships kept the brains of those with rich social networks in better tone.

The health benefits of friendship are not news to Irene Miller, 59, of Woodland Hills. With her friend of 38 years, Anita Kienle, never far from reach, Miller has weathered the dissolution of her first marriage, depression and a malfunctioning thyroid gland. She, in turn, helped nurse Kienle, now 63, through breast cancer a decade ago. "I know this friendship has gotten me better from psychological and physical illness," she says. "You don't have to show me rats in a maze."

In 2000, when ovarian cancer survivor Jewel Williams met Faye Anderson of Compton, then a newly diagnosed breast cancer patient, she recognized a woman in need of a friend.

"I took her under my wing," says Williams, now 67, of Los Angeles. "I just knew it was in God's plan for me to stick with her and get her through the tough times." Today, Williams and Anderson, 63, visit and talk regularly on the phone, and the friendship is one of many that Williams says has filled her life with joy and purpose, and "kept me from going into a shell."

*

Male friendships not the same

But are women's friendships uniquely health-promoting? Do women glean benefits from their women friends that could not be gotten from boyfriends or husbands?

Among researchers, the answer is a definite maybe. Girlfriends, however, are unanimous: The answer is yes. "With women, you can bare your soul. You don't do that with your husband, and they don't do that with you," says Suzanne Dragge, 82, of Pasadena. She and her friend Connie Smith, 85, have counted church offerings, kidded each other and fly-fished together for almost a decade. "Thank goodness for lady friends."

In fact, for women, there is some evidence that a male partner, in times of stress, can make things worse. In a study published in the journal Psychosomatic Medicine in 1995, German researchers found that when subjects were given a stressful task — in this case, preparing a speech for delivery in front of an audience — men who were joined by their female partner for the preparation period showed much lower stress levels than those who had no support. For women, it was a different story. When women preparing their speeches were joined by their male partners, their stress hormones surged.

Taylor of UCLA surmises that findings such as this may reflect a major difference between the way men and women give support. Men's support to a friend or partner tends to take the form of advice, she says. Women's support more frequently comes in vaguer forms of encouragement, validation and acceptance. That, in turn, may let a woman work out her own solution to a problem, with less pressure to satisfy the expectations of her advisor.

Kiecolt-Glaser adds that differences in the ways that men and women converse may result in large differences in their social supports.

"Women tend to talk about feelings, whereas men tend to talk about events," says Kiecolt-Glaser.

On meeting a friend, a man may open a conversation with a comment on sports. By contrast, a woman is more likely to spill a personal problem — 'I'm having a tough time on my job' or 'my kids are driving me crazy' — right from the start.

"It's the self-disclosure aspect of the conversation that matters" to women — and which leads to supportive comments and validation from a friend, says Kiecolt-Glaser. "To say 'what a pity about the Sox' is not exactly a way to evoke warm support from others," she says.

As Kris Frieswick, a 41-year-old business columnist in Boston, says of self-disclosure among her circle of eight friends: "It's what you do … you spill."

She adds: "That's the basis of our mutual relationship, the mutual spilling, the purging and not being judged … these are women who accept you totally."

For the last decade, says Taylor, researchers have been scrambling to overcome decades of neglect in studying the factors that uniquely affect women's health. From the Bible's Ruth and Naomi to "Sex and the City's" quartet of friends, stories abound, but rigorous study of women's friendships remains in its infancy. Scientists, she adds, need a "wake-up call" to take it further.

"This is one of those areas that is relegated to nice stories and pretty prose rather than hard science," Taylor says. "What this body of evidence suggests is that there's an important biological role for women's friendships that scientists have largely ignored."

I don't think that men don't bare their souls to their SO. I for one make sure that Skogafoss knows where I'm coming from so I tell her things from the heart. I do the same with a number of friends in my life, both men and women.

What do you do?

onodrim · 05-10-2005, 06:31 PM

I've found in my life that I've had an easier time being close friends with guys rather than girls, or at least I have an equal amount of girl friends and guy friends. And I've never had a problem with being totally honest and communicative with Secret. So I guess I'm either a freak or lucky.

I think it's important that people get past the idea that girls can only be close with girls and not men, and be friends with whoever they like in whatever way works for them.

Seeker · 05-10-2005, 06:33 PM

I personally have been drawn to males in friendship. I've always had a hard time forming female friendships, as most females I know are caught up in opinions, very judgemental, I guess just not supportive. I have met some men that have given me more support in situations than any female.

Just being here, I have seen that both sexes can be supportive. Unfortunately it's not the 'norm' everywhere.

*Something I didn't respond to in this post originally is the relation to friendship and health. I have been thinking on this some more. I remember feeling healthier when I had a particularly good friend. I could stay up later at night, get up earlier in the morning.. I felt really good about myself. Now I don't have this friend in my life anymore I do feel like I'm slipping back in this aspect... interesting!

Lead543 · 05-10-2005, 06:43 PM

I found my girlfriend's to be judgemental, cruel, competitive and gossipers.

My male friend's would ditch me for anything they could stick their *teehee* into.

I think it's my age, mainly. I do miss having female friends though, two in particular. We could discuss lip gloss, food, what happened in school, clothes, body image, politics, my latest love affair. I hope one day to find that kind of friendship again.

Supple Cow · 05-10-2005, 07:59 PM

This research about strong bonds between women is not surprising to me at all. This is exactly what I was talking about in the Ladies Lounge. However, any male SO of mine is going to have to share just as strong a bond with me to be my SO. Perhaps it's just less common for men to feel comfortable with such sharing because of pressure from societal conceptions of what a man should be.

On that note, I can recall being socialized to look for friends who would be "there for me," while my brother was socialized to avoid the boys who were in gangs or who did drugs.

Cynthetiq · 05-11-2005, 06:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Supple Cow

On that note, I can recall being socialized to look for friends who would be "there for me," while my brother was socialized to avoid the boys who were in gangs or who did drugs.

Interesting, my parents socialized me with both... once I was avoiding the gangs and drugs, I was to find friends that were "there for me."

Of those childhood friends, one still stands, and he's been my best friend since freshman year.

Cuatela · 05-11-2005, 08:02 AM

My friends are usually a lot like my relationships. They don't last very long, but they're incredibly fun while they do. I only have 3 or 4 friends that have lasted more than a year, and all of them are female. I tend to have more female friends than male, and the male friends are usually dating or interested in one of the female friends.

warrrreagl · 05-11-2005, 08:08 AM

I know a lot of folks, but no one closely other than my wife. I guess I prefer to keep friends handy but at a distance. However, I do have one very close friend from all the way back to junior high school that I'd drop everything to help him out (even though it's been 12 years since we talked).

Now my wife..... THAT'S an interesting story. I hope she responds to this thread.

JustJess · 05-11-2005, 09:05 AM

Thankfully, Quadro is my best friend as well as SO. As I said in SC's thread, I really do wish I had more in the way of other friends, however. I think the health benefits can also be associated with the idea that women do talk about stresses and things more easily, they're VENTING, thus they're healthier not keeping stuff bottled up. Men typically don't vent the same way, thus they are not as healthy.

Quote:

In fact, for women, there is some evidence that a male partner, in times of stress, can make things worse. In a study published in the journal Psychosomatic Medicine in 1995, German researchers found that when subjects were given a stressful task — in this case, preparing a speech for delivery in front of an audience — men who were joined by their female partner for the preparation period showed much lower stress levels than those who had no support. For women, it was a different story. When women preparing their speeches were joined by their male partners, their stress hormones surged.

Taylor of UCLA surmises that findings such as this may reflect a major difference between the way men and women give support. Men's support to a friend or partner tends to take the form of advice, she says. Women's support more frequently comes in vaguer forms of encouragement, validation and acceptance. That, in turn, may let a woman work out her own solution to a problem, with less pressure to satisfy the expectations of her advisor.

I found this really resonated with me. Quadro may not mean it, but there are lots of times that I feel his advice just puts even more pressure on me. It's as if, once given, you must follow that or you don't get to vent anymore, or be upset anymore. Poor Quadro, he only tries to help. :*

Cuatela · 05-11-2005, 11:21 AM

I don't know about every male, but when I give advice, I don't necessarily expect it to be followed. It's only a suggestion. Then again, I only give advice when asked for it.

05-10-2005, 06:31 PM	#2 (permalink)
onodrim Cosmically Curious Location: Chicago, IL	I've found in my life that I've had an easier time being close friends with guys rather than girls, or at least I have an equal amount of girl friends and guy friends. And I've never had a problem with being totally honest and communicative with Secret. So I guess I'm either a freak or lucky. I think it's important that people get past the idea that girls can only be close with girls and not men, and be friends with whoever they like in whatever way works for them. __________________ "The world is so exquisite with so much love and moral depth, that there is no reason to deceive ourselves with pretty stories for which there’s little good evidence. Far better it seems to me, in our vulnerability, is to look death in the eye and to be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides" -Carl Sagan

05-10-2005, 06:33 PM	#3 (permalink)
Seeker Getting Clearer Location: with spirit	I personally have been drawn to males in friendship. I've always had a hard time forming female friendships, as most females I know are caught up in opinions, very judgemental, I guess just not supportive. I have met some men that have given me more support in situations than any female. Just being here, I have seen that both sexes can be supportive. Unfortunately it's not the 'norm' everywhere. Something I didn't respond to in this post originally is the relation to friendship and health. I have been thinking on this some more. I remember feeling healthier when I had a particularly good friend. I could stay up later at night, get up earlier in the morning.. I felt really good about myself. Now I don't have this friend in my life anymore I do feel like I'm slipping back in this aspect... interesting! __________________ To those who wander but who are not lost...* ~ Knowledge is not something you acquire, it is something you open yourself to. Last edited by Seeker; 05-10-2005 at 10:23 PM.. Reason: Add thoughts *

05-10-2005, 07:59 PM	#5 (permalink)
Supple Cow Americow, the Beautiful Location: Washington, D.C.	This research about strong bonds between women is not surprising to me at all. This is exactly what I was talking about in the Ladies Lounge. However, any male SO of mine is going to have to share just as strong a bond with me to be my SO. Perhaps it's just less common for men to feel comfortable with such sharing because of pressure from societal conceptions of what a man should be. On that note, I can recall being socialized to look for friends who would be "there for me," while my brother was socialized to avoid the boys who were in gangs or who did drugs. __________________ "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." (Michael Jordan)

05-11-2005, 08:02 AM	#7 (permalink)
Cuatela Insane Location: NC, USA	My friends are usually a lot like my relationships. They don't last very long, but they're incredibly fun while they do. I only have 3 or 4 friends that have lasted more than a year, and all of them are female. I tend to have more female friends than male, and the male friends are usually dating or interested in one of the female friends. __________________ Any sarcasm was intentional.

05-11-2005, 08:08 AM	#8 (permalink)
warrrreagl pinche vato Location: backwater, Third World, land of cotton	I know a lot of folks, but no one closely other than my wife. I guess I prefer to keep friends handy but at a distance. However, I do have one very close friend from all the way back to junior high school that I'd drop everything to help him out (even though it's been 12 years since we talked). Now my wife..... THAT'S an interesting story. I hope she responds to this thread. __________________ Living is easy with eyes closed.

05-10-2005, 06:43 PM	#4 (permalink)
Lead543 Registered User Location: Calgary	I found my girlfriend's to be judgemental, cruel, competitive and gossipers. My male friend's would ditch me for anything they could stick their teehee into. I think it's my age, mainly. I do miss having female friends though, two in particular. We could discuss lip gloss, food, what happened in school, clothes, body image, politics, my latest love affair. I hope one day to find that kind of friendship again.

05-11-2005, 11:21 AM	#10 (permalink)
Cuatela Insane Location: NC, USA	I don't know about every male, but when I give advice, I don't necessarily expect it to be followed. It's only a suggestion. Then again, I only give advice when asked for it. __________________ Any sarcasm was intentional.