so what would YOU say to this - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

ziadel · 04-09-2005, 02:54 PM

heres a little background. My parents and I don't get along. we REALLY don't get along. had to jump ship on them when I was 16 and I havent been back since.

so my uncle dies recently, so I've been over there quite a bit.

then I get this e-mail from my dad

Quote:

Yea, he drives an F-150.

This must be down in the trailer park. You meet the nicest people in trailer
parks.

Seriously Adam, thanks for coming over yesterday and being with the family over
this time. I have really been impressed with you lately and how grown up you've
become. I am so happy that Modern welding has worked out so well and that you
have found something that you like and are so good at as well. I really hope
that Intermagnetics calls and offers you the job.

I really hope that we can work on our family relationships as well. Your mother
and I both love you very much and have always wanted the best for you. Let's
figure out how to make that happen.

Baba is going to need our help and attention going forward. Just spending time
with her and around her will do so much to help her get through the loss of
Uncle Bruce. Stop over to see her and us when you can; it really does help
everyone.

Love,
Dad

-----Original Message-----
From: adam ziadel [mailto:ziadel2001@hotmail.com]
Sent: Monday, April 04, 2005 8:27 PM
To: Uruskyj, John (Corporate)
Subject: :O

this is fucked up

Link Removed.....(unauthorized personal information)

I really just wanna tell them to get bent, as I figure this is another piss poor lets manipulate adam plot.

I dunno tho. what would you say?

SVT01Cobra · 04-09-2005, 03:04 PM

Hmm...I think it's good that they want to spend some time with you. There have obviously been some bridges that have been torn down between you and your family, and you can't really expect those to be repaired instantly. I would say maybe give it a try, and feel it out.

Perhaps your father's starting to feel really guilty about not having a good relationship with his son? I dont think any parent wants to die knowing that they didn't get along with their kids.

In the end, I think it's better to patch things up, rather than to continue to hate eachother.

tecoyah · 04-09-2005, 03:04 PM

eventually....you will NEED to get over the pain of your family Drama......regardless of what it is. Holding it inside accomplishes nothing but removing a chance to grow as an individual. I did not talk to my father for seven years, and when I finally did it was an enormous pressure lifted from me. A pressure I had no Idea was even there.

Just my take.

KMA-628 · 04-09-2005, 03:06 PM

Am I missing something?

Where is the manipulation? Maybe a little more info might help, but I can't quite get the gist of what you are trying to say.

What does the criminal background have to do with this? Who is the check referring to?

liquidlight · 04-09-2005, 03:08 PM

At least they're willing to make an effort, I'm estranged from my entire immediate family and they still don't even understand why I was upset to begin with. So I've moved on and I just don't need them in that fashion.

*shrugs* It's really up to you, I'd just recommend that you not go into this expecting something miraculous.

ziadel · 04-09-2005, 03:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KMA-628

Am I missing something?

Where is the manipulation? Maybe a little more info might help, but I can't quite get the gist of what you are trying to say.

What does the criminal background have to do with this? Who is the check referring to?

I was just looking through some public records and found a guy who sexually assaulted a 4 year old girl who lives down the road from my parents, so I sent him a little heads up.

maleficent · 04-09-2005, 03:20 PM

Sounds like your dad is reaching out to you... and wants to repaid a damaged relationship, death makes people realize their own mortality and they tend to want to make amends with past wrongs.

Give them a chance.. it couldn't hurt anything

ziadel · 04-09-2005, 03:24 PM

see, when he talks about family relationships, plural, so I am led to hope that he is talking about his relationship with his side of the family as well, but I dunno.

see, when I left home, the cops were involved, truant officers, the works. my fathers side of the family made making sure I was OK, (I cut ties with everyone for a while, because I assumed, CORRECTLY that my parents would either be tailing most of my family members, or they would hire someone to do so, the latter turned out to be true) as a result when the cops provided information as to why I might have left home and told the truth, instead of the devil worshiping BS my parents spat at them, it caused a HUGE rift there. my father did'nt speak to his sibblings after that. which made it really hard for me because I tend to get along with my fathers side of the family more than my mothers side. or mebbe he just heard there is a rift developing between me and my fathers side of the family and is looking to capitalize on it.
dunno.

Sweetpea · 04-09-2005, 03:26 PM

Having someone close to you die can change people. Perhaps the death made him see things differently and made him see you differently.

When there has been family issues, here is what you need to do . . . put the Past in the PAST . . . and live in the moment, if you feel your father is making an honest effort to have you in his life Now, then why continue to puninsh him for the past??

Now obviously i don't know you or your father personally, But It really honestly seems as though your father is trying to reach out and make amends . . . .
The only behavior we control is our own . . . if you feel like you want to let your father back into your life, then let it happen.

Sweetpea

maleficent · 04-09-2005, 03:29 PM

It's hard -- but see if you can let the past go... and work on your future relationship -- you aren't a rebellious kid anymore, you are a man, and it sounds like your dad would like to get to know that man.

You can't change the past... but you can accept it and move on from it...

WillyPete · 04-09-2005, 03:33 PM

Yeah, I'm thinking the same.
Was it your dad's brother?
In that case your dad is seeing that he only has 'Baba' and your mother and you.
He's thinking about things he should have cleared up or said to his brother /in-law.
The next obvious thing is for him to think about dying and not having the chance to have srraightened things with you.

It's one possibility.
Always give family relationships a chance. It's the only one you have.

ziadel · 04-09-2005, 03:34 PM

whoops, I shoulda mentioned that Baba is Ukrainian for grandma

yes it was my dads brother that died.

F-18_Driver · 04-09-2005, 03:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ziadel

heres a little background. My parents and I don't get along. we REALLY don't get along. had to jump ship on them when I was 16 and I havent been back since.

so my uncle dies recently, so I've been over there quite a bit.

then I get this e-mail from my dad

I really just wanna tell them to get bent, as I figure this is another piss poor lets manipulate adam plot.

I dunno tho. what would you say?

You're going to be hard to manipulate if you don't need anything from them.

Just an innocent question, though:

Could there have been a little blame on both sides when you were 16? Any actions you undertook that would be hard for parents to tolerate?

If not, you were one in a million. Just like perfect parents.

My $.02.

ziadel · 04-09-2005, 03:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by F-18_Driver

You're going to be hard to manipulate if you don't need anything from them.

Just an innocent question, though:

Could there have been a little blame on both sides when you were 16? Any actions you undertook that would be hard for parents to tolerate?

If not, you were one in a million. Just like perfect parents.

My $.02.

oh, I was odd. I wore eye makeup, dyed my hair black. still do, burns them to no end.

their big complaints were I refused to goto church, and did'nt apply myself in school. the church thing is pretty self-explanatory, as for school, did'nt like it. so I sat around and read.

most of my friends were drinking/drugging and getting arrested. I just wanted to read :shrug:

ziadel · 04-09-2005, 09:04 PM

my reply to my dear old dad.

Quote:

dad

thanks for the warm compliments. I wish the circumstances were drastically different, but it was nice how the family came together. it's nice to know that it can happen. I don't feel grown up tho, I still feel like I'm 16, jumping off the loading dock at shen, making a mad dash to the woods so I can smoke a cigarette

I'm really really happy about modern welding too. I know you were pissed because I was pissed because I felt you were kinda dragging your feet,. but in the end, it all worked out perfectly. Jeff, one of my teachers said that they always dread the september groups. Apparently in september they always get a load of "snot nosed punks right out of highschool that think they know everything", but he said we were a "refreshing change".
actaully he said, and this is a direct quote, "I'm not bullshitting you guys, your the best group I've seen come through here in 16 years. We have never had a class ever run out of projects to do in fab class. Its never happened before." when I think about it now, if I had suggested Modern Welding, and you guys had just cut a check, I wouldnt have gotten into the same group, and I prolly wouldnt have done as well. I certainly would have been at the top of my class, but in the class I was in now, I was prolly 3rd or 4th in the best group to ever walk through those doors. I'd rather be 3rd in the best group then first in a lousy one.
I think that my experience at modern has helped me break a lot of bad habits. When I look back and think about it, I really havent applied myself to anything since the 5th grade. After that, it was just habit to just sit around and do my own thing as opposed to paying attention. I think the experience will help me apply myself to everything I undertake in the future. And to be honest I dont know what that will be. a welding gig is most certainly in the immediate future, but I think thats just what I am gonna build off of at this point. I actually have to go to school monday and ask Jeff exactly what sort of career options involved with welding are available to me, basically, just ask him what he would do if he went to college and investigate his answers. I dunno, mebbe welding engineering, I really dunno whats out there.

what do you mean when you say family relationships? I'm hoping you will try to patch things up with aunt mary, despite the fact that she can be absolutely crazy at times, and just try to go from there. I think that's what is best for all of us. Things with me and your side of the family have been kinda stressed as of late, more or less thanks to jeff's big mouth, but thats neither here nor there. The point is we're a family, we should try to act more typically

besides, as trying as it can be for me to get along with Martha, Lisa and aunt Mary, it's all but impossible for me to relate to moms side of the family. and I mean impossible, I really don't speak to them anymore. Theres just no common ground on which to strike up a conversation.

But I'm not really sure whats best for me. I'm certainly keeping my options open. I never really have been. It's been an interesting topic of conversation between Carol and myself at this point. Obviously immediate employment is going to happen, but beyond that, I dunno. College, the army, I dunno. I've got a lot of options open to me now, and I intend to take a good hard look at ALL of them.

don;t forget about what uncle bruce asked you to do. In a week or two, start looking for a lawyer to take the case against dr. weisman forward. I really think he did drop the ball in a very negligent way. After you find one, talk to mel about it, tell her what uncle bruce asked you to do, and ask her how she wants to handle this. I really think this is important.

astrahl · 04-10-2005, 05:35 PM

You should give it a try. My father and I butted heads all the time and I ended up saying something to him in frustration... he turned away, walked a few paces and collapsed from a massive (and fatal) heart attack. I would give anything for another chance.

Regret is far worse than having to swallowing your pride.

lurkette · 04-11-2005, 08:46 AM

You should go take a look at the "before you rant about your parents" sticky that Cynthetiq posted in Tilted Living.

Sounds like your dad is trying to mend fences - no point in being suspicious. If you go looking for evidence of manipulation you'll be sure to find it everywhere you look. Keep an open mind and try to remember that you are NOT 16 any more, and as justified as you think you were at that age, you were probably a real pain in the ass

f6twister · 04-11-2005, 08:56 AM

What do you have to lose by attempting to work things out? If it doesn't work, you end up back where you are right now. You seem like you really want to work things out but you are very skeptical of your dad's intentions. Things can happen at any time. I thought my dad would be around until he was at least into his 70's and we would have plenty of time to spend together. Instead, he got cancer and died when he was 55, about 5 months before the birth of his first grand child.

What I'm saying is, don't throw away what might be your last chance to make things work. You may regret it later.

TroutKind · 04-12-2005, 09:07 PM

Having been in a typical divorced family setting, my father was hardly ever around in my younger years growing up. Over the past few years we have gotten alot closer, it mostly started when my grandmother died. I have really enjoyed getting to know him, and letting him get to know me.
Family is forever, especially parents. Just think if something terrible happened and you didn't have a chance to say goodbye. I would image that would be a terrible void you would have to live with the rest of your life.
I know that if and when I have children, I will strive to create and keep a strong and dear relationship to them regardless of what happens.
You only live once!

04-09-2005, 03:04 PM	#3 (permalink)
tecoyah Illusionary	eventually....you will NEED to get over the pain of your family Drama......regardless of what it is. Holding it inside accomplishes nothing but removing a chance to grow as an individual. I did not talk to my father for seven years, and when I finally did it was an enormous pressure lifted from me. A pressure I had no Idea was even there. Just my take. __________________ Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

04-09-2005, 03:06 PM	#4 (permalink)
KMA-628 ....is off his meds...you were warned. Location: The Wild Wild West	Am I missing something? Where is the manipulation? Maybe a little more info might help, but I can't quite get the gist of what you are trying to say. What does the criminal background have to do with this? Who is the check referring to? __________________ Before you criticize someone, you need to walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if they get angry at you.......you're a mile away.......and they're barefoot.

04-09-2005, 03:08 PM	#5 (permalink)
liquidlight AHH! Custom Title!! Location: The twisted warpings of my brain.	At least they're willing to make an effort, I'm estranged from my entire immediate family and they still don't even understand why I was upset to begin with. So I've moved on and I just don't need them in that fashion. shrugs It's really up to you, I'd just recommend that you not go into this expecting something miraculous. __________________ Halfway to hell and picking up speed.

04-09-2005, 03:20 PM	#7 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	Sounds like your dad is reaching out to you... and wants to repaid a damaged relationship, death makes people realize their own mortality and they tend to want to make amends with past wrongs. Give them a chance.. it couldn't hurt anything __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

04-09-2005, 03:24 PM	#8 (permalink)
ziadel Myrmidon Location: In the twilight and mist.	see, when he talks about family relationships, plural, so I am led to hope that he is talking about his relationship with his side of the family as well, but I dunno. see, when I left home, the cops were involved, truant officers, the works. my fathers side of the family made making sure I was OK, (I cut ties with everyone for a while, because I assumed, CORRECTLY that my parents would either be tailing most of my family members, or they would hire someone to do so, the latter turned out to be true) as a result when the cops provided information as to why I might have left home and told the truth, instead of the devil worshiping BS my parents spat at them, it caused a HUGE rift there. my father did'nt speak to his sibblings after that. which made it really hard for me because I tend to get along with my fathers side of the family more than my mothers side. or mebbe he just heard there is a rift developing between me and my fathers side of the family and is looking to capitalize on it. dunno. __________________ Ron Paul '08 Vote for Freedom Go ahead and google Dr. Ron Paul. You'll like what you read.

04-09-2005, 03:04 PM	#2 (permalink)
SVT01Cobra Psycho Location: Somewhere, Missouri	Hmm...I think it's good that they want to spend some time with you. There have obviously been some bridges that have been torn down between you and your family, and you can't really expect those to be repaired instantly. I would say maybe give it a try, and feel it out. Perhaps your father's starting to feel really guilty about not having a good relationship with his son? I dont think any parent wants to die knowing that they didn't get along with their kids. In the end, I think it's better to patch things up, rather than to continue to hate eachother.

04-09-2005, 03:26 PM	#9 (permalink)
Sweetpea Fade out Location: in love	Having someone close to you die can change people. Perhaps the death made him see things differently and made him see you differently. When there has been family issues, here is what you need to do . . . put the Past in the PAST . . . and live in the moment, if you feel your father is making an honest effort to have you in his life Now, then why continue to puninsh him for the past?? Now obviously i don't know you or your father personally, But It really honestly seems as though your father is trying to reach out and make amends . . . . The only behavior we control is our own . . . if you feel like you want to let your father back into your life, then let it happen. Sweetpea __________________ Having a Pet Will Change Your Life! Looking for a great pet?! Click Here! "I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself"

04-09-2005, 03:29 PM	#10 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	It's hard -- but see if you can let the past go... and work on your future relationship -- you aren't a rebellious kid anymore, you are a man, and it sounds like your dad would like to get to know that man. You can't change the past... but you can accept it and move on from it... __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

04-09-2005, 03:33 PM	#11 (permalink)
WillyPete Addict	Yeah, I'm thinking the same. Was it your dad's brother? In that case your dad is seeing that he only has 'Baba' and your mother and you. He's thinking about things he should have cleared up or said to his brother /in-law. The next obvious thing is for him to think about dying and not having the chance to have srraightened things with you. It's one possibility. Always give family relationships a chance. It's the only one you have.

04-09-2005, 03:34 PM	#12 (permalink)
ziadel Myrmidon Location: In the twilight and mist.	whoops, I shoulda mentioned that Baba is Ukrainian for grandma yes it was my dads brother that died. __________________ Ron Paul '08 Vote for Freedom Go ahead and google Dr. Ron Paul. You'll like what you read.

04-10-2005, 05:35 PM	#16 (permalink)
astrahl Insane Location: You don't want to live here	You should give it a try. My father and I butted heads all the time and I ended up saying something to him in frustration... he turned away, walked a few paces and collapsed from a massive (and fatal) heart attack. I would give anything for another chance. Regret is far worse than having to swallowing your pride. __________________ Maybe it was over when she chucked me out the Rover at full speed. Maybe Maybe... ~a-Ha

04-11-2005, 08:46 AM	#17 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	You should go take a look at the "before you rant about your parents" sticky that Cynthetiq posted in Tilted Living. Sounds like your dad is trying to mend fences - no point in being suspicious. If you go looking for evidence of manipulation you'll be sure to find it everywhere you look. Keep an open mind and try to remember that you are NOT 16 any more, and as justified as you think you were at that age, you were probably a real pain in the ass __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

04-11-2005, 08:56 AM	#18 (permalink)
f6twister Addict	What do you have to lose by attempting to work things out? If it doesn't work, you end up back where you are right now. You seem like you really want to work things out but you are very skeptical of your dad's intentions. Things can happen at any time. I thought my dad would be around until he was at least into his 70's and we would have plenty of time to spend together. Instead, he got cancer and died when he was 55, about 5 months before the birth of his first grand child. What I'm saying is, don't throw away what might be your last chance to make things work. You may regret it later. __________________ A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day. Calvin

04-12-2005, 09:07 PM	#19 (permalink)
TroutKind Tilted Location: Washington	Having been in a typical divorced family setting, my father was hardly ever around in my younger years growing up. Over the past few years we have gotten alot closer, it mostly started when my grandmother died. I have really enjoyed getting to know him, and letting him get to know me. Family is forever, especially parents. Just think if something terrible happened and you didn't have a chance to say goodbye. I would image that would be a terrible void you would have to live with the rest of your life. I know that if and when I have children, I will strive to create and keep a strong and dear relationship to them regardless of what happens. You only live once!