Lost my mother-in-law today - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Catmandu · 02-24-2005, 08:52 PM

My MIL died of pancreatic cancer today. She was diagnosed 3 weeks ago, and had surgery 1 week ago. She never woke up. Apparently she had a stroke a couple of days ago. My wife and her sibs were with her, across the country from me and my daughter. My emotions are sliding all over the place. It starts with crying, as she has been my mom, too, for the last 10 years. Then there's this feeling of relief, in that she was taken while unconscious, thereby saving herself weeks or months of pain. Next, the anger sets in. It's hard to get past the part where she basically couldn't survive the surgery or recovery. It's so unexpected. I feel like not enough was done for her. She was everything a mother could want to be, and deserved to see and hear her kids at the end. Is that stupid and selfish?

Nisses · 02-25-2005, 04:44 AM

It's just different stages of the mourning process Catmandu, don't feel guilty about that too... Just give yourself the time to grieve...

My condolences

A close loss like this is never easy.

tecoyah · 02-25-2005, 05:09 AM

You have my sympathies. I have found it helps to remember that the grief we feel is generally for ourselves....not for the one who has passed. She is in a better place, and you are still here....missing her presence.

We feel for you.

FatherTed · 02-25-2005, 06:33 AM

You are right to be confused, frustrated, distraught, angry and every other emotion that you are feeling.
Nothing about it is fair, and it is obviously all the more difficult because you, and your family, had really no time to prepare.

When I lost my dad a few years ago, I felt many of the above emotions - you would hardly be human of you did not - and after a while I questioned my on views around death and the afterlife.

I realised that I did actually believe that there is 'something' after death, I dont know if you would call it life. A nephew and a niece (both too small to understand death per se) talked about 'seeing and talking to Grandad' in their bedroom for quite a while afterwards and we took it to mean that he was doing whatever he could to look after us all. I thelped us to believe it, but it didnt, and doesnt, seem farfetched to us.

You have lost her, but that doesnt mean she has gone, or that you wont see her again - just that she has moved on.

I believe that we will all catch up with my Dad, when the time is right.

squirrelyburt · 02-25-2005, 07:07 AM

I'm sorry for your loss, hang in there. You are not being selfish at all, you are being human. look to your family and beliefs, find peace in your memories and love for her.

ShaniFaye · 02-25-2005, 07:16 AM

dont worry about being selfish.....you've had a loss, thats expected....my condolences to you and your family

Catmandu · 02-25-2005, 07:37 AM

Thanks for the good wishes. Having already lost my parents, I thought that I would be able to see things a little more objectively than I am. I know everyone did all they could to help her, but it will take some time for me to accept that. She deserved to be able to see her kids again. At least they were all there for her at the end.

02-24-2005, 08:52 PM	#1 (permalink)
Catmandu Insane Location: Seattle	Lost my mother-in-law today My MIL died of pancreatic cancer today. She was diagnosed 3 weeks ago, and had surgery 1 week ago. She never woke up. Apparently she had a stroke a couple of days ago. My wife and her sibs were with her, across the country from me and my daughter. My emotions are sliding all over the place. It starts with crying, as she has been my mom, too, for the last 10 years. Then there's this feeling of relief, in that she was taken while unconscious, thereby saving herself weeks or months of pain. Next, the anger sets in. It's hard to get past the part where she basically couldn't survive the surgery or recovery. It's so unexpected. I feel like not enough was done for her. She was everything a mother could want to be, and deserved to see and hear her kids at the end. Is that stupid and selfish?

02-25-2005, 04:44 AM	#2 (permalink)
Nisses Shade Location: Belgium	It's just different stages of the mourning process Catmandu, don't feel guilty about that too... Just give yourself the time to grieve... My condolences A close loss like this is never easy. __________________ Moderation should be moderately moderated.

02-25-2005, 05:09 AM	#3 (permalink)
tecoyah Illusionary	You have my sympathies. I have found it helps to remember that the grief we feel is generally for ourselves....not for the one who has passed. She is in a better place, and you are still here....missing her presence. We feel for you. __________________ Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

02-25-2005, 06:33 AM	#4 (permalink)
FatherTed Crazy Location: Ireland	You are right to be confused, frustrated, distraught, angry and every other emotion that you are feeling. Nothing about it is fair, and it is obviously all the more difficult because you, and your family, had really no time to prepare. When I lost my dad a few years ago, I felt many of the above emotions - you would hardly be human of you did not - and after a while I questioned my on views around death and the afterlife. I realised that I did actually believe that there is 'something' after death, I dont know if you would call it life. A nephew and a niece (both too small to understand death per se) talked about 'seeing and talking to Grandad' in their bedroom for quite a while afterwards and we took it to mean that he was doing whatever he could to look after us all. I thelped us to believe it, but it didnt, and doesnt, seem farfetched to us. You have lost her, but that doesnt mean she has gone, or that you wont see her again - just that she has moved on. I believe that we will all catch up with my Dad, when the time is right. __________________ Food, fun and frolicking - that's all I need

02-25-2005, 07:07 AM	#5 (permalink)
squirrelyburt Crazy Location: Central Wisconsin	I'm sorry for your loss, hang in there. You are not being selfish at all, you are being human. look to your family and beliefs, find peace in your memories and love for her. __________________ If you've ever felt there was a reason to be afraid of the dark, you were right.

02-25-2005, 07:16 AM	#6 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	dont worry about being selfish.....you've had a loss, thats expected....my condolences to you and your family __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

02-25-2005, 07:37 AM	#7 (permalink)
Catmandu Insane Location: Seattle	Thanks for the good wishes. Having already lost my parents, I thought that I would be able to see things a little more objectively than I am. I know everyone did all they could to help her, but it will take some time for me to accept that. She deserved to be able to see her kids again. At least they were all there for her at the end.