Cynthetiq

I have been thinking about this for the past 48 hours and I wonder how other people feel about it.

How do you feel when people talk about you in your presence? Specifically, they talk about actions you've taken like paths for chosen career, abilities, spouse choice, decisions you make, etc.

I am uncomfortable, but so long as they are being positive in their delivery I'm okay with it. It is sometimes the best tool I have to learn things, but I know that many others are not able to stomach it.

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

StanT

Horribly uncomfortable.

Positive or negative, I realize that it will happen regardless of my presence. That doesn't mean I have to like it.

EventHorizon

i'm curious to see how their bias changes what i tell them versus what they tell someone else. I agree its uncomfortable in the sense they're spreading information about you that you can't control, but its usually not that big of a deal

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Does Marcellus Wallace have the appearance of a female canine? Then for what reason did you attempt to copulate with him as if he were a female canine?

Quote:

Originally Posted by canuckguy Pretty simple really, do your own thing as long as it does not fuck with anyone's enjoyment of life.

MeltedMetalGlob

This has never happened to me, so I can't really say.

(Actually, it might have happened, but my Mandarin is so weak that I couldn't tell for sure.)

In any event, if I get talked about at all I'm never in the room when it happens.

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How's your mom, Ed?

filtherton

As long as everyone is being respectful, I appreciate it, even if it occasionally makes me uncomfortable. I think that it is valuable to get other folks perspective on me.

uncle phil

Kid In School: "Uncle Phil, dirty Ernie called me an asshole!!!"

Uncle Phil: "Well, are you?"

KIS: "No..."

UP: "Then what's the problem?"

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"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
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"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
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never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

Cynthetiq

phil how did kids look/react as you discussed them with their parents as they sat in the same room?

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

uncle phil

my advice to someone who has a problem with another, even if that somebody is me - you think i'm a jerk, i know i'm not, your opinion means nothing to me and not really enough to get excited about...

simplistic, i know, but that was my first read on the OP...

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"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
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"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

Lindy

They were talking about me in a meeting at work, almost like I wasn't there. Safety and diversification is one of the ways that management grades us. Several other managers saying that one of my portfolios is "dangerously" unbalanced, and suggesting how I could change that. Complicated by the fact that it is also the best performing portfolio in the fund. Ironic in that in the past I was criticized for trading to much. Now I've become unbalanced because I've held a position because I couldn't find anything better that I wanted to buy. So there's an inconsistency between how we're evaluated and how we're paid.
Then there's when people backbite and snipe at someone who's not around, which always makes me wonder what they say about me when I'm gone.

Lindy

Charlatan

I don't have an issue with people speaking about me per se. I do have a problem if what they are saying is inaccurate. As long as I have the opportunity to cross examine the discussion, I am good.

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"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

SirLance

I'd have to echo lindy, if you are speaking about me, don't act like I'm not in the room. Otherwise, be accurate.

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DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.

Lasereth

I get very interested when people talk about me. I can't really explain how I feel, but I can say that I take what they say to heart, and actually use it to better myself. Hearing what others think about you helps a lot with introspection.

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"A Darwinian attacks his theory, seeking to find flaws. An ID believer defends his theory, seeking to conceal flaws." -Roger Ebert

snowy

I work with a bunch of women, so it's bound to happen. We have a no gossip dictum, but that doesn't mean that we don't talk about people when they're not there--we just don't talk about their personal crap, or crap they don't want everyone to know. I know I get talked about. I just try to work hard so that all anyone will ever have to say about me is good stuff. So far it's worked!

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Ourcrazymodern?

I don't mind at all being talked about where I can hear it. What I don't like is being talked about behind my back, although I know that too has its uses.

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BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

skizziks

i feel very uncomfortable, i don't like hearing positive things about me at all. i assume all the negative stuff about me is said when i'm not around, and i'm good with that. i would rather hear negative stuff about me than positive stuff.

stellabella1978

I agree. I am interested in what people have to say about me - if they are being honest. I get insights about myself and my actions that I wouldn't have otherwise had.

LordEden

When it is good? I like to hear it. Gives me a warm feeling in ma tummy.

When it is bad? Is it true? Will the discussion help me learn from the mistake I made or help me correct bad flaws? Then, no I don't want to hear it, but if I learn something from it, then it helped me in the end.

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Vice-President of the CinnamonGirl Fan Club - The Meat of the Zombiesquirrel and CinnamonGirl Sandwich

Poetry

I think it's fascinating. I can go from group to group and be described as an entirely different person in each one, save for a few core traits. I think it's really indicative of the social values each group has, as well as individual projection. The order in which they list positive or negative things about you shows more about the speaker than the subject, which is really interesting to me.

Collecting data from multiple groups, allows you to get a view not on *who* you are, but *how* you are projecting yourself, but having that image taken from different angles for a more in-depth image.

It also allows you to discover behaviors or interpretations of behaviors that you never noticed. I think the things we do without realizing are sometimes more important than what things we are aware of.

In sum: I love it.

Ourcrazymodern?

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BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

GreyWolf

Not only do I find it to believe that talking about me isn't the norm, I'd be extremely put out to find people WEREN'T talking about me!!

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The secret to great marksmanship is deciding what the target was AFTER you've shot.

Strange Famous

For me it is difficult. I have a self opinion that can swing quite wildly, I think I always half suspect that people who I think are friendly/neutral really dont like me, are laughing at me behind my back, etc. I guess we all have that nagging voice at the back of our heads that keeps telling us "no one really cares, they all think you're a prick" - but sometimes you have circumstances in your life that make it harder to ignore. Up until I was about 22 I was actually a fairly confident person with normal self esteem. I dont really know what changed in me... but since then I have put on over 100 lbs, become quite a lonely person, prone to bad moods, anxious in social situations, etc. There are still many times I am perfectly happy and can be sociable and friendly, but I also have a lot of black moods now that I dont remember having as a kid.

In the last 4 weeks I got upset about 4 or 5 people on this site stating they didnt like me (in a thread that I presume got moved to the Members Playground which I no longer have access to) and deleted everything I could find which I could delete here and then stopped posting. Today some girl I'm not even that close with on Facebook unfriended me, and I just spent the last two hours deleting every friend and photo from my FB. I cant rationally justify why I react this way. Clearly I'm cutting my nose off to spite my face and I know I am and I cant even give a reason why. I suppose perhaps its some kind of proxy for real self harm, or maybe I'm just emotionally still adolescent... but both of those seem stupid explanations really.

It is possible to take on board something positive even from negative comments people make about you, but for me I dont know if its emotionally possible, because my first reaction tends to be to write off a relationship, to walk out of a situation, etc. I dont think its a good way to be. There are at least three or four people I was close friends (two I at least felt I was on love with) with that I stopped talking with over probably stupid misunderstandings. I never even had it out with any of them, just would stop communicating with them and by the time I had finished sulking, there was nothing left between us.

uncle phil

strange, how did you ever lose access to "member's playground?"

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

Strange Famous

dont know, I couldnt access it when I signed back in, but now I can. Maybe it was because I changed my account email to a false one.

Willravel

My ears burn.

biznatch

I hate it. When me and my team are being reviewed during our weekly meeting based on performance and results, I usually fare pretty well, so the higher-ups often give me compliments or tell the others to be more like me. I hate it, and immediately wanna disappear.
It's fine if everyone's doing well, or bad, just don't use me as some kind of measuring stick.

The_Jazz

You should have access now. If you don't, PM an admin and we'll get it back for you.

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"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

kowalskil

I feel the same way. I often talk about other people but not in their presence. That is probably very common. In their presence the talk would be directed to a person about whom I want to talk. For example, "What you showed yesterday was very useful to me. May I suggest ... "

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Ludwik Kowalski, author of a free ON-LINE book entitled “Diary of a Former Communist: Thoughts, Feelings, Reality.”
It is a testimony based on a diary kept between 1946 and 2004 (in the USSR, Poland, France and the USA).

SuburbanZombie

I, generally, couldn't care less what others have to say about me.

Ourcrazymodern?

So your ears are burning unlike Willravel's?

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BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

SuburbanZombie

lol
Nope...just ringing...

chinese crested

I guess if they are talking about you in front of you, at least you know what they think and can give some input I assume.
What gets me is people talking about people behind their backs - we all know gossip spreads. People are fast to criticise - yet tend not to praise enough. So. If I hear 'nice gossip' - complimentary gossip - I pass it on. One of the old gals nearby was telling me how much it meant to her, the doctor would often drop in on his way home and play with her cat (he had to give his up child had allergies) - for a few minutes, he would make that lady feel special. I heard she had died befor he did - he was touched to know how much she had valued him and his kindness to her. Mostly it seems the nature of people to spread more vile things. I think I would rather be told to my face than wait for chinese whispers.

lunxpress

I think you can pretty much sense from the beginning whether the observer is being constructively helpful or painfully critical. If I do sense that they are about to scrutinize me or my life, once I quiet my defensive ego, I turn the mental wheel back toward this mantra: Never value someone’s uninformed opinion or judgement about me, over my informed one. Unless they have walked in my shoes, their opinion is uninformed, and therefore incomplete and/or inaccurate.

Besides. Fuck them.

zenda

I have three present perspectives on this:
1: I commit to making good use of the content of the feedback regardless of who gives it.
2: I believe everyone has the right to express their opinion, and that some opinions are more qualified than others. Such judging of the quality of others' feedback is, for me, different from assessing the content - the 'out of the mouths of babes' factor.
3: I always assess WHY specifically someone presents their feedback at 'that' time and place, in front of 'those' people, at that part in a sequence of discussion etc.

I used to be entirely UNcomfortable, and developed the above as a way out of feeling pinned in a butterfly presentation case. Positive or negative, others' comments pulled me away from my 'just getting on with work' sense of myself, even to the extent of my forgetting what or how I was doing. These days, I feel the distant memories of the old traumas snapping in the direction of my heels, and that motivates me to stay alert.

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ZENDA

ManPaste

I'm okay with it as long as they're being kind, playful, or respectfully objective, or something along those lines. I'm a very conversational person and I appreciate when someone talks to me in almost any form. I even appreciate criticism and I often ask for it although I don't always agree with it. Depends entirely on the person's tone, mood, importance to me, future possibilities, etc. Also depends if it's a person I don't like.

Although I find that people rarely talk down to me or badly to me in my presence unless they're a friend of 3+ years because they know I'm an easy going guy and I just would laugh or playfully agree with them. I think we can all agree is that what's worse is when they talk about you out of your presence to someone else, or worse, someone else you know or who you're friends with.

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fwlinp

Generally uncomfortable!

Sometimes I like it when they do say something positive or negative but respectfully and seriously, so I can know my pros and cons.

Anyway, I know that they talk a lot in my absence!

kisabex

people will always talk about others, best to ignore it, if however your own friends are talking about you then A. get rid of them they arnt mates and B. tell them what you think of them doing this

where i work people gossip and bitch badly, i just keep to my close friends and let what the others say go over my head, but if one of my good friends gets slagged of infront of me then i jump in and defend.

at the end of the day you cant stop people being this way its just best to stay away from them.

lildonaka

like everyone else think it sucks unless it's good even then cause most people are insecure