Dear Author:

Thank you for submitting your manuscript. I notice it was printed on a smashing 50-lb. glossy paper (what at first I thought was a 250-page manuscript is actually less than half that). However, you have used a single-spaced line setting in addition to a line-break paragraph setting with no indentation. This makes the manuscript ill-suited for editing.

I do, however, prefer to edit on-screen, which is good that you also submitted a CD with the digital files. I sincerely hope you will not be upset by the fact that your hardcopy is suitable only for reading, and this is not something I wish to do with it because even with an initial reading, making notes is important. Moreover, making notes on glossy paper is a pain in the ass.

Put another way: you wasted the money you spent on paper, printing, and postage. More specifically, you spent twice as much as you should have under appropriate circumstances and it was for naught.

Sincerely,

Your Humble Servant and Editor

Dear Airborne Ranger Samurai Ninja Graduate-Degree Ultra-Genius:

Attaching a nylon tow strap to the exterior of a vehicle is a very bad idea.

The combination of ultraviolet radiation, dirt and rain deteriorates the fibers.

I'm pretty sure these factors are mentioned in the Ranger handbook, Mr. Tab-Pointer.

And don't forget that we're in the fucking desert (sand) and it's 110 every day (heat).

How about I just s-roll 'em, zip tie 'em, and break-away tie them inside the cab?

It's just as quick as "combat hanging," easier on the gear and 100% less retarded.

I know you'll yell at me later about this but that's okay, Sir. I can handle it.

Dear Don Corleone,
My dear, esteemed Sir. I understand that you're only fifteen years offa da boat, and you no speaka da English. However, your limited language skills and inability to comprehend US Federal law is not -my- problem.

You're an FFL, like me: a licensed dealer in firearms. As a consequence, you are no doubt burdened by the same phone-directory-sized book of regulations we are. We keep our copy on the computer station, so it's always handy for checking laws and regs when questions arise.

One of those laws and regulations is that you, as an FFL, are allowed to receive interstate firearms shipments. However, you'll note that your License, just like Grandma's best Ziti, has this thing called an "Expiration Date." And just like that Ziti turned into inedible glop after a few days, after three (3) years your FFL expires and must be renewed. Once your FFL expires, it is against a couple of dozen Federal and State laws for me to ship you a gun, ANY gun, for ANY reason. No, it does not matter that your submitted your renewal paperwork last week: your license expired on September First! Worse, we can see from your GunBroker feedback that you've received at least two firearms at your business since then!

As a consequence of this, no, we cannot ship the rifle you purchased until we receive a current, valid FFL. Per your suggestion we have examined your GunBroker feedback. In the 120-odd feedbacks, we found nearly a dozen which suggested that you have chronic difficulties communicating with customers, frequently refuse to honor the terms of auctions you won -or- listed, and just as frequently become threatening and abusive to your customers and sellers. One chap relates in some detail that you threatened to fly to Oregon and kill him, his wife, and his dog over a $35.00 Galil magazine.

And now, after three emails in which you have berated us, browbeaten us, called us racists, demanded that we check your police record and emailed us your Social Security Number, and -still- demanded that we ship your purchase in clear violation of Federal law, you have gotten around to threatening -us.-

At least, that's what I think you were doing, I can't really be sure. You emailed us a picture of yourself (nice shirt, by the way) and a separate picture of your Para-Ordnance 1911 LDA. Good choice in sidearms, but if the intent was to frighten us you really should remember that this is the United States, not Palermo or Pisa or Florence. The sight of a single handgun and three magazines, no matter how artistically displayed or how nicely filtered the light, is not intimidating in the slightest to people who sell the kind of hardware we do. If this is the best you can do for a threat, you might want to switch to bribery next because while we applaud your initiative in fulfilling every single extant Italian stereotype thus far, your success at applying these stereotypes to the business world leaves much to be desired.

You, Sir, are either the most incompetent gangster or the most transparent wannabe-ANYthing I've ever encountered, and it is not serving you well. At this rate, it's probably going to land you in prison. My suggestion? Stop. Open a trattoria or a pizzaria, buy a gondola, learn some English and start a roller-derby league, I don't care. But get outta the gun business before somebody gets hurt, capische?

Yours very sincerely and respectfully,
Dunedan

Dunedan, I will pay you to do the annoying toast part at my next wedding.

Dude, I'll do annoying toasts at -all- your weddings!

Ugh, you call it love... I call it a rapid succession of forgettable faces and wet fuck noises in an attempt to make yourself feel better about your damaged condition. It's okay, I realize Seymour hasn't fed you in a while and you're getting a little cranky.

...

We gotta talk. You're such fashion toolbag. Your leather man panties just don't look right, bro. I know you're not concerned with such things as you fight your skeletal nemesis, but everybody back at Grayskull is laughing.

...

I have internalized the mantra, "Qualification is not expertise." Have you? Obviously not, since you keep referencing how how much money you make, the number of crunches you can do, and how your haircut is slightly better than Paul Allen's.