essendoubleop

I think this is most appropriate for the Ladies' Lounge, but since I am such a strict adherent to rules, I'll let the moderators decide.

I recently joined one of the major free dating websites mainly just to browse around and see what was up. I recognized a few people I knew from school whom I didn't know all that well (or was attracted to). There were a few other locals who I thought might be potential matches but I realized I have no idea how to approach them. I was never big into chat rooms and IM and find meeting strangers online kind of weird.

Honestly, I'm more afraid of being thought of as a creep than being turned down. From having a lot of sisters and other girlfriends, it seems the ultimate insult is labeling a guy a creep and I don't want to come across that way. After wading a little into the online waters, it doesn't seem right for me. I'm planning on getting rid of any trace of having a dating profile soon, but before I do, there's one lady who I want to meet. We have a lot of the same interests, she was in some of my classes but we never talked, and she's attractive. I want to at least meet her, but again, I don't want to come across as some creepy guy. I'd feel much more comfortable meeting her in person than online but the time for that has passed. Could I get some coaching from some of the ladies out there who have first-hand experience with online dating? I'll probably only try to set something up with this one girl so if specific details are necessary I could probably PM you.

Plan9

If you would like this posted in the Ladies Lounge so only women may reply, you can always PM one of the helpful female-type staff members.

...

I'm not a woman, but I've got extensive experience with online dating. What you have in your profile and your first contact message are important.

I'll let some actual TFP females answer this before I go off on my Blooprintz for the Datingz on the Intarwebz again.

You may want to check out this thread while you wait.

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essendoubleop

I read the whole thread, very interesting but skimpy on the details. I'm mostly satisfied with my profile and how I'm represented. I get a good amount of visitors and the occasional wink (usually from a tranny, but a wink's a wink) but I'd imagine the vast majority of women on online dating sites are waiting for the men to initiate the first contact. What exactly do you say in your first message to a potential match? "Hey nice profile. I also enjoyed the Autobiography of Malcolm X." "Hey I remember you from classes at [college]. How's it goin?" I'm very attuned to physical first impressions and the appropriateness of conversation. There's a dance and rhythm to it. I have no clue what to do to spark up conversations like this online.

I am most interested from hearing the female's perspective on online advances made to them and what specifically you are looking for in that important first message. What's the best way to convey attractiveness and desirability and to spur further conversation, and what comes across as creepy?

RangerJoe

Let me take some screenshots of guys who have messaged me on dating sites and point out why I have or have not talked with them.

This may take a bit. Please hold...

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RangerJoe

pof.jpg

Basically, don't be a douche. Say something interesting and that will catch her attention. Standard messages like "wats up" are probably not going to warrant a response.

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You know what, there are days when I only open my mouth to change feet, and yet I still manage not to be as busted as this. - Daniel

essendoubleop

Hmm, the one you did like seemed very canned, I'd be willing to bet he copies and pastes that. Specificity doesn't matter? It's irrelevant if others tailor their messages to you?

I feel better seeing what a creep acts like and how different I am from that, and I don't think I come across as a douche but maybe most douches don't realize that either. And how did that 2nd guy take it you like his pics, just because you visited his profile?

RangerJoe

When it's a long message that makes no personal reference, I assume it's copied and pasted. I gave him the benefit of a doubt.

The picture guy had messaged me out of the blue saying I had visited his profile, when I hadn't. So, seeing that he was good looking I went ahead and said hi, which is what you see above his response.

I will admit that I'm a very picky person when talking to someone online. The smallest red flag and I won't talk to them.

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You know what, there are days when I only open my mouth to change feet, and yet I still manage not to be as busted as this. - Daniel

kramus

The line that caught my Lady's eye was when I asked for advice on how to move onward after a period of stasis. She found my profile off-putting, and I was definitely not within her requirements (I am not a post-grad, or even a post-secondary grad), so it was the conversation we struck up that made it work. And the conversation was sparked by that one line.

Find a line that is a hook, and be sure to indicate you are interested in women as human beings not play-dolls. Oh, and don't fill your profile with you though you do have to share. Try to communicate what you want in a new friend. If at all possible use correct spelling - eg don't confuse "your" and "you're".

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Baraka_Guru

I don't get it. Isn't the strong point of these dating sites the fact that you can match profiles to your interests? Do they only see your picture and a place to message you or something?

I'd figure you'd get more from the profile and lead with something actually interesting, rather than, "I saw ur pic. ur hot. wanna meet? lol."

I imagine that if I were to ever use this service, I'd like to find some girls who were into reading. If I didn't get specifics, I'd lead off with something like, "Hey, I see you enjoy reading. Who are your favourite authors?" Or something. If I could get specifics, it would be easier...like, "Hey, I see your favourite author is Isaac Asimov. That's great. I was hoping to read more of his stuff. I'd love to know where to start. Maybe we could get together for some coffee and chat."

You know, something.

The sardonic side of me says this, however:

For women, I can see the value of online dating services. It's a challenge meeting guys, because, let's face it, guys can be idiots when it comes to meeting girls in person. A great guy is hard to find, so what better idea than to have searchabe profiles of guys that will help weed out the creeps and "uh...no"s.

For guys?

"Woah, guy! I can pick up some hotties by searching them on my 'puter?! Sweet! lol! It's like reality pr0n!"

I generalize.

But it's fun.

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genuinegirly

I've never done the whole online dating thing, so maybe I'm not the best to respond, but here's what I'd look for if I did:

- clear writing style. Typos are ok, but internet speak is not
- a photograph with good lighting that shows a smile or shares a bit of their personality
- a carefully constructed profile that shows basic professional and personal interests, enough that I feel I could work out a decent conversation with the person
- a short message that may reference something from my profile, but not enough to appear as a stalker

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purplelirpa

Two of my relationships (1 previous and 1 current) have been the product of online dating sites.

The first asked me in his first message about strep in relation to auto immune disorders, asking if I'd ever had OCD, then went into a history of correlation between strep antibodies and mental illness. My profile had included that I have anxiety and an auto immune disease similar to lupus.

As I typically post a lot of my negative traits and bad lighting photos on dating profiles to offset the overwhelming amount of response I would receive if I didn't, I really like when guys take the time to really get an idea of who I am, what my interests are, and how they could add to that.

The current relationship simply commented on a costume I was wearing in a picture, and how he thought it looked really good. We then struck up a conversation about music, metaphysics, and binaural beats. We talked online for about 2 weeks, then met in person.

essendoubleop

Agh, more help please!! I'm really just trying to meet the one girl on there I'm interested in. I have written the first message like three times and each one feels more cheesy and awkward than the last. I don't have this kind of trouble writing to other ones on the site, but I already sort of know her (and she might be aware of me). I feel like I'm back in middle school or something! I thought this was suppose to be easier on the internet...

(It's exciting though. And fun, especially because I'm aware of how much over-importance I'm putting on this...)

Willravel

Be honest first and foremost.

I think a good first step is in exploring a commonality, a mutual interest upon which you can converse and then allow the conversation to grow organically.
It's simple, demonstrates a clear shared interest, and it's unassuming and pleasant. The same introduction could work in an Orchard Supply nursery should you bump into someone interesting there.

Jinn

Only you would make your example about fucking plants, Will! PLANTS!

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Plan9

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Willravel

Well yeah, but that kind of thing isn't for newbs. If you use a plant sex line incorrectly, instead of ending up with a hot date you could end up... um... buttering the corn. If you catch my meaning. Masturbating.

dlish

wow, will, you sound like a seasoned professional!

ill make sure i send you a message the next time i need a well rounded response

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